Crushing
by MidnightLove87
Summary: She's been crushing on him for years, this year she vows to make sure he sees her as something other than his pseudo little sister. Will he crush her when he shows up to Christmas with his new fiancée or will she crush him in return? AH Olderward.
1. Who is this?

**Thank you to JA Mash who made me a lovely banner. And I owe a big thank you and hug to my wonderful beta MC who is sticking with me through this little tale. **

**He's 29 and she's just 20. **

**Ride with me while we see them try to figure out themselves and maybe see if something is there between them.**

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**Chapter 1**

**BPOV**  
I slung my bag into the back of Rose's black jeep.

I let out a deep breath; it was hard to believe it was that time of the year again.

Of course, we all knew it was coming. All that cramming and sweating out tireless exams. Yep, it shouldn't be a surprise that it was the end of another semester; time flew when you were studying your ass off.

I hopped in and tried not to shiver as the cold from the leather seats beneath me seeped through my three layers of clothes.

The Jeep rumbled to life when Rose flicked the key and I quickly blasted the heat.

"Cold?" Rose asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh yeah, WSU radio said it was supposed to be like ten below today."

She chuckled, "Yeah it's a tit nipply out."

I laughed at her stupid joke, while shaking my head.

Rose didn't waste time, she knew it was a long haul back home to Forks and we needed to move to make good time.

The rush of white flew past as Rose drawled on and on about how excited she was about the holidays.

A younger version of me probably would've scowled at her over her jubilance, but I just smiled and pretended to be listening. Not because I didn't want to listen to my best friend talk about Christmas, no, because my parents were spending the holidays in St. Tropez. I wasn't jealous of them at all. Honestly, I could've cared less about seeing them this Christmas or what they were doing, considering the fact that it had been over a year since I had actually _seen_ them at all.

I decided to concentrate on something much better and definitely more appealing.

_Him…_

I wondered if he would be there. _Who was I kidding? He'd never missed a year before, why would he start now?_

"What do you think you'll get for Christmas?" she asked as she plugged in her iPod and skimmed it for something good to listen to while driving.

I shrugged.

All I wanted for Christmas was one thing. I wondered if this would be the year I got what I truly wanted…

***C***

"When's he getting here?" I asked Rose discretely.

Rose's deep blue eyes gave me the once over before she tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder, satisfied that I hadn't wrecked the outfit of hers that she had insisted I wear home, she gave me a nod. I didn't really know why she bothered, she was an easy ten compared to me, but she tried and I went with it. I kept telling her that I would never look as good as she did; my brown eyes killed the outfit. Her blue ones were what made it.

Rose was my best friend and had been since we met in preschool. I'd been pretty much living with her family since I was old enough for sleepovers, thanks to my parents' ever present business trips. And somehow it seemed like the holidays were even busier for them, so that meant for the seventh year in a row, I was spending it with the Cullens.

The oversized white house at the end of the wooded road always brought a smile to my face. It meant laughter, smiles, and good times had by all.

The smell of Esme's freshly baked chocolate chip cookies tempted my nose. Another smell that meant it was truly and definitely the holidays!

I swear every time I would come home I found a new reason for sweat pants.

"He should be here by dinner," she answered hauling her bag over her shoulder.

I did the same and followed her up the familiar stairway.

We were home for a month so we had tons of stuff with us. At college Rose and I were lucky enough to be roommates, so yes that meant that when I was too lazy to do laundry, she was too.

I headed for the guestroom that was conveniently right between Rose and Edward's rooms and smiled when the door creaked open and the room looked the same. The light lavender walls were painted the color that I had picked out when I was ten. The cream colored rug that lay beside the bed, the patchwork quilt that was folded back inviting me into bed, the knick-knacks that cluttered the bureau, everything, and it was all the same. I sighed.

_Now this was home._

Esme had changed the sheets and dusted the room, but every damn thing was the same and I loved that. There was never any familiarity when I went to my parents' house, no, nothing that screamed _this is where I grew up_.

I unpacked my clothes and messed with my dark hair. The typical things girls do.

After grabbing my book I lounged on the bed. I had a month to read a bunch of books for my next class and I figured I might as well start now.

When someone knocked on the door I nearly fell off the bed.

"Come in," I mumbled trying to right myself.

Rose came running in.

"What's up?" I wondered.

"Edward's gonna be here in a minute," she said. I glanced at the clock and she was right.

"So?" I asked wondering what her fuss was about.

Her hands twisted and she sighed.

I narrowed my eyes at her wanting her to just spit it out. It had been a long enough day as it was;, I didn't need her messing with me over trivial shit just for the hell of it.

"He's bringing someone."

Her words silenced the room. Everything from the low hum of the TV, to the warm breeze blowing up from the vent seemed like it had fallen on deaf ears.

I gulped. She'd been trying to be a good friend and not hurt me.

Rose knew deep down that I maybe, sorta, kinda had a thing for Edward, but she also knew there was no way in hell I was going to ever act on it. For one, he was twenty-nine. If the nine year age difference wasn't cringe worthy enough, let's go with the fact that I grew up with him, meaning not only was he Rose's older brother, but he was also like one to me too. Weird huh? Yeah well that was me, crushing on my kinda, sorta older brother.

Rose was cool though, she found out a few years ago and other than a little teasing as to why I was putting mascara on to open up Christmas gifts, she was pretty understanding. She even encouraged me to do something about it once I was eighteen, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Like a girlfriend?" I hedged.

_If it was anything more serious I __didn't__ think I could handle it... _

Rose nodded, popping her gum.

I breathed a sigh of relief, for a minute there I wondered if Edward had finally caved and gave into Esme's wishes for him to settle down.

A girlfriend was nothing to Edward. A dime a dozen. But not many had made it home, which was why Esme was constantly after him about growing up and finding a decent woman. Usually they were long gone by the time the holidays rolled around. I figured this one must still be new.

"What's she like?"

Rose shrugged. "He said she's Irish, that's all I know."

I nodded and in my head I pictured a homely frizzy haired redhead, with pasty white skin marred with ugly brown freckles everywhere.

"You okay?" Rose asked.

She was so sweet when she was concerned, but really I wasn't worried.

I nodded and gave her my best smile.

_Nothing to really worry about there._

"Girls! Edward just pulled in, come on down!"

Esme hollered up from downstairs.

I took a quick look in the mirror and with Rose's nod of approval we headed down.

I could see Edward's baby, a bright red 2002 Chevy Camaro, sitting proudly next to Rose's Jeep. So I fixed myself casually on the kitchen bar seat and waited to be greeted by the new Irish tart Edward was toting around.

Esme smiled warmly and placed a fresh cookie in front of me. I smiled back and murmured my thanks before I broke the cookie in pieces. It still boggled my mind just how much Edward looked like his mom. But the same could be said for Rose and her dad. I swear they were like clones instead of kids.

My attention snapped back to reality when I heard the clicking of heels making their way up the walk. I shook my head for a brief moment.

_Really? Who wears heels right after a snowstorm? _

The back door opened and Edward stomped off the snow from his boots before entering the kitchen. The wind whipped and blew in some stray flakes while he shook out his beautiful hair.

I took a long, full second to appraise him.

His cheeks were flushed from the cold and his hair was slightly damp. I wanted nothing more than to go over there and warm him up.

_Mmmm he still looked so good. _

My brain almost forgot that he was bringing someone with him, but when he stepped aside and made room on the mat for her to come in I tried to brace myself.

Then in walked nothing like I had imagined. I meant nothing… I didn't even have words for what she looked like.

I was so shocked that I lost my balance up on the seat, slipped right off and fell flat on my ass right there in front of Edward and his new girlfriend.

_Merry fucking Christmas to me!_

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**What'd ya think?**_  
_


	2. Irish? Pfft!

**I'm so glad everyone like the first chapter! Here's chapter 2, the update schedule will be every Monday from here on out! Leave me some feedback!**

**As always a big thank you to my sweetheart beta MC! Love ya girly!  
**

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**Chapter 2**

**BPOV**

Esme gasped.

I shook my head, trying really hard not to let out a whole line of curse words.

"Are you okay sweetheart?" Esme asked, only drawing even more attention to me.

My face heated to a temperature that was most likely so hot it was immeasurable, at least that's what it felt like, but instead of covering my cheeks and crying like a girl, I tried my best to laugh it off.

Rose got the idea and chuckled lightly, too. You could tell it was forced, but that was okay.

A model had just walked into the kitchen and I was left stunned and scrambling to get up off my now sore ass. My hands slipped about on the tile floor and I must've looked like I was struggling because Edward walked over and interrupted the view I had of Ms. Model, but I let him, because let's be honest, I wanted him to be near me in any way possible.

My breath caught in my chest as I fully took him in. His plaid shirt was rumpled and his white undershirt that clung to his chest made my insides clench. Edward was the same old, same old. Which still didn't explain why he was suddenly toting around Ms. Model. Sure, he brought in beautiful women, but they just never were quite this drop dead gorgeous. They were never quite so... above and beyond. Something told me this wasn't just about her being a sure thing...

"Hey Bella, it's good to see you're still just as clumsy as ever," he greeted with a warm smile that made my knees weak. They protested a great deal when his hand shot out and he wanted to help me up off the floor.

I couldn't say that I was content to stay on the floor, but I didn't think I was quite ready to get up. His chilly hand was demanding though, lifting me completely up and holding me steady until I back on my feet. It was so weird to have his hands on me. I had dreamt about many times, but actually having them all over me, in front of everyone, was really _something._

And when I was standing, I could finally see those green eyes that I loved so much.

The moment was short lived though, when Esme's voice broke through.

"You must be Siobhan, did I pronounce that right?" she asked, focusing on the beautiful woman still standing at the door.

"Oh yeah, you nailed it!" Ms. Model replied, with a bright and cheery smile that made me want to gag.

She was five foot seven with long, slender legs that poked out of a tight gray wool skirt. She had on a deep violet silk shirt that perfectly matched her eyes. Yeah, you heard me right, violet eyes. And to make matters worse, the frizzy haired redhead I was expecting was in fact a smooth and straight brunette with deep red highlights. I swear, other than the slight smattering of freckles across her nose, I would never have called her Irish.

"Welcome, I'm Esme, Edward's mom," Esme tutted out, grabbing her into a big hug that actually made me feel all sorts of jealous.

I thought of Esme as my mom and I guess I got a little territorial when it came to her and Carlisle.

"This is Rose, his sister."

Rose offered a hand and a hi, but no hug. She was a loyal friend.

After the attention was off of her, Rose's eyes carefully slid to mine, silently asking if I was okay. I gave her a little nod, because it was my turn in the spotlight.

"And this is Bella, Rose's best friend, but she's more like a family member, a daughter to me," Esme said proudly.

I smiled at her, before turning my attention to Ms. Model. "Hi there, I'm glad to meet you," I said sweetly, offering her a hand.

I wasn't hugging her if my life depended on it.

"It's so nice to meet you too, I've heard so much about Edward's _sisters_," Ms. Model replied in a sugary sweet tone.

Again, I wanted to gag.

_Hey, maybe if I stuck around her for the next month I wouldn't gain the normal ten holiday pounds._

Edward awkwardly made it to her side finally, wrapping an around her shoulders. He stood there as proud as peacock and that made my insides twist.

He was never really proud when he'd brought others around, this one was different.

Esme prattled on about how Carlisle was at work and would be home soon. And how he couldn't wait to meet her either.

_Fucking gag again. _It probably wasn't bullshit, but everyone knew how Esme and Carlisle were, they were nice as pie. So it didn't take much to make them want to meet you.

Rose and I excused ourselves pretty quickly once introductions were through. There was no need to hang around with my embarrassment still fresh in everyone's mind.

"She's not fucking Irish," I bitched once the door to Rose's room was closed.

I knew the walls in the house couldn't be trusted so we were in her room, not wanting Edward to hear a word of what we were talking about.

Rose raised a well-manicured eyebrow at me.

"Well maybe she is, but I've seen a lot of Irish people in my day and they all have one thing in common. They're all fire crotches, that bitch out there, she's not a fucking fire crotch and that's not fair," I whined, plopping down on her bed.

"B, it's all good," she chuckled, "relax, because one, you don't know that for sure, she could be a _hidden _'fire crotch', and two, he never stays with them for long, so why are you worried?" she asked sitting next to me.

"Because he's never been proud of a girl like that before," I said softly. "It was different, something new; even I could see that Rose."

I use the term girl loosely here because there was nothing girl about Siobhan, she was all woman. From her full breasts to her curvy hips, everything about her screamed sex. I felt like a kid in comparison, with my nearly flat chest and less than curvaceous hips.

Rose rubbed my back soothingly. "You know I hate to say it, but if you had made your move two years ago like I told you to, we wouldn't be here..." she trailed.

I turned and scowled at her.

There was nothing worse than having an 'I told you so' thrown in your face.

After a while of blasting music and trying to get out of my funk, we both decided it was time to go eat something. Carlisle would be home soon and dinner would be on the table.

When we came down the stairs Edward and Siobhan were all cuddled close on the couch. I was disgusted. I hadn't even gotten my hug yet and it was a damn shame because now I didn't even want to touch him.

Rose and I made our way to the kitchen without saying a word to them.

"What were you thinking for a snack?" I asked Rose.

She was already grabbing a handful of cookies. Again, I couldn't understand how she managed to maintain a size two with her eating habits.

"Cookies?" she asked.

I shook my head, I wasn't in the mood for anything sweet, nope actually I wanted something heavy and delicious that I could drown my sorrows in. I was thinking something serious like _Fettuccine Alfredo _and a big fucking glass of wine, but that wasn't going to happen because we were home.

"Pasta?" I wondered.

"Let me see when Mom expects Dad home and then we'll see what we can cook up, okay?"

I nodded and she left.

I had my head stuffed in the fridge so I didn't hear her when she returned.

"What'd she say?" I mumbled when I heard footsteps behind me.

"What did who say, sweetie?" A foreign voice spoke, making me jump. I ended up hitting my head on the water filter.

I turned rubbing my head to see Siobhan standing there.

She was holding back a chuckle, I wanted to strangle her, but instead I took a deep breath and collected myself offering her a smile.

"I guess you are the clumsy little sister that Edward told me about," she said sweetly.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said nicely, even though I just wanted to tell her to go fuck herself and be done with it.

I went back to the fridge, desperately trying to find something that would satisfy my emotions. I knew it was wrong to eat my feelings, but I didn't care at the moment. I needed any encouragement I could get, even if that meant in the form of calories.

As soon as I was head deep in the fridge she was grabbing at my arm. I nearly shook her off, but I was able to stop myself just in time.

I stepped back out and turned to face her. It took everything in me not to scowl at her. Her violet eyes were so piercing that I wanted to shield myself with a head of lettuce.

"Oh _Bell_I wanted to get you alone. I'm hoping over the next month we'll get to know each other very well. Maybe even be friends."

_What the fuck did she just call me? _

_And be what the fuck? _

She was like the evil step mother in Cinderella. _Yeah, that's right, I said mother, because the bitch was definitely hovering right around thirty. _

"Me too, _Sio_," I said, returning her sickeningly sweet smile.

I went to turn back to the fridge again.

"Well, I guess I'll let you get back to your task, I can see you're busy," she said sounding a little down.

It was sad really, she was being genuinely nice, I think, and I couldn't find it in me to care. _Nope, heartless bitch here, couldn't give a fuck.  
_  
Rose finally came trudging back in after a few minutes.

"She said Dad would be home in a few minutes and that pasta was a great idea."

I nodded, smiled and got to work.

We had a clear view of the living room from the kitchen island where we were cooking, and I just couldn't get past how he was hanging all over her. His arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders and his head was leaning into her, and then every once in a while he would smile or laugh. And, a few times he even… _shudder_… kissed her. _Gag me._

My heart actually hurt. I didn't think that it was possible. I thought with a stupid crush you would feel down, and jealous, but no, this time I felt actual pain in my chest. It was so real too. I almost considered calling Carlisle and asking him to look me over, but I knew it was just Edward, because it lessened when he wasn't right there in front of me, and also when I couldn't see him with _her_.

My mind reeled and I _really_ wanted to talk with Rose, but I was too afraid they would hear us. So I said nothing.

"You should try to get him alone," Rose said very quietly. "You have to do something, B."

I nodded in understanding, but we didn't speak of it again in the kitchen.

No, now that I had the base idea and confirmation of support from Rose, I had to come up with what to do to get him alone. I needed a plan.

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**See you soon! Btw check out my fb page for pictures of Siobhan and Edward and a teaser for chapter 3! Love ya! **


	3. Poker, anyone?

**Morning lovies! Here's the next chapter! A special thanks to my lovely beta MC for helping me out so much with this one! She's just plain awesome!**

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**Chapter 3**

BPOV

"You think bowling would work?" I whispered to Rose.

We were in her room, but I still worried they might here us. I sat on the floor painting my toe nails, while Rose was flipping through a magazine in her desk chair.

I'd spent a whole day agonizing over everything. I was still at a loss as to what Edward and I could do together… alone.

Bowling sounded like fun… _Why not, right?_

Rose shook her head. "No, I just don't think that's gonna work like you want it to."

I pulled at my hair, because really I had no real ideas of where to offer to hang out that wouldn't entice Ms. Model to want to go with us. Honestly, I knew I could get him to go to a bar, but I wasn't quite of age yet, so that was out of the question. I _so _wasn't going to sit there while he got his drink on.

"Mini golf is out too because, even though it will bring him back to our childhood, I don't want to remind him that I'm like nine years younger than him. The less attention I draw to our age difference the better, I think."

Rose nodded, "True, what about going to see the lights in Seattle together?"

It was a great idea, but there was no way he'd stay overnight with _me_, while Ms. Model was back at the house. Even if that was _exactly _what I wanted…

By the way, I found out that Siobhan wasn't a model at all. She was actually an investment attorney in New York, but she saved up all of her vacation for a year to come here for the month. Yeah... That also meant, she was not new. Not new at all. Which unfortunately meant, he stayed with her. My heart sunk even deeper as all the sickening realities of the situation hit.

"No way, he'd never spend a night away from her. Either that or I would be stuck as the worst third wheel in the world," I told her scrunching up my face.

"God Bella, what are you going to do?" Rose asked in frustration as she threw the magazine across the room.

She was just as invested in this as I was, and I loved her for it. She was my best friend through and through.

"Fuck if I know, but I can't just sit here and let her come in and wreck everything that I've been secretly pining over for years. Damn, why didn't I have the balls to do something before this?"

She chuckled at that, which I couldn't blame her. I was so pathetic it was laughable.

"What about a movie?" she suggested after a few more minutes.

_A movie? Wouldn't that be __kind of __like a date?_

"You don't think that's a little much?" I wondered.

"Not with me tagging along, it isn't. And Siobhan is less likely to want to go if Edward is hanging out with his _sisters_for the night, right?"

She made all the sense in the world; just that it wasn't her who had to ask Edward to hang out. It was me, and I was worried he would turn me down.

"Makes sense."

"I know that's why I suggested it. _And_worst case scenario, if he does want her to tag along, you don't have to talk to her for an hour and a half and you have me, you know?" she asked, lifting a brow and cocking her head.

I nodded, but looked down at the floor.

Sure, it seemed so simple, just ask him out to a movie, but I didn't want to come off too strong. That was why I was playing nice with Siobhan. _Fucking gag…_

"It'll be fine B. Don't worry, he loves you and I know he's probably dying to spend some time with you, and with me, his loving sister, for that matter," Rose said with a smirk, rubbing my back.

I smiled at her and hoped like hell she was right. I took a deep breath; I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the foreign emotions coursing through my head and heart. _It was just a crush, right?_

Esme called us down for dinner and I flicked my eyes to Rose, hoping for some mercy. She sighed and scooted up behind me and began fiddling with my hair. She always knew just what to do to make it look good and at the moment I could use any help she would give me.

"You know, it really does look so good down."

I shrugged, I didn't think so. It wasn't sleek and well tamed like Siobhan's, it was frizzy and wavy. There wasn't anything sleek about it.

"Fine, if that's what you think," I whispered.

I trusted Rose explicitly. She was always fashion forward and she did know how to make me look and feel good.

After combing my hair in a certain way, she ran to her closet and dug out a quick outfit for me to change into. It was still just skinny jeans and a low-cut t-shirt, but this time the t-shirt would actually fit me instead of my Washington State tee that I had been sporting all day.

"Mascara, some blush, and a little gloss and you'll look amazing," she told me, and I tried really hard to believe her. _I am a strong, confident woman_...Yep…definitely trying.

I nodded and went to work. She was fixing herself up too.

"What's your reason?" I wondered with a smirk, like I said, we were best friends and I _knew_Rosalie Rae Cullen did not dress herself up for dinner unless there was a handsome man involved.

"Some of Eddie's friends are coming by after dinner," she said softly, casually.

Really she meant that Edward was taking a big step and introducing Siobhan to his tight knit group. I shook my head and tried to focus on my friend. It was far easier than thinking about _that_.

"You still crushing on Paul?"

She blushed and nodded. Rose was great, she could get any guy she wanted, but still held out for one in particular. Paul was twenty-seven, tan, beautiful and grew up with Edward. It was no wonder Rose really liked Paul. He was so nice and always showed Rose a good amount of attention, and actually, I had always thought Paul might've had a thing for Rose, but nothing ever really came of it. I was hedging a guess that she was planning on changing that this break. _Go Rose!_

***C***

"Siobhan, what can I get you to drink?" Esme asked from in the kitchen.

Esme was the sweetest hostess alive. She would let her food go cold just to make sure everyone else was happy.

"Oh, I'll just have a water," she replied, with gleaming white teeth.

I wanted to mock her _so_badly… but I resisted.

"So Bella, have you and Siobhan had a chance to get to know each other?" Daddy Cullen asked.

_Do not roll eyes! Do not roll eyes... Do not... Oh hell._

I smiled brightly at Carlisle, because let's face it, he was a push over for me and I was definitely one of his favorites.

"No, we haven't had much of a chance, but I'm sure we'll have plenty of time before Rose and I leave again," I told him.

He smiled back at me before dipping his fork into his food. I didn't even bother to glance at Siobhan, who was sitting across the table from me.

"Siobhan, how do like New York?" Daddy Cullen asked.

I left my head hanging low, so she couldn't see the scowl that was on my face.

"Oh it's... busy and chaotic, but coming home at night to Edward makes everything better," she told him, looking over at Edward with lovey-dovey eyes, and then she touched his face and ran her fingers lightly down his arm.

_Fucking gag! __Were we soon done here? 'Cause I fucking swear, this was my hell on earth!_

Sure, I figured they were shacking up together, who wouldn't? I mean just look at her, but I guess hearing it and having it confirmed made it worse than I had expected it would. _  
_  
"Well that's... nice," Carlisle said, clearly uncomfortable.

I shook my head and frowned, she didn't even realize that she was making everyone at the table uncomfortable with her PDA.

Dinner continued like that – Siobhan swooning over every word Edward said.

It was even funnier when Edward realized that everyone was uncomfortable and he had to start peeling her off of him.

She just couldn't take a goddamn hint.

It was one of the longest assed meals I'd ever had the fucking _un_-pleasure of partaking in. Now I really needed a drink and I still couldn't have one.

***C***

I was on my way up the stairs when Edward caught me.

He was actually alone for once.

"Hey B, the guys are coming over tonight, you gonna come down and grace us with your phenomenal poker skills?"

Like I could say no?

I smiled and nodded. "I'll be down in a bit."

"You know, you already look good, you don't need to go fuss with yourself."

_Did Edward just give me a compliment?_

"Um… Okay," I said blushing and hurried up the stairs 'to go fuss with' myself.

I wasn't upstairs long though before Edward was hollering up to me. I had just enough time to change my top. Somehow during dinner I got a few spots of soda on my shirt, so I decided a new one was best. I dug out my fitted black scoop neck top. I loved it, it was super comfortable, hugged my slim waist and, even though I didn't have much to offer in the boobs department, it made it look like I had a little something to offer - you know, more than a handful was a waste anyways… or so I'd been told.

I rushed downstairs just in time to witness him introducing Ms. Model to his friends. Edward didn't do that. Ever. Girls were girls just with him. They didn't invade time with his buddies, especially when he didn't see them much.

I was done stalling; I gulped back the lump in my throat, donned my big-girl panties and walked into the kitchen.

All the guys were there. Paul, Ryan, Emmett, Jackson, and Devin. Yep, I knew them all because when I was growing up around here I probably hung out with them as much as Edward did.

I also scammed them out of unbelievable amounts of money because I was just that amazing at poker, something they seemed to forget when they had few beers in them.

Paul looked the same with his short cropped hair and deep brown eyes. He was still tall as ever, but he was no longer skinny as a rail. I guess since summer he'd hit the gym and found himself some muscles. I never missed the appeal that girls found in him. He was perfect with his bright white teeth and tan skin. He looked like he belonged in board shorts standing next to some hot young thing on the cover of a surfer mag. But he was smart too, which was why Rose had a vested interest in him. And when I looked over at her I could see her tongue wagging at the new improvements he had made. Yep, very nice indeed.

Ryan ran his hands through his dirty blonde hair before he shook hands with Siobhan. His grey eyes locked with hers and I could tell what he was thinking. It was written all over his face. Edward could too because I saw his hand wrap even tighter around her shoulders. Ryan was a bit of a horn dog, but we all still loved him just the same.

Next in the greeting line was Jackson. He was disheveled as always, sparking conversations about whether or not he was actually homeless. He wasn't, by the way, but lots of people always assumed he might be. He just liked to live his life how he felt comfortable. Which was why, at twenty-eight, he was still completely single. Jackson's greasy brown hair might be a turn off, but those crystal blue eyes were enough to make some women look the other way at his hygiene habits.

Then there was Emmett, dark hair and dark eyes just like Paul, but he was a white boy. Emmett was a jokester and we'd played many tricks on one another over the years. Emmett was the classic older brother that I never had. He had a special level of deep caring in him, but he didn't like to explore that a lot, no, he liked to keep it pretty happy and carefree if he could.

Finally there was Devin; he was the most hesitant about Siobhan. It was quite obvious actually, to me at least. Everyone else greeted her like she was a sight for sore eyes, but Devin just kept looking my way when Edward was going through the introduction process. Those light green eyes would flick to me then back to her. I could tell he was really thinking about something and I couldn't wait to get him alone to talk about it. After they split away, I watched as he shook his auburn hair and then focused back on me.

"Bella baby!" Emmett called, but I could see Devin was headed over for the first hug.

I was right.

Devin's strong arms lifted me up in to a nearly Emmett-like crushing hug. "Bella," he breathed into my hair.

"Hey Dev," I sighed quietly, "long time no see, how're you doing?" I asked as I was still being crushed into him.

"I'm good B! Real good," he said smiling as he moved to set me down. "We need to talk later."

I nodded. I knew he had some thoughts on Ms. Model and he wanted to share them with me.

Emmett shoved Devin out of the way to get in for his hug. I loved the guys they always gave me the warmest welcome.

His low whistle, while I stood there under his wandering gaze, made me a bit uncomfortable, but it was just Emmett so I threw on a smile and batted my eyes up at him.

He laughed and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug.

"Hey Em," I said when he finally put me down.

"Hey Lil' B, looking good there girl, how you been?" he asked with a beautiful Emmett smile on his face.

"I'm great, you know," I lied with a smile.

"Make way," Ryan said elbowing both boys out of the way.

He dipped down and kissed me on the cheek. "Oh Bella, it's so good to see you."

"You too Ry," I said back, blushing at the attention. The guys had always been affectionate with me before, but I guess I never really noticed it like I did now.

Even though I was busy getting welcomed in from the guys, I didn't miss Rose's hand signals, she had one arm wrapped around Paul's waist. But, her other one she was using to try to covertly point to Edward. And when I looked at him from Ryan's shoulder, I saw that he was scowling. He must not have liked that the boys were paying me so much attention.

_Well too damn bad Mr. Edward Cullen. _

Hey, I was twenty dammit and if boys wanted to pay attention to me, they could damn well pay attention to me. Bring it on boys!

After the meet and greets were over I slid past most of the boys and made my way over to Jackson, he was always quiet and laid back.

"Hey Jay, how's life been treating you?" I wondered as he enveloped me in a gentle hug.

I took my time to enjoy it because Jay didn't offer those out to just anyone.

"Pretty good B, you?"

"Eh, you know. I'm looking forward to going back to school actually," I told him quietly.

He laughed and pulled back to look at me, "I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth."

I shrugged, not wanting to give too much away. Jay was pretty perceptive, so I wasn't about to show him my hand.

We pulled apart and I made my way back the center of the kitchen, purposefully ignoring Siobhan. She looked pretty pissed that the boys had all wanted to desperately welcome me home. I had a feeling she wasn't used to sharing the attentions of the men around her.

"Who wants to play cards boys?" I asked. And yes, I meant to say boys 'cause God only knew what I would do if I got stuck with her at my table.

We were three games in and I was raking in the cash. The guys were getting drunk, and I was getting annoyed. My red Solo cup only had water in it and that bitch had plunked her ass down at the table at the start of the new hand.

"What about this hand baby? Do you think it's good enough to finally beat her?" Ms. Model asked Edward. Her fingers trailed over his neck and they made my blood boil.

I shook it off, took a deep breath and continued to play.

An hour or so later, after I had taken the majority of their cash, everyone quit. Paul and Rose were in the living room talking quietly. I could see her smile and hear her laugh softly every once in a while, so I knew things were going good over there.

I yawned and stretched my arms over my head after I finished counting my take. I made three hundred and forty two bucks. Not bad. I stowed it away and began picking up empties, trying to clean up before I slipped upstairs for the night. I didn't need Esme to wake up to mess, even though I knew she'd never say anything.

I dropped the empties on the counter and turned on the water to wash them out.

Ryan and Jackson were outside having a smoke and Edward and Ms. Model were keeping them company. I shook my head when I heard her fake laugh through the closed kitchen door.

"She really gets to you, doesn't she?"

I didn't jump when I heard Dev come up behind me, because this was what we did, somehow whenever we got together, we managed to find a little alone time to catch up and talk. We shared a special friendship that meant a lot to me.

I shrugged noncommittally because I sure as fuck didn't need him to know that I _really_ liked Edward; even after all these years. That would make things super awkward.

"Well, she bothers me," he said softly.

"Really?" I asked turning to face him.

"Yeah, I get a bad vibe from her."

"You know, I thought the only vibe you guys would have gotten from her would be popping in your pants."

His brows pushed together and he sighed, and I turned back to my task.

"Bells, just because she's pretty doesn't mean she holds a candle to some girls."

"Dev, that's a sweet thing to say, but in reality, looks like hers matter to guys."

I finished up and tossed the empties in the recycling bin and turned around. I was surprised to see that he was still standing there, right behind me.

His arms snaked around my waist and he pulled me into him gently.

"You like him still, don't you?" he asked softly.

I knew there was no point in denying it; Dev had known me too long for that shit, so I just nodded into his shoulder, while he rubbed my back.

"I'm sorry B," he whispered softly resting his cheek on the top of my head.

I nodded again, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped in someone's comforting arms.

"Dev!" Edward said loudly and we pulled away from each other. "It's getting late, why don't you hit the road."

Edward had said it more like a command instead of a suggestion, making me want to kick his ass at how rude he was being, but I didn't. Instead, I took advantage of a great situation.

I gave Dev a long, sweet hug goodbye and saw him to the door.

Sure, to Edward what he saw probably looked like we were having an intimate moment, boy would he be shocked if he knew we were just bonding over our mutual dislike for his girlfriend.

I was about to stomp upstairs but then I realized Edward was finally alone, so I figured it was best to ask him about the movie now.

"Hey Edward?"

"Yeah?" he asked sounding frustrated.

I wavered on whether or not I should ask him, but I decided to bite the bullet.

"Do you wanna maybe hit a movie with Rose and me sometime this week?"

I didn't bother to bat my eyelashes at him like Ms. Model had been doing since she had been here.

He seemed a bit startled when I asked him, but he regained his composure quickly.

"A movie?"

"Yeah, you know, to hang out. Spend some time together, just you, me and Rose."

"Sure, sounds good to me."

I couldn't control myself. I leaped into his arms for a hug and he hugged me back without a second thought, that was, until the back door opened.

* * *

**So who do you think walked through the door? Teaser for the next chapter will be posted on Friday on my group page of FB. See ya then! :)**


	4. Dance baby, dance!

**Thank you to my beautiful beta MC for all her patience with me on this one!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 4**

**BPOV**

I rolled over, tossing and turning.

I couldn't sleep.

Not because I wasn't tired.

_"Oh Edward, you know you want to,"_I heard, what I assumed was Siobhan's sexy voice.

The walls were thin and I couldn't help but hear them, so I did the only thing I could think of that wouldn't require me to bleach my brain come morning. I cranked up the TV and hoped that they got the picture.

_Why did my room have to be right next to theirs?_

It seemed to work because their voices stopped, so either they were being ridiculously quiet or they had given up all together.

I sighed softly and curled into my pillow hoping for the latter for the sake of my own sanity.

Nothing would be worse than hearing them going at it. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't naive, I didn't think Edward was celibate by any stretch of the imagination, but really, having to sit through hearing it would be enough to make me literally sick.

Thankfully though, there wasn't another peep from them all night. It didn't help with me not sleeping though because I just couldn't get the thoughts of them together in his bedroom out of my imaginative mind. _Shiver._

***C***

In came Carlisle and Edward manning this enormous tree, snow dropping all throughout the house, until they finally reached the corner in the living room where it would stand for the next couple of weeks.

Rose and I hauled box after box of decorations down from the attic, while Esme directed the men just how the tree should be placed in its holder.

"Emmy hon, I know you just want this to look beautiful, but come on," Carlisle groaned, twisting the tree one final time.

"There, that looks perfect," she said as she looked over the tree from top to bottom.

"Good," Edward said brushing off his hands. I noticed his one hand move quickly, and with his back to me he glanced over his shoulder looking at me with a devious look in his eye.

Before I knew it, he was chasing after me with a clump of snow, trying to stuff it down the back of my shirt.

"I'm gonna get you," he threatened laughing gleefully.

I ran like a little girl squealing the whole way.

Finally, he caught up to me in the kitchen and we danced around the island. I kept trying to fake him out, but it wasn't working, considering his legs could get him to the other side of the counter in about two strides.

I took a breath and darted to the left hoping he would go right, but he didn't and he cornered me.

One hand on my arm, the other holding the melting snow. He lifted it up and a few drops of water dripped down the front of my chest and t-shirt.

I shivered and looked up at his face, only to find his eyes were no longer on mine. No, now they were staring at where those droplets had just disappeared to.

I smirked and shoved his hand into his own face.

I didn't want to be the one to break the moment, but really the whole family was on the other side of a swinging door.

"You little," he yelped out of surprise.

I smirked again and watched as he tried to wipe his face off.

He tossed the cloth down of the counter before stalking back over to me. His green eyes were glowing with a fire I hadn't seen before and he looked down at me, making me think those soft, tender lips I had been dreaming about would finally be on mine.

"Alright girls, let's get to work," Esme called, making both of us jump and back away from each other.

Esme, Rose and I unpacked the boxes. I briefly wondered if Ms. Model was going to make an appearance, but I figured she must know that we were decorating the tree and she must not have wanted to help.

Oh well...

Esme hollered to Carlisle for his help with the angel.

"What's up, babe?" he asked winding an arm around her waist.

"The angel needs to go up," she said handing him the delicate looking decoration.

"Sure thing, sweets."

Carlisle expertly reached up and placed it just so, before fixing her skirt and making sure she was straight on the top of the tree.

Esme offered him a kiss before he sat back down and relaxed while we finished up.

I smiled as we hung the last few ornaments and stood back to really take it all in. The tree looked gorgeous and it would look even better when it was packed to the brim with presents underneath it.

"Come on kids, we're gonna light her up," Esme shouted to everyone.

And once Ms. Model had finally dragged her ass downstairs, looking less than enthused I might add, we all stood and watched as the prettiest tree came to life.

My heart broke a little as Edward's head dipped down and he placed a kiss on her lips after we all commented on how beautiful it was and what a great job we had all done together. _Minus Ms. Model .__  
_  
Gah…

***C***

"Hey Bella, wait up," Edward asked softly, grabbing on to my arm.

I hated how my skin tingled under his touch.

I was headed out to the garage. I needed some time by myself. Carlisle and Esme were all loved up in the kitchen, and Edward and Siobhan had been cuddling on the couch in the living room, and I'd had just about as much as I could take. I just needed some non-lovey-dovey breathing room; God what did he want?

I turned to him with a sigh, trying not to shiver as the wind whipped around us. I cursed myself for being stupid enough to go out in just a t-shirt.

"What's up?"

"Oh, I just wanted to ask if tomorrow would work for you and Rose, for the movie?"

I instantly smiled and nodded.

_Finally, some time with just him!_

"And, I was hoping you guys wouldn't mind if Si came with us?" he asked sweetly.

_Si, really? What was she some kind of fraternity now?_

I wanted to shout no, _fucking hell no, _but I figured it was better he didn't know that I secretly wanted to burn her hair off.

"Sure, that's fine," I answered softly, with a fake smile painted on my face.

"Great, she'll be so excited."

I murmured something back to him and continued to the garage. I wanted to find a pillow to scream into. There was just no way I was going to get in any alone time with him.

I breathed in the chilly air and sat defeated with my back against Esme's car as I thought over everything.

There were no obvious answers and I couldn't just let myself sit back and watch Edward be with that twit. It just wasn't in my DNA to give up. I had fucked the dog on doing something about my feelings for Edward for so long and now that I was finally ready to act on them… Yeah, I had to at least _try_.

***C***

"He wants to bring her," I sighed in the comfort and security of Rose's room.

Even Rose scowled. "Fuck."

Yep, she was just as on board with getting rid of her as I was. I guess Sio had made some kind of comment about how Rose looked thinner in the pictures Edward had shown her. Yeah, that was enough to make me want to lunge across the table with my butter knife and hack her apart. _Not really, but it was the thought that counted, right?_ Rose was anything but fat and no one was going to sit there and say that about _my_ best friend and live to tell about it. _Bitch._

"Well then, we'll just have to fight fire with fire," she murmured softly with an evil grin.

I wondered what she meant by that, but it _was _Rose so I knew it had to be good.

She pulled out her phone and before I knew it she was jabbering away.

To Paul, I assumed, just by the change in her attitude and the smile on her gorgeous face.

"Yeah... Tomorrow around eight, if that works for you... Sure... Okay babe, see you then."

I didn't even need to say anything, nope, I let my eyebrow do all the talking for me.

"Oh Bells," she said with a wicked grin, "I just figured if Eddie is bringing a date, then we should too, you know?"

I shrugged, it wasn't a half bad idea except for the fact that I wasn't at school and I had no guys readily available for a date.

"Yeah, that's all fine and dandy, but who am I supposed to bring?"

"Bella, for shit's sake girl, are you that blind? Any of the guys would love to have you on their arm for the evening, and it might just show my numbskull brother that you're not exactly the little kid that he remembers."

"Yeah, but I don't want to use them," I whispered, losing all my confidence in this plan. There was just no way I could do that to one of them, I loved them all.

"Then go with Dev, doesn't he know that you like E?"

"Yes, but I'm pretty sure he legitimately likes me," I explained, remembering the time in the kitchen, and of course our encounters from years before, Dev had always been very affectionate with me.

"So then, just tell him the deal, see if he's cool with it, just going out as flirty friends, and make sure he knows everything up front. That way, in the end, there are no hurt feelings."

Okay, I had to hand it to her, she made a hell of a lot of sense.

So I pulled out my phone, made the call, and I went over everything with Dev. Rose stood there and mouthed a few important bits to me as the conversation went on and by the end of it he seemed agree to everything, including the fake date. He said he didn't like Siobhan any more than us girls, and after I explained to him what she said about Rose he really wanted her out of the picture.

"Dev, you're really great and I know that... that you like me, I just hope this won't be too hard for you," I said softly.

"Nah, it shouldn't be too hard, I know what the goal is, don't worry," he promised. "You are special to me Bella and I want you to be happy. Let's just have fun and go with the flow."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Anything for you, Bella, just make sure that when that bitch is gone, it doesn't take you two more years to make your move, because someone else might come along and try to scoop you up," he warned softly.

"I'll do my best Dev."

"Okay then, goodnight baby girl," he said sweetly.

"Night."

And with that, our whole plan was set in motion.

"So, should I talk about the guys coming with us in front of him at breakfast?" I wondered. I wasn't sure how I wanted Edward to find out.

"No, even better, we won't tell him," she said excitedly. Her blue eyes lit up and looked like they were about to catch fire.

"Really? You think that's a good idea?"

She nodded her head vehemently, "Oh yeah, it's gonna work out wonderfully."

***C***

With a good night's sleep under my belt and having the day pass surprisingly quickly, I found myself in Rose's room getting all prettied up for our night out.

"Wear the skinny jeans and the dark green V-neck," she said after seeing me mulling over my choices.

I wasn't sure about it because the skinny jeans would mean I would have to wear heels.

"Come on Bella, you'll look smokin'! Your ass will look fabulous in those and that scoop neck... _mhm..__._yeah, I'd do ya_._"

I smiled and laughed at her goofiness and the agreed, taking the clothes to the bathroom to change into them.

I wiggled around in front of the mirror and checked out my butt, Rose was right, it did look good, I had to admit. But when I slipped the top on, I stopped dead. There was a lot of boobage. I wasn't sure if that was good thing or not, but I didn't feel very comfortable about it.

I walked out of the bathroom, running smack dab into Siobhan. _Great, just fucking great!_

"Oh Bell, don't you look pretty. Are you trying to impress someone?" she asked sweetly.

I shrugged my shoulders, and gave a noncommittal grunt.

_Yeah, your boyfriend..._

"Well, just remember sweetie that some people, older ones, can be a bit out of your league," she offered before going into the bathroom and shutting the door.

I wondered if she knew more than she was letting on or if she was referring to the guys.

But then I realized I didn't give a shit either way. Dev liked me so it was obvious I _could _get older men. It was just a matter of getting the one I wanted.

I walked back into Rose's room, finding her dressed beautifully. God, she was lucky. Rose was pure curves and good curves. She could give Ms. Model a run for her money. She was dressed in some hugging skinny jeans that made her ass look amazing and on top she had on deep blue silky number that really made her look older than twenty.

I let out a low whistle.

Rose turned around and giggled, "So, I guess I don't have to ask what you think?"

I shook my head, "No, you look amazing!"

"So do you, damn look at those titties! I bet they're relieved to finally see the light of day."

I snorted.

She laughed, too, both of us falling back on to the bed.

Once we calmed down, I told her all about my run-in in the hallway.

"That bitch doesn't have a clue," Rose muttered while she fixed my hair.

She was determined to have me leave it down, so she blew it out and straightened it and by the time she was done it looked almost as sleek as Ms. Model's. I was surprised; I never thought my hair could look that good.

"Wow Rose, you really outdid yourself," I said softly, marveling over my new look in the mirror.

"It's all you B, I told you that you look so fuckable with your hair down. Dev is gonna be so proud to have you on his arm tonight."

I scoffed, I hoped so, and then watched as she did her own hair. Soft curls flowed from her shoulders down her back, she looked absolutely gorgeous.

"Rose, I don't know how Paul's gonna keep his hands off of _you _tonight."

"Who said he was?" she replied with a devilish grin.

***C***

Rose and I were crammed in the back of the Camaro, texting back and forth. Ms. Model was riding shotgun, but that really wasn't shocking to me.

I was dying to get there, just to see the look on Edward's face.

We rolled up and parked, all the way at the edge of the parking lot so no one would hit Edward's baby. I cursed him the whole time I clung to Rose as we made our way across the parking lot. I made sure Rose and I were in front of him so he could get a good glimpse of just how awesome I looked in my jeans and the towering peep toe pumps.

We hit the sidewalk in front of the theater and it was then that I got exactly what I wanted. Edward halted his footsteps and I heard Siobhan bitching that she almost fell.

Paul and Devin were waiting for us at the doors. Dev's foot up against the wall in a very casual manner and Paul was just lingering, finishing up a cigarette as we approached.

I decided to really play it up.

"Dev! Baby, there you are!" I said running into his open arms.

Rose did the same, but for real, you know?

I placed a soft kiss on Dev's cheek and looked up into his soft green eyes for effect and wondered if it was doing the trick. Dev seemed to read my mind when he looked down at me and nodded.

I giggled a little like Dev had just told me something dirty in my ear, and then grabbed his arm and waited to be escorted inside.

Behind us was Edward and Siobhan and I could practically hear him growling as we stood in line for our tickets and snacks.

We got our snacks and tickets and stood off to the side to wait for the others.

Dev's arm wound around my waist and I smiled up at him. He really knew how to play this up.

"What are they doing here?" Edward asked Rose. Clearly, he was referring to Paul and Devin.

"We asked them to come, we figured if you were bringing your _girlfriend _that it would be okay if we brought some dates along, too," Rose explained calmly.

"Whatever," Edward sighed and got back in line. Paul had already paid for their things and stepped aside.

Dev and I walked hand in hand in to the small theater, there weren't many seat open except for the back row.

We took our seats and began munching. I was surprised when Edward sat right next to me. He whispered something to Siobhan, and then leaned over to me.

"It's gonna be a good movie."

"Yeah, I think so," I told him. It was a big blockbuster movie, so it was bound to be really good.

The previews started playing and Rose and Paul took their seats on the other side of Siobhan.

"That one looks really good, huh?" Edward asked, still leaning towards me. I don't think he realized for even a second how dangerous a position it was to be that close.

I went with it anyways though and nodded.

Another preview played on the screen and there he was again asking me for my review on it.

"Yes Edward, it looks good," I said turning a bit in my seat so I was facing forward, but leaning into Dev. "What do you think, Dev?"

Dev nodded and I side eyed Edward to see him looking upset, but he took the hint and started whispering with Siobhan.

"If I was just a few years older..." I muttered.

"You wouldn't be here," Dev said softly.

I turned to him and gaped, "What do you mean by that?"

"Just that, if you were a few years older you probably wouldn't be friends with Rose and you wouldn't be here with any of us," Dev explained softly.

I nodded, understanding what he was saying.

The movie began playing and I saw Edward's hand creep over and hold on to Ms. Model's hand.

I wanted to scowl, but I thought better of it, because if Edward saw me making a fuss over him and Siobhan I figured it would crush any plans I had to spend with him together... alone.

I sat back and legitimately tried to enjoy the movie. It was good, action packed, but it was over before we knew it and I wasn't exactly ready to go home.

Apparently neither was Rose.

My phone buzzed and when I opened it was a text from her.

**Wanna go out after this-R**

Yeah sure-B

**How about Larry's-R**

Sounds good to me-B

I told Dev about it and he said he'd love to hang out some more. The guy was great, but just not quite what I was looking for, I was glad that he knew that though. **  
**  
We all walked out of the theater and down into the cold parking lot, Paul and Rose first, all cuddled together, and me with Dev as he held me close while we crossed the ice riddled, tar covered tundra.

"Where are you going?" Edward asked curtly, when he saw that I was heading in another direction with Devin.

I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him.

"Oh, Rose and I are going to Larry's with the guys, we were gonna hang out and dance," I told him as I wrapped my arm around Dev's waist.

"Did she call Mom?"

My eyebrows furrowed together and I looked back up at him, he knew that Rose didn't have to check in with Esme. She lived at college for chrissakes, so Esme wouldn't give a shit about where she was going. Sure, she would want to know that Rose was safe, but she knew that Rose was responsible and street smart.

"No, why, did you call her?" I snapped back at him.

I knew what he was doing, he wanted Paul to think about Rose's age, probably Dev too, but what Edward didn't realize was that neither one really cared about our ages. Sure, I wasn't actually _with _Devin, but I knew he liked me and that my age didn't matter one bit to him.

Edward threw his hands up and shook his head.

"Alright, well goodnight Edward, we're gonna go now, see you guys," I said sweetly as I started towards Devin's car.

I heard Siobhan grouching about how she wanted to go dancing... _Ugh just fuck my life already, will ya?_

"Fine, I can't leave them alone anyways," he snapped at her. "We'll meet you guys there," he told the rest of us.

***C***

The bar was crowded, but that much was to be expected. It was winter break and our little town was bursting at the seams with kids coming home to see their loved ones.

Smoke swirled with the wind as we shook off our clothes from the dusting of snow.

"We're not staying long," Edward gritted out.

"You can go whenever you want," Rose snapped.

"No I can't, Mom would be pissed to know that I left you two at a bar," he said motioning to me.

This time I didn't bother to hold back the eye roll.

"Are you sure it's just Mom you're talking about there, Eddie?" Rose asked him, with a pointed glare. She wasn't messing around. "Mom wouldn't care and you fucking know it. Believe it or not big brother, Bella and I aren't little girls anymore and we're allowed to have grown-up fun."

"Come on man, lighten up, Rose is right, we're just all having fun, nothing bad is gonna happen," Dev reassured him, tightening his hold on my waist.

Edward looked even more upset, but didn't say anything.

"Let's go get a table," he said to Siobhan, not bothering to see if she was following him or not as he weaved through the people to find an open table.

"Are you sure you really want to play this game, he's getting really pissed," Dev said, looking down at me.

I sighed and thought about it for a minute. This was really the only way that Edward was going to realize that I was something other than his pseudo little sister.

"Yeah, I think this is the only way," I said quietly, resting my hands on his chest. "Plus, I enjoy being with you Dev, okay?"

"'Kay, if you're sure."

Then he pulled me along through the throngs of people to the table that Edward had found. Rose was sitting on Paul's lap, giggling and genuinely having fun, so I decided to do the same.

Dev's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, but he recovered quickly and played along.

"Hey guys," a young blond said as she came up with drink napkins, passing them out all around the table. "My name's Dannie and I'll be your waitress tonight, can I start you guys off with anything?"

"Two waters for them," Edward said pointing to Rose and I. I wasn't surprised; Edward wasn't one to let us drink. "And I'll take a beer."

"Same here," Dev added.

"I'll have a coke, if she can't drink I won't either," Paul said softly.

"Well, I'll have a daiquiri, unlike some people I am old enough to drink," Siobhan said flipping her hair.

"Alright, those'll be up in a minute," Dannie said with a nod and took off towards the bar.

Rose had her phone out and I figured when mine buzzed it was her.

**Why don't we go out there & shake our stuff?-R**

I nodded in her direction and slid off of Dev's lap, grabbing his hand as I went, I pulled him to the dance floor, really just wanting to have some fun at that point.

It was warm and the music was good so I really let my hips get into it. They must've been enticing because Dev's hands slid around them as he pulled me into him.

Rose and Paul were having their own fun a few feet from us. And Rose and I both squealed in excitement when _She Can Ride _by Dru came on, we loved that song!

My hips swung and Dev's hands tightened their hold on me spinning me around so my back was to his front. The song wore on and we really got into it. We held each other tightly, I dropped my head back onto his shoulder, we were so close, grinding, hands linked; it was intimate and pretty hot dancing, if I do say so myself.

I even let my hips work a few moves in, swiveling and then dropping down. It was a bit dirtier than I normally would've done, but Rose was right next to me spurring me on.

And the smile Dev was sporting told me he didn't mind at all.

Once the song was over, Dev and Paul decided to head back to the table for a break while Rose and I dirty danced to our heart's content. A little girl on girl bumpin' and grindin' never hurt anyone; we had a great time!

Sweat dripped down our faces and we eventually pulled apart, deciding it was time for a much needed water break. We approached the table just in time to hear Dev telling Edward that he liked me. Ms. Model must've made a bathroom run, because she was nowhere to be seen.

"Yeah, I think she's a great girl and I really like her," he said, taking a swig of his beer.

"Don't you think she's a little young for you?" Edward asked gruffly. "I mean, Jesus Dev, she's twenty for fuck's sake; what the hell were you doing to her out there on the dance floor?"

I motioned for Rose to wait so I could catch the rest of the conversation.

"Christ Edward, it's only eight years difference? That's nothing man, besides she's pretty hot E, you gotta admit, and it's not like she acts like a kid, you know?"

Dev was the best guy in the world; I owed him huge for this one.

"I still don't like it," Edward finally said after a few long moments. "She's too young for you."

"Says who?" Dev asked, sounding seriously offended.

"Says me man, have some respect and back the fuck off."

"Why? It's not like she's got a boyfriend and the closest thing she has to a father is Carlisle, I'm sure he won't give a shit."

"He will give a shit!" Edward snarled slamming his fist down against the table making the bottles rattle.

Paul and Devin told him to calm the fuck down and he did. After taking a few deep breaths Edward seemed normal again, but I knew him and that he would still be pissed.

"And you and Rosie, that's not gonna fly with my dad either," he said to Paul.

"Why would you say that? Carlisle seemed fine with it when I asked him," Paul replied.

_Damn good man that Paul is!_

"You asked him?" Edward asked sounding skeptical.

"Well yeah, not for her hand in marriage or anything, but I thought it would be a good idea to ask about going on a date with her, because of her age. He didn't seem to mind at all. He said as long as I treated her right, I had his blessing."

"Fucking idiot," Edward grumbled under his breath.

I didn't need to hear anymore, so I waved Rose on and we both headed table.

"Finally, are you guys ready to go?" Edward asked, sounding irritated.

We all looked around at one another and nodded, it was late and Rose and I had gotten to shake our butts, so we were good to go.

Dev threw some bills down on the table and we all headed to the exit.

"Wait a sec, aren't you gonna wait for Cinnabun or whatever the hell her name is?" Paul asked Edward.

Edward's mouth drooped some more and he turned back to the table.

I wanted to laugh in his face so bad, but instead I waited until I was in the parking lot to let loose.

"I told you it wouldn't last long," Rose said, giggling along with me.

_Nope, not long at all. _

* * *

**Be sure to check out my group page for the video to _She Can Ride_ by Dru! It's amazing and my thanks goes out to MC for pointing it out, because I've apparently been living under a rock.  
**

**Btw... what do you think? Jealousward much? But do you think he realizes it? Oh and what about Cinnabun... ahem I mean Siobhan?  
**


	5. Bagel & Cream Chese Heartbreak

**A big thank you to MC for being the very best beta a girl could ask for and for being a fuck awesome friend! Also I wanted to give a shout out to Monica Nopi, she was the one that went back and actually read the summary like I was hoping for when I posted the teaser. So she get's the best reader award! Good job Monica! Thanks to all of you for your lovely reviews... now on with the show!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 5 **

**BPOV**

I was just sitting there in the kitchen the next morning, thinking about all that had happened the night before. The dancing, the movie, Edward, Devin, everything really. I sighed and took a long sip of my coffee. The scorch it left on my tongue was a welcome feeling, it woke me up and reassured my body that caffeine was on its way. My purple fleece robe hung all the way down to my ankles and kept the chill away, as I sat there alone. It was a rarity to be in the kitchen alone in the Cullen household, but somehow I had timed it just right. I was grateful though, alone was just what I wanted to be at the moment.

Just as I was about to pat myself on the back for choosing the right time to roll out of bed, I heard the familiar creek of the stairs and the bounding of heavy feet as they approached. I took a look at my coffee trying to decide what to do, more than half a cup left, damn it!

_Down it and leave or stick around and face him?_

I just didn't have the energy to down it and scurry away, so I stayed on the seat and braced myself. Looking anywhere but at the doorway where I knew he was about to enter.

Edward came bustling in, scuffing his feet the whole way.

"Morning," he said softly avoiding my eyes.

I returned the one word sentiment without looking directly at him, and brought my attention back to my drink. I swirled the dark liquid in my mug and watched as the cream settled in with the warm coffee. I willed myself not to lift my eyes up, even though I really wanted to; I wanted to see just how he looked, his hair, his clothes, everything. But I didn't let myself.

"How are you this morning?" he asked as his head disappeared into the fridge.

I finally let myself look up and see him. His plaid pajama pants and worn black Eagles band shirt made him look delicious. It also made me want to go upstairs and knife the bitch that was currently resting in his bed. But I digress.

And that shirt… That was from the _Hole in the World _tour. It was from the first concert I had ever gone to, and of course I had gone with him after Ryan had backed out. It was just me, Edward and the rest of the guys, but that was six years ago.

"I'm fine. How about you?"

"Good," he said when he finally emerged with some bagels and cream cheese. My stomach turned just at the sight of them.

I nodded and took another searing sip.

"You want one?"

I shook my head; I couldn't deal with food right now, not with my stomach in the knots that it was in.

"So... You and Devin seem to be... hitting it off," he commented dryly.

It sure seemed more like a statement than a question, but I appeased him with a response anyways. "Yeah, he's a great guy. I had a lot of fun with him last night."

Dev really was a great guy and I really did have fun with him last night, even though things got a little steamy out on the dance floor.

He nodded but said nothing for a few minutes, and then frowned a little before setting his face emotionless, "He's a little old for you though, right?"

I smiled to myself, since Edward was staring down at the toaster. He just wouldn't give up on that little thing, would he?

"No, not really, he's only 28, almost the same age as you and I hang out with you, right? It's really no big deal to me and I don't think it is for Dev either or he wouldn't want to spend time with me. I mean age is just a number, it doesn't define a person."

I felt really proud of myself for not flying off the handle and saying that like the adult I am. I wanted him to see it the way that I saw it. There was no need to harp on anything like that; it was about the person, their heart, their brain, their personality, not their height, weight or age.

"Huh, okay, well, that's up to you and Dev, but don't say I didn't warn you Bella, Dev is _much _more experienced." He shrugged trying to come off as nonchalant. "Oh, speaking of spending time together, I was thinking, this weekend you and me could go bowling, just the two of us. Like old times, you know?"

Did he just say what I think he

_said? __Holy fuck!_My head was trying to figure out if my ears had actually heard those words correctly.

Finally, I decided that I must've from the look of expectation on his face.

"Sure," I offered with a shrug, trying to keep the bursting excitement out of my voice.

"Great let me just make sure Si doesn't mind and I'll let you know when, okay?"

I nodded, giving him a little smile.

He sat down beside me with his freshly toasted and cream cheesed bagel and I stared at it, suddenly hungry. My knots seemed to disappear and my stomach stopped turning. I guess some hope was all I really needed. My stomach even growled, making my face heat up in embarrassment. I was going to have to have a talk with it later.

"Want some now?" he asked with a grin, after obviously hearing it.

"Yeah, sure," I said with a smile.

He tore off a bit and fed it to me. His thumb brushed my lip and made my skin tingle, I savored every bite before licking the excess cream cheese from my lips. His smile that lit up the room was so wide and I couldn't stop myself from smiling right back. He did the same from his thumb and I was left a squirming mess. I knew it was pathetic to lust after a guy who was taken, but I really thought Edward was sexy, even doing some of the simplest things.

My eyes met his half-lidded ones and I stared at him. I was wondering if the atmosphere was completely lost on him. I didn't think so, but I still wasn't sure. So I took it one step further, grabbing his hand that had another little piece in his fingers for me and I brought it to my mouth. I let my tongue peek out and lick a little clump of that delicious cream from the bagel, and then his hand came to life before pushing the rest of the piece in between my lips. My tongue brushed his fingertips on their way out and a little moan erupted from my throat at just how damn good that fucking bagel was… ahem, yeah, the bagel. And I swear I heard him groan, making me want to straddle him on the bar seat right then and there, but I didn't.

I watched as he shook his head, coughed and cleared his throat, and then his whole demeanor changed. Our moment was over, that much was clear.

"So speaking of Si, what do you think of her?" he asked, averting my eyes.

_I hate that Goddamn cunt? Was that what he wanted to hear?  
_  
"She seems... nice," I offered, once I collected myself.

"Oh good, so you do like her."

I nodded lightly trying to keep myself from snorting at his complete misreading of my actual feelings for Ms. Model, but this was so not what I wanted to be talking about with him. I wanted to go back to that bagel… and his fingers. I bit my lip just remembering what it felt like.

"Well, I wanted to tell you something important."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" I said in a bored tone before taking a long sip of my now cooling coffee. What could be more important than that bagel and his fingertips brushing against my lips… either set really…?

I shook my head and tried to concentrate, because he was my friend and I wanted him to have my full attention. Clearly what he was trying to tell me was important to him.

"I wanted you to be the first one to know," he began softly, finally meeting my eyes, "I asked Si to marry me."

_What the mother fuck?_

My stomach dropped to my feet and so did my heart. Suddenly that little bit of bagel I'd ingested felt like it was going to make another appearance.

Then, I realized he was looking at me for some kind of approval. So, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose, sucked it up and looked him in the eyes. My fake smile probably left much to be desired, but hey I was trying, right? "That's... uh... really wonderful, Edward."

"Thanks," he said quietly.

I slipped off the stool and left the room without another word as the first tear slipped down my cheek.

I stumbled down the hall, grabbed the banister to brace myself before running as fast as I could up the stairs to get to my room before the dam broke, and I completely lost control over the fragile barrage I had been living with since arriving.

_Edward was engaged…_

_"I asked Si to marry me." _Those words rang in my ears over and over as I took the stairs two at a time.

As soon as I closed my bedroom door, I collapsed on the floor; I guess I hadn't realized just how much I had hoped we had a chance, but now, I knew that was done, over, he had just crushed all my hopes and dreams.

I don't know how long I sat there and sobbed, but the knock on the door shook me out of my stupor.

"Bella, are you okay?" Rose's soft voice asked from out in the hallway.

_The walls are like paper... _

I tried to calm my breathing and return my voice to normal before I answered back.

"Yep," was my short response.

"Are you sure?" she continued; I could hear the concern in her voice.

She was my best friend, she would know without a doubt when I wasn't alright.

The doorknob wiggled and I slid forward on the floor, letting her in, because I figured it was best to get it over with sooner rather than later.

Her blue eyes looked me over and for a minute she was quiet. I figured she had an idea about why I was crying.

"What's going on?" she finally whispered.

I ran my hands over my face and through my hair then took a deep breath, "He's engaged to her."

I figured it wasn't worth beating around the bush. She was going to find out soon enough anyways. Surely they would be announcing it to the family soon, and then I would have to plaster a motherfucking smile on my face yet again, all the while I slowly died inside.

"He's what?" She gaped at me. She looked completely shocked, which was about right.

I raised my eyebrows and gave her a look that showed I meant what I said.

"When and how do you know, and I don't?" she asked, looking pissed.

"I don't know when, but he told me this morning. He wanted me to know first for _some _reason."

Her anger transformed into sadness, those blue eyes softened when she took in my appearance and she knelt down to hold me.

"Why would he want to marry her?" she asked as she rubbed my back and helped me up off the floor, guiding me out into the hallway and over to her room. I was glad we were headed there; I didn't want _her_or anyone else for that matter to hear my pain.

I shook my head as we slowly settled on her bed; I was at a loss of what could be the answer, as more tears streamed down my face.

_Edward was engaged… __"I asked Si to marry me." _It just kept replaying over and over and it wouldn't fucking stop.

_What did she have that I didn't... besides the obvious?_

Rose and I stayed holed up in her room. Music blasted as she sat there and just held me, gently stroking my hair. The likes of Skid Row and Blue October came coursing through the speakers. Those were our go to songs for pain. We both liked to hear our feelings in songs when emotions were running high.

"Bella, are you gonna be alright?" she asked after a while.

I shrugged, not really knowing.

I guess I felt more for him than a stupid crush. _Who knew?_

"I think... I love him, Rose," I whispered. "I… I feel like my heart is being crushed into a million pieces."

She gulped and nodded. I didn't dare to look up at her, I was afraid of how she would react, and at the moment she was my only source of comfort. I needed her and rejection just wasn't in the cards at the moment.

Instead, I continued to lay on my side staring at the wall, while the sobs wracked through my body. Her pillow ended up catching the tears that were shed.

Her hand never stilled though, always rubbing soft circles on my back, making the pain slowly ease. That was until I thought about it again... then a fresh wave of anger and pain would come forth and wreck the calm that had just stilled itself.

"Rosie hon, Bella, do you guys want to come down for dinner?" Esme asked a while later through the door.

I shook my head, but didn't say anything. I shuddered trying to gain control of my body again, but it was almost useless.

"No Mom, we're okay," she shouted back, like the trooper of a friend that she was being.

The knob twisted and I heard the familiar creak of the door opening. Esme was coming in and she was going to find me a mess. I hurried to wipe the tears away with my sleeve and suck up the snot, but no amount of wiping could make my red blotchy face go away. There was just no way I was going to be able to hide from her.

"Did you guys have a little too much fun last night?" she asked with a hint of humor in her voice. Esme was an easygoing mom. She understood that, even though we were still a few months away from being legal to drink, that we did in fact drink. "Maybe a bit too much of that Mexican culprit?"

Tequila was my favorite… and she knew it.

I was so glad my back was to her; maybe Rose would pass it off as a hangover. _God knows I've had plenty of them._

"No," Rose said softly, and I almost hit her.

_Why couldn't she just roll with it?_

"What's the matter baby?" Esme asked as she came around to my side of the bed.

I shook my head and kept my eyes closed, there was no way I could face her. This was so not something I really wanted to discuss with her. She was going to think I was an awful person.

Her sweet mothering hand reached up and she smoothed my hair softly, I leaned into her touch, I don't know if I was starved for some kind of parental attention of if it was just Esme's gentle manner, but something made it okay for her to see me like this.

"Bella honey, are you sick?" Esme asked softly, in a tone that told me that she knew I wasn't actually sick. "You know, Bella, I love you, and you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Yes, I knew all that. So instead of lying to the one person that had been more of a mother to me than my own, I shook my head and opened my eyes. I leaned up on my elbow so she could see that I wasn't sick and that she was right; there was definitely something very wrong.

Her hand softly cradled my face and her thumb worked away the stray wetness. "What's the matter my sweet girl?" she asked, her eyes searching mine, trying to find some kind of hint.

I shook my head, not able to verbalize it. Then, I turned my head to Rose to see if she would tell her for me. Esme was probably thinking the worst and even if I didn't want to talk about it, I still wanted to make sure that her mind was set at ease.

Rose nodded and cleared her throat before telling her all of the details of why I was so upset.

Rose told her everything…

I watched as Esme's head cocked to the side and she just blinked at her daughter for almost a full minute before speaking.

I knew damn well that it was taking just about everything for Rose to keep from laughing, but she did.

"He's engaged to that awful woman?" was Esme's first reaction that came out as if the wind had been knocked out of her. "What in the name of all that is holy…"

_Yes, ladies and gentleman the sweetest woman in the world just told it like it was!_

Rose busted a laugh out while I just laid there quietly, there was no humor to be found from me, because whether we liked her or not she was soon to become a Cullen.

Her brows furrowed together again, looking more confused than angry. She shook her head and pursed her lips together. I could tell she was processing it all and after she had composed herself, she looked quite calm, surprisingly.

"Rose, how do you know?" she asked softly.

"He told Bella…_first_."

Esme turned her attention back to me and sighed, "Oh dear, it'll be okay, you'll see."

_What the hell? She's not even acting like she's very shocked?_

"Bella, Rose, I am a bit shocked, yes, but to be honest I'm not really. I suspected something serious was going on after he called to say he was bringing her home for Christmas. As you both know, Edward has _never, _in 29 years, done anything like this regarding a girlfriend." She sighed. "That's not to say I'm not disappointed and angry that he didn't tell us himself, sooner, but I am also concerned because I'm not certain about this Siobhan and whether she is really what he wants in a life partner."

"Mom, you're not surprised, _really_! Have you met that bitch?"

"Rose, language, and yes I know… If he ever tells me about his engagement I'll try to find some time to take him aside and make sure this… she is exactly what he wants for his forever."

Rose nodded and I tried to give her a small smile.

"Bella, honey, you need to remember that nothing is set in stone, though."

Her words didn't help much because it felt like the door to Edward was already sealed shut.

I think she saw this because she made me look her in the eyes again, "You really like Edward?"

I nodded. "Yes, Mom, I've had feelings for him for years."

Esme smiled. "Then go out there and show him you're not _little _Bella anymore," she said simply.

"That's what she's been trying to do, Ma," Rose answered for me.

She sighed bringing her soft green eyes to mine again, "Honestly, Bella, I would love for you two to be together, I really would, but _you_have to be the one to make him see that you're not his kid sister."

I nodded, still feeling hopeless.

_"Esme baby, I'm starving," _We heard Carlisle holler up from downstairs.

She giggled and turned to leave, I pushed my face back into the pillow, wanting to return to my wallowing.

"By the way Bella, until there's a ring actually on that finger, nothing is official," she said with a wink.

The door closed and I went back to my sobbing, Rose went back to her rubbing and I loved her for it.

A day passed and I was left in the same shape, but at least now I had ice cream.

Rose was the best friend a girl could ask for. She brought me pints of Ben & Jerry's and we had a whole stack of movies. Not one was a romantic comedy.

_The best I tell you!_

"Do you think you'll be okay?" Rose asked dipping her spoon in to some Cherry Garcia.

I sighed.

"It's just a lot to deal with this close to Christmas. My parents and everything with that don't help."

She nodded softly, completely understanding. "Do you want me to bring you back to the dorm?"

Rose's words stunned me, I hadn't even thought about going back to school.

It would be easier...

But then I pictured myself there on Christmas morning, walking out to the empty quad and going into the even emptier cafeteria. My heart sank. It would be even worse than if I was here and uncomfortable on Christmas morning.

I shook my head quickly.

"No, I don't want to be alone," I whispered. "I want to be with my best friend and my family for Christmas."

Rose smiled and nodded understanding.

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**So yeah, don't be mad at me. This was needed and you'll see why very soon! I promise. **

**See you Friday on the group page for a teaser! Love you all!  
**


	6. Bowling Shoes & Raised Eyebrows

**Here's Chapter 6... as always, many thanks to my lovely beta Midnight Cougar. Not only does she make my shit pretty, but she also is a wonderful friend!**

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**Crushing 6**

The days all began to blur together and slip by like nothing. I didn't care about anything anymore. My whole world had just crumbled in front of me and I was having a hard time getting over it, as embarrassing as that was to admit.

"Bella, you wanna go to the mall?" Rose asked softly.

I wanted to groan at her words because it was like she was making me reject her. She knew I wasn't going to go and I hated saying no to her of all people.

I pulled my earbud out and shook my head.

I hadn't been talking to anyone really, it was how I coped. If no one invaded my life then there wasn't anyone to grow attached to, and if I wasn't attached then I couldn't be disappointed. I was sure I sounded like I needed some serious therapy, but I wasn't seeking it so I was left to my own devices and that meant withdrawing from everyone I loved or at least thought I did. Because really, who knew what love was. My parents didn't know…

"Are you sure?" she prodded.

I nodded and curled my legs in closer to me as I sank in deeper on the couch. I turned my attention back to my book and iPod.

They weren't overly interesting, but at least I didn't have to stare at the disappointment that was clearly on her face.

Rose threw her hands up and stomped off upstairs.

It wasn't as if I wanted to be this way, it was just that there was no other way I _could_be, not right now. I hurt and I was sure she could see that, but I'd also learned, from many years of experience, that you couldn't depend on people to always be in your life, thanks to my stellar parents.

While I wasn't necessarily depending on Edward being in my life, I always assumed that I would have my grand opportunity to step into the role as girlfriend and he would sweep me off my feet, and then I would finally be the girl he wanted to settle down with.

That assumption was blown to hell. I guess that girl just wasn't me.

The words played in my head over and over as the tears soaked my sleeve. I wiped my face furiously. I didn't want _him_of all people to see me like that. I was so grateful when I found out that he and Carlisle had gone out to do some last minute shopping the day he told me about him and Cinnabun. If I knew he had heard me… I don't think I could've shown my face in front of him, ever again.

On the outside it probably looked like I was just some girl who couldn't realize that her crush would never like her back, but now I realized Edward was more than a crush. He was a man that I'd always looked up to, he was a great friend, and always there for me, handsome... the list goes on. But one thing in particular that drew me to Edward was the thought that if we ever got married, I would actually be a part of a real family. I wouldn't just be the pseudo daughter that Esme and Carlisle beamed about; no I would be their daughter-in-law. It also meant that I would have a great man to start a life with, a family of my own. Something, I always vowed I would do right.

Edward came trudging down the stairs, and I did my best to avoid eye contact as he made his way past me to the kitchen.

He usually left me alone if I looked like I was into my book enough. Today, I was lucky.

Or at least I thought I was, because when he got done making himself breakfast he plopped down on the couch and tugged on my hand, trying to get me to notice him, not that I was paying attention to my book anyway.

I pulled out one earbud and looked, purposely not quite _at_ him though. I'd gotten really good at that technique.

"Want some?" he asked pointing to his bagel. It made me think of that day all over again. My stomach turned and gurgled just at the sight of them. I didn't think I could ever eat another bagel in my life.

I shook my head no before returning my attention to page 112, the same page I had been on since I heard the floor creak in his room, telling me that someone was awake.

"Are we still on for this afternoon?" he asked softly.

Then, I remembered what he was talking about... bowling.

_Fuck__, fuck, fuck__… I had to be alone with him… _

I shrugged, not really sure if I was up for going out anywhere, especially if it was with him.

"Si hates bowling, so it's just me and you; I was thinking we could head out around two or so, is that cool with you?"

I nodded and sighed, resigning myself to an afternoon of trying to still be friends with the man I loved who did not reciprocate my feelings. I knew I was fooling myself if I thought it'd ever be the same for me, but I also knew I couldn't ostracize him from my life forever. That was unless I planned to do that to all the Cullens and that just wasn't a possibility.

We were going to be all alone, and I wasn't positive my heart could take it, but I figured there were worse ways to die.

***C***

I stared back at the scraggly brown strands in the mirror. I couldn't bring myself to do anything with it, so I grabbed a hair tie and brought it all up into a ponytail. The counter was full of products to make it look pretty, but I just shook my head at them, nothing there could change the fact that he was engaged to _her._

I slipped into my comfy jeans and hoodie.

There was no need for theatrics or tight fitting clothes. He wasn't looking at me anymore, if he ever had; nope he only had eyes for _her_.

My ratty pair of chucks looked irresistible, so I didn't even think twice before I bent over and slipped them on too.

Esme told me to go out and get him, make him mine, but I just didn't have the courage when I knew he had already made such a life altering decision about her. There had to be something truly special about Cinnabitch for him to want to spend the rest of his life with her.

After appraising myself in the mirror I was sure that I resembled someone homeless and the thought crossed my mind to call up Jay to ask him how he felt about that, but I knew I couldn't talk to anyone, not even him.

I stepped out of my room after making sure I had some money and my phone in my back pocket. I hadn't even intended to tell Rose where I was going, but she stopped me on the way down.

"Where the hell are you going dressed like _that_?" Rose asked after looking me over.

She hated my chucks and always threatened to burn them while I was sleeping, and I was sure the rest of my appearance wasn't probably doing it for her and her fashionable ways either.

"Um... bowling," I told her, not meeting her eyes.

I hoped she wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

"Bella, do you really think that's still a good idea considering how you've been for the past week?"

I furrowed my brows at her, I didn't think I had been that bad and had it been a week already?

"I want to go," I said weakly.

She sighed then looked me over again, "Then go."

"I'll be back later, maybe we can do something then," I said softly.

It was the most I'd said to her, to anyone for that matter, in a week, I guess.

She shook her head, her pretty blond hair flowing from side to side. "Can't, I've got a date with Paul, but I won't be home late, so maybe we can watch a movie and do each other nails?"

I looked down at Rose's perfectly painted blue nails and sighed. She was reaching out to me and I couldn't turn my back on my best friend. Not after all she had done for me.

"That sounds good, how 'bout a midnight movieathon?" I offered, trying to make my smile genuine and add some excitement to my voice.

"Perfect," she said with a thousand watt smile.

I couldn't even blink before she leaned in and hugged me hard, "I love you, Bells." I sighed. It felt so good to finally have my friend back. But I knew I could only open myself up to her because if I let anyone else in, it would be the end of me.

"I'll see you later," I murmured before heading down the stairs.

Edward was waiting for me in the kitchen, his coat on and everything.

"Hey Bella," he softly as he got up from the table.

"Hey," I offered just as softly.

"Ready to go?"

I nodded after pulling on my coat, and with that he led me out to his baby.

Once in his precious Camaro Edward drove the winding path to the local pool and bowling hall. It was about a thirty minute drive and the entire time it was silent. I really had nothing to say.

There was a time in my life that I would've given my right hand to be alone on a "date" with Edward Cullen, but now, I just couldn't find it in my heart to be excited.

"Let me get your door," he said softly, before quickly coming around to my side.

I waited because really there was no way I was risking putting a dent in his baby's door. He'd never speak to me again.

Edward helped me out the car, being especially careful of his perfect car. I turned and headed toward the building, but I was only a few steps in before his arm wrapped around my waist.

I looked up at him for a brief moment and he just smirked down at me, so I didn't say a thing and momentarily enjoyed the feeling of warmth that came along with his arm being around me.

"Do you want to bowl or play pool?" he asked when we finally made it inside.

The smell of foul feet and stale beer hit my nose and instantly I was catapulted back to my younger years. There was laughing and giggling and a younger version of myself running around with my beat up chucks and pigtails, chasing after Emmett who had just pulled on one of them. Edward was there, standing up proudly to take his turn to bowl. Jackson was keeping score and Dev was off to the side chatting with the girl who was supposed to be working the counter. And Paul, yeah he was chatting up Rose, even back then. Our tanned skin and sun faded clothes told me that the memory was probably from the summer when I turned ten. It was the first year I really lived with the Cullens and it was the first time that the boys really paid attention to me. They were all nineteen and twenty then.

Boy, the difference ten years makes, huh?

I shook my head lightly to bring myself back to the surface, only to find Edward smiling down at me. I started to regret coming out of my day dream so soon. His smile was a killer on the old heart.

I shrugged, hoping to not draw attention to myself since I recognized the guy behind the counter.

Mike Newton.

He was an okay guy, but he had a horrible crush on me for years and never really got that I just didn't return his feelings.

I wiggled my way even closer into Edward, not for the obvious reasons, but really just because I wanted to hide from Mike.

Edward didn't seem to mind at all, so I didn't change my position.

Edward nodded and we moved forward to the counter. Mike pushed his greasy hair out of the way of his cloudy blue eyes. "Hey guys, long time no see!" he said happily.

I cringed that he recognized us so quickly.

"Hi," I offered feeling awkward.

"So, what have you guys been up to?" Mike asked looking between us, and I was sure he was thinking that we were a couple, which didn't really bother me, but I was sure it would bother Edward.

"Not much, still just working as a freelance photographer in NYC, home for the holidays now."

"And how about you beautiful, do you remember little old me?"

I fought hard not to scowl. "Y-yeah Mike, I remember you. I'm just going to school now," I said softly, not wanting to offer any details.

He looked between us and smiled at Edward, I seriously wanted to gag.

"Hittin' up the young ones again, Eddie?"

Edward just scowled at him.

"So, what can I do for you two?"

"A lane for the afternoon, one pair of women's sixes and a men's eleven and a half."

I was a little surprised that Edward knew my shoe size, but I had to say that he was always a good listener.

"Okay, one sec," Mike said before disappearing into the back room.

Edward's arm wound even tighter around me and I wondered for a second what exactly he was doing, but before I could question him Mike was back with our shoes.

"Alright, lane ten is yours and here's your shoes Bella," he said with a smile that made me feel sick to my stomach.

Edward got his and slapped some cash down on the counter before leading me over to our lane.

I sat and quietly slipped on my shoes while Edward did the same.

"Do you wanna go first?" he asked when he finished up.

I shrugged, because really I didn't care either way. I would rather go back to a few minutes before when his arm was wrapped so tightly around me that I could feel the warmth of his arm burning into my skin.

We both bowled quietly for a couple frames without really talking much with one another. Other than a few half-hearted congratulations on a good trip to roll the ball, not much else was said.

"What's up with you lately, Bella?" Edward asked, placing his hand over mine, stopping me from grabbing a ball.

I shrugged, trying not to concentrate on the way his hand felt over mine.

"Come on Bella, you can talk to me, you know that right?" he asked softly, grabbing my hand and leading me back to the seats.

I nodded, because I knew I could... _just not about this. _

"Is it about Devin?" he questioned, looking quite serious.

I shrugged as he sat down and then tugged on my hand for me to join him. I did, but regretted it the second I was sitting. His hand as bad enough, I didn't need to be pressed right up against him.

"What did he do?" Edward asked menacingly. His green eyes darkened and his face got red. I felt like he was going to turn into the Hulk and go hunt Devin down and squash his daylights out.

"Nothing," I said, a little putout that he would ever think _his_friend would do something to hurt me.

His green eyes softened and I watched as his shoulders fell and relaxed.

"Then what's going on with you?" he asked calmly, placing a hand on my knee as he turned more towards me. "You've been so quiet and distant this week."

"I don't know," I said with another shrug. "I just like to keep to myself sometimes."

"Is it because Dev... expects something from you?"

My eyes widened and looked up at him. "Really Edward?"

"Hey!" he said holding his hands up in defense, "He's a guy, he's gonna expect certain things, especially someone his age. Remember, I warned you of that?"

I rolled my eyes, like I didn't know that if Dev was actually my boyfriend he would want sex... _Duh! He was a guy after all._

"Edward, it's not like I've never dated men before," I said with a huff. "I _am_20 years old, if you haven't forgotten."

I had dated men; I just hadn't _dated_any men... if you know what I mean... I wasn't about to tell him that though.

Then, I got the biggest shock of all. Edward's face contorted into a painful expression. _Did he care?_

If he did care he sure had a funny way of showing it.

I was getting annoyed that I couldn't take it anymore, so I got up and took my turn.

We were quiet again and Edward went back to trying to bring me out of my shell, but I wasn't having it.

"Talk to me B. That's what today was supposed to be all about. Friends spending time together, having fun and talking."

"What do you want to talk about?" I finally asked him, realizing he wasn't going to get off my back.

"Whatever you want to talk about," he told me shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know, maybe, your relationship with Dev?"

I was so pissed with his indecision and his stupid inquisition, I knew what he was getting at, and I snapped. "Fine Edward, since you're so interested in_ my_ personal life, right back at ya, so when was the last time _you _had sex?" I sneered.

It was playing a game of Russian roulette, but I wanted to play and if I blew my hand off, so be it.

Edward's eyebrows rose so far up that it was comical. He literally looked like a cartoon. I almost cracked a smile, sure my whole body wanted to laugh, but I just couldn't let myself.

"Are you sure that's something we should be talking about?" he questioned after he regained his composure.

I shrugged, not really caring one way or another. I just wanted Edward to realize that I wasn't the little ten year old girl that he used to come here with and that he was treading on my personal life, which he had no right to be.

"Well, if that's the case then I guess I would have to say... Um... a couple of weeks ago.," he answered quietly and I could tell he was uncomfortable.

He took a deep breath, "How 'bout you?" he asked, and instantly I needed to find a way out of this conversation.

I shrugged and didn't bother to give him an answer. I did not want to divulge my lack of sexual prowess to him at this time.

He noticed my hesitancy, and again raised his trademark eyebrow with a devilish smirk accompanying it this time. "Oh come on, Lil' Sis," he coaxed, trying to get me to talk. "Don't hold out on me now," he continued, but it was deeper and it made my insides twist.

"You know what, I've got to go to the bathroom," I told him, shuffling to my feet and heading straight for the bathroom.

While I was in there, I did the only thing that I could think of, call Dev.

I told him I could really use a friend, and asked him nicely if he would hang out tonight and also pretend it was a date, and of course he agreed. So I was thrilled. I was sure it was just enough to piss Edward off and show him that I was an adult.

I came out, still on the phone with Dev.

"Mmm, you too baby, I'll see you later, okay?" I said in a sultry voice when I got close to Edward.

_"I wish you would talk to me like that all the time_," Dev said, lowering his voice down a few pitches.

I giggled, but I made it sound like I was still flirting with him.

"I know you do, hot stuff, and I will later tonight, I _promise_," I said trying to keep the fake conversation going good.

_"Alright, have fun bowling and I'll be by around six to pick you up,_" Dev said before hanging up.

Edward turned to face me and he was scowling, but not necessarily at me, more like at my phone.

"You're going out with him tonight?" Edward asked finally.

I nodded and went to grab a ball after noticing it was my turn again.

"Why?" he asked after a bowled a strike.

"Why what?"

"Why are you going out with him tonight?"

My brows furrowed together, "Because I haven't seen him in a few days and I don't have that long left here, so I better make the best out of it, right?"

I meant the words, just not in the context that Edward saw them in.

He huffed some noncommittal grunt and then bowled his last ball, it was a complete gutter failure and I figured that I had something to do with that, but I couldn't find it in me to care.

Maybe Esme was right; it wasn't going to be over until they said "I do", so maybe I still had some time before D-Day.

* * *

**So Bella regained some hope there, do you think Edward will be able to pull his head out of his ass in time?  
**

**Or do you think Bella will push him further away with her Dev plan?**

**Remember to check out the group Midnightlove87's Fics on FB for a teaser on Friday.  
**

**Thank you to everyone who takes the time to review. It means so much to me.  
**


	7. Midnight Whiskey Lips

**Midnight Cougar, you're the best! Thanks so much for all your help with this one.**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 7**

Edward was pretty pissed when Dev and I had left earlier. His eyes cut through me when I left in a low cut blouse and tight jeans, but even worse was the look he was sending Devin, one of his best friends. Sure, he had no idea we were simply going to head out to the Forks lighting festival and watch the lights on the big tree in the common blink to life, but that was because he refused to ask questions. Nope, Edward was more the kind of guy to make assumptions and I let his own imagination work in my favor. It was clear he was stewing over me going out when he stomped around the kitchen bitching about friend's loyalty and all that shit. I wasn't about to set him straight after his little insinuation that I couldn't handle myself with a _man_like Devin. Nope, he pissed me off.

Besides, Dev and I had a great time. It was a simple date between friends, and it was fun and Dev's a great guy; a real gentleman who made me smile repeatedly for the first time in a week. He was sweet and held my hand and kept me warm in the near zero temperatures, but other than that we both knew it was just friends enjoying time together.

Dev and I hit up the local pizza place, each of us grabbing a slice and a soda before taking a walk around town. He suggested ice cream, but then we both just started laughing with how cold it was out.

I was frozen, but we killed enough time and it wasn't the worst way to spend an evening. It was actually quite refreshing and relaxing. Which was really nice after the week I'd had.

At a few minutes before midnight I figured Edward would've given up and gone to bed licking his wounds. Ms. Model was probably helping him out with that. _Gag me._

I figured it was probably late enough that Dev and I could head home for the evening. It had been such a polar opposite from my bowling date with Edward. Devin made things light and happy as any good friend should. That was just how we were around one another. It had always been comfortable and effortless between us.

I giggled legitimately with Dev and promised him I would see him soon and sent him off without a fake goodnight kiss, because I figured the only one who would be up in the house would be Rose, who I had a movieathon date with later.

I walked in the door and hung my coat on its hook before discarding my shoes. I didn't want to wreck Esme's pristine floors. I was just about to head upstairs when I heard a noise on the other side of the kitchen.

_Who the fuck could be up at this hour?_

I was surprised to see Edward saddled up to the kitchen island working his way through what looked like three fingers of whiskey... and by the looks of the bottle sitting next to his glass it wasn't the first one of the night.

Carlisle always kept Johnny Walker Blue Label in the house for when he had a rough day, and it would seem that tonight Edward had helped himself to Carlisle's bad day cure.

From what I could see, he looked a mess. His hair looked like it had been through a war, and he'd changed his shirt, now he was sporting a holey Beastie Boys concert tee. I wondered what could be bothering him so much that he was reaching out to his two comforts of whiskey and rap music.

"About damn time you made it home," Edward grumbled with his back still to me.

I did a double take at his words and quickly checked to see if Rose's Jeep was out in the driveway. _Maybe he didn't think he was talking to me..._

"The fuck's wrong with him? He can't even wait for you to make it safely inside before he runs away with his tail between his legs?"

There was no way he was talking to me… He just couldn't be.

"Ed-" I began, but I was cut off.

"What's the matter Bella, he doesn't kiss the way you like?" Edward slurred still not looking at me, but confirming that he knew it was me that had come through that door.

I saw Rose's Jeep and knew she was home, so I planned to just tell Edward to shut the fuck up before slipping upstairs, but when I turned back around I saw that he was lumbering towards me.

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't find it in me to do it.

His arms pinned me to the wall right below Esme's beloved cuckoo clock. I prayed that the force of his knocking me into the wall wouldn't take it off the wall. I took a deep breath and dared to look up at his glassy green eyes. Edward towered over me, panting as his arms kept me flush against the wall.

His head leaned down and I felt the whoosh of his hot breath against my neck, making me shiver from head to toe.

"You didn't answer me Bella, I asked you a fucking question," he whispered, and I could almost feel his lips on my neck.

I whimpered not being able to remember the question he had asked, as he pulled back slightly so his face hovered inches from mine. All I could think about was the way his green eyes were appraising me and the feel of his sweet breath over my skin. I wanted more of it.

"I said, doesn't Devin kiss the way you like?" Edward asked with a smirk.

_Cocky bastard…_

I shrugged. I'd never really _kissed _Devin, so I wasn't one to accurately rate that. But the fake ones… they were pretty good. Nothing mind-blowing, but yeah.

"Maybe I should show you how a _real _man kisses?" Edward questioned leaning down even further, his lips grazed my ear lobe as he spoke.

My breath caught and my heart damn near stopped.

_Fuck his lips had just touched my skin and they felt so good. _

"Maybe you should..." I whispered back, taunting him. He was finally seeing me as something other than his little sister and I wasn't going to let something like his pesky little engagement get in the way of him showing me how a _real man kissed_.

Edward brought his face back in view, his eyes began searching mine and slowly his hand came up to cup my face. I was no longer being pinned against the wall, no, now I was standing there, waiting for Christmas to come early.

His thumb brushed softly over my sensitive lips making me feel the need to jump, but I stopped, too afraid that if I moved I would snap him out of whatever had come over him.

Instead, I closed my eyes and let myself just _feel_ for a moment. And when I opened my eyes his face was much, much closer to mine.

We stared into each other's eyes for a moment. And it was then that I could clearly see the connection. I could feel it too. His hand on my face was almost burning my skin and his eyes looked like they were trying to find a way into my soul. For the first time ever, I felt like maybe I wasn't alone with my feelings. My heart soared and I let my lips offer him a small smile. I wanted to give him something. Anything to show him how much I wanted this; wanted him.

"Oh Bella, sweet Bella," he murmured before dipping his head even further.

But before our lips could connect that goddamn motherfucking cuckoo clock began chirping away above me and it seemed to pull Edward out of whatever trance he was in.

"Fuck... I'm sorry, Bella," he murmured before slipping away from me and going over to lean against the sink.

I felt the hot tears of embarrassment well up in my eyes, and I knew I had to get out of there before he saw me crying.

I scurried over to the stairs and ran up, before he could see my whole facade crumble.

"Bella... Bella... Wait..." I heard Edward's trembling voice say, but I couldn't bring myself to turn around.

I ran in to Rose's room and slammed the door shut before collapsing on to her bed.

Rose gasped, as I began to sob.

"What's the matter?"

I cried for another few minutes, needing to get it all out of my system before I sat up and told her just exactly what went down in the kitchen.

"He did what?" she seethed.

"That's just it, he didn't get a chance to do anything before the clock chimed," I explained.

"Fuck him, he's got to stop this shit!"

"I know Rose, but I can't make him, I don't think he even knows he's doing it half the time."

"He knew damn well what he _almost_ did down there," she ranted.

I shook my head, "I doubt it, since he was well on his way through a bottle of Johnny."

"Why?" she asked with a scowl.

I shrugged; I doubted it was because of my date with Dev, so maybe Cinnabitch had done something to piss him off.

"That's fucking ridiculous," she muttered as she paced across the room again.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and took a calming breath. "Let's just forget about it and have our girly night together," I suggested, wanting her to calm down too.

Yes, Edward Cullen had almost kissed me, but it was still an almost and not a for sure. So until it was a for sure, I wasn't letting her go all Joan of Arc on him.

"Are you sure, because I will gladly march down that hallway and kick his ass," she offered with a hint of a smile and I nodded.

Rose and I painted each other's toes alternating green and red. It was cute and Christmas-y. I liked it and it made my heart smile a bit as I reminisced over all the times we had done it in the past.

A fresh giant bowl of popcorn sat beside us as we watched every Adam Sandler movie that the Cullen house contained. Which really were only 3. _Fifty First Dates_, _Happy Gilmore, _and _Big Daddy_. All were fine and very funny movies.

Our toes dried and the popcorn had dwindled down to just the unpopped bits. The clock read just after five in the morning. It had been a long night, a really long night that went with what seemed like an even longer day.

I tried to stifle a yawn, but it was impossible. I was beat. All that walking I did with Dev was killing me now.

"Let's go to bed," Rose said flicking off the rest of _Big Daddy_.

I nodded and slipped out, back into the comfort and quiet of my room.

Or at least I thought that's what I would find.

Nope, as soon as I slipped beneath the cool covers I was jolted by what I heard next door.

_"Come on baby, it's been so long and I know you want some..." _Ms. Model's breathy voice said to Edward.

Fuck these walls… I was going to have to talk to Carlisle about them… there was just no way I could deal with them again.

_"No, I told you I'm not sleeping with you while I'm here," _I heard Edward grumble back.

She let out a banshee like screech. _"Why the hell not? That bitch in there is asleep and I don't think anyone__ else__is even awake."_

"Don't talk about Bella like that for one and I said no, what about

_no__ don't you understand?" _I heard Edward growl.

He sounded really pissed. I guess he really hadn't slept with her in two weeks.

"_What the fuck Edward, what have I done to make you like this?" _

"_You __exist__, isn't that enough," _he yelled back smashing something to the floor.

Holy shit!

"_I just don't get it, __Eddie,__" _she sobbed and screamed at the same time. _"What is going on with you?"_

"_Just get the fuck out,"_ he yelled. _"I don't want to fuck you and I don't want to talk to you, right now!"_  
_  
"Fine!"_I heard her stomp around the room and then slam the bedroom door, I figured that she was heading elsewhere in the house.

I breathed out a breath of relief and thought about what I'd heard for a second.

What a fight, Edward seemed really pissed. He was probably just sick of her always asking for it, though if he already told her no. Plus, he was probably either still drunk or in the beginning stages of on hell of a hangover.

_Why had she mentioned me?_

I wondered if I had been one of Edward's reasons for why he really wouldn't sleep with her or if she was just mentioning me offhandedly.

Then, I thought about how she called me a bitch. Sure, maybe she was just horny and grumpy, who wouldn't be sleeping next to Edward and not getting any.

Then again, I thought about it and maybe what I took as genuine, but still sickening, sweetness was really just an act.

Maybe Ms. Model was a bitch after all?

_If she was__,__ I was going to out her to everyone... very soon!_

It was rough getting up the next morning, but I managed. I even made it out of bed before ten. Like ten minutes before, but hey at least it was something, right?

I slipped on some decent clothes and headed down to the kitchen for some much needed coffee. I wasn't worried about running into Edward. My need for caffeine was far greater than any embarrassment that lingered in me.

But I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard Carlisle's deep voice say my name.

_"So what's going on with you and Bella?" _

I wondered for a moment if Carlisle was in there doing his fatherly duty and interrogating Devin, but then I quickly remembered that he was away for the day in Seattle visiting his grandmother. There was no way he could be in the kitchen.

Then I realized it had to be Edward in there.

What the hell?

_"Nothing..." _I heard Edward's gravelly voice.

_"Don't tell me nothing, I know what I see and I see a lot around here. Now, tell me, what's going on with you and her." _Carlisle prodded.

Carlisle was usually an easy going man, understanding, but I knew that he could really mean business if he wanted to and this happened to be one of those times.

I peeked around the corner, trying not to be seen just to make sure they were in fact alone.

Yep, it was just a very rumpled looking Edward sitting at the island, the same seat he had been in the night before and Carlisle was leaning against the other side, looking intently at his son.

Edward grumbled something I couldn't quite make out.

Causing Carlisle to say, _"I know you and Siobhan aren't hitting it off, Christ, your mother can even see it, so why did you bring her? __Hell… the whole house heard you fighting this morning.__"_

I waited a moment and slipped back behind the doorway, not wanting to be seen.

_"Because, I thought this would make her happy, show her that I could stay with someone for more than a few months,"_ Edward sighed, _"and Si and I _have_ been together for quite a while now__. __I don't know what I was thinking, but I guess it was all wishful.__"__  
_  
_"Edward, your mother and I want you to settle down__,__yes, but not be unhappy for the rest of your life."_

_"I know, I'm still figuring it all out. I really never questioned things much until I came home. __We didn't fight there.__" _

"_Really?"_

"_Well not like this, it was all supposed to be simple. Marry her, make you and Ma happy… and go on with my life, but now things are… pretty fucked up,"_ Edward answered before taking a sip of his coffee.

_"And what, you're dragging poor Bella along,__ while you're at it? __That's not really fair to her__,__ is it?__"_

_"Fuck no, Dad… Why do you keep bringing her up?"_

_"Don't 'Dad' me Edward, I just told you__,__ I'm __a hell of a lot __smarter than I look, so give me a little respect and tell me," _Carlisle told him.

"_There's nothing to fucking tell," _Edward murmured after a few quiet moments.

I watched as Carlisle's mouth pursed and his eyes narrowed. He looked pissed.

_"I don't know what you want me to say..." _

"_Do you have feelings for her son?" _

Edward didn't say anything, he sat there just swirling his coffee around in his mug. I noticed that his eyes never met his father's and I wondered if he really was just thinking this over for the first time or if he was trying to reason with himself to admit it to his father.

Last night told me that there was definitely something there between us. At least I thought there was at the time.

_"Is it her age? Because you know that won't matter to us anymore and her parents are hardly ever around..."_

But before I could hear what Edward's answer was to his observant father, Siobhan came rushing through the kitchen door, making them halt all talk. I decided to head back upstairs and wait for Rose before I faced them all.

_Fucking bitch! _

I didn't think I could hate her any more than I did that moment.

It was just after noon time when Rose finally rolled her ass out of bed. Of course even that was a miracle and it took an enormous amount of text messages to get her to wake up. She was a heavy sleeper, always has been.

"What's up?" she whispered.

"I just didn't want to go down there alone, and I figure you owe me after the thing with Ben," I said with a pout.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. Ben was a perfectly nice guy who really wanted to date Rose, and eventually I had to take one for the team and pretend to be Rose's girlfriend so that Ben would leave her alone. Yeah, that's right, I had kissed a Cullen… just not the one I wanted to, oh well.

"Bella, you've lived here for what, ten years? This house is just as much yours as it is mine, you shouldn't feel like you need me as a buffer anywhere..."

"I know that, but after last night I don't want to run into Edward," I explained, with a lie, because really it was Siobhan that I didn't want to run into. After what I had heard downstairs, it had given me hope, or at least a little, even though I hadn't heard his answer.

"I just have to put on some clothes, I'll be right out," she said before closing the door.

I knew it was going to be a few minutes so I leaned back against the wall and slid to the floor before pulling out my phone and surfing the web.

While I was nose deep in my phone I heard the bathroom door open. I didn't bother to look up. There was no way I could face Edward if I did, so I just kept my head down.

But I couldn't keep my head down when my thigh got brutally kicked. I mean we're talking Charlie horse material, here.

_What the fuck?_

I looked up only to see Ms. Model standing there smiling one of her sickeningly sweet smiles down at me.

"Oops, I guess you shouldn't be sitting there, huh?" she said in a not so sincere manner.

Lack of sleep and in serious need of caffeine made for a very grumpy Bella… and she was about to be on the receiving end of it.

"Watch it. Fucking bitch," I muttered under my breath too low for her to ever hear.

Or at least I thought it was, but when I saw her glaring at me I realized that she might have heard it. I was feeling rather daring after I had heard Carlisle comment that she and Edward weren't getting along, so I smirked.

"Bell, do yourself a favor and leave, because there is no way that you're going to get what you want," she said, giving me a look over, "We're just two completely different people, you and I, and he would much rather have Gucci as opposed to Target."

I stood up, not wanting to have this conversation on the floor, but she began to walk away.

"You don't even know what you're talking about," I said before I could stop myself.

I wasn't sure what was going on with me, but I guess it was time to fight for what I wanted.

She turned back to me in a flash. Her eyes darkened and then she was right in my face. "You really think I'm that fucking blind?"

I shrugged, "How the hell should I know, I hardly know you and honestly, I don't particularly want to."

She growled and I could see I had set her off with my nonchalant attitude. "Bella, I can see quite clearly what it is that you want, but you need to realize, _hon_, that you aren't ever going to get that, now go run along and play with some kids your own age," she said with a flick of her wrist.

What the fuck?

I shook my head at her ridiculousness. I desperately wanted to tell her what Edward did just the night before and just how close I got to what I truly wanted, but if I did, it would only give her what she wanted.

Rose made her appearance then, making Siobhan back up a few steps and plaster a fake smile back on her face.

"Don't worry Si, I heard everything, if you haven't noticed the walls are like paper around here," Rose said in a tone that meant business.

I loved her so much.

It was Siobhan's turn to shrug this time, before she turned and headed back into her room. I scowled at the door as we passed by.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Rose asked.

"I have no idea, I was just sitting there in the hallway, waiting for you and she kicked me, and then started sprouting off about Edward and how I'm not good enough," I said with a sigh.

Rose wrapped her arm around me and told me softly that bitch would pay and I knew she meant it.

Lunch was so fucking awkward it was off the charts. I couldn't meet Edward's eyes and Siobhan was sitting next to him so that was just making matters worse, and then the whole time I could see Carlisle pleading with Edward silently through his eyes. Oh, what a fucked up family meal.

Then after lunch Esme took us aside to find out what was going on.

We were out in the garage, the only place there was really any privacy around here.

"He did what?" Esme asked, shocked and appalled as I recapped what had almost happened the night before.

I blushed.

"That's not the worst of it though," Rose said softly, before retelling all that went down between me and Ms. Model earlier.

"I'll kick her ass," Esme said darkly.

This was cool, calm and always effortlessly collected Esme, and now she was threatening to kick her son's fiancée's ass? _Holy shit!_

"Mom, chill, she knows I heard her and she's not going to do anything else while I'm around."

Esme sighed and shook her head. "I just don't think I can sit by while that bitch is in my house..."

"For whatever reason I don't think she'll be around long," Rose offered.

"And even if she is, Christmas is only a week away, she won't be here long either way," I chimed in softly.

I was praying the time would go by fast.

***C***

The days wore on and the awkwardness slowly started to wear off. Thank God, because I didn't know how much more I would be able to take.

I hadn't really talked to Edward much since that night, but that was okay. I had made a deal with myself that he would need to approach me if he wanted to hang out or talk. I resolved that I wasn't going to let myself suffer anymore; I was going to be the strong young woman I knew I could be.

I felt more comfortable to be around by myself, so when I saw that Esme's famous cookies had run out, I took it upon myself to bake some more. Baking helped take my mind off of everything. The intricate parts to the recipe were enough to keep me busy for at least a few minutes.

I threw a batch together pretty quickly and plunked myself at the island while I waited for them to bake. I flipped through a magazine trying to think if there were any other gifts I needed to get.

I shook my head as I ticked off everyone I could think of on my list to buy for, I certainly wasn't going to buy anything for Siobhan, but that was okay and I was willing to take any heat from Edward that I might get.

I was in the middle of reading an article about how women sometimes marry a man and don't even know who they really are; it was freaking me out, when someone sat down beside me. I looked up to see Edward.

_Great... and at the scene of the crime too._

_Fucking shit… _I tried to calm myself down when I noticed my anxiety rising. After all, he was still the Edward I had known for the majority of my life."Hey," he whispered softly.

"Hi," I said finally meeting his eyes.

"Making some cookies?"

I nodded.

He sighed. "Are we... okay?" he asked finally after a few moments.

I shrugged, I wasn't even sure he knew what he did.

"Bella, I feel like something happened. Did I do something to upset you the other night?" he asked softly, turning himself to face me.

I gulped and tried to will the blush that was creeping up my face to go away. Technically speaking, he hadn't. I didn't want him to think I was making a big deal over nothing. And of course in my mind I was probably making a bigger deal out of what was nothing.

"N-no, it was nothing. Don't even worry about it."

"Are you sure? Because most of the night is pretty fuzzy. I… uh… definitely drank too much," he said rubbing the back of his neck and looking a little embarrassed.

I nodded again. Because really what was I supposed to say to that? I'd gathered by the way he'd been acting that he didn't remember our almost kiss but thought he'd done something to offend me.

He sighed again; I was beginning to see a pattern. "Are you ever going to talk to me again?"

I looked up at him to see those beautiful green eyes staring down at me. "Yeah, I'm talking now aren't I?" I said a bit curtly, not really sure if I should trust my voice.

"Good," he said softly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

I sighed and let myself lean into him, I didn't know if I would ever get the chance again and I wanted to take full advantage of it. Even if it was meant as purely a friendly gesture.

"So, I was wondering what you were doing tomorrow night?"

I was briefly startled, but I looked up at him and saw the sincerity in his features, so I took it at face value. What was the worst that could happen, anyway?

"Nothing, why?" I said a bit skeptical.

"I was wondering, um, if you wanted to head up to Port Angeles with me?" he asked sounding a bit shy.

I stared at him like he had two heads, long enough for him to get the picture that he needed to explain.

"I have a potential job and I need to meet with the client _and_... I was thinking we go out to dinner and maybe catch a movie while we're there. Let me make up for the other night, whatever it was that I did, please?" he asked softly.

I thought about it for a minute. It would mean being alone with him, probably the last chance I would have before we both left and went back to our lives without each other; before he went back to his life with Siobhan...

"Sure, that would be great," I told him softly.

"Great," he said with a huge smile.

_Oh man... this should be interesting... _

* * *

**Okay, so Si and Edward are fighting pretty big time, huh? And how about that almost kiss there? But he doesn't remember... **_  
_

**What do you think of it all?  
**

**And what about that little trip up to PA?  
**

**Hehe see you Friday! :)  
**


	8. Rated R Movies & Dinner Lovers

**Happy Monday all! How was your weekend? Mine was great! My husband randomly went out and bought a pool! I love it! haha!  
**

**As always many thanks to my ever patient beta Midnight Cougar!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 8**

**BPOV  
**

"So where were you this morning?" I asked as Rose brought out all her goodies. She knew just what to do and I trusted her so much that I didn't even bother to ask her what her plan was.

She shrugged, "Edward took me out for breakfast."

I nodded, but then wondered why the hell he took her out. I mean I knew that of course she was his _actual_ sister, but honestly we didn't often do much without each other. Then again, he had just taken me bowling alone, so maybe he was trying to make it up to her.

"Did you have fun?"

"Oh yeah, he was hoot," she said with a smile. I knew what it was like to go to breakfast with the two of them. They were always teasing each other and sometimes it would even end up in a food fight, yep two grown adults having a food fight in a restaurant. Good times, I tell ya.

"It was cute, he wanted to catch up. Asking about college and all that good stuff and then he started rambling about his job opportunities."

"Yeah…"

"And then we somehow got on to the subject of Siobhan…"

My ears perked up at that. "Really?"

"Yep," she said with a bob of her head, "He wanted to know what I thought of her."

"What did you say?"

"I told him the truth, just that I didn't feel like she was good fit. And I sorta mentioned that I don't think she's as innocent as she lets on you know about the hallway incident?"

"Yeah."

"He said he knew all about her mood swings, but then he dropped the subject like a hot potato."

I laughed humorlessly at that.

"Then he was asking me all about Paul, you know? He wanted to know if he was treating me right and how things were going. I think he's finally warming up to the idea."

"And if not, he's realizing he can't change it," I told her with a smile.

We laughed at that for a moment, before it all died down and I looked in the mirror with a soft frown. Things were nowhere near where I expected them to be before I headed home for Christmas, this was supposed to be the year I finally played my hand.

"You're sure you really want to go?" Rose asked as she fussed with my hair. She was making me beautiful, because I was determined that tonight was going to be the make it or break it night.

Her fingers floated through my hair, smoothing and combing as they went.

It was only two in the afternoon, but Edward said we needed be in Port Angeles by four for his meeting, and then after that we were going to paint the town red. At least that was how he put it.

It made my heart stutter a bit when I thought about it. _Oh the possibilities._

I couldn't for the life of me understand why he wanted to take me and not Siobhan, considering Christmas was only like three days away and she'd probably never seen Port Angeles. It just didn't add up, but he had said she was staying home, that she had 'stuff' to do, but whatever, I wasn't about to dwell on it if he wasn't going to.

What did I really care, right? All I really cared about was that I was the one going and _she_ was the one that was staying home.

"Yeah, I think it'll be good for us. He said he wanted to make up for the other night," I told her, recalling his words.

Her eyebrows shot up and I could see them in the mirror. "He knows?"

I shook my head, "No, he said he doesn't remember what happened, just that he's certain that he offended me in some way. So he's hell bent on making it up to me."

"Oh…Well I guess that's good, huh?" she said before spraying my mane down with yet another product.

I nodded, "Even if it's just to get back to a platonic start again, I'm okay with that."

"Bella, you're wearing my favorite skirt and heels and you're really expecting it to be a platonic evening out?" she asked raising her eyebrow in the mirror.

I shrugged. To be honest, I hadn't really considered what would happen. I really hadn't thought about the implications _if _something were to happen. Edward was still technically engaged and that would make me look like a whore. I wanted to make him see I wasn't his kid sister anymore, yes, but I wasn't about to become the other woman. It just wasn't in my DNA to do something like that.

"Come on," Rose prodded slipping in a few bobby pins. She had french braided my hair and it looked absolutely beautiful with the wool skirt and deep purple sweater she let me borrow.

I was really grateful to have her, because without her I would certainly be lost. There was no way I could pull an outfit like _this _together.

"Listen, I haven't really thought about it, but I can assure you I won't be doing anything with him until he's a very single man."

She smiled and nodded then got back to work. She knew I wasn't going to open myself up for that kind of heartache.

I was lucky Rose was so easy going about the whole thing. Most women wouldn't want their friends hitting on their brothers, but Rose was different, she understood and was more than willing to help.

Once my hair and make-up were finished and I looked like a million bucks, I slipped on the deep purple heels that Rose had picked out. The outfit was perfect, it didn't scream "date night" but it wasn't so casual that I looked like a kid hanging out with her older brother.

I finally looked like an adult. It wasn't slutty in the least, yet it still made me feel extraordinarily sexy, which was really something.

"Thank you for everything," I said with a small smile as I drew Rose into a hug.

"No problem, the rest is up to you, because I sure as hell am not standing up in a church and watching _her _become a Cullen."

"I'll do my best," I promised before I slipped out of the room.

I would do my best because I wasn't about to let _that _happen either. I hated the bitch and for her to become a Cullen would be a travesty. Esme would have a coronary and someone would probably have to tape Rose's mouth shut for the ceremony because there was no way she would let that shit actually happen.

Edward was waiting for me downstairs dressed to the nines in a fancy button up and dark green tie. He looked uber edible, making me reconsider my decision to wait until he was absolutely single to do anything physical with him. I licked my lips and shook my head, it wasn't worth. His soft looking lips were sure to taste so much sweeter if he was single and I was able to have a guilt-free kiss.

"Bella, you look amazing," he said all low and warm, making my insides tighten.

_This was a bad idea_... A few more minutes of _that _voice and I would be spread eagle, naked, on the kitchen island...

I managed to smile up at him and murmur a thank you before we were interrupted.

"Oh Eddie, don't you just look downright handsome," Ms. Model's horrible voice broke through my little day dream.

_GAH!_

"Thanks...," he said looking annoyed as she tried to fuss with his tie.

His hands even so much as batted her away, but she just tutted at him.

"And look at you Bell, trying to look like a grown up, how cute," she said cutting her eyes to me.

That was code for I actually look good, but she didn't want to say it, no she wanted to harp on my age, trying like hell to sink her claws into Edward anyway she could before we left. _Don't worry__;__ I __don't__ need much to show him that I'm not his little sister… not much at all. _

I noticed something sparkling on Ms. Model's left hand, and I instantly lost a bit of the confidence I had a moment ago.

I gulped and realized that she did have a ring. Edward wasn't holding out. It was there resting on her hand. A huge sparkler for the whole world to see.

She adjusted his tie again, making sure it sparkled brightly before he caught her hand and glared at her.

Then I realized that even though she had one, he didn't want her wearing it and that relieved a bit of the tension I felt. Clearly, there were bumps in their picture perfect road to marital bliss.

I stifled my smile, she was dead. Yep, he was going to lose his shit on her and I couldn't wait. Mentally, I found a comfortable chair and propped up my feet as I waited for the fireworks to begin.

"Si, I thought we talked about this," he said angrily.

She pouted and batted her eyelashes at him, "Oh but baby, I just missed it, my hand felt so off not having it on, I'm sorry."

He sighed looking even more annoyed.

"Fuck," he sighed under his breath.

"Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag now, huh?" she said looking fake surprised.

I tried really hard to keep the scowl from my face, but thankfully Edward wasn't looking in my direction, so he at least didn't see it, because I knew I couldn't keep it off completely.

Edward rolled his eyes, "Bella already knew, I told her a while ago."

Siobhan turned to me and gave me a look of death, but I didn't back down, nope I cocked my bitch brow right back at her. I wasn't about to back down to her.

"Yeah, he mentioned it one morning," I added, with a smug smile.

"Alright, well, we gotta go if I'm going to make my meeting, and Si, please take that thing off for right now," Edward said before pecking her on the cheek and grabbing his coat.

Edward turned and eyed her pointedly as he waited for her to remove the ring from her finger. She did, but not without a fight. Her fingers twisted around it and she wasted time.

"Off with it, now," he said sternly, making both of us jump.

She huffed and plucked it off of her polished finger and gripped it in her palm.

"Fine, but I'll miss you even more without it on," she said pouting again.

"You'll be fine here, besides isn't your boss having you sit in on that big meeting?"

Ah, so it was a meeting… I made a mental note to send her boss flowers.

"Yeah, but it's not like I couldn't do it in the car," she offered, before sliding her eyes to me, giving me a cold hard stare.

I returned it with just as much attitude as she was sending me.

"That's exactly what I want to listen to on my way to my meeting," Edward said snarkily.

I held back my chuckle, but still smiled. I loved Edward's sarcastic side. It made him seem like the same twenty year old Edward that I grew up with. It brought me back… to better times.

"Whatever," she said with a sigh. "Have a nice time."

"We will," I assured her with a wide smile.

She didn't even try to hide her scowl when I stepped in front of her closer to the door and Edward caught it.

"Si, really, what are you, five?" he asked sounding exasperated.

She huffed yet again, not giving him an answer.

He held out my coat for me and I slipped it on before smiling another big ass fake smile at Ms. Model and heading out to the car.

Edward didn't kiss her goodbye, nope, instead he followed me right out and slammed the door shut behind him, leaving Ms. Model standing there in the lurch.

The drive to Port Angeles was comfortable, Edward flipped on some music and we chatted amiably for a while, before the subject of Devin came up.

_Awkward… _

"So what's going on with you guys?" Edward asked casually.

_Why was he so interested?_

I shrugged.

"Are you still together?" Edward asked softly.

I coughed; really, could he be more obvious?

"I don't think we were ever really _together_," I said honestly.

He gave me a confused look, and then turned his attention back to the road. "You two sure seemed like you were together..."

"I wouldn't exactly call it together, but we're definitely friends," I explained.

I certainly didn't want to give Edward the impression I would ever cheat, so I wanted to make it clear that Dev and I weren't really together.

"Are you like that with all of your friends?" he asked with a cocked brow.

I blushed and shook my head. "God no, um, Dev and I were just testing out the waters, we both realized it wouldn't work out, so we wanted to just stay friends. He's wonderful, really. A sweet guy, but it just wasn't meant to be and we both saw that."

"That night you went out, after we went bowling, were you just friends then?" he asked in a low voice, making me shiver.

I nodded lightly, not really knowing what to say. I wasn't going to lie to him.

Edward turned away from me and stared at the road for a moment, before putting on his turn signal and pulling into the driveway of a huge house.

"We're here, I won't be too long, probably less than an hour, I'll leave it running for you," he said with very little emotion. "You can shut it off when you're hot enough, and restart if you need too."

His voice was monotone and I wondered if I had pissed him off. I really hoped he wasn't, it was never my intention to send him off into his meeting all worked up, but I just couldn't tell with him, you know?

I took a minute to look around at the house we were at. It looked really expensive. _Like, really expensive! _A huge house, an even bigger yard that had a pool, it all just screamed money. I knew Edward was good, but I never really imagined he would be meeting with people from the likes of _this _place.

Edward had been a freelance photographer ever since he graduated from WSU. He moved out to New York because there were more opportunities for photographers just starting out. It was hard for Esme, but she understood. And that's where he'd been for the past eight years, making a name for himself. It must've paid off, because this place didn't look like it belonged to your run of the mill client.

I wondered what kind of job it could be, but my mind ended up going wild with crazy thoughts of him photographing a crazy kinky couple that wanted pictures of themselves sexing it up in the garden or something as equally weird.

I spent the better part of the next hour texting Rose. She told me all about how Paul was taking her to see the lights in Seattle; they were planning on leaving the day after Christmas and going for a couple of days. I thought it was great that she finally got what she wanted. I told her what I had said to Edward and why and she thought that was a good idea. No need to make him think I was a cheater, you know? Then just as were getting into a heated battle of Draw Something, there was a knock on the window. I looked up and saw a very smiley Edward standing there waiting for me to unlock the doors.

I did and in with Edward came the blisteringly cold air.

I shivered and quickly rubbed my hands together. It was so fucking cold and my outfit wasn't exactly the warmest.

"So, I take it you got the job, right?" I asked, smiling back at him because I couldn't help it.

"Yep, it was an easy score," he said, beaming.

That would mean he would be here for work, right?

"What kind of work is it for?" I wondered taking one last look around before Edward pulled down the driveway.

"Mrs. Wilton hired me on to do the catalog for her clothing line shoot," he explained. "She has an elite clientele and wants a new catalog to showcase her designs."

_Ah, so not quite as kinky as I thought. _

That sounded pretty big. "Wow, congrats!"

"Thanks, I'm pretty proud," he said still beaming.

"Where would the shoot be?" I finally asked.

"In Seattle."

_Seattle, not Nyc... _

I nodded not knowing what to say without sounding too excited about it.

"Sounds like it should bring you a pretty good stash of cash," I commented after a moment remembering the house we'd just left.

I knew, to him, that it wasn't about the money. I had learned that a long time ago. Edward loved capturing a moment in time, making a scene come to life on a piece of photo paper.

He nodded, but looked a bit angry.

_Okay... _

I didn't mean to offend him; I was just stating a fact."I guess you'll be able to afford a lavish wedding that I'm sure Siobhan wants."

Edward cocked his head at me briefly. "I'd never be able to afford the wedding that she wants."

I chuckled without catching myself, making Edward look at me again.

"Sorry," I replied sheepishly.

He shrugged, "She's not for everyone, trust me, I know."

I laughed again, this time not holding anything back. It was great and freeing.

We sat in a comfortable silence after that, all the way to the movie theater.

Edward helped me out of the car once again, this time his hand never left my body. His arm stayed right around my waist all the way inside. Then when we were choosing the movie, Edward suggested the romantic one we had seen posters for on the way in. It looked fun and it had one of my favorite actors in it, so I was cool with it.

"Sure, why not?" I said with a smile and with that he led us over to the ticket counter.

He got us a bag of popcorn and a few drinks before we headed to our seats.

We were in the back row again, but this time we were alone. Almost the whole theater was empty. Such a strange thing, but I figured everyone was probably out shopping.

I munched on some popcorn and sipped some soda as the movie began to play. Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulders again, making sure I was nice and close to him. At least that's the way I saw it. Unfortunately, he was like this with Rose too. He was one to make sure we were protected in close range of him, always.

I sighed and tried to focus on the film instead of the heat of his arm on my shoulders.

The movie played out pretty typically. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, they begin to date and hang out and then they have sex. Yeah, we were on that part.

The guy's lips were currently caressing her shoulder and his fingers were unbuttoning her dress. I couldn't help but squirm a bit in my seat; it was doing things to me to be that close to Edward, while watching a love scene that looked remarkably real. Seriously… these actors were either actually doing most of these things or they both deserved an Oscar.

He pushed her dress to the floor and she gasped. Then she turned to him pressing her naked breasts against his chest. It was just too much, I squirmed again feeling very hot and bothered.

But this time I must not have been quite so discrete because Edward was looking down at me smirking while the longest love scene known to man played out in front of us.

I quickly turned my eyes away from him and the screen and tried to focus on my lap.

"Is this bothering you?" Edward asked low and husky.

A shiver went straight down my spine.

I gulped and shook my head. Not in the way he meant, at least.

Was it making my lower half tingle… yeah, that was understatement, because I couldn't stop picturing Edward from doing it to me.

"Have you ever had a man... do that?" he whispered in my ear. His warm breath washed over my neck and brought back memories from the kitchen. He was so close…

I looked up at the screen to see the man's head between her legs... _Whoa..._I must have missed the 'R' rating warning on this movie.

I shook my head 'no' before even thinking about it. I could've kept up the rouse that I wasn't a virgin and that I had some experience, but I figured why bother, if anything ever went the way I wanted it, he would find out, right?

"_Mmmm_... that's damn shame," he whispered looking right into my eyes. "I bet you would taste so sweet." I could have sworn I heard him mumble under his breath as he turned back to the screen.

I shrugged, "Maybe not, maybe I just haven't found the right person to share that with yet."

He glanced back at me with raised eyebrows but said nothing else.

After the love scene was over, the movie went along pretty quick without any more squirming from me thankfully.

The credits rolled and we both stood up and stretched. "Hmmm, I'm starving, I guess we didn't eat much of our popcorn," he said looking at the half empty bag we'd been sharing, "wanna get something to eat?"

"Sure what were you thinking?"

"How about Italian?" he asked after picking up our trash.

My stomach growled loudly at the suggestion, making him chuckle.

I sighed loving the sound of his laugh; it was so deep and soulful.

"It's settled then, and I know this great little place not too far from here."

Edward pulled up out in front of a small restaurant about twenty minutes from the theater.

It looked ritzy even for its quaint size.

"Are you sure this is a good place?" I wondered, trying to figure out how much cash I had on me.

He smiled wide, "It's the best Italian around, I wouldn't treat you to anything less than the best, Bella."

I smiled back and breathed a sigh of relief. I was just happy that he was treating, and I was thrilled to be spending this quality time with him.

Edward's hand found its way to the small of my back as we entered the tiny establishment.

"Welcome to Armando's, how many?" the petite hostess said with a smile. I smiled back at her while I let Edward do the talking.

"Two please," Edward answered.

"And where would you and your girlfriend like to sit?" she asked sweetly after appraising my hand.

_Ha… I wish!_

"In the corner, please," Edward said without even blinking at the term girlfriend.

"Ah, yes, the lovers corner, good choice, right this way," she said before taking off in front of us.

My feet were momentarily glued in place, until he leaned down and said, "Come on lover," in my ear. I shivered and he smirked. I didn't want to, but it seemed like every time I was around him I lost control over my own body. I was at his will, his mercy.

The place was absolutely beautiful with rich fabrics adorning every square inch. Not to mention the sweet candle lit tables scattered about. It was more of a place you go on your first date and then once you're ready to propose, not with just a friend.

We sat and she handed us our menus before promising that our waiter would be along shortly.

"So you seem to know this place pretty well," I commented, wondering if he had brought more women here in the past.

He blushed.

"I've only been here once before, with mom and dad, but I've always wanted to come back," he explained.

"Well, it's good that you finally got to come back," I said softly.

"Yeah, I've been waiting for the perfect chance, since we realized this isn't really a family spot."

I blushed, "I'm sure you would've much rather brought Siobhan, right?"

He shook his head slowly, "No, she wouldn't be seen in a place like this, while it is lovely, anything less than a five star isn't her kind of restaurant. I don't want to brag, but Esme's cooking is some of the best around and she's always complaining about it. I just can't... stand her belittling sometimes," he said with a sigh.

I furrowed my brows together and picked up my menu. I knew she was high maintenance, but I never expected that she was that much of a diva. Esme made some of the best food I had ever tasted. Siobhan was fucking nuts if she thought Esme was a bad cook.

"Everything is so much easier with you," he said softly. "I feel so relaxed with you."

I took that to heart, but I didn't know what to say back to him, my tongue practically tied itself in a knot while I thought about what to say. Nothing came to mind though, so we sat there in peaceful silence perusing our menus.

Our waiter arrived and quickly took our order, and come to find out, not only were they the best Italian restaurant, but they were also fast. Our food was in front of us in mere minutes.

So there wasn't much idle chatter after that. We just enjoyed our meal in comfortable silence.

"Did you and Dev go out a lot when you were... trying?"

I nodded and continued chewing. We did _technically... _just that we weren't actually trying.

"And no one... _said _anything… about your age?" he wondered.

"I don't think anyone really noticed, Edward," I huffed, "I mean it's not like I look like I'm fourteen, and he sure as hell doesn't look like he's forty."

He nodded.

We ate in silence for a while longer because really, I was tired of talking about age difference; it was getting old.

"Why didn't it work out?" he asked suddenly.

I was so startled I coughed on a bit of my water.

"Um... well… because sometimes people like other people," I said vaguely.

He shook his head, "No way, he really liked you... I mean for years too."

I felt a little sadness bubble up inside of me for Dev, but it wasn't like I could just suddenly turn on feelings that clearly weren't there. While I adored Dev as a friend, I knew it could never be more, and so did he.

"I didn't say it was him, did I?"

_"Oh..." _

* * *

**So Bella just told him that it wasn't Dev that she really liked. I wonder, what do you guys think he'll say to that?  
**

**Edward spent a little sister-brother time with Rose, how do you think that went?  
**

**And did anyone else catch that little move that Cinnabitch tried to pull?  
**

**I guess Edward will be working closer to home rather than all the way in Nyc, huh?  
**


	9. Paper Thin Walls & Yummy Afternoon Naps

**Chapter 9 Crushing**

"Well after he got the job, we headed out to a movie," I explained. I was giddy to let them know how it went.

Then I went on to tell them all about the movie and the love scene. Not everything… just that I thought he had made an allusive comment to me. It was still his mom after all, even if she was just as big of a dirty dog as Rose and I.

Esme and Rose had cornered me as soon as Edward and I returned from Port Angeles. I really wanted to spend more time with him, but they were on me as soon as we walked through the door. So we headed up to Rose's room, on the way there Edward broke off and headed into his room, where I was sure Siobhan was waiting for him. I cringed at the thought, but let it go because he was still hers and I wasn't staking my claim on anything that wasn't completely free to be mine.

There wasn't a whole lot to tell though. Sure, we had started a pretty feisty conversation in the restaurant, but it never amounted to much of anything. I got cold feet when I was about to tell him that it was in fact him who I liked. It wasn't that I didn't want him to know. It was that it didn't feel right telling him at that moment.

Edward needed to be a single man for me to get any closer to him because, one, I didn't want to end up getting hurt, and two, I didn't want anything I said to affect his decision. He was, after all, an engaged man. If he really wanted to be with Cinnabitch, so be it, but if he didn't, he was going to figure that out on his own terms.

"Yeah, and then we went to dinner at this little place called _Armando's_," I said as I continued retelling the events. I was still excited about what little that did happen between us.

Esme's face lit up brightly when she heard that and she grinned like a fool.

"What?" I asked after a moment.

"Oh nothing," she said softly trying, but failing, to wipe the grin off of her face.

"No, come on, tell me please," I begged batting my eyelashes. Now I really wanted to know because it had to be something good.

"It's just that, after we discovered that wonderful place, Carlisle took Edward aside and told him the next time he was to go there with someone he really loved," Esme said softly.

I scoffed at her sentimental words.

_There was just no way...___

"Ma," Rose said in disbelief too.

"Fine, you just wait here a second, I'll be right back," Esme said as she scurried from Rose's room and down the hall.

"There's no way," I whispered the words that kept repeating in my head to Rose.

She shrugged not really believing her mother's words either.

Too good…, you know that saying… yeah the one where if something seemed too good to be true, it probably was, well that was how I was feeling in that moment.

It was one thing for him to want me in place of Cinnatart, because _really_ she was a snobbish bitch, but to _love_ me… that was a stretch.

A few minutes later Esme returned with Carlisle in tow.

"Okay, sit down there and this will be over quick," Esme told him, pointing to the bed.

He raised an eyebrow at her, "Baby, if you wanted some we could've done it in our bed. I didn't realize that you wanted an audience." The way Carlisle bit his lip trying not to laugh was cute but the comment was a bit much. I mean I understood that they weren't dead or anything, but I would much rather not know about their sex life since they were basically my parents too and it was weird.

"Ewww Dad!" Rose said disgusted.

Carlisle just smirked, and that was definitely where Edward got his smirk from. It was the very same knee-weakening, heart racing smirk.

"Okay, what did you want me for, if it wasn't for my body?" Carlisle jokingly huffed after a few moments.

Esme grinned and blushed, they were adorable. "I wanted you to tell the girls what you said to Edward after we brought him to Armando's that one time."

He thought about it for a moment, tapping his chin as if trying to remember the exact words, "Yeah, I told him the next time he went there he should bring someone he loves because I sure as hell wasn't going back there with anyone except her," he said pointing to Esme, causing her to blush again. "It's a pretty damn romantic place, definitely meant for couples in love."

We all chuckled for a minute.

But then I started to think about Edward's comment about how he had been waiting for the 'perfect chance' to go back, and it made me wonder.

"Why do you ask about that?" Carlisle wondered. His blue eyes seemed to search Esme like he was afraid of the answer.

"Because that's where Edward took Bella tonight after his meeting," Rose answered.

Carlisle's eyebrows shot up, "Really?"

I nodded sheepishly.

Esme and Carlisle shared a quick moment with one another, no words were said but there was an unmistakable silent conversation between the two of them. Finally she smiled and so did he before their eyes drew themselves back to us.

"Well good for you, baby girl," Carlisle said softly bringing me into a loving hug, "Maybe he does listen to his old man every once in a while."

_What was that supposed to mean?_

All I could think of was that little conversation I partially overheard in the kitchen between the two of them.

"Where'd you sit? Because that's the kicker," Carlisle asked rubbing his hands together.

I looked down at my feet and then back up at him trying to keep my hopes down because Edward was still technically with Cinnabitch, even if his family was excited about the prospect of us together.

"The corner," I murmured, leaving out the hostess's name for it.

"The _lover's _corner," Esme corrected, clearly she knew it well.

Carlisle's brows shot up again as he sucked in a breath.

"Did they ask you?" he wondered.

I nodded.

"And he was the one that picked?" Carlisle asked, continuing his questioning.

I nodded again, because it was the truth.

"Holy shit," Rose whispered.

"Holy shit is right," Esme added in.

And one look up at Carlisle to see his head bobbing in agreement was enough to prove this was big…like really fucking big.

He shook his head with a smile. "That boy might be coming to his senses after all."

"I sure hope so," Esme muttered.

"Well ladies I'm heading back to bed now, and Emmy honey, when you're through in here, you know where to find me," he said, giving her a salacious grin.

Esme grinned right back; making both Rose and I look away.

After the door closed she was right back on the bed with us eagerly waiting for my recount of everything else that happened. I loved how eager she was to be supportive; she had always been the coolest mother – Rose was a very lucky girl.

We laughed and they awed over every detail. It was…nice. Having a mother figure actually interested in your life was a comforting feeling too.

"It's only a matter of time," Rose said softly.

"Yeah, but what kills me is that he's in _there_ with her when I was the one who he spent the evening with."

I didn't want to sound like a petulant child, but it was the truth. It really did kill me that I wasn't in there lying in his bed next to him. It wasn't even in a sexual manner that I meant it. I just wanted to be close to him. After the evening we had and the sparks I felt, it was weird being away from him.

"I think Rose is right Bella, he obviously already sees the light, he's probably just looking for a way out of the bag he's in now," Esme reassured me.

"Okay," I whispered, trying to hold on to hope.

It was hard to be positive about it. They didn't know I had seen the ring earlier in the day. I was keeping that to myself for now. It was enough that I knew it was there, there was no need to tell them and give them more to worry about.

The next day passed fairly quickly and before I knew it, it was the day before Christmas Eve.

Esme had already decorated the house, but Rose and I helped put out a few little things for the big, extended family party the following night. Christmas Eve in the Cullen house, was nothing short of fabulous, year in and year out.

I stood on a step stool hanging a bit of mistletoe in the center of the doorway leading into the living room. All while I was doing it I wondered if it would lead to Edward and I kissing.

I kept telling myself that I had to wait. _Not until he can be completely mine. Not until then._

But in the meantime, I could fantasize all I wanted.

Just while I was daydreaming about Edward's soft, warm lips, Siobhan came along and brusquely tried to squeeze her fat ass between the ladder and doorway. The stool tipped and nearly knocked me off balance, before Carlisle caught me around the waist and helped me get my footing.

"You okay?" he asked softly, seeing that I was a tad shaken.

I muttered 'yes' and nodded. _Motherfucking bitch..._ I was going to kick her Cinnabitchin' ass.

She clearly paid no attention to my safety at all or most probable, didn't give a shit.

"Alright then, now time to pay the hero," Carlisle said pointing to his cheek.

I leaned down with a smile and gave him a peck and he grinned like a fool.

"She really needs to watch where she's going with that wide load, huh?"

I nodded and stifled a giggle.

"Let me know if you have any more damsel in distress moments, especially if I keep getting a reward like that," he said before heading into the kitchen.

Esme slaved away in the kitchen making all of her usual delicious desserts, while Rose and I helped get some of the meal ready.

With as much as we could get ready ahead of time done, the sun had set and the hours had flown by. Edward had stopped in every now and then to sample some stuff, but then hurried off, claiming he had work to do.

I was left wondering if he was preparing for his new job in Port Angeles or if it was stuff back home. It felt so weird to care about junk like that. Stuff that I normally wouldn't have paid more than a second of attention to typically.

Rose and I dragged ourselves to our respective rooms, completely and utterly exhausted. Flour caked our hands and dusted our hair.

I made it to the bathroom to wash my face and hands, but didn't even bother to undress;, I just crawled into bed. Jeans and all, as uncomfortable as it would be, I just didn't have it in me to pull them all the way down my legs.

Just as I pulled the covers up to my neck and closed my eyes, I knew I wouldn't be sleeping much that night. Not for lack of exhaustion though, no, not at all.

_"I think we should,"_ Siobhan whined to Edward.

About what though, I had no idea.

_"No way, we're not doing it like that." _

What the hell were they fighting about, now?

_"But baby, if we announce our engagement like that then it'll be like our little Christmas gift to your whole family__**.**__"_

"I'm not announcing it tomorrow night_ in front of a whole bunch of people__, it's not happening. I haven't even told my parents yet,"_ Edward said with a sigh.

Again with the engagement? _Really? _She just didn't get it, did she?

_"I noticed," _she spat back at him. _"Why __exactly __is that Edward?"_

My ears perked up and I was wide awake after that question was posed. I really shouldn't have been listening, but this shit was better than HBO and far more entertaining.

"_You really want to know?" _

"_Yeah, fucking tell me__ 'cause I'm sick and tired of your stalling__!" _

"_Well, to be honest, __I don't know if I even want to marry you any more,"_ he yelled, his tone was so vicious that I almost felt bad for her.

Whoa…

"_You ungrateful bastard. __I _made _you who you are and this is how you thank me?" _she shrieked making my skin prickle with goose bumps.

"_Keep your voice down,__ Jesus Christ Si,__people can hear everything we say and __there's no need to wake anyone else here__ so they can hear you fling insults at me__." _

"_Don't fucking remind me__ about people hearing us__," _she snapped. _"It's been your excuse for everything _not _happening between us lately."_

"_Okay, let's get one thing straight, you__ didn't make me anything Si, you wanted someone else. Someone I can't be,"_ he said in a calmer voice.

"_I want you! What don't you understand about that?" _she whined.

"_You've always wanted what I could be instead of who I __really __am, you know that__ and now I've realized that too__. We can't keep living like this. When we were home I barely saw you more than once a week. This past month has been an eye opener."_

"_Is that why you didn't tell your family about us?" _she snarled, _"Because you weren't sure about me?"_

"_No. I didn't tell them about us because I wasn't sure about everything. It wasn't just you. It was me, our relationship. My drunken proposal wasn't supposed to be what it was… it just sort of happened and you ran with it. I never had a chance to talk to you about it with all the appointments you made."_

"_Don't blame this on me! You were the one that claimed you wanted to marry me!"_

"_And I'm sorry for that!" _he said as his voice rose, clearly he was really annoyed and ready to let her have it. _"I should have thought this through more thoroughly, but marriage is for life for me Si, and I don't know if I want that with you."_

"_What? But… __So I can't even show them my ring?" _she tried again in an even whinier tone.

"_If you mean the one you bought… I don't fucking care what you do, __but __don't you dare tell them that we're engaged__ right now__."_

Wait a sec… did I just hear that right? She bought the ring? Who the fuck did that?

"_Fuck it!" _she screeched._"Fuck you!"_

He muttered something that I couldn't quite make out and then their door slammed.

I decided not to tempt fate and go to see which one it was that left the room, because I so did not want to run in to her at the moment.

The normal Christmas Eve morning consisted of waking up to the heavenly aroma of a tantalizing breakfast waiting for me downstairs. Then I would stretch and crinkle my toes at the thought of all the goodies I was about to consume. All that was before I would slip on my robe and wander down the stairs. But this year was different. Yep, instead of waking up in the best way possible, I woke up to even more fighting.

"_Edward, wake the fuck up, NOW!" _Her whisper-yelling left much to be desired.

"_What?" _he hissed back at her.

I heard some commotion, not really knowing what was going on in there. But there was a bang, sounding a lot like Edward's head on the headboard.

_"What the fuck Edward, you took her to a movie?"_ Siobhan shouted, making me cringe.

_"Would you keep it down? __God, Si, I'm sure my family is getting sick of listening to us fight__."_

"No, I will not fucking keep it down! You took her to a goddamn movie. Was it some kind of a sick date for you with you_r__ kid sister?"_

I rolled my eyes. Edward must've left his ticket stub out where she could find it.

_"She's not my kid sister Si, she__'s__ a beautiful__,__young __woman who is best friends with my kid sister and __has been for many years, and __if you looked around, you would see that __she means the world to my family__. And yeah, I took her to a movie," _Edward explained.

I grinned like a fool, he thought I was beautiful. Wow. Even though I had just woken up, I was sure I had heard everything clearly.

_"Why would you need to take_ her_ to a fucking movie?"_

"Siobhan, just fucking drop it, it happened and it's not like you can go back and change it by harping on it, okay?"

There was quiet for a few minutes and I checked the clock seeing it was still very early, just after six, so I ducked under my covers and tried to go back to sleep, but just as my eyes began to feel heavy again the yelling started again.

_Fuck my life… Really? _Clearly, they weren't headed for marital bliss and she needed to be put on the first bus out of town!

_"Do you like her?" _Siobhan asked in a voice that could have frozen the warmest soul. That bitch was the queen of all cunts. Her voice cut through the walls and managed to echo in the Cullen's very cozy home.

There was no answer before I heard even more stomping, and then she started really yelling.

My breath caught… _Did he? _ Maybe everyone else was finally right.

_"You do, don't you? __Your silence says it all. __Do you even love me anymore Edward?"_

"Si, you know I do, things are just… difficult_, complicated__."_

My heart sank and I cuddled in close to my blankets.

"_Are __you _in_ love with me?" _she asked pointedly, in a tone that told me she meant business.

There was just silence. Pure silence in a house that didn't hail to privacy one bit. It was a killer.

_"Then if you don't love me then why am I even here?" _she asked him, I could hear the emotion choking her and I almost felt bad for her again. It was a shitty situation to be in, but it was what it had to be.__

"I _never said__ I didn't love you," _Edward argued.

"_You didn't say you did__, you never answered my question__." _I heard things being slammed around. _"__Fine! Then I'm leaving, good luck explaining that one to your precious parents."_

"Go then." Edward shouted. _"Maybe I can have some fucking peace around here and Merry fucking Christmas."_

Then I heard the creaking door and a massive slam once again. The pounding of studded heels went down the hall and then the stairs and I knew she had left. Hopefully for good.

_Good __fucking __riddance._

Somehow I managed to get back to sleep, I wasn't really sure how because I couldn't remember doing it, but the next time I woke up it was just before nine and it was Rose pounding on my door saying something about breakfast.

I scurried out of bed, not caring if I looked like shit or not, just hoping that I made it down there in time before all of Esme's handmade sausages were gone. It wasn't abnormal for the Cullens to have breakfast in their pajamas, so I didn't feel _that_ self-conscious.

The breakfast table was clearly missing two people, me and Cinnatart, but Paul was there, making me raise a brow at Rose.

"I told him to come by for some food," she said with a shrug and a wide smile.

I nodded smiling and watched as they held hands beneath the table. It was adorable. Almost as if they were back in high school. Rose had finally gotten the one that she had always wanted.

"Mornin' Bella," Paul said, his voice still gravelly, like he had woken up not long ago.

"Morning," I murmured back.

I was left to sit in Siobhan's seat, making me feel very uncomfortable. I hoped like hell she had actually packed up and left like she threatened to, but I didn't know if she had for sure. I took a chance and plopped down in the seat. Carlisle, who had already taken his seat just a chair away from me at the head of the table, offered me a smile.

"Good morning, baby girl," he said softly.

I mumbled back a greeting with a smile as I stifled a yawn.

I was really fucking tired from the lack of sleep and I missed my bed.

The stairs creaked and by just their tone I could tell it was only one person coming down. I held my breath as I waited for whomever it was to show themselves.

I sighed in relief when Edward shuffled his way into the dining room and offered everyone a half smile as he sat down next to me.

"Morning," I said softly.

He didn't return it; he just turned and stared at me for a moment, before helping himself to the mounds of delicious food spread out on the table.

He nodded to Paul, before digging into his food.

I noticed how not one of them seemed to question Siobhan's absence.

_Maybe I wasn't the only one who heard them fighting?_

I didn't dwell on it long because the steaming pile of eggs and fresh, fluffy pancakes were calling out to me. I dished myself up and began digging into my food too.

Esme started some polite chatter, but no one really said much.

The meal was almost over and we were all waiting for the best part. Waffles covered in strawberries and whip cream. It was essentially dessert for breakfast and Esme would only bring them out at the very end so everyone wouldn't just fill up on them.

While we were waiting Edward seemed to be having a silent conversation with Carlisle and I was sure it had to be about Siobhan.

At the end Edward finally murmured that she left, so softly that if I wasn't sitting next to him, I wouldn't of heard it.

Carlisle gave one single nod before going back to his food and I silently rejoiced. _Ding dong the bitch was gone!  
_  
"This is delicious," I murmured to Esme, not being able to take the quiet anymore.

"Thank you, dear," Esme said with a bright smile.

She looked like she was absolutely beaming this morning and something told me it wasn't just that she was in the holiday spirit or that her and Carlisle had a little loving fun, I bet any money that she was happy about the sudden absence of Cinnabitch.

Rose and I helped clear the table after we were done. Then it was time for the Cullen annual living room nap, because let's face it, after a meal like that, you need to sleep off some of those calories. It was really when we would all go into the living room and sac out to watch a good clean family holiday movie. You got a few hours to rest and relax before the madness took over.

Rose slumped down on one of the big sofas with Paul sliding in behind her, to hold her. Esme and Carlisle took the love seat and that left the other big sofa and the recliner for Edward and I.

I headed for the sofa with my book in hand. That was also a tradition, I usually read while the movie played out because I wasn't big on napping anymore, but this year with the lack of sleep and all I was really looking forward to some resting time before the party.

Before I could make it over there though, Edward had already plopped down and sprawled out.

I turned back quickly to retreat to the recliner.

"Wait Bella, I'll take the recliner," Edward said softly as he jumped up from the sofa.

It was the first thing he had said to me all morning and the sound of his voice made my heart stutter. I guess if I was being honest with myself, last night had meant a lot more to me than I had let on, but it was finally now, that he was single, that I could let myself feel that.

I shook my head, "No, don't worry about it."

There were so many emotions bubbled up inside of me.

"I'm sure you'd both fit on it," Esme chimed in.

_Really… _I almost rolled my eyes at her, but it really did sound like a good idea to me.

He must've thought so too because when I sighed Edward grabbed my hand and began leading me back to the sofa.

It was after all a large piece of furniture.

He laid down on his side, propping his feet up on the other end. I stared down at him for a moment and admired how tall he really was.

Then, he pulled me to sit. "Here, you lay here and there is plenty of room for the both of us."

I did just as he said, feeling suddenly very uncomfortable in my pajamas. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and we laid there together, snuggling, I guess you would say. It was nice, but a little weird at the same time. I just kept telling myself that she was gone and this was okay.

I didn't know when the time would come that I would be that close to him again, so I snuggled in even further to him and let myself relax.

"So what's the movie this year?" Rose asked softly.

"I thought the Grinch would be a good one," Esme told her and she nodded.

Esme hit play and I watched the movie for a few minutes before Edward's hand began rubbing itself over my arm. I couldn't help the shiver that went flying through my body.

"Is this okay?" he whispered.

I nodded before trying to drag my attention back to the TV. Cindy Lou Who and the rest of Whoville lit up the screen and I was immersed in fun, light, happy family programming making me temporarily forget about the giant shit storm that had taken place this morning.

Soon enough my eyes felt heavy and I was so warm and cozy that I couldn't stave off sleep any longer. So much for the reading I wanted to get done.

While I slept I dreamt the sweetest dream.

"_Mmmm baby, I love you," he whispered before leaning down and kissing me __passionately__. His lips were insistent and tender at the same time._

_Fuck, it felt good to finally have his lips on mine! _

"_I love you too," I said looking up at those gorgeous green eyes. _

One where Edward and I were finally together and he was really and truly mine.

_His lips attached themselves to my neck and I arched into him. My chest pressed right against his hard one. And then I felt his hands sliding up my thighs. I peered down to see that I was wearing __a__ short white cotton skirt and we were lying on __a __blanket under the sun in some green field __with beautiful wild flowers __somewhere. It was beautiful and so easy to relax into his touch. _

"_Are you sure baby?" he whispered throatily. _

_I __stared__ into his eyes and could clearly see the love there. There was no doubt in my mind. None at all. _

_So I nodded my head__,__ and then I felt his hands skim even further up until they were just lightly brushing where I wanted him most. _

_I blushed__;__ I knew I was desperately wet. His __longing __looks and __roaming __hands had soaked my panties. Really it was all his fault. And as I felt his nails graze my inner thigh, I knew they would be drenched. _

But then, just as we were getting to the good part, if you know what I mean, I was being woken up.

"Bella," his sweet, deep voice whispered. It was the same voice as in my dream, but he wasn't saying what I wanted him to. There was no way I was heading back to reality yet.

No! No, no! You aren't sexy half-naked Edward who desperately wanted to spread me open and fuck me into oblivion. Go away!

So I ignored it, trying to find my way back through the layers of sleep to my happy place... to him.

To the Edward that wanted me. To the Edward who wanted to make me his.

"Bella baby, you gotta get up," he whispered again, with his hand soothingly rubbing my arm. Not quite where I wanted him to be rubbing me.

I shook my head and kept my eyes closed. Taking a deep breath I realized I could smell him. _So fucking good..._

I took another deep breath before trying to find my way back to sleep. I was almost there too.

"Come on baby, it's almost four and I've let you sleep more than anyone else has," he said letting his thumb brush the sliver of skin that was exposed from where my shirt rode up while I was sleeping.

The words didn't register with me, though they should have. No, I was concentrating more on the warm feeling that his light caress was bringing me.

I moaned lowly and wiggled further, closer to him. My body buried itself in the warmth that was Edward. I shifted my legs and tried to quell the ache that was forming there.

Imagine my surprise when my face hit soft cotton.

The soft cotton belonged to Edward, his shirt actually. My face was in his chest... while I was sleeping... and dreaming.

_Ugh God... Why?_

My eyes flew open only to find him nice and close. His deep green eyes peered down at me and he smiled softly.

"Good afternoon, sleeping beauty."

"Hi," I whispered hoarsely as I blinked my eyes awake. I looked around quickly to see that I was actually partially on top of him… my head spun as I looked around to see if anyone else was in here. Thankfully we were alone.

I blushed and slowly slipped off of him, not missing his hard on as I slid down to my own space beside him. Oh what a wonderful feeling that was, I wanted to rub myself on it like the needy little slut I was, but I resisted.

He seemed to ignore my awkwardness and I was grateful for that.

"How're you feeling?" he asked brushing a few stray strands of hair out of my face.

I squinted up him for a second, "Good, less tired now."

His eyes closed tightly, "You heard then, I take it?"

"It was hard not to," I told him honestly.

"God, I'm so sorry you had to hear that, Bella."

"Don't worry about it," I said softly. I licked my lips and got my bearings before turning back to face him.

"So she's gone, huh?"

I figured it was a safe question and didn't make me sound like an outright hopeful whore.

"Yeah," he whispered staring at the wall.

"Are you… um… are you okay?"

He chuckled humorlessly before turning back to me and giving me a nod. "Yeah, it's better this way."

I didn't respond, not wanting to say the wrong thing and wreck the moment.

His hand smoothed its way over my back, since I was sitting up, going lower, just above my ass. The whole time his eyes never left mine.

"We should probably get up," he finally said.

I nodded and lifted myself off the couch.

"Come on, we have to get ready for the party," he said nudging me towards the stairs.

"What time is it?"

"Four fifteen now."

_Holy shit! _I rushed up the stairs with him following close behind me. It was party time!


	10. Partying with Christmas Cheer

**Hey girls! Oh what a crazy week with all the FF stuff going on huh?  
**

**Well I'm just happy this puppy is still up for now! :)  
**

**ALSO! I just want to thank everyone who voted for me over at the lemonade stand! Damn! Fic of the week win! :) I'm so humbled!  
**

**I want to send a big thank you and a feel better hug to my awesome Beta Midnight Cougar! She's just great and a wonderful mom to boot!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 10**

**BPOV  
**

The hot water scalded my body as I stood beneath the spray and thought about the afternoon I had just experienced. How Edward had acted and just how everything was so much easier with him. Sure, we hadn't _talked_ yet, but we had said enough, in my opinion, to let each other know there was more to be had between us eventually.

At least I hoped that was what we were working towards.

I soaped my hair and went over what I would say to him tonight if the occasion were to come up.

Something along the lines of… wanting to be together, seemed right. I would just have to tell him directly when it came down to it, and I now felt I was ready for that; I was done playing it safe.

Safe wasn't going to cut it anymore and there was no need for it with _her_ gone.

He also didn't seem all that heartbroken over Ms. Model hitting the bricks. That was unexpected, but I guess it was a good thing. And thanks to their tiff I was able to know that it wasn't out of his undying love that Edward proposed to her. No, it was more like, fuck I'm really drunk and I guess we should get married to make my parents happy.

Oh and the absolute cake topper to it all… SHE BOUGHT HER OWN RING!

I still couldn't believe that shit. It just didn't get any better than that. She probably had a dress and plans made already. Edward didn't want to tell his own family, so he was probably dragging his feet about making any plans.

I giggled under the spray. She was so desperate to not end up alone like the hag she was, she took a half assed proposal and ran with it. Oh if she was here now I would laugh right in her fucking face.

Pathetic didn't even sound strong enough for what she was, but I couldn't find anything that fit better.

I shook my head and shaved my legs for good measure, while I was sure that I wouldn't need them smooth and silky tonight. It was just wishful thinking from my inner whore. She pursed her lips at my negative thoughts, but I told her to fuck off. I wasn't about to go halfcocked into something that could be really amazing.

The holly jolly holiday tunes were blasting when I got done in the bathroom and I smiled to myself as I made my way down the hall back into my room. Oh the childhood memories that came rushing back with just a few lyrics from certain songs. Once there I mussed with my hair a little, putting in a little gel and then leaving it to mainly air dry. All while humming along to the songs as they played through the house.

My hips swung as I dried myself off with the towel. I was in a good mood and there was no need to deny it.

Rose always said she liked my hair down, so that's what she was getting. I wanted to look pretty, something I rarely felt, but tonight was worth the hassle. Tonight I wanted and needed to feel all woman.

I smiled when I saw the pretty green dress laid out for me. Rose really was awesome in every way. I didn't even have to think twice about slipping it on along with the accompanying four inch heels. They were both so beautiful and made me feel the same way. They would definitely help make me feel all woman.

After a spritz of my favorite fragrance and a second check in the mirror, I carefully walked down the stairs, not wanting to fall flat on my ass yet again. But when I reached the last one I did let my hips swing a bit from side to side, not being able to resist the rhythm of the music. The holiday music always put a smile on my face.

The party was in full swing. All of the distant Cullen relatives were present and the tree was full of gifts beneath the pine branches. The sight was magically beautiful. So Christmas-y and so full of love and family. It was Norman Rockwell-esque.

There are small children running wild through every nook and cranny of the house, and then any sitting or even leaning room was currently being occupied by a plethora of adults. Most of which I knew from past meetings and they knew me too. This party was closer to a family get together than anything I had ever had with my own family, but I took that all in stride. At least here I had a family to spend the holidays with.

I reveled in the closeness for a moment with the welcoming smiles I got from the passersby. Just standing there, being _seen_and greeted in to a family party was awesome to me.

Rose and Paul were chatting quietly with Rose's aunt Margaret, and as my eyes scanned the room I saw Carlisle in the corner with his brother Kellan, they seemed to be laughing about something on Kellan's phone. Most of the guys were lounging on the couch playing video games.

I looked for Edward, but I couldn't find him anywhere, though from the amount of people that were around it would be easy for anyone to get lost in the crowd.

"Hey boys," I said as I stepped off the last stair and headed over to the sofa.

Their eyes looked up for a moment before returning to what they were doing.

Jackson and Emmett looked like they were in a heated game of Halo at the moment. Ryan was off to the side giving Jackson tips.

"Hey Bella!" Emmett shouted.

I smiled and waved.

"Bella Baby!" Ryan said, letting his eyes ghost over me. I could feel them as they looked me over and I couldn't keep the blush off my cheeks. He was really good at that, you know? Ryan was famous for getting girls to blush.

"Damn, you never stop getting prettier, do you?" he asked as I walked over to them.

Again with the damn blushing. I thought I was going to need a new radiator. Clearly, mine was broken.

"Come on Ry, get it right, she's always been gorgeous," Dev said, instantly scooting over to make room for me amongst them.

I smiled down at him, he was so sweet.

Jackson winked and smiled real quickly before turning his attention back to the screen.

I shrugged not really knowing how to answer that one. "Your just so handsome, I have to keep up with you," I shot back at Ry.

He chuckled.

"And how are you Mr.?" I asked turning to Devin. I hadn't seen him in almost a week and we'd both been pretty busy.

Dev smiled softly, "I'm good Bella, I'm sure you are too."

I shrugged, I wanted her gone, but I certainly didn't want to be the cause. Technically, I wasn't but still. "Do you even know about it all yet?"

"Well, I must say, whatever happened must've been good because I don't see her traipsing through here like she's holier than thou."

"E must've really screwed up because she was totally fucking into him," Ryan commented.

"Really man? You tried to score with that bitch?" Dev asked, looking appalled.

"Hey, she was hot," Ry said, holding his hands up in defense.

Dev and I just shook our heads.

We scooted a bit further down so we had a little more privacy and I kept my voice low.

"She wanted to make their engagement their Christmas gift to everyone by telling everyone tonight," I said quietly.

His eyebrows almost fell off of his face.

"But wait, it gets better! She bought her own engagement ring," I whispered.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," he breathed out as he took in all the new info.

I shook my head and he cracked up laughing.

"Holy shit, that's just pathetic."

"I know, right? But it's so great," I told him.

He nodded.

"So then she left only after two enormous screaming matches both last night and this morning, and the whole house heard every word of them."

"Awkward… shit E must be embarrassed," he said softly. Dev cared about everyone, even when his friend was a total dick to him.

"Eh, he didn't seem too heartbroken over it, considering the Cullen Christmas Eve nap was spent cuddled up next to me… on the sofa," I said nonchalantly.

"You're shitting me," Dev said, sounding almost as excited as I was.

I shook my head.

"So he cuddled with you, that's sweet." I could tell he was sincere, but didn't particularly like hearing it. Dev was great and would be happy for anyone that was happy themselves.

"Yeah and at the end, I ended up practically on top of him."

Dev raised his eyebrow at that little piece of info.

"Don't worry, it didn't go any further than that, but I was pretty psyched about it."

"Thank God for that. Come on, let's get you a drink," he said pulling me up and leading me toward the kitchen.

Dev lead me through the doorway, dipping down to kiss me lightly on the cheek when we passed under the mistletoe.

"Merry Christmas, Bella," he said sweetly. I smiled and returned the sentiment, reaching up to peck him on the lips.

He was my rock through all of this and deserved much more than a kiss on the cheek. Even though I couldn't give him what he wanted, a kiss on the lips was a small portion of the payback I owed him.

On the way to the kitchen I got stopped by Rose's grandmother, May. "Isabella, don't you look stunning?"

I blushed. "Thank you, Grandma May," I said softly.

She always thought I was beautiful and made no bones about telling me so.

"How have been my dear?" she asked wrapping her warm hand over mine.

"Oh, I've been okay and how about you?" I wondered with a smile.

"At my age, nothing changes. How about a boy, have you got yourself a man yet?"

I smiled and shook my head, "Nope, no takers yet."

She didn't need to know that I was lusting after her grandson so soon after his impromptu break up.

She hemmed and hawed for a moment, and then asked me what kind of man I was looking for.

"Well, someone who's a bit older I guess, since the ones my age seem so immature," I told her honestly.

"You know dear, I heard that Edward's young lady just broke up with him."

I grinned at her, she was something else and never hesitated to speak her mind. "I don't think he likes me like that."

"Don't be so sure, he hasn't taken his eyes off of you since you stepped into the room," she told me and instantly my eyes started scanning the room.

I found him in a corner, by himself, sipping what I assumed was whiskey. I didn't know how I'd missed him before. And when my eyes met his smoldering gaze, my heart started to pound and I felt an intense warmth flood throughout my body.

"Esme tells me that you're very fond of my grandson."

I blushed.

"If you need me to talk to him, you let me know dear, okay?"

"Thank you for the offer, but I'm fine right now," I said softly and gave her hug, before going with Dev to the kitchen.

He fixed me a drink, a little rum and coke, it was the good stuff. I needed something, anything really, to take the nervous edge off. I wanted things to work out so badly with Edward, but I knew it wasn't healthy to be moving along so fast. We needed to find some time to sort out whatever _this_was and see if both of us wanted to pursue it.

"Thank you," I said to Devin with a small smile.

"You looked like you could use it, but don't go overboard," Dev warned softly.

I nodded. It was the first time Dev had ever seemed like anything other than an equal to me and I wondered if it was because of what was happening with Edward.

"Are you mad?" I questioned softly. I mean he had every right to be, I guess. But I thought we had talked about everything and promised that feelings wouldn't get hurt.

He shook his head, "No, I could never be mad at you, Bella. Do I wish you returned my feelings? Yeah, but I can't choose who you love, so no, I could never fault you for that."

"Thank you... You know, for everything."

He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a great big hug.

A young woman that I hadn't seen before began waving to Devin from across the kitchen and he excused himself after a moment. So I went to find Edward and make sure he was okay.

When I found him, he was still in the living room, nursing away at his amber glass.

My eyes met his before I crossed the floor to get to him.

His seemed to burn into me. I felt the need to squirm under his gaze.

"Hey."

"Hi," he said in a clipped tone, his eyes still never leaving mine.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Bella, what do you want?" _Ouch!_

I bristled. _How much had he had to drink?_

"I was just checking to make sure my friend was okay..."

"Yeah, while you were hanging all over your other _friend_?"

I scowled at him, he knew damn well there was nothing going on between Devin and I, and yet he was still a jealous motherfucker. I decided to stop fucking around and call him out on it. There was no way he was going to pin all this shit on me anymore.

"You know green isn't a good color for you," I said finally letting him in on how he had been acting all along.

"Pfft, I'm not jealous!"

"Then what would you call it? Because if it's about my general well-being, you're way off the mark. You know damn well that Dev and I are just friends."

He muttered something about friends.

"What's the matter Edward? You can't deal with the fact that there are guys out there who _want to _pay attention to me?"

He looked away and took a long sip of whiskey. I so wanted to get everything out in the open, but I figured it was too soon. I certainly didn't want to push him away. I was afraid if I started a confrontation that was exactly what I was going to get, and then I would be no better than Cinnabitch.

"You know, Edward, I came over here to cheer you up, and make sure you were alright, because I care about you, not to get yelled at," I said softly, trying again.

"Sorry," he grumbled looking down at the floor.

My hand bravely landed on his free one and stroked the top of it for a moment, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"No, I'm not really, but I will be, it's just going to take some time."

I nodded. _Maybe he was heartbroken and I didn't see it before?_

"It just feels like everything I thought my life was going to be, has changed, it's a lot to process and figure out right now."

I raised my eyebrows and he got that I wanted him to expand on that.

"The new job…Sio leaving…just everything. I had everything worked out, or so I thought and now everything is different."

"Is it bad that it's different?" I wondered, because really, it didn't seem that bad to me.

He shook his head and took another sip.

"I'm sorry, I just wish I could make you happy," I whispered.

"It's not your fault Bella, it never has been. So don't blame yourself at all. I think I'm going to head upstairs, if Mom's looking for me, just tell her it was too much and I had to get away."

"Okay."

"You can come find me later if you get bored," he said before he took off through the living room.

_Did he just invite me upstairs?_

I tried my best not read too much into that, because really, I knew he was hurting.

"Hey Bella, come on over, my Aunt Leanne wants to say hi," Rose said dragging me towards another group of people. I was all for the Cullen's extended family, they were great people, but really all I wanted to do was head up the stairs to the first room on the right.

I ignored my own wants and smiled brightly at the woman in front of me.

"Hi Leanne, how have you been?" I asked with sincerity, knowing that her husband George had passed earlier this year.

"Oh Bella, I'm doing fine, you know some days are harder than others, but it's just good to be here with family."

I nodded and smiled, she always had a good outlook on everything in life. I really wished I could be like that; or at least have a reason to be more like that.

We talked about how life had been different without George and what she had been up to lately.

Rose was there with me keeping the conversation going when she hit a pause.

And when we finally broke away, Rose took me aside to ask me all about the couch incident.

A few hours had passed and the party was still going strong.

We had exchanged gifts in a Yankee swap manner. It was really sweet.

Everyone got a number and all the gifts got a number... well you know how it works. Yeah, so I got sweet gift card to amazon, meaning more books for me. Which was absolutely perfect, and I hugged Dev, knowing it was him who had thrown that in there because of the way his eyes lit up when he saw what number I had pulled.

I stood next to the tree just enjoying the essence of it, while fingering over the card from my gift, kind of stuck in my own head. I was busy thinking about everything that happened since last night. Pretty much it was an all Edward show.

The way his hands felt on my body as we'd lain on the sofa, the way I loved his scent, how my body reacted to him and his closeness, and finally the way his body clearly reacted to me.

A shiver went through my body as I remembered the feeling of his hard cock against the inside of my thigh as I'd slid away from him… fuck me, please, oh the possibilities of that big boy.

Edward was obviously packing.

And it was that stimulating thought which brought me further into the clouded lust haze I was currently in. I was dreaming about his cock covered in that chocolate fondue on the table, and then me licking it all off. Oh what a sweet treat. Then another thought of a bright red bow tied around it for me to open tomorrow morning. I sighed, oh hell yeah, that would be the perfect Christmas present.

My hand slipped to the corner of my mouth to wipe away the rouge drool that I thought had dripped out.

"So do you like it?" Dev asked bringing me out of the mild Edward induced coma I was in.

"Hmm?" I asked wondering what the hell he was talking about.

He looked down at my hands and then I got it.

"Oh yeah, you know how much I love to read," I told him softly with a smile.

"Good, I'm glad," he told me.

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me with all his might kissing my forehead.

"Thank you, even though anyone could've gotten it. I'm really glad it was me."

"You're welcome, I was really hoping you would get it, you know."

I nodded.

"So when do you head back?"

"Oh um, I think we're planning for the day before New Year's Eve."

"Do you wanna hang out before you take off?" he asked looking hopeful.

"Oh yeah, definitely. I miss you and I won't see you until summer."

"Good," he replied with a big toothy smile. "I'll call you after Christmas."

I smiled back at him. It was hard not to, Dev was a true sweetheart.

***C***

I was sitting on the couch wondering when it would be socially acceptable to go upstairs and check on Edward. I figured I had roughly an hour or so before I could easily escape.

Not that I was counting the seconds or anything, but really I did want to see him.

So I joined the boys trying to be a good sport and play along with them in their video games, but my heart wasn't in it.

I was zoning, so much in fact that when someone tapped me on the shoulder I jumped about a foot.

When I turned my head, I saw a smiling Esme.

"How are you doing, sweetheart?" she asked softly.

"I'm good, the party is great," I told her honestly.

"Is that why you're falling asleep on the couch?" she asked with a smile.

I blushed and shook my head, I was about to tell her that I was doing nothing of the sort, but she cut me off.

"Bella, honey, this one is for Edward, I was wondering if you would bring it up to him?" she asked with a wink.

I nodded and glanced down at the neatly wrapped package in her hands. That meant that I could escape, with Esme's blessing. _Thank fucking God…. _

"Make sure he's okay, please?" she asked before letting me get to my feet.

"Will do," I promised her.

Just as I was about to make a mad dash up the stairs I made a pit stop in the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of the Christmas cheer before heading toward them again.

_If __I couldn't cheer __Edward__ up, maybe Mr. Walker could__ bring him a Merry Christmas__._

* * *

**Do you think Bella will be able to cheer up Edward?**_  
_

**Gosh I hope so.  
**

**If anything does happen to my stories rest assured that they are all up at TWCS under the same pen name.  
**

**I haven't gotten Crushing up there yet, but I will try today to get that done!  
**

**And for updates, make sure you're a member of my group Midnightlove87's Fics as I will always be posting them there.  
**

**Oh and don't forget to check my new Fage one shot Ride With Me!  
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**See you Friday for the next teaser! :)**


	11. My Goose is Cooked

**I, um, just wanted to say thank you for reading.  
**

**And Midnight Cougar, or MC, as I lovingly refer to her as is just the best cheerleader a girl could ask for. Not only did she take the time and energy to write a review for Crushing on TLS after the fic of the week win, but she also rec'd it on her blog. On top of all that she never fails at being a ridiculously supportive beta and just a great friend.**

**Now on to the chapter.  
**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 11**

**BPOV  
**

The stairs creaked as I made my way up them. And I questioned each step I made, but I shook my head at all the pathetic excuses. Esme had asked me to check on him, and even if that was all I was going to do, I needed to at least make sure Edward was alright. The smell of fresh ginger cookies hit my nose and I figured Edward had snatched the plate on his way up. They were some of the best cookies Esme made, ranking in right under her infamous chocolate chip ones.

At the top of the stairs I took a deep breath, thinking of everything. The nap, the feelings that had been bubbling up inside of me for some time now, the almost kiss, everything.

I must admit I was confused about a lot of stuff. Everything was so new to me. I could only hope his feelings could run as deep as mine. I knew there was always a chance of rejection and that really made me worry. Edward was my prince. He was supposed to give me my fairytale happily ever after and if he didn't love me I didn't know what I would do. I realized how narrow-minded I'd been considering I'd spent so many years pining for him that I'd never really looked at other men as prospects.

Edward's door was closed and I contemplated knocking, but he did tell me to come find him when I got bored, so instead, I just twisted the handle and pushed the door open.

It creaked against the old hinges and light spilled out into the hallway.

I peered in the room only to find Edward was lazily sprawled out on his messy bed. Black corduroy pants that hung so low on hips, it should have been illegal, and his shirt was half wrinkled up and part of his toned stomach was showing. That very happy looking trail was all there too. _Fuck…_ I wanted to crawl over to him and lick it… downwards.

I shook my head and tried to clear my lusty thoughts. After all, they were only going to get me in trouble.

Tonight wasn't about those. It was about cheering him up and making him see life was ultimately better without Siobhan. I needed him to see that without too much bashing on my part. I wasn't there to make him hate her; I just wanted him to bring his life in focus.

I looked around the room for a quick moment.

A half-eaten plate of cookies was lying next to him.

In the corner, I saw his sheets balled up and off to the side of them was a small pile of clothes and other effects. He didn't want her or any of her stuff near him. I almost smiled at that, but I kept myself in check.

There was no need to get overexcited about anything like that. He had seemed pretty down earlier, so maybe her stuff was there out of anger.

"Hey," he said with a small smile, bringing my attention to his face finally. The light dusting off the stubble over his jaw, the blue circles around his eyes from lack of sleep. They were all things I hadn't noticed before.

Things that told their own story.

"Hi," I said startled, being caught off guard by the state of the room.

His green eyes were focused in on me and I gave him a small smile. They didn't look too bleary, so who knew maybe he wasn't drunk yet.

The lopsided grin he gave me back made heat rush through my body all the way down to my already heated core. I was working on getting drunk on him though. _Yummy…_

His eyes slowly traveled the length of me.

"Mhm, good you brought me more," he murmured seeing the bottle in my hand.

My eyes darted around the room and I noticed the empty one on his nightstand. _Uh oh…_

I wanted to shake my head, but I didn't, I figured he deserved some time with Mr. Walker after all he had been through.

I chuckled lightly, "Yeah, I figured you could use some more."

He patted the bed, moving the plate, wanting me to come and sit with him.

I hesitated and even in his inebriated state he could see it. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that just last night Cinnabitch was in here or it was because he was sprawled out on the bed looking like a spread of delectable pastries and I was the girl just starting Weight Watchers.

My willpower was clearly waning and he was looking tastier and tastier by the second.

"Don't worry, there's nothing up here to mess up your pretty dress except for a few crumbs."

I smiled softly. Edward had _tried_ to put a new set of sheets on the bed, but he'd failed, I just shook my head and walked over to the bed.

I wasn't sure if it was for him, or me, but he'd stripped the bed and I couldn't have been happier.

That meant no lingering smells. No wondering if she had been naked on the same sheets I was sitting on. None of that.

Thank God for that because I didn't think my heart could've taken thinking about those sorts of things.

I handed him the bottle and I sat down, trying to be somewhat ladylike, my shoes stayed on the floor and I sighed in relief to have them off. They didn't hurt _that_ bad, but it was nice I didn't have to wear them any longer. They made my feet swell and my back ache.

I smoothed out the edge of my dress making sure it was covering everything.

Things were still very grey between us and I wasn't about to let him get a look at the goods if there wasn't going to be any future between us.

I wanted him to have everything, but tonight wasn't the night to hammer any of those details out.

Edward rolled on to his side, facing me, lifting himself up on his elbow. Now, he was a hell of a lot closer than before.

His face and _those_ eyes were right there. My hand itched to cup his flushed cheek.

This could be seriously dangerous. We were in a bed together and Edward was well on his way to drunk. If I was smart enough I could've used the situation to my advantage, but again I shook my head at that thought.

I didn't want him as a quick fuck; I hadn't respected my virginity for twenty years to lose it that way. If it was going to happen at all it needed to be out of love or something pretty fucking close to it.

Sure everyone thought he loved me, including his own mother. But until I'd heard it from him or at least seen something which pointed to that conclusion, nothing sexual was happening between us.

I'd made it this far and everything was still intact, so it was certainly worth it to me to wait a little while longer before I let anything like that happen.

I grabbed the bottle back from his other hand.

"I figured if I couldn't cheer you up, this would at least," I said tearing the label and twisting the top off.

The spicy aroma clouded my nostrils and brought back memories of Rose and I sitting in front my father's liquor cabinet sipping and sampling before we melted into a giant giggling heap.

He nodded and tried to grab it back from me, but I held on tight.

"Uh no, my turn first," I told him with a smile.

It wasn't my first time trying whiskey so I prepared myself for the heat I knew was coming.

He shook his head at me, "You're too young to get drunk and you don't have any clue what whiskey's like."

He was so fucking wrong. Everything about that was wrong. _Too young… hah_

I rolled my eyes, "Edward, I'm a college student for one. Not to mention my father has expensive taste in liquor and he was never around when I was growing up."

Rose and I had never exactly got so drunk we were sick, but yeah, we sampled his collection a time or two when we were curious. It was just a part of growing up. Who didn't know the taste of alcohol before they were twenty-one? It wasn't as if I was a lush or anything like that. And it was how I found out that I didn't particularly like whiskey. I mean, for the most part, it did the trick, but the sear on the back of your throat wasn't all that appealing. But I did always love the warmth it created at the pit of my tummy.

He sighed, but didn't say anything so I took the bottle full of caramel liquid and tipped it into my mouth, waiting, almost desperately so, for the familiar burn that always followed.

I swished and then swallowed. Damn.

Then my mouth was on fire. The sweet burn made my nerves ease though and promised a relaxing evening. Like I said, it did the trick.

I took one more hearty swig before handing the bottle over to him.

"God, you didn't even flinch," he said with his glassy eyes wide.

I shrugged. He didn't need to know just how much Rose and I partied at school, but he needed to understand I wasn't fifteen anymore and this wasn't a stolen brewsky out by the pool. No, this was hard liquor and I was more familiar with it than he was comfortable with, obviously.

I watched carefully as Edward's soft lips wrapped around the neck of the bottle, right where mine had been. I finally got why men like to watch women give blow jobs. It was sensual, sexy even. The way his tongue flicked out to catch the first drop. And then his hand tipped the bottle just enough to begin to pour easily into his mouth. He went to swallow and his Adam's apple bobbed. My tongue poked out of my mouth on its own accord and I slowly licked my lips. I so badly wanted to lean down and lick that sucker, but I stopped myself and tried to concentrate on _anything_ else. I knew if I kept my thoughts focused on him and kept drinking, I wouldn't be able to suppress my desire.

I smoothed my dress and tucked my legs together Indian style, before laying the skirt of it over them. I wanted out of the damn thing.

"That color looks good on you," he said sweetly, after he pulled his lips off the bottle.

I looked back at him to see his eyes wandering over me for a second time.

I told myself it was the booze and nothing else. There was no way he could be honestly checking me out right now.

"Thanks," I muttered, "But it's uncomfortable."

I hated the feeling of the dress. It wasn't that it was scratchy or anything, I just wanted to be out of it, even though he liked me in it. I was a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl through and through and there was just no denying that fact.

"I'm gonna go change real quick," I told him, making up my mind, before I slipped off the bed.

He grumbled something and I turned to ask him what.

"Need some clothes?"

I almost laughed. Edward was drunk enough to be forgetting my room with tons of clothes was right next door to his, but I stopped myself. I'd take something of his over something of mine any day. Just the thought of wearing his clothes made a shiver run through my body. I shook it off though and cleared my throat.

"Whatcha got?"

"T-shirts are in the third drawer down on the right side and if you want them, the boxers are up top."

I gulped... _Did he just offer me a pair of his boxers?_

Boxers… as in his underwear. Where his… well you know… lives? Uh…

Oh hell yes.

I wriggled open his t-shirt drawer and took out the top one. It was his Forks HS one actually, making me smile, but he couldn't see that since my back was to him. I held it carefully, brushing my thumbs over the softly worn gray cotton before placing it over my arm.

I remembered all the times when he'd been shooting hoops in the driveway and he'd been wearing it. When the sweat would've been soaking through and Rose would've had to nudge me along because I was creating a river with all my drool.

Yeah, that same shirt.

The one that I dreamed about peeling off of him.

Then, hesitantly I reached for the top one. To Edward, I was finally a big girl. I could drink. To him, I had _dated_ men and I needed to prove to him that a pair of boxers wasn't going to cause my heart to give out, even though they probably would.

I fumbled through a few pairs until I came to a set of green plaid ones. I thought they matched his eyes, so I snagged those. I didn't take the time to brush over the material like I had with the shirt. I just placed them on top of the shirt before turning around.

But my mind did flick to a mental image of Edward only in them. I'd seen him in his bathing suit plenty of times so it was easy to picture him in those. Oh and what a picture it was. The pair I had grabbed were far from new, so I knew he had definitely worn them before.

Weird questions sparked in my mind about whether he had worn them while thinking about me… and if you… things… had woken up in them before.

I quickly coughed at that mental image and headed for the door.

"Thanks, I'll…uh…be right back," I murmured quietly, before slipping out into the hallway.

Once in the bathroom I let myself be a girl and squeal a little over the fact I was putting on Edward's clothes. It was kind of a big moment for me and I was going to enjoy it for a few minutes.

The gray soft cotton of the t-shirt fell over me like a bag because it was so big. And for a moment, I just stared in the mirror. I quickly turned sideways, because on the back was his last name, and wearing that damn t-shirt had more significance than the fact it was Edward's, it meant I was truly a Cullen, well to me at least. Sure, legally, I would always be a Swan, until some man came and swept me off my feet, but while my parents stayed on a beach sipping their drinks in the South of France this year, and I was here, it made me feel like I was really and truly a Cullen.

It was little things like the shirt that helped me get through the rough times.

I knotted the worn material on the side of my hip, hoping to synch it down to my body.

Tears stung at my eyes and I wanted to cry, I really did and I could feel my emotions were starting to get the best of me. This usually happened at least once over the holidays, but it was less and less every year. It wasn't even I missed them so much anymore, because there wasn't much to miss; they had been absentee parents for a long time. We're talking a while here. I sure as hell didn't feel like I knew my parents anymore. Nope, it was more they didn't want me and it showed through everything they _hadn't _done for or with me, especially in the last five years.

They had always put work first. And vacations certainly didn't include me. Before they pawned me off on the Cullens, they left me with Nana Swan. But she passed shortly before I turned eleven.

They seemed to always make me feel like I was an enormous burden when they were home. My dad almost missed out on a huge deal because I had come down with the chicken pox. To this day, I think if he hadn't scored that deal he would've put me up for adoption or at least rubbed it in my face for life.

Art was their lives and I was the mistake that interrupted their jet-set lifestyle. I'd never felt truly wanted or unconditionally loved by them, as any child should, and I guess now as an adult, I was really starting to feel and understand the aftereffects of their neglect. I knew one thing for sure though, when I had children of my own, they would know they were loved and wanted.

I shook my head and wiped my eyes, I had better things to focus on then my absentee parents.

Last piece was his boxers. They were black, green and soft. And it wasn't really the fact his dong had been in them before that got me all hot under the collar. It was more because this was an intimate piece of clothing and you didn't just let anyone wear your underwear. This was a new thing for us, something on a different level. It might have been because he was drunk or it might have been because he was using that as an excuse to do things he wouldn't normally have done.

I didn't really care to think too in depth about it at that moment, so instead I unfolded the soft cotton and slipped them over my naked legs. I grabbed a facecloth and washed off all the make-up. I needed to wipe away the mascara lines that had flowed down my cheeks with the few stray tears.

The hot cloth cleared them all away and I looked more like myself. I twisted my hair into a knot and grabbed up the dress from the floor.

A couple calming breaths and one last look in the mirror, I felt ready to finally face Edward again.

I opened the door and ran right into Rose.

"Hey Bella," she said before pausing to look me over.

I mumbled out a "Hi" before turning my eyes to the floor.

"What are you wearing?" she asked with a smirk, her blue eyes lit up and I could tell exactly what she was thinking.

"Clothes," I murmured softly.

"Yeah and whose clothes, Bella?" she asked again, clearly amused and already knowing the answer.

I blushed and smiled at the same time. While I was embarrassed she was drawing attention to the fact I was wearing his clothes, I was still happy about it.

"Listen, nothing happened, he just offered them to me when I told him I was going to change."

She smiled and nodded, seeming to believe me but I saw the sparkle in her beautiful, mischievous eyes.

"What are you doing up here?" I wondered nonchalantly.

She shrugged, "I was just stashing away some goodies for later," she said gesturing to the brown paper bag in her hands.

She opened it up so I could see. _Mhmmm some vodka and rum! _

"Can I take one of the vodkas, I'm not big on whiskey?"

She hesitated, "Drinking with him is dangerous territory, Bella."

"Like I don't know, but it's all I have left, I can't seem to cheer him up any other way."

She sighed, "Okay," and slipped the bottle of Grey Goose out of the bag.

"Be careful, Bella, I love you, and I don't want to see you get hurt," she warned before taking the dress from me and disappearing into her room.

I scurried down the hall and back into Edward's room before I had a chance to really think about what I was doing. Rose's warning had pretty much gone in one ear and out the other.

My back was to him when I came back in so when he groaned I couldn't tell if it was from sitting up or from seeing me.

But when I faced him, I could see that he was still lying back against the mound of pillows, in the same position I had left him.

"I didn't think you were coming back," he murmured sloshing the bottle around. It didn't look like he had drunk much while I was gone.

"I told you I was," I whispered, getting back up on the bed.

"I'm glad."

His hand reached out for me and I grasped it in my free one. I took a second to look down at his eyes. They were as always one of my very favorite parts of Edward. You could see his mind working away usually, but when I glanced down there tonight, it seemed like a fire was burning in them. Something deep... probably pain and anger from his broken engagement.

"Look what I brought," I said reaching for the bottle I had sat on the floor.

He shook his head lazily and frowned at me.

"Vodka is a killer."

"Yeah, but I like it."

"Well then, let's toast, shall we?" he asked sitting up a little.

I unscrewed the cap on the frosted bottle and watched as vapor rolled out like smoke. It curled out smoothly and right around his face before it began to dissipate.

"To the future," I said, holding the bottle up.

"How fitting, yeah, to the future."

We both took big gulps before dropping the bottles back down. I scrubbed my palms up and down on my thighs trying to warm them up from the frigid bottle.

"I feel like I'm back in high school," he murmured after a few quiet moments.

"Why's that?"

He chuckled, "Hiding in my room, drinking with a sexy girl in my bed."

I tried to keep my reaction as casual as I could, but I felt my cheeks heat up at his words. "You did that a lot back then?" I asked after clearing my throat.

He shook his head, "Nah, you know damn well just how thin those walls are, but I dreamt about it all the time."

I nodded.

"How 'bout you? Did you sneak around when you were in high school?" he asked with his eyes boring into mine.

"Nah, I mean I was home alone a lot so there was no need and when I wasn't there, well I was here, and between you and the other guys there was no way any shit like that was going to happen."

"Damn right!" he muttered before going quiet for a few moments.

"So it wasn't until college then?"

_What the fuck was he talking about?_

His drunken rambling had to stop.

"Until I started partying? Yeah, I mean Rose and I snuck a couple of beers around here before, but mainly everything else happened there," I said taking another sip. I wasn't about to let the Goose go to waste.

He swished the bottle of whiskey in his hand and then took another long pull off of it. "So you waited all the way until college before you started dating?"

_Well technically... _I never really went out on too many dates though...

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," I said looking away.

He just shook his head. "I don't know how you did it. When Tanya Winters walked by in a miniskirt when I was sixteen, I knew there was no hope on me holding out until I was older. I just hope yours wasn't at some frat party. That would be a shame."

_Oh wait... I think he's talking about _dating...

He thinks I might've lost my virginity at a frat party.

I blushed and shook my head.

"Where was it then?"

I blushed again.

"Come on Bella, you were all for talking about this at the bowling alley."

"Uh..."

"It can't be that bad," he urged.

I hesitated and took a deep breath.

"It wasn't…anyone I know…was it?" he asked after taking a long gulp. His brilliant eyes were burning their way into me.

"Edward, I've never had sex," I confessed quietly.

He didn't say anything for a few minutes, making me peer down at him. I found him staring at the apparently very interesting Johnnie Walker label.

We stayed quiet while we both sipped randomly from our bottles.

I wondered if he was pissed about me lying to him or not.

A half hour had passed and I couldn't take the silence anymore.

"So she's gone for good?"

"Yes."

"Have you talked to her?"

"Just a couple of text messages."

"That sucks," I said half-heartedly.

He chuckled, shaking his head and I wondered for a moment if he knew more than he was letting on.

"She's gone, it's probably for the best. You can't tell me you really miss her anyway."

I shrugged, still not wanting to tell him that I hated the bitch.

"Don't worry, it doesn't really bother me that my whole family hated her," he said with a smile.

"I don't think it's that everyone hated her," I said, trying to cheer him up some.

"No they did, it's okay though, because at least I finally wasn't alone."

I gave him a half smile and decided to make myself comfortable. I laid my head back against the pillow and stretched my legs out in front of me.

_So he _hated_ her? Jeezz… __I doubted it, he was just __drunk, __upset and lashing out. _

I took a long drink of my vodka wanting to burn Ms. Model right out of my brain.

It was starting to work. My buzz was getting really good and I was teetering right on the line of drunk.

I couldn't stop myself from curling into his side. He was so delicious looking and I just wanted to be close to him.

My body pressed up against his side and he wound his free arm around me.

I watched as Edward matched me sip for sip and his green eyes got glossier and glossier. We didn't say much, no, we just enjoyed the spirits in our hands.

"Di'ya mean what you said?" he asked out of nowhere.

_What the fuck was he talking about?_

"What part?" I sputtered.

"The part where you told me you were a..." he trailed, apparently allergic to the word.

"A virgin?" I asked with a giggle. Oh the Goose was already getting me into trouble.

"Yeah," he breathed and I could smell the alcohol wafting off of him. Not only that, but also the distinct smell of Edward which was all him and one I had come to know and love over the past couple of weeks. I'd known it before, but lately it was stronger.

I nodded slowly, not really knowing what to say.

"'Kay," he replied, sitting up against the headboard. His arm didn't move from around me, but the minutes continued to pass silently between us making everything so awkward and uncomfortable.

"Why?" I finally asked letting my curiosity get the best of me. They always said curiosity killed the cat, but I swear the cat was probably sipping on some of my Goose because it did bad, bad things.

"I wanted an easy way out," he whispered turning his face away from me.

_What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, she'll be there in New York when I get back, begging me to take her back. And I just thought if I could tell her I slept with someone while she was gone it would put the final nail in the coffin."

"Why don't you just tell her you don't want her and it's over?" I asked, swaying back into his side.

He shook his head, "She'd never take it, she'd beg and weasel her way back into my life. She's always been manipulative."

Call it what it was, desperation. But I wanted nothing more than to say he could take whatever he wanted from me. Though I might have wanted to do that, I still had some self-pride, thank God. And I wasn't giving up everything for one sloppy night with him. No matter how many years I had dreamt of it.

"Lie to her, tell her it was me. I don't mind," I told him.

And hey maybe down the road after we'd been dating a while we could make it the truth.

"Naw, she'll know if I'm lying and connive me into staying with her," he says looking defeated.

Sure it could be all an act, but I saw just how good little miss Siobhan's acting skills were. She was going to win an Oscar one day. She had fooled all of us, including Edward.

"Well maybe we could..." I began but he interrupted me.

"No! Not like that, never. I- You're just better, yeah, no."

My face heated in embarrassment. I'd never been flat out rejected before and I wasn't even suggesting sex.

"Maybe we could do something that wasn't sex but was still considered cheating?" I asked unable to look at him.

"Hmm? And what would that be, little miss virgin?" he asked with a crooked grin.

I silently congratulated myself on the idea of getting him drunk. It was just what he needed. My mind glazed over at the sight of his grin and I had to try really hard to remember what the hell I was talking about.

I mumbled something about 'other things' and he grinned wide.

"Little girl, life has taught me one thing. If you can't say what you want out loud, you sure as hell aren't ready for it," he told me seriously.

I could feel it as my face fell in disappointment.

"Maybe if you're a tad clearer about what you want, you'll get it."

I took a deep breath and swallowed hard before turning to him and looking straight at those beautiful green eyes. "I was thinking I could... um, I could go down on you and then you could tell Siobhan about it," I said praying my voice sounded more confident than I felt.

His face was blank as he sat there and just blinked at me.

_I think I may have __stunned__ him__ speechless__…_

* * *

__**I know what you're all gonna say... it's another cliffy... but hey at least we're finally getting somewhere you know?  
**

**Who thinks Edward is gonna take her up on that offer?  
**

**And who thinks Bella is gonna snap out of her little Goose induced mind set?  
**

**See you Friday for the next teaser! :) Leave me some love in the meantime, please?  
**


	12. Panties & Passing Out

**It's a short one I know, but it's needed.  
**

**A big thank you to MC! She's the shit!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 12**

**BPOV  
**

"Bella, Jesus, fuck no," he shook his head, "I was thinking something more like making out," he whispered, turning so he was leaning down over me. "I would love to kiss you."

My eyes went wide… _Did he just… well sort of agree__ and say he'd love to kiss me__?_

Holy Shit!

My head started to spin, the Goose was betraying me and I so didn't want to end up sick all over Edward. I had definitely drunk my quota for the night.

A quick breath in and a gulp of saliva settled everything for the moment.

I licked my lips and stared up at him for second trying to focus my blurry vision, praying my head didn't start to fucking spin again. Those intense green eyes were staring right back at me.

"Yes, Edward," I breathed out, not being able to find the right words.

His face descended on mine, my eyes closed and I could feel the heat of his breath against my cheek. I knew he was getting closer and it would only be a moment before his lips were finally on mine.

This was everything I had been dreaming about for so long. I tried to prepare myself for the wave of emotion I knew I would feel, but I knew there was nothing I could ever do to totally be ready for Edward and how this would affect me forever.

It might have sounded foolish or even a bit naïve, but things like this didn't happen to me. Edward was the guy I'd had a crush on for the past five years now. And he was about to kiss me.

To me, that was a huge deal and would change my life monumentally.

"Is that what you want, Bella?" he asked huskily, just centimeters from my face.

_You really have to ask?_Shit, this was actually going to happen.

But still my breath caught in my throat at his question. I let my eyes blink open to find my favorite shade of green staring back at me. So close now…

"Y-Yes," I told him, leaving off the more than anything part. He didn't need to know that... yet. He didn't need to know I'd fantasized about a moment just like this many times.

_God, I was such a mother fucking girl sometimes... _

Then, before I could close my eyes again, his lips were on mine. My lips tingled like they were going to catch on fire and my skin prickled. It wasn't my first kiss, but hell it was the one I had been waiting years for, so it was pretty fucking amazing.

His lips were all soft and smooth. At first they were just tender, sweet closed mouth kisses, but they were still making me squirm.

_Sad, I know, but he was really good at it. _

I slid down on the bed so I was flat on my back and Edward was hovering right above me. It was a very good place to be. And somehow with all of Edward's experience he didn't even have to break the kiss to readjust himself over me.

My hands landed themselves on his back and they decided to explore, walking down the length of it, right to the hem of his shirt and the sliver of skin that was exposed. I couldn't stop them, they just wanted to _feel_ and that was exactly what they did. My fingertips smoothed over his warm skin and they itched to rip his t-shirt off so they would have more space to roam.

More space was needed. I wanted to feel all of his skin under my fingertips.

His hips poked out on the sides and I could feel the slight hump where his bum began. I wanted to reach down and squeeze it, so I did. My hands were met with handfuls of denim-covered flesh. I instantly wondered just how much better it would feel if he didn't have his jeans on, but quickly I lost all coherent thought. My squeezing must've told Edward that I wanted more, because his mouth was suddenly more insistent. His tongue poked out and lapped at my lips and his sweet breath washed over my face until I opened up for him. My lips parted and gave his tongue entrance, the best decision I had made in a long time.

I let myself be in the moment as his hand came up and cupped my face. The feel of his fingertips gliding across my cheek, heated my face even further.

His breath tasted spicy from the whiskey and sweet from the cookies, and then once the over powering tastes of ginger and liquor had worn some, I could taste something that was different. Something that was uniquely Edward. It was the scent I had smelled for the past few years, but now, I finally tasted it and it was amazing. It was a rush. My own personal brand of heroin.

His tongue was far more superior to mine. It knew just how to swirl and his lips were so focused on my bottom one that I was utterly lost about what to do other than just try to keep up. It was easy to melt into a puddle with him doing all that insistently.

And a puddle was a serious understatement to the current situation happening in my panties.

The sheer pleasure that a single kiss had caused was nearly laughable, but it was true. Edward had ruined my panties and he wasn't even doing that much yet. My pussy fucking throbbed for his touch and I desperately needed him to do something more than kiss me.

I moaned as he lightly bit my bottom lip and tenderly kissed the corner of my mouth then drug his lips up to my ear. "Bella," he breathed, "my sweet, sweet, Bella."

_Ugh..._ _So fucking good… _

I couldn't stop my hands from clutching at the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Edward," I mewled as I arched up into him. The liquor was making me feel so light and it didn't matter to me that I was like a cat in heat as I rubbed my body against him, I just needed to have some friction.

The Goose promised me it was totally okay to do.

So I went with it.

In my head, I pictured a giant white goose… even though he should've been grey. And he was dictating all I could do with my body, like he owned it. He was squawking at me, but somehow I understood his goose language.

I was stuck in my head, thinking about the fucking goose until I giggled and he fucking growled.

"Bella... Fuck..."

My breath came out in pants as he pulled his lips off mine, they weren't gone, '_no' I screamed in my head, _but they were just off to torture a new part of my body.

_This wasn't just making out... But I wasn't opening my mouth... _

The Goose bobbed his long neck in approval.

My mind swirled and I almost forgot what I was doing, but then I felt his lips graze my jaw and smile against my throat.

His lips locked themselves on to my neck and his tongue swirled against my skin, making my back arch and my body press right into him. Right into his whole body. My chest to his chest as he shifted then lowered himself to lay directly on top of me... to be even closer if that was even possible. My hips went up to meet him and my left one ran right into something hard and long.

_Motherfuck..._

"Oh, God..." he moaned softly, not fully pulling off of my neck.

The Goose's head perked up and he told me to do something about it.

It felt so damn good.

"Mhmmm…"

"You like that Bella?" His gravelly voice made my insides twinge.

I nodded, needing more... so much more.

The Goose squawked about going out and getting more.

His hand landed itself on my hip and worked its way up the side of my chest, until just his thumb brushed the side of my breast.

I felt like I was floating. Something I had been dreaming about for years was finally coming true and it was far better than anything I had ever conjured up in my mind. His touch, it was hot like the flames of a fire, even through my shirt.

His thumb moved softly, tentatively until it was brushing right over my nipple, making it tighten for him.

My fucking head started spinning again and I felt my stomach flip again. I took a deep breath in through my nose, slowly this time, making sure it filled my belly and my head.

Our legs tangled together and his hands slid over my tummy, sliding my shirt up as they went. It stopped when the knot I had tied in it got in the way. But his hands didn't.

"Do you know what it's like to see you in my clothes..." he growled before fully palming me.

I moaned, lowly. His hands weren't sloppy, like I had expected, no, they knew what they were doing, telling me he wasn't _that _drunk. No, this was all Edward. And with that thought, my heart soared.

"No, tell me," I breathed, hoping he would tell me what he was feeling.

I had an idea, but I wanted him to say it, I needed him to. I needed to know for certain this wasn't just the whiskey talking. I thought back to earlier in the day when we were snuggled close on the couch. There was no alcohol involved there; that had been a totally cohesive Edward. Maybe it wasn't just all in my head. Maybe there was hope after all.

"Bella, you're so fucking sexy... But seeing _you_ in my clothes... _fuck_... it does things to me."

_Me__?__... _

Little old me did _things_ to him… holy shit. That had to be the best news all break. The Goose strutted over to me and looked me dead in the eye before squawking out orders to get my man. This time he had a whistle and when he blew it my head began to pound.

I looked back up at Edward and winked. I smiled up at him and pulled on the hem of his shirt. I wanted access to all that skin, I wanted to feel him, and I was sick and tired of that cotton barrier. He didn't hesitate one bit when I went to yank it up over his head.

"Is that what you wanted? Me naked... all for you?" he asked with a cocky grin and I couldn't help but bite my lip and nod. I was giving into my desires and not giving a fuck about what would happen the next day.

His fingers deftly untied the knot I had in his shirt and then inched up the now loose hem. But he stopped, letting his eyes gaze into mine. I might have been a virgin, but I knew what he wanted. He wanted my permission.

The Goose stared me down and told me not to hesitate. This was my moment and I needed to give him my answer.

I didn't waste any time nodding and giving him permission. He wanted the shirt off and I wasn't about to stop him. His hands pulled the shirt off and he smiled down at me after it had been tossed to the floor. Edward was really something. Any other man I knew would be gaping down at my chest because it was newly exposed to him, but not him. No, Edward was gazing down into my eyes with something that looked an awful lot like love, I knew it wasn't that, but it felt like it.

The Goose honked at me about being a sissy and using the word love. I sucked in a breath and realized he was right. This was so not the time or the place.

But that look alone, that Edward gave me, was enough to make the little hairs all over my body stand on end.

More clothes began to disappear after that. Slowly, I peeled his jeans away until he was just in his boxers. And he pulled his boxers off of me. I was laid out in just my underwear for him.

That was when things began to get foggy.

The Goose was squawking off and coming at me with his beak armed, but I couldn't run or wake up. My legs were getting heavy and so were my eyelids.

The Goose was really starting to kick in, literally.

His lips kissed their way down the length of my neck and over the tops of my breasts. He whispered soft words I couldn't quite make out while he was making the circuit. My fucking body wanted it all… but I just couldn't concentrate on any of it.

My heart even began to pound at his soft touches.

His finger tips slid up the sides of my now naked torso making me want to squirm, but I just couldn't find the energy to move. My body felt heavy. Numbness began spreading all over. My eyes were fighting a losing battle.

The Goose even bit me on the ass, but nothing was changing the slowly sinking feeling.

He fingered the edge of my panties, making my heart stutter. I wanted to tell him yes and give him the go ahead.

But my throat was seized shut and my lips were glued together.

His eyes found their way to mine and I stared down at him, using all my energy to keep my them open.

"Bella, baby, are you okay?"

The Goose shook his head in disapproval, quaking something about how I had failed. I wanted to flip him off and shout about how nothing was a failure if it was done with Edward, but I just couldn't do it.

I blinked and saw that those green eyes gazing up at me. His stubbled chin resting on my belly. Then I remembered he had asked me a question.

I searched through the memory banks looking for what it was about, then I found it, somehow it had gotten filed next to shit I didn't give a fuck about.

I tried to tell Edward yes, but it just came out as garble. I even attempted to sit up, in hopes of showing him that I was in fact okay. But all of those were failed attempts. My body wasn't having it, that was right before all the lights went out and the room went black.

* * *

**Hmmm... I wonder if Edward kept going or if stopped when she blacked out.**

**Also, do you think she'll freak out when she wakes up? Will he be there?**

**I love you guys' theories so please keep them coming.  
**

**See you in the group for a teaser on Friday!  
**

**A quick reminder to all my lovely readers, I did write an entry for the driven to desire contest. Voting is open until 6/22. If you haven't read then entries yet, then haul your ass over there and start reading! And don't forget to vote! haha! :)  
**


	13. No Ball Breaking, Yet

**So you're all going to probably hate Rose at the end of it, but just remember, she did warn her to begin with.  
**

**A big thanks to MC for all the help as always!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 13**

**RPOV**

"Come on baby, it's Christmas morning, get your ass out of bed," my dear mother said. I of course rolled over and tried to succumb to sleep for a little longer.

_What was the point of trying to sleep in if this was the treatment I was going to wake up to?_

There was just no way I was peeling myself out of bed just yet. I needed a little longer. My bed was so soft and comfortable…

I had stayed up way too late last night with Paul and now I couldn't pry my eyes open. Bella had bailed on me, so I stayed with him.

My lids drifted closed and it seemed like an hour had passed before she was back, this time shaking me.

_Fuck my life!_

"Rosalie, get up!"

_My mother was going to burn in hell for this shit one day... _

"Okay, fine, I'm up," I said grumpily, sitting up in bed.

"Baby, it's almost nine, it's not unreasonable. Besides… there might be someone downstairs for you," she told me with a big smile.

I had to hand it to her, she fucking rocked. Mom was always coming up with ways to surprise us.

"Really?"

She grinned and nodded before disappearing out of the room again. I took my time, stretching and yawning. It was Christmas morning like any other year and I wanted to savor it.

I slowly got out of bed and picked through some pajama pants that looked acceptable to go downstairs in. Paul wasn't picky, but I still wanted to look nice for him. Things were finally really good between us. It was a long time coming but totally worth the wait. I sighed happily as memories from the past month came rushing back and a smile pulled at my lips.

Just then I heard Mom gasp out in the hallway.

"Rose honey, I can't find Bella, she's not in her room."

I shook my head trying to come to; because I honestly thought she just said that Bella wasn't in her room and that just couldn't be true. She didn't have a car or any way to leave, so where could she be if she wasn't in her room. I finally decided I must've misheard her. There was just no way that Bella could be gone…

"What?" I asked nervously.

"I said, I can't find Bella, do you know where she might be?"

Shaking the sleep out of my head, I quickly scurried out of bed and pulled on a pair of the first pants I found and a sweatshirt before heading down to the next door and peering in the room.

Nope, Mom was right. She wasn't in there. Her bed hadn't been touched, everything was still perfectly in its place.

My mind raced for a minute. It was so unlike her to act like this and not tell me she was going anywhere.

_What the fuck? Where could she be?_

I thought about it for a minute. Then it hit me, oh my fucking God.I sighed heavily and shook my head as I remembered our conversation in the hallway from the night before. She had taken that vodka. The fucking Goose… I knew where she was, but I just hoped she didn't do what I was thinking she did… with Edward.

"Mom, why don't you go wake up Edward and I'll get my phone and try calling her," I told her before heading back into my room.

It knew it might have been a bit of a mean thing to do, but if Bella wanted to start acting like that, she needed to know the consequences. Mom was going to find out and she was going to have to answer to her.

Edward's squeaky door opened and I heard her call out for him to wake up. Then there was a gasp and a yelp that didn't belong to my mom.

"Oh dear, oh Edward… and Bella!" I heard Mom exclaim from the hallway.

She looked really upset, and I couldn't help but feel bad because I was the one who sent her in there.

"What's the matter?" I asked innocently, already knowing what she found.

I found Mom shaking her head, "I wanted this to happen, just not like this, not now."

"She's in there?" I asked shifting my eyes.

She nodded and I rubbed her back, trying to tell her it would be all right, even though I wasn't totally sold on it myself. I never wanted Bella to be my brother's rebound and I tried like hell to warn her of that last night, but it looked like she didn't listen to me.

I couldn't help but shake my head too. Bella was a grown woman and could do what she wanted to; don't get me wrong, I just didn't want her to get hurt if she found out that all she was, was a rebound for him. Shit, I hoped that wasn't the case. That would take a hell of a lot of ice cream and the good stores weren't open on Christmas Day.

"What am I going to do?" she asked, looking lost.

This was my mother, the poor woman probably wanted this as much as Bella, if not more. But even she wasn't dumb enough to think one night together the day after he and his _fiancée_ broke up was going to make him see the light.

I searched my mind for an answer that would make her feel better, but nothing was coming to me. Finally, I decided I would just round them up and let her and Dad have at them. That should be good enough.

"I'll get them downstairs and try to talk to them both before I leave tomorrow, but I need you to as well," I told her, patting her back.

She nodded, "Okay, honey, thanks," and headed down the stairs with a loud sigh.

It was about to be the most awkward Christmas ever thanks to Edward and Bella.

I rapped on the doorframe, nice and hard, before covering my eyes and barging in. I didn't give a fuck if either of them had a hangover, they knew it was Christmas Day and they needed to get the fuck up.

"Isabella Marie and Edward Anthony, you have ten minutes to get your asses downstairs. FYI, Mom knows. She saw you both together, in bed," I said before slamming the door shut.

I heard some groaning and rustling, so I knew at least one of them was peeling themselves from the bed.

I figured the warning was enough to get them both up. They knew they were going to have some serious explaining to do. Well, if they remembered what happened. God, I hoped so for both their sakes.

I heard Bella's voice in there so I figured she must not have been the only one up.

She was the first one to come out, looking more than a little worse for wear. Her hair looked like shit; all snarled up on the side of her head, as she shuffled her feet down the hall to the bathroom. I let her have a few minutes in there. I wanted to be ready when she came out. I wanted to make sure I didn't say anything I would regret, but just enough to get my point across.

The bathroom door opened and she looked a bit more put together.

"Morning," she whispered rubbing her head.

"Yeah morning," I said sarcastically.

She gaped at me looking taken aback, but I didn't feel bad. I had warned her, because I loved her and she didn't take it seriously. That pissed me off majorly. To the point that I didn't even care that Paul was down there waiting for me.

"What's the matter?" she hissed, I could see her brown eyes were blood shot and her hair was still a fucking mess.

She had probably drunk that whole damn bottle. It sure as hell looked that way. I shook my head again, trying to gather the right words.

"The matter is just how stupid do you think you are, because to me you seem pretty goddamn dumb right now."

_Well there goes not regretting anything._

"Why?"

"Because you were dumb enough to sleep with him the day after he broke up with his fiancée Bella! What were you thinking?" I couldn't help but ask her, I had no idea what could've been her reasoning for cashing in her v-card to my idiot brother.

She just shook her head. Her eyes welled up and I could see the tears cutting out from the corners.

That was exactly what I was talking about. Heartache and hurt. It was all she was going to feel for the next month, because she finally got close to what she wanted before it was ripped away from her. I knew my brother, this was not gonna be a simple situation.

I did the only thing a best friend could do. I pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back, because while I wanted to tell her 'I told you so' and scream it in her face, I knew I couldn't. Not now, not after what just happened.

She'd just given her innocence away and was about to get her heart broke.

It didn't matter that I had warned her or that I was still mad, I just wanted to hold her and give her the comfort she needed.

"You don't think he wants me?" she whispered the question as if it was a plea.

Bella could read me so well.

I shook my head. "I don't really know that he doesn't Bella, I just know it's way too soon to be starting something with him. It's not healthy, honey. What happened to a couple of drinks and then you were going to bed?"

"I don't even know..." she whimpered softly.

I believed her, because I knew that vodka was one of her serious weaknesses and it made her do things. Which is why I didn't want her to take the bottle.

"Bella, you need to be a big girl here. Suck it up, and after presents, you and Edward need to find some time alone to talk about things. Like really talk."

She nodded.

"Paul and I are leaving tomorrow for a few days, are you going to be alright? If not, I can tell him I can't go. I'll stay here with you."

She waved me off with wide eyes. "I'll be fine either way, I made my bed, now I'm going to lay in it."

I nodded and held her a bit a longer, until Edward came out.

"What's the matter?" he asked in a gravelly voice.

Bella brushed him off telling him it was nothing, but I gave him a look that said otherwise and he seemed to take it to heart.

He walked over and wrapped his arms around her. Then dipped and kissed her head, before offering me a half smile. It was incredibly sweet and definitely made me happy. I took the whole scene in at face value and hoped for the best. No one could guarantee love, but I wished for Bella's sake that last night was more than just a one night stand.

I stood back and gave him a little smile in return. He was being a good guy and not making my best friend cry her eyes out, so I guessed the ball breaking could wait a little longer. I'd let my brother have a Merry Christmas as long as he made sure Bella's was too.

Now it was finally time to go see my man. I gathered Paul's Christmas gift from my room, so excited to see him. We might not have been together long, but I still got him something. He meant an awful lot to me and I could never go without getting him something for our first Christmas together.

I snaked past Edward and Bella as they still stood together quietly in the hall and headed down the stairs.

Right into his tanned muscled arms. My Christmas present had come early.

* * *

**Okay let me have it. What do you all think so far? **

**With Edward?  
**

**With Bella?  
**

**Maybe even your thoughts on Rose?  
**

**Remember you can always find me at Midnightlove87's Fics on FB.  
**

**Tomorrow MC & I are posting a special teaser for a story that should begin next week sometime. Stop by and check it out! :D  
**


	14. Foggy Memories

**Surprise! Haha! Mc and I have had this planned all along... but man the reviews really pushed us to go through with it. **

**As always, a huge, never faltering hug, love and thanks to MC because without her, this wouldn't be up here. **

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 14**

**BPOV**

I shook my head, trying to clear it for the thousandth time as I watched Rose walk toward the steps. There was a fog surrounding me that I just couldn't seem to move. It was thick and my head was starting to pound. There was too much to think about… too much vodka, too much Edward… too much everything.

I looked up into Edward's face as we stood in the hallway; he looked disheveled and had a serious but confused look in his eyes. "Um, so, ah… how are you?" I asked quietly trying to dispel the awkwardness of the moment.

His arms were still wrapped around me, they were warm and making me feel safe. I wanted him to keep holding me for the rest of the day, so we didn't have to face the family, but I guess we weren't that lucky. No we had to go down there or they would come up after us.

He chuckled and cleared his throat, "Well, definitely like I drank too much and I'm guessing by your blood shot eyes, you are feeling about the same way?"

I looked down at the floor knowing it was time to get down to business, "Yeah, I am. Um… Listen Edward…"

"Bella, not now, okay?" he said as he gently touched my cheek. "We definitely need to talk about what happened last night but right now is not the time to start that conversation. We both drank too much and acted out of character, and we both need a little time to think and clear our heads," he took a deep breath, "and I really just want to enjoy Christmas Day with my sister, my parents and you right now," he said placing another soft kiss on my forehead.

I felt tears sting my eyes, he was dismissing me? Was that it? I couldn't look at him; I was so confused and overwhelmed, so I muttered, "okay", and quickly turned on my heels and headed down the steps. He was right, I did need to clear my head and think.

As I entered the kitchen Esme was just pouring coffee and it smelled so good. I took a seat at the breakfast bar with a deep sigh coming off my lips.

"Here baby, I think you'll need this," Esme said handing me a steaming cup of coffee. Her smile was still sweet as ever.

_Thank fucking God!_

I smiled back at her, but I didn't let my eyes meet hers out of embarrassment. It wasn't that I really regretted what happened between Edward and I, it was just that _she_was the one who found us, basically naked in a heap in his bed.

_Probably not the best way to have your pseudo mom find you._

…_Yeah… Probably not. _

Not to mention the fact that she probably also saw the empty bottles all around the bed too. Edward and I drank our way through a few of them last night and where the empties ended up, I had no idea.

"Thank you," I whispered softly, before taking a sip and letting the scorching fluid coat my throat.

I was hoping that maybe the burn of the coffee would make the memory far less embarrassing, but no such luck.

It was still front and center. There was sweet little Esme coming in to wake up Edward, and boy did she get one hell of a surprise. And Rose, I knew she knew where I was, and that she was pissed, I couldn't blame her though, these were my actions, and I knew she loved me despite everything and just wanted what was best for me. She was motherly that way. Maybe I should be mad at how harsh she was with me, but Rose was a tough love kind of gal and she didn't bullshit when something didn't sit well with her. I hoped we'd have time to talk later on; I had so much I wanted to say to her.

I sat at the island thinking about last night… what I could remember at least. Some things were fuzzy while others stood out clearly. I shivered when I thought about all the questions swirling in my head. The cloud was still there, but certain memories were beginning to surface.

_Like when Edward told me he'd love to kiss me… _

I bit my lip automatically and smiled in response to that thought.

That memory was going in the vault, even if it was a one night stand, I couldn't let go of it. If it was even a one night stand…

Esme didn't say anything as she flitted around the kitchen, making me feel even more awkward, if that was at all possible.

I watched as she pulled out pan after pan from the cabinets. I knew she was getting ready to put together Christmas morning brunch, but I just couldn't find it in me to jump in there and help. Things were too weird and my head was killing me.

See, in the Cullen household food was very important, it brought the family together, and came before anything else, even Christmas presents. So that meant breakfast was first. But as we got older breakfast got later and later, until it then became brunch, 'cause we couldn't get our lazy asses out of bed.

I loved this family, even though I just made an ass out of myself and was as embarrassed as fuck. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell had I done? I sighed and laid my forehead on the countertop. The coolness from the stone eased my headache some, but the embarrassment was still radiating in my cheeks.

Edward was out in the living room with Rose, Paul and Carlisle, probably getting the third degree from Daddy C by now. I was sure Esme had relayed the state she found Edward and I in to him. No doubt, he was ashamed of us and letting in to Edward about it.

Again, my cheeks flushed, making me feel even worse as I wiped away the few stray tears I felt burning in my eyes. I was trying to keep my emotions in check for now, until I could talk to Edward, but wasn't sure I was doing a very good job of it. Everything was a mess and I was dying to talk with someone… anyone about it.

I still wasn't even entirely sure what happened, so I was going to have to add Carlisle and Esme to my list of shit to talk to Edward about later on. We had so much to talk about, it was going to be a long day.

I silently cursed Grey Goose and Johnnie Walker, but in my heart I knew it wasn't their fault. No, it was me. I could've chosen not to drink and I really should've considering the emotional state that Edward was in, but something in me just couldn't find the willpower to resist it.

The dreams I'd had over the years… of being in his bed… in his arms. All of it was too sweet to turn away from.

Sex or not, last night was definitely a turning point for us. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time, and I was surprised at how semi-calm I was right now. I should be freaking out more, but I guess I knew he felt something for me, and was trying to take some comfort in that fact.

All I knew was that as of this morning I still had my underwear on, which from my standpoint as a virgin was a very good thing. I liked Edward a hell of a lot and someone looking in might even say that I loved him, but I wasn't ready to give him my virtue just yet. Especially, not drunk and since I couldn't remember it. And, to be honest, I didn't think he would take it like that either.

Sure, I always dreamt it would be him... And even standing here in the kitchen, flashes from the previous night came back to me. Parts where I grabbed at his naked back and squeezed his ass. And then just how fucking good his lips felt all over me...

Or even this morning, as horrible as it was to wake up that way, I will still never forget the way his relaxed hand felt resting on my hip. Or the way his warm breath felt ghosting over my neck, where his head was buried.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

_Was__ it getting hot in here?_

I waved my hand in front of my face, trying to dissipate the blush. There was no need for Esme to see that too, most likely she would know just exactly what I was thinking about.

Every memory seemed to have a foggy edge around it and I wasn't sure what actually happened and what was a figment of my imagination. That was completely unsettling and even made the coffee I was sipping feel sour in my stomach.

Not to mention the fact that Esme was looking at me like she wanted to say something, but was really holding back. That wasn't her style. So I bit the bullet, so we could maybe talk because I loved her and she deserved my respect.

"Listen, Esme, I'm really sorry about this morning," I finally said, after clearing my throat.

She was grabbing ingredients from the fridge so her back was to me, making it a little easier to muster up an apology. I sounded like a coward and I guess I was… it was hard with so much embarrassment looming around you.

"Don't worry about it dear," she said not even turning to look at me.

No, she stayed with her head in the fridge, just like I had done to Siobhan.

Not cool and also so not like Esme.

I was not Siobhan material and I didn't deserve to be treated like her.

"Come on Ma," I said softly.

Sometimes I called her Ma, not Mom, but Ma, because she was definitely more of a mother than mine own ever was to me. It was mainly because that's what Rose and Edward always called her and after a while it felt weird making a distinction.

"Bella, honey, I love you," she said softly, finally turning to face me, "and I love my son, very much. But I just don't want to see either of you getting hurt."

I nodded. Her and Rose were more alike than I ever thought.

"I'm trying not to," I told her, realizing how empty my words were. Sure, I really didn't want to get hurt, but I was making mistakes left and right to do just that.

She nodded, but I knew she didn't mean it.

I didn't blame her though, she had a point.

"When you asked me to take that gift up there, you didn't want anything that might've happened to happen," I stated rather than asked because even though I had the beginnings of a serious hangover, I knew what she meant.

She nodded again. "I have to admit I was surprised to see you there this morning. But, Edward is an adult, and so are you, I just didn't expect…" she said whispering the last part and waving her hands around.

I watched as she dropped the bacon into the sizzling pan, taking a long gulp of my hot coffee.

"You just wanted us to talk and hopefully for me to console him, right?"

"Yes, but I also hoped he would see what a great person you are..."

I tried to smile at her, but I was sure it came out pretty half-assed. Again, I knew what she meant, she didn't have to even come out and say it. Last night, meant nothing to Edward. At least, she didn't think so, but I did. I was almost positive that last night meant a hell of a lot to Edward. It wasn't just two adults fooling around. And I was going to prove that to her one way or another.

"I'm sorry, I got carried away... with the liquor..."

"It's okay sweetheart, what's done is done... We'll get passed this, I'm sure of it."

I nodded, feeling my cheeks heat in embarrassment again. I'd fucked up so bad… and I was so stupid for not seeing how poorly this was going to end up last night.

This just wasn't going to go away overnight, the whole Esme seeing Edward and I nearly naked, in bed. It just wasn't going to get wished away. Things didn't work that way.

I accepted it with a sigh, slipped off the stool, and headed out to the living room. There was no use hanging around in an uncomfortable silence.

Once there I saw Carlisle glaring daggers at Edward so I knew my assumption was right, that Esme had in fact told him. Carlisle was very protective of me. He thought of me as another daughter and was always very cautious of boys around me when I was younger, but as I had grown older he had seemed to settle some. But this morning more than proved that Daddy Cullen was still very much alive and well.

I walked over and gave Daddy C a hug even though that was going to be weird. He would probably be wanting a talk with me later, but we were in family mode right now and a hug on Christmas morning was normal.

He wrapped his warm arms around me and wished me a very Merry Christmas, before pulling back and making room for me on the sofa.

I murmured a hello to Paul. It was nice seeing him there. And to see Rose leaning into his side. Damn, they were cute!

I sat in the silence next to Carlisle since he didn't seem to want me next to Edward.

Edward offered me a small smile and Carlisle coughed, making it all very uncomfortable.

I finished up my coffee and decided to head upstairs for a shower, I needed something to get rid of the pounding headache I was sporting since food was still nearly an hour off.

I headed to my room and found my phone. I had one unread text and when I looked to see who it was, I tossed the fucking thing on the bed and left the room choking back tears. _Fuck them!_

_Yeah... It was going to be a great Christmas._

* * *

__**There's the BPOV that you were all looking for. **

**I hope it settles some nerves... for the time being. **

**What do you think? Bella can't seem to remember much and Daddy C looks like he's gonna run Edward over with his truck...**

**How do you think it will all turn out?**


	15. Tear Soaked Wrapping Paper

**Hello there! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! I didn't... I worked, but whatever.  
**

**Thanks to MC for making this pretty!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 15**

**BPOV**

_Merry Christmas Bella!- Mom & Dad_

That was the text message I got from them. Attached to it was a picture of the beach that she and Dad were staying on. I damn near threw my phone. It wasn't a gift or even a phone call. No, those only came once every six months and it was really just to make sure I was still alive and didn't need any more money.

_Fuck them!_

Yes, I'd be the first one to admit it was kind of nice not to have to worry about money, but really, every once in a while I guess it would be nice to see my biological parents. I guess that just wasn't in the cards for me though. I hadn't seen them in over a year. They had been scheduled for a trip to Hong Kong on business when at the last minute the buyer backed out and they were left with a week to themselves. The weather here was horrible so they were grounded for a few days and I just happened to be home. It wasn't as if they would ever make the trek out to school to see me... No, that would never happen. It was the Cullens who helped me move there and it would probably be them who would help me move when Rose and I graduated.

No, my parents were really just financial support dummies who couldn't actually be bothered with their own child.

The world of art was far too important to them.

See, Charlie and Renee Swan were world renowned art dealers. You'd think though with the economy in the shitter their job security would be faltering with such a come and go kind of occupation, but it wasn't. If anything, business had picked up some. People would rather look at ridiculously priced works of art than deal with their mounting debt. And they just loved to employ my mom and pops to find it for them.

Every year it got easier and easier to say they are just awful parents and that was why they weren't sitting with me downstairs. But this year, something about emotions running high and all of the Edward shit, just set me back a bit.

I couldn't help but stare at the screen.

_Could they really be that heartless?_

And while I was staring at it, my face began to feel hot and tears slid down my cheeks. I wasn't completely crying because there was no sound. The whole thing though, was just sad. I couldn't stop the tears either. I tried. I told myself they weren't worth the pain or the time, but it didn't help. They were after all my parents…

I wiped furiously at the salty tears streaming down my face.

Nothing made the fact that my parents only sent me a text message on Christmas easier.

Nothing other than the Cullens. And even though I had made an ass out of myself in front of them earlier, I knew without a doubt if I walked down there they would still love me no matter what. There was no question when it came to them. And that my friends, was my only saving grace in my life.

I sighed, took a deep, calming breath, and did my best to dry my tears before tossing my phone away from me and heading towards the shower.

I would not let them ruin my Christmas… again.

***C***

I let the hot water run all over me as I stood beneath the spray. It felt great and did wonders for my headache. And once the throbbing was gone, the tears seemed to subside as well.

Emotional roller coaster didn't even quite cover the ride that I seemed to be on.

My eyes burned in the hot water, but that didn't stop me from letting the water run on my face.

It made me feel real. It connected with who I was. I wasn't really sure how to put it, but after all those years of not really belonging to my biological family it wore on me. It made me feel out of place sometimes. And this was one of those times. I really felt out of place today and was wondering if I should have left. Maybe even head back to the dorm. But something about the hot water cleared my head a bit and made me feel better. It made me realize the people downstairs were all that really mattered in my life.

I sighed when I finally felt like myself again and shut off the water.

And after I toweled off and redressed in some yoga pants and a long sleeve shirt I brushed my teeth and pulled my hair up into a messy bun.

I didn't give a fuck what I looked like. It was Edward's turn to take me like I was and if he didn't like me at my worst he sure as hell didn't deserve me at my best.

*C*

After I was ready to go back downstairs I paused, grabbed my phone and texted Rose to ask her to come upstairs for a minute. We had a few things to talk about and we were the kind of friends that didn't let shit weigh us down. We got it out in the open between us before it really bothered either of us and caused problems.

I also didn't want to let this dwell on my mind when it was supposed to be a happy time. There was enough shit going on already.

My phone buzzed with an 'OK', and then I heard her footsteps as she came up the stairs.

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my reeling thoughts as I waited for her. There was so much I wanted to say to her. Some good… and some… well…very bad.

Rose entered looking more or less apprehensive.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked looking at me smiling slightly.

"I just wanted to talk with you before breakfast," I explained sighing heavily.

She nodded and pursed her lips, like she had expected this.

At least she knew… and didn't automatically think what she pulled this morning was okay.

I patted the bed, wanting her to sit down.

"Rose, you know I love you like a sister," I started wanting to make sure I formed everything right in my head before it came flowing out of my mouth. "But I think what happened this morning was…well… it sucked," I told her honestly. "You hurt me Rose."

She nodded in understanding and went to speak, but I silenced her by putting up my hand. I wanted to get what I had to say off my chest first before she had a chance to say her piece.

"I know what I did with Edward last night was dumb and irresponsible. I'm seeing that _so_ very clearly now. I wish I could go back and do things differently. I guess try to do things the right way, whatever way that may be I'm not sure right now, but nonetheless, I felt a little hurt this morning because I know you must have figured out I was still in there, but yet you sent Esme in there to find me in bed with your brother."

She nodded and gulped, her blue eyes turning towards the floor averting mine.

Yep, my suspicions were dead on.

"I'm sorry," she choked out.

I pulled her close and hugged her quickly, "I know, Rose, but why?"

We were both overly emotional. So much had happened since we'd come home. Our lives had completely changed in two totally different ways.

We broke apart and I wiped the tears that were invading my eyes again.

"Bella, I was just so mad. So angry that you would've let it happen that way," she whispered.

I shook my head. "Rose, this probably isn't going to help my case, but I don't even know exactly what happened. I know I need to talk to Edward still, but I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex last night. I think I would 'feel' it, right?"

Her brows knitted together and she frowned some more. "Yeah, that's true, and I guess that's good news, I'm pretty relieved actually, but Bella you still need to talk to Edward sooner rather than later."

"Yeah," I breathed, relieved that she wasn't screaming at me and that we were talking as real friends did.

"I just can't figure out what you were thinking…I know what I pulled was an asshole move, but really Bella, I thought you were going to be careful, what happened to that?"

I sighed and closed my eyes, "I don't know. I was recklessly living in the moment I guess, and my head wasn't in a good place thinking about my parents. And then being in there with Edward, honestly, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, I guess I really wasn't."

She rubbed my back in a caring way making me feel a little better, until yet another rush of embarrassment came rushing through my body.

"Fuck, I don't know what I'm gonna do," I muttered burying my face in my hands as I sobbed, silently berating myself.

Rose held me, soothing me and trying to calm me down, but it wasn't much help. I was a mess and couldn't see the light in the situation.

"Bella, honey, you have to stay positive. I know it's hard. Even for me and I'm not even directly affected. But try to think good thoughts until you talk to him. Maybe whatever happened last night was the push that he needed, instead of the hurt that we think it may be now."

I looked up at into those sapphire eyes hoping for sincerity, and when I found it I breathed much easier. "Thanks Rose."

"Bella, I really am sorry for what I did, I didn't mean to hurt you, you know I love you too," she smiled kindly. "We good now?"

I returned her smile, "Yeah, we're good."

"Come on then, Ma's gonna be looking for us soon," she said urging me off the bed.

I wiped my face one more time and hugged her again before promising myself there would be no more tears today.

I took a deep breath and holding Rose's hand I was finally ready to go downstairs again.

"Merry Christmas, Bella," Esme offered as soon as I reached the bottom stair.

I smiled and walked over to her, giving her a great big hug.

"Merry Christmas."

It was a tender moment and I truly did cherish it. We were starting over it seemed and I was grateful for it.

"Christmas brunch is served," she said sweetly, backing up and wiping her hands on her apron.

She was amazing, she had probably just run a marathon in the kitchen, but every hair was in place and she looked cool as a cucumber.

We all filed into the dining room eager to get this Christmas show on the road.

"Merry Christmas, Rose," I said with a soft smile. We hadn't really greeted each other appropriately before, so I was trying to make up for that now.

"Merry Christmas," she said back just as sweetly.

We really did love each other, even when we fought or disagreed about things, but we'd talk it out and they weren't an issue for long. Just like today.

Edward and I sat on opposite sides of the table, because I wasn't about to plop down next to him in the chair that Siobhan had been occupying just the day before last. It was all fun yesterday, but after last night, he was going to have to make the effort.

Brunch was fucking fabulous. Esme made some greasy as hell bacon and I ate three pancakes. It was _the_best hangover food I had ever experienced and it really and truly made me smile.

I soaked up my left over syrup with some sausages making me really seem like a pig, but it was all too good to resist.

"Go easy there or I'll be rolling you back to school," Rose said with a chuckle.

I mouthed 'Fuck off' to her before going back to my food.

She was inhaling it all just as fast as me.

We were finally back to normal and that felt so good.

I saw that Daddy Cullen and Esme were working on theirs pretty good too, but not Edward. He normally rivaled us all. But not this time. No, he had barely touched the one pancake that he laid out on his plate and hadn't even gone for the bacon next to it. That was just so unlike him, and I wondered if he too was still suffering from a bad hangover.

I decided to try to get his attention, by nudging his foot. He instantly looked up at me and offered me a little smile. I couldn't help but smile back. He was adorable.

"You feeling okay," I asked quietly.

And he just nodded, but I couldn't tell if he meant it or not, because his eyes were on his plate then; he didn't even glance back at me.

Sure, he looked worse for wear, but so did I and I was feeling pretty good now, so I just didn't know what he was thinking, but I had to admit his silence was making me nervous.

***C***

After the dishes were all taken care we all headed back into the living room. It was finally time for presents. Sure, I was twenty, but I was still excited. There was nothing wrong with that. Presents were fun and I might not have gotten any from my parents, but I always got plenty from the Cullens.

The tree was once again filled to the brim with gifts. All in different shapes and sizes and of course they were wrapped absolutely exquisitely. I was in awe by this year's gift-age. It was absolutely insane. There were so many presents they spilled out beyond the reach of the tree's branches and on to the floor. Some leaned up against the wall and others were behind the recliner because they were so big.

Edward and I were once again on opposite sides, this time it was the living room. Was he avoiding me? God, we were gonna have to talk soon I thought as Rose and I took the love seat. The very one Edward and I had snuggled up together on the day before. And he was on the sofa on the far side of the living room. Sure it was only probably 30 feet away, but it felt like miles.

"Okay, who gets one first?" Esme asked with a huge smile, playing Santa as usual.

She picked one at random and read the tag, her mouth sagged a bit and she tucked it back into the tree. We all knew that one must've been for Siobhan, but Esme being Esme didn't want to make a big fuss.

She probably tried to get rid of them all last night, before she brought down the new set, but it looked like she missed one.

"Okay, this one is for Rose," she said handing Rose a brightly wrapped one.

And after Rose tore into it like a two year old we all saw that it was the Coach purse that she had been dying to have for a while now. I knew for a fact that she was saving up for it.

I smiled at Esme, because she was so damn sly. She had asked me about that thing over a month ago and made sure Rose didn't have it yet.

She smiled right back at me knowingly.

The gifts went on for a while. Like I said, there were a lot of them.

I got a new laptop from Esme and Carlisle, apparently they had heard from Rose about my troubles with the one that I had. This was a brand new Mac and was simply perfect for what I needed to do for schoolwork.

They were so damn generous making my eyes brim yet again, but keeping up with my promise to myself I didn't let those tears come out. I choked them back for later when I was alone.

I did however jump up and hug them both so hard. A deep breath in, taking in both of their familiar scents. Esme's a light feminine smell and Daddy C's deep scent of his cologne, making me feel even more at home and sending me rolling through even more memories.

I sat back down and opened my final present.

Rose got me a case and certificate to go get a mani and pedi together. I thanked her with a hug. The pampering would be nice.

Daddy Cullen loved the golf tie I got him. He loved golf, but he was absolutely terrible at it.

"Bella, this is perfect, thank you," he said holding it up and looking it over.

The awkwardness from earlier was dissipating and a weight was being lifted from my chest.

And Esme just went nuts over the earring set I found for her. Sure, it might have seemed like a lot, but I liked to spoil my true family because they really did put up with my shit.

"Oh baby girl, these are just lovely," she told me staring down at her new accessories.

I got Rose a Vera Bradley tote that she loved. She'd been bitching that she hated carrying a backpack so I thought this was a much more acceptable option.

"So fucking awesome, thank you," she said hugging me tightly.

I sighed and grabbed the neatly wrapped box that I had sat down next to my leg before walking it over to Edward.

I wanted to leave it until the end because it was so special to me.

And finally I got him a leather bound photo album that was embossed with his initials on the outside.

It was empty except for one picture at the very end. It was of us and it was taken the day he signed his first big contract as a freelancer. I was sixteen and he was twenty five in the pic. See, he was supposed to fill it with all of his favorite pictures. It was the perfect gift, I thought, at least.

His eyes gently met mine when I placed it in his lap without a word. They said enough on their own though. He tore open the plain brown paper and lifted the album into his hands.

I watched the emotions pass over his face as his thumb smoothed over the silver lettering and then all the ones that passed as he flipped the pages, right to the end. Just when he thought it was empty, he found the picture. His eyes lit up and a smile spread over his face. I loved that he spent so much time checking it out.

"This is beautiful, Bella," he said softly. "Thank you so much, it's perfect."

"You're welcome," I told him with a beaming smile I couldn't keep off of my lips.

_Yeah, I did good..._

But then, after that little exchange, things got weird again. We were left with skirting glances from everyone else. It seemed that everyone wanted to know about it, but I didn't want to share and neither did Edward, evident from his silence. That made me very happy. It was just between us.

Finally, I pulled my eyes away from him and I concentrated on enjoying my gifts.

Lots of clothes thanks to Esme and Rose. A beautiful new laptop bag from Daddy Cullen, which he received another hug for.

Then, I noticed a small package at the bottom which I hadn't opened yet, which surprised me because I thought I was done before.

It was from Edward. And I checked the tag twice. Not Siobhan and Edward... Nope, just Edward.

I peeled away the pretty blue paper to reveal a small white box and inside it was a gorgeous flower covered book. I pulled it out and flipped through it. Inside were movie tickets, concert stubs, mini golf score cards, bowling sheets, even restaurant receipts. They were all from when we'd gone out together. Not just from the past month either. No, some of these were from years ago, but he had saved them all. It was a memory book, with cheesy-ass photos to go along with every entry. Thankfully though, it didn't say _'To my little sister'_or anything equally wrong. No, it said 'you belong here' on the last page... After the morning I'd had, it was just what I needed.

A tear slid down my cheek as I whispered a thank you to him. Yeah, my promise was broken, but this was totally worth it.

Merry Christmas, Bella, I thought silently.

* * *

**So... Rose and Bella got through their shit. **

**Now just for Edward and her talk, right?**

**Next chapter! :)**

**What do you think of the gifts?**

**And what about Rose & Bella's talk?**

**Join me in my group on FB if you've got some time. Friday the teasers go up! Midnightlove87's Fics**

**Also, just a reminder for anyone who's interested, my new fic goes up on Wednesday! I hope you all will love it! **


	16. You're Just Little Girl Lost

**Welcome back everyone! **

**Thanks to MC for her painstaking help on this one... I was a real bear, but she dealt with me all the way through! I love you girl!**

Here's the one you've all been waiting for... 

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 16**

**BPOV**

Once gifts were through we broke off. All of us deciding to go our separate ways for a while. We all needed some time for ourselves anyways.

Time to breathe and think.

Life had been going crazy in every direction.

Rose had packing to do, and Esme and Carlisle took off to God knows where. Yeah, I didn't really want to think about it. I chuckled a little to myself. And, Edward needed some time to himself, as did I.

So I shook my head to clear those thoughts. I hauled all my presents upstairs and took a moment to flip through Edward's again. We were definitely on the same wave length this year. That showed something, right?

Both were heartfelt and sentimental.

All of the memories that were in there made me smile because I remembered all of them. Everything from my tenth birthday party at the bowling alley to just the other night in Port Angeles; they were all documented in there. The book wasn't huge, so it would be nice to be able to carry it around with me while I was at school and feeling a little home sick. Which happened more than I liked to admit.

As I flipped to each new page, the things that he'd saved surprised me.

There were movie tickets from a decade ago taped in there.

Some of the score cards from mini golf were almost just as old.

I smiled as my fingertips ran over the faded paper.

The pencil lines were almost unreadable, but you could see that he'd won, that time. Usually I kicked butt in mini golf but there were a few times where he broke out and took the lead.

All of the best times from my youth were pretty much cataloged in there. That was the truth, as I didn't have too many good memories beyond age ten with my own family. I was glad the Cullens were so family oriented and felt blessed that they had included me in their lives all these years.

Tears rolled down my face at the depressing thoughts of my own parents.

I sniffled and cleared the tears away with my sleeve.

I finally set the book down and decided it was time to go find Edward. I needed to talk to him about what happened last night and what it meant to him; I wanted to know where things stood between us. These were all imperative issues that needed to be addressed, but I wasn't certain how much more I wanted to tell him — regarding the intensity of my feelings and what I wanted for the future; not when his break up was so fresh.

My eyes flashed to my phone, which was still on the corner of my bed. That fucking text message was still sitting there, waiting for a reply.

Overwhelming anger welled up inside me almost instantly. An all-consuming rage that came out of nowhere.

Then it hit me what I needed to do. I was done letting people walk all over me. I'd been a doormat to them and Edward for far too long. I wasn't even going to fucking respond to their pathetic attempt at a greeting. _Fuck them!_

And Edward…

If all I was to _him_ was an excuse… an escape route, I was going to give him a piece of my fucking mind. I didn't like the feeling of just being an excuse for Edward to use to solidify his break up. No actually, after the words left my mouth I felt sick. But he kissed me and made me feel better than I ever had in my entire life.

I needed to get my thoughts together before I went off the deep end.

So I took a deep breath and tried to be as mature as I could be about the situation before leaving my room and heading down the hall.

I knocked lightly.

"Who is it?"

"It's me," I whispered.

He popped open the door with a grin. That was definitely a good sign. I breathed a tiny sigh of relief.

_Maybe this __would be__ better than I had expected?_

"Hey there."

"Hi," I said softly, not really knowing what to say.

"Wanna come in?" he asked opening the door wide enough for me to enter through.

I nodded and walked in, I brushed along his body as I passed by him. The room seemed so strange to me. The bed that everything had happened in was still there, but it looked foreign and made me feel uneasy. The piles of junk were gone as well as the used sheets from when Siobhan was sleeping on them. And in his trash can I saw a perfume bottle. The same scent that she had been parading around in. He'd certainly taken the trash out so to speak.

I almost cracked a smile, but I resisted.

There was no need to rub it in his face that I was happy his relationship had failed. Even though, from what I could tell today he wasn't overly upset about it at all. He seemed almost relieved that she was gone.

I also saw that the photo album I gave him was on his nightstand; that made me crack a little smirk.

"I really loved my memory book," I said, looking around again, feeling nervous about what to say. Of course I wanted to get right down to business, but it felt so awkward at the same time.

I fiddled with the hem of my shirt before eventually walking my way through his room and over to the bed.

I sat down and waited for him.

"I'm glad; it took me a while to make. I was hoping it would help… when you're missing us here or you're down on your parents again."

That was exactly what I had planned to use it for.

I blinked and tried really hard to remember what it was I came in here for, because all I really wanted to do was repeat last night all over again, just without the alcohol.

"I really liked my book too. Bella, it was really perfect."

"Thanks, I'm glad you like it; I tried to think of a gift that was _you_when I was shopping." He smiled at my statement.

After that we awkwardly stared around the room for a few minutes. It was tough trying to make small talk when I still wasn't sure how he felt about last night.

"So listen," I said, trying to be a mature adult, "I thought we should talk about last night."

I gave myself a mental pat on the back. It didn't come out as overly anxious or even all muddled together.

He nodded offering me a smirk, "Sure, let's talk."

The words sent hope through me, they sounded so reassuring and his smirk, I just smiled to myself.

He took a seat next to me before flopping back. One arm slid behind his head, while the one closest to me wrapped itself around my waist.

The closeness of him made me feel comfortable. It was calming and helped to relieve the nerves in the pit of my belly.

I took a deep breath and figured that getting to the point was the best place to start. We were going to have to be honest here; it wasn't a time to beat around the bush.

"Edward, I don't really know how to say this, but I don't exactly know what we did last night," I told him honestly, trying to be as adult about this as I could. It was difficult admitting I didn't really know how far things went with us. Shame was bubbling to the surface, but I was able to tamp it down for the time being.

My eyes watched his reaction carefully, though the initial nerves about the whole situation had dissipated, others were sprouting up just as quickly as the last ones left. His smile slowly fell and my heart dropped. His opinion of me mattered so much and I was afraid he was going to think the worst.

He sighed and scrubbed at his face with his free hand while he just laid there, not saying a word for several minutes, before taking a deep breath and tightening his arm around my waist.

"You don't remember at all?" he asked seriously. Those green eyes searched mine intently with a blaze of something unrecognizable forming in them.

"No, I remember some," I said, feeling my cheeks fill with redness, "but I just don't know how far it went… it all gets a little fuzzy." His gaze never left mine and was so intense that it made me squirm a bit.

He frowned and ran a hand through his hair. "We made out, Bella." He said it as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

I was silent, not really knowing what to say to that. His tone was soft, but I could still tell he was annoyed at my question.

"Do you remember that?"

There was no question with the way his eyes stared into mine that he wanted me to remember, and I did and knew I had to reassure him of what I could recall.

I gulped, suddenly feeling an overwhelming tightness in my throat. "I remember kissing you and touching you, but… " I wasn't sure at what point we stopped, but I did remember his lips… oh his glorious lips.

Those were good memories… _so very good._

He seemed happy with that, his eyes lightened and the corners of his lips turned up. I was relieved, but it was short-lived, because his next words sent me reeling.

"Then you showed me that you wanted more," he said softly.

_But how much more did I get?_

I nodded, because I remembered squeezing his ass and the wonderful things that it got him to do. And of course the feeling of his amazing body underneath my roaming hands. I let my back give out and I flopped down beside him. His arm thankfully didn't leave me, just scooting up to caress under my neck.

His touch warmed me, reassured me. It said volumes of unspoken words.

I decided to let him tell me all about last night before I spent too much energy thinking about all the possibilities.

"And then we began stripping each other." He eyed me warily.

I gulped, but talked myself down. Even as questions rushed through my mind, I had to wait and listen.

He let out a long sigh. "But that's really as far as it went. You passed out," he said flicking his eyes away from me.

It almost made me feel like I had disappointed him… _What was that about? _Maybe he was upset that I left him hanging?

"Oh."

"You're still a virgin, Bella," he said staring up at the ceiling, "if that's what you're really concerned about here."

Of course I was fucking concerned. _Was that a bad thing?_

I mean I had kept it for twenty years, and now that I was thinking more clearly, I realized how relieved I was that I didn't lose it drunk and not being able to remember such a significant event in my adult life.

My mouth was suddenly like a desert and I was at a loss of what to say. My nervousness was taking over. I didn't want to say the wrong thing, but I still somehow wanted to tell him how I felt in hopes that he might understand things from my point of view. I still didn't know how he felt about what happened, so I decided to test the waters and go from there. I'd had enough embarrassment for one day.

"I need to know if last night," I stopped and swallowed down the tears threatening to choke me, "if you were just using me to get rid of Siobhan or if… if…"

Bile bubbled in my stomach as it began to turn at the words actually falling from my mouth.

It might have seemed like an awful question, but it was the perfect way to find out what I wanted to know. It was the only way I would know without any more shame.

I stared away for a moment, but when he didn't speak I couldn't help but look over at him. I saw his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Then that vibrant green began to burn with something different than I had seen in the past. Something strong. They lit up, not in excitement like they had that morning… in something else… maybe anger. Then I watched as his full lips frowned again and he scrubbed his face.

He sat up so fast I didn't know what was happening. Then he dragged me to sit up too, turning me so I was facing him. I wasn't sure what I had said or done, but he seemed upset. So upset in fact that I wondered if he was going to throw me out of his room.

"You think… You really think that what happened last night was because of _her_?" he asked saying the word her with so much disgust it was almost frightening. I cringed for a moment, then after calming myself down, I kept telling myself this was Edward and he would never hurt me… at least not physically.

I shrugged. Honestly, I wondered. But, of course I hoped not.

"Bella, let's get something straight right now," he said gently grabbing my shoulders and looking down into my eyes. "Nothing that happened last night, was because of _her_… I was beyond fucked up and you were too. Stupid shit was said between us and I'm sorry about that." He looked pensive, but continued, "Yeah, it's going to be a pain in the ass to get rid of her, but I can certainly do it on my own. I know what I said, but really it was the whiskey talking. And to be honest I was a bit over whelmed with feelings I'd never really thought too much about before."

I nodded and smiled at those words. I wanted to know more about those feelings.

Then he sighed and dropped his hands. That comforting warmth was gone.

"But something else happened last night too. Something I never really thought would and I'm not too sure whether I should be happy or upset about it, but either way it opened my eyes."

"What was that?" I questioned quickly, not thinking about what could've happened last night that would've given him such mixed feelings.

He smiled softly, "That you're a hell of a lot less like a little sister than I ever imagined."

I chuckled at that and smiled at him.

_That has to be a good thing, right?_

He shook his head with a small smile playing on his lips, "I'll never be able to think of you like that again. You have grown into a hell of a woman, Bells."

"Well, thank you, and that might be a good a thing, you know," I offered, hopeful. "I'm really glad you don't see me as a little girl anymore."

He didn't say anything.

We both sat there, staring at anything but each other for another short time.

His hand finally reached out for mine, and he held it tight, with a thumb rubbing small circles on the inside of my palm.

It felt good.

I breathed for the first time in what felt like forever.

"I have to leave," he said breaking the silence and making my heart leap into my throat. "In the morning," he clarified looking at me with sad eyes.

I closed my eyes, hating the fact that he was probably heading back to see her. "To her," I whispered, finally voicing my feelings. There was no point in holding back; we'd already been through so much.

"Bella, it's not like that."

"It's fine, I understand," I mumbled opening my eyes with a sigh.

"No, I don't think you do," he said harshly.

"Then, please, fucking spell it out for me," I said losing the little bit of temper I had left.

"I don't know what to do. I'm confused, Bella and I need some time… Things… well, my feelings are all jumbled," he whispered looking down at me intensely. That shade of green was killing me.

"I don't know what to do either, but I know what I want," I told him honestly, "and I want you, Edward." I had no fucking clue where we were supposed to go from here though. Sure, I knew what I wanted. I could feel that all over me, but that was different from knowing what he wanted and if it would work or not.

Fear of failing with Edward was overwhelming.

"I don't think I can do this… right now, Bella. It'd be too hard to just forget the last year or so and move on right now. I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but like I said, I need some time."

His words… they were everything that crippled me.

I gulped back the emotion clawing at my throat. He didn't want me. Rose was right.

"Bella, please, it's just too soon and let's face it… You're… well you. Bella Swan… acting member of this family. I don't need Dad all over my ass because we made out one night," he laughed humorlessly as his eyes filled with emotion, "For fuck's sake Ma would beat my ass if this shit didn't work. I think we've done enough damage as it is, for now at least," he continued with a softer tone., "Not to mention, I'm almost thirty and you have your whole life to live still."

Anger bubbled up inside me. There were so many things wrong with his righteous little speech, but I decided to start with his ridiculously compulsive age comment.

"It's not like I'm ten, goddamn it! You make yourself out to be an old man! What the fuck, Edward?" I shouted.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself when I suddenly remembered something.

"Jesus Christ Bella, I know that. Trust me, that point was hammered home to me loud and clear last night. But I don't think I can be what you need right now."

"How could it have just been last night when you practically attacked me in the kitchen a week and a half ago?"

His eyes flashed and his jaw tightened. "I was drunk," he seethed, his hands gripping his hair.

"And why were you drunk Edward?"

His eyes flashed again, I thought for a moment he was going to lash out at me, but then he sighed and calmed himself.

"I-I…I didn't like that you were out with Devin."

I was shocked, that much I knew, but hearing him admit it threw me through a loop.

"What the fuck was it to you, if I was out with him?" I questioned quickly. My anger hadn't dissipated despite my surprise at his admission. "You were here with your _fiancée_!"

His eyes darted to mine before falling to the floor for a moment. Then when they closed and opened looking directly at mine again, he licked his lips and sighed heavily. It was almost in slow motion.

"I guess…" he swallowed slowly, "that was when I realized my feelings were not so brotherly towards you."

My throat constricted. Did he just…?

My anger raged tenfold at that. He was being ridiculous!

"Yeah, well, last night should've shown you that we have a connection that goes far beyond our childhood and we could work, no matter whatever anyone else has to say. "

"As if it were that easy," he said turning away me. "There is so much more here to think about than that, Bella."

"It is that fucking easy! If you wanted this too, you'd find a way to make this work!"

"You just don't fucking get it, do you? No matter what I feel for you, the fact remains that you're still a little girl lost, looking for affection. You always have been and you always will be." He sighed and touched my face. "If we don't make it, even if it's because you fucked it up, every fucking one of them is going to end up hating me."

How fucking dare he!

"Fuck you!" I seethed through clenched teeth, ripping his hand from my face.

"It's not like it's anything but the truth."

"You're a jackass, you know that?"

"I can't make you happy Bella, don't you understand that?"

I shook my head. He didn't fucking get it. He was _everything _I needed. He was family, he was stability, and he was Edward.

But he had his mind made up. _Stupid fucking prick!_

He didn't want me. I shuddered and realized I'd had enough.

"You know, for being so smart, sometimes you can really be a fucking idiot," I said softly losing the will to fight.

He looked even more distressed and a bit confused. "Bella, please, I care about you, I just can't give you more…"

I stood up from the bed, ripping my hand from his and giving him one last look before stalking across the room and opening the door without another word. There was nothing left to say.

It was my attempt of not making any more of a fool of myself in front of him I tried to keep my tears at bay. If he didn't want me, I certainly wasn't about to stick around and beg for his attention or give him the satisfaction of seeing how crushed I was.

_Fuck him!__ I was so fucking done. I had been emotionally stepped all over for years now and I couldn't take it anymore. I was just so fucking tired of it all._

I was just about to close his door when I heard Esme holler up the stairs, "Bella, Edward, if you two have got a minute I would love to talk with you."

I could hear Edward groan and I personally didn't have any desire to sit down and rehash what had just happened.

But she was Esme after all and the closest thing I had to a mother, so I yelled back, "Just a minute," and turned to give Edward a look that said, 'don't fuck with me'.

He shook his head with an eye roll, but lifted off the bed to follow me.

_Could this day get any fucking worse…_

* * *

__**So Esme wants a minute of their time... I wonder what she wants to talk about?**

**How did you think the talk went?**

**Do you think Bella will see his reasoning? Or do you think she will be fixated on the here and now?**

**What did you think of Edward's comments? Little girl lost? **

**I'll see you on Weds for some Tick Tock and on Friday for a teaser! Lots of love! **


	17. Crushed

**So, my beautiful beta MC told me I should warn you... This chapter is where this story really earns it's hurt rating. **

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 17**

**BPOV**

We walked down the stairs. Not together mind you, no, he was careful to make sure he hung a couple steps back. He didn't want me near him.

He was probably wary of his balls. Given if I got too close I was tempted to smack them into place.

And when we reached the landing, even without any direction from Esme, I knew that we were supposed to meet in the kitchen. It was just where shit like this went down.

I ignored Edward and set off towards the door.

He looked like a fucking tool just standing there, but I wasn't about to say anything to him.

In there I found Esme bopping around, but I also caught sight of the kitchen table, set with milk and cookies. You'd think we were still kids. This shit wasn't supposed to work on adults… but it did.

_She wanted to talk alright. _

I frowned, not really wanting to rehash what Edward and I had just gone through. I was barely holding it together, the ache in my chest and tears behind my eyes were ready to overtake me at any time.

"What's up?" I asked quietly, clearly jarring her from whatever she was thinking.

"Oh good, you're both down here," she commented, taking us in. "Do you wanna sit down and have a snack?"

We had all just eaten an enormous feast, but just a few hours later she wanted to have a snack?

_Yeah…__I knew that was code for sit down, we are going to have a talk._

"Sure," I mumbled looping around to the table knowing I really had no choice in the matter.

"Ma, what're you doing?" Edward asked in an annoyed tone.

"I just wanted to make sure you both got what you wanted for Christmas, you know and chat a little."

Edward let out a long sigh before he walked over to the table and slumped down in his usual chair. Fucker deserved the third degree from her and he knew it was coming.

I would've snickered at the fact that he was in the hot seat, if it weren't for the fact that I was too.

Esme took the seat next to me, which was normally Rose's.

"So were you both happy with everything you got?" she said placing napkins in front of us and laying out cookies.

These were freshly made cookies, tender and still warm to the touch. You could tell she wanted our cooperation. There was no doubt.

I broke mine apart and started nibbling, letting Edward answer first. I wanted him to have the pressure.

He looked at me, expectantly, but I just shook my head. The lump in my throat combined with the cookie was making it damn near impossible for me to get any words out. I needed a minute to compose myself.

The chocolate melted away, but the emotion continued to clog my throat.

"Yeah, Ma, of course I got everything I wanted," he told her, clearly happy with all the gifts he received but annoyed at her obvious bullshit questioning. I, myself, understood her questioning. It was evident that she was just trying to make sure we were alright. That was her goal in life. Esme was the peacemaker. She always had been and even now, when lives were crumbling, well, really just mine, she still stood there with a tube of super glue, ready to put it all back together again.

I wanted to say something, but I kept my anger to myself, taking it out on my cookie instead. I figured if I could hold onto my anger, then my sadness and grief would be kept at bay until I was alone. I still had a little pride left and wasn't gonna give Edward the satisfaction of knowing he'd crushed all my hopes and dreams for a future with him.

Esme said, "Great, glad to hear it," in a clipped tone and then turned her head towards me.

I cleared my throat. "Um, yeah, I loved everything I got, thank you, Esme." It was the truth.

"But did you get everything you wanted?" she pressed giving me a knowing look.

Esme was always trying to make sure everyone was happy. Damn her for making those tears sting even worse in my eyes.

I pursed my lips and thought about it. No, I didn't. But what the fuck difference did it make now…

None, that's what!

"No, but I'm very happy with everything I got," I reassured her, besides she couldn't give me the only thing I didn't get.

I glanced at Edward for a mere second, but his eyes were focused on the wall on the other side of the kitchen and I couldn't get a read on his emotions. So I turned my attention back to Esme.

She smiled and seemed to take my answer to heart. "How about you Edward?"

He shrugged noncommittally, taking a big bite of his cookie. Gooey chocolate painted his pouty lips. I wanted to lean across and lick them clean, he looked adorable and I hated him that much more for it.

We all knew we weren't talking about the gifts under the tree now.

She didn't seem to like his answer at all. She sighed and smiled at me again before she began what I knew wasn't going to be an easy conversation.

"So, should we talk about this morning?" Esme asked pointedly, looking between the two of us.

I gulped, glancing at Edward then dropped my eyes to the table.

She turned to Edward first, "I'm sorry for barging into your room, I didn't know… Well I didn't know it would be an issue… that you might have… company. I'll never do that again, son."

Edward nodded, his cheeks tinted with color. "It's okay, Mom, but thanks."

"I'm sorry too," I whispered to her closing my eyes to keep the tears from falling. I turned away and nonchalantly wiped under my eyes.

She waved off my apology, "You're an adult Bella, what you do is your business." Then she looked expectantly at both of us. I squirmed a bit not really knowing what to say to that because yes, I was an adult but this was her house and I was still very uncomfortable with the whole situation.

"Ma, I-I… We're…" Edward started then pulled his hands through his hair, gripping it tightly in aggravation, "…not going to pursue a relationship, I'm just not ready for anything new right now, I still have things to deal with regarding Siobhan and to tie up in New York."

Her face fell flat, her disappointment clear; she looked almost as crushed than me. Her attention turned to me and I shook my head not fighting the tears any more that were trickling down my cheeks.

_Why couldn't I hold them in a little longer?_

There was nothing I could do about it. I wanted it but Edward had obviously made up his mind…. He didn't want me.

"I know it's none of my business, Edward, but you must know how your dad and I feel about you two being together, nothing would make us happier. I understand what you are saying, but are you sure…"

Edward put up his hand to stop her then scrubbed his face, looking annoyed and uncomfortable.

"Ma, it's just not a good time, okay," he sighed loudly, "I don't want to talk about it anymore." I was kind of loving the fact that he was suffering.

Then the reality of his words hit me strong. I steadied myself though, not wanting to embarrass myself further in front of him.

Esme looked at him with wide eyes; I could tell she was appalled that he would brush me off so easily.

Edward shoved the rest of his uneaten cookie away from him and wiped his fingers.

"Ma, please, don't worry about it, okay?" he practically begged her. I knew he was trying to appease her, but when I glanced at him, I could see the emotions swirling in his expressive green eyes.

She pursed her lips, still not happy with the situation. "Honey, I'm not worried about _it_, I'm worried about my family. I'm a mother, that's my God given right."

"When are you going to get it? You can't just dictate how people's lives are supposed to be!" he shouted slamming his fist down on the table. "That's how I got in the middle of this fucking mess in the first place!"

I gasped and unconsciously slid my chair back from the table at his outburst.

Esme though, didn't budge an inch. She just eyed him in that motherly 'don't you dare talk to me that way, young man' look.

"What pray tell do you mean by that?" Her face had morphed into something intense; lips pursed, eyes narrowed. Seriously concerned Esme had up and left the building, now scary as shit Esme was sitting in her place.

"What do_ I_ mean?" he laughed humorlessly, sliding his chair back and standing up to tower over his still seated mother. "Hmm… Let's see, first you nag and annoy me about when I'm going to find a nice woman. If that wasn't fucking bad enough, you go as far as to try to set me up with the most shallow, stupid, money-hungry bitches that I couldn't give a shit about. Then when I finally do bring a woman home," he took a deep breath, "you go above and beyond to make sure I know that she's not _Cullen_ material. And the fucking cake topper of it all… I finally _try_ to consider the one you so desperately want me with, but you sic Dad on me because it didn't happen the way_ you_ wanted!" he ranted loudly, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"Edward Anthony, don't talk to your mother like! I don't care how old you are, show her some respect!" Carlisle bellowed from the doorway, making me jump. "And for the record, your mother did not _sic_ me on you. I don't know what has gotten into you, son, but you have changed, and I decided to step in because I didn't want Bella to get hurt."

"Edward, I'm sorry you are so angry with me," she regarded him sadly, "but please don't disregard your feelings because of what happened this morning," Esme pleaded.

Edward scrubbed at his face again, quickly inhaling lungful's of air, before turning to his mother and offering her an apology.

"I'm sorry, Mom, I shouldn't have yelled at you, but I just can't seem to do anything right in your eyes. It's a tough life to live if you feel like you're constantly trying to please the impossible," he said softly. He didn't mean it as a dig; I think he meant it in an honest helpless way.

It was sad; even with all the anger I felt because of him, I still felt bad for him.

He wanted them to be proud, but to his mother he couldn't make the right decisions.

"Edward, that's not at all what I meant. Yes, I wanted you to be happy, to settle down. To have a family. I've always just wanted the best for you." She sighed and looked at him adoringly; she was the most loving, understanding mother. "I'm sorry for setting you up with those girls, I'd just hoped it would lead to something better for you than living a wretched life on the other side of the country all by yourself. I worry, you know," she told him softly as Carlisle came up to wrap his arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his side.

"I said… I voiced my opinion about Siobhan because I really didn't feel anything good and loving coming from her. She didn't fit with you. If your own mother doesn't know you, who does?"

Edward nodded, but didn't say anything. He had calmed down now.

"I'll admit, I'm upset about what happened with Bella. She's like a daughter to us. You know that. But what I worry about the most is either of you getting hurt. We're a family here and I don't want to see that for anyone I love. You both seem so lost, I thought with some gentle guiding you would find your way, maybe to each other and be happy, but clearly I was wrong."

My throat closed up at her words. We were family. She considered me a true part of her family. I was overwhelmed with love for this wonderful woman.

"It was my mistake, Esme, I shouldn't have taken the whiskey up there," I told her softly, staring at my fingers on the table now.

My eyes peeked up at them to see their reaction. I was taking responsibility for my foolish behavior.

She was right. We were family… in a way. And that meant when you make an asshole move, you need to apologize for it.

Edward stood there shaking his head. "For fuck's sake Bella, I'm nearly thirty, if it's anyone's fault it's mine."

"No matter who's fault it is or isn't, you don't want to… _try_ to be together?" Carlisle asked, gazing into his son's eyes.

He knew he didn't even have to ask me. My answer was as plain as day.

But Edward shook his, fast and strong. "No, Dad, I just can't…" It was like pouring salt in the gaping wound in my heart. I couldn't stand there anymore and take the hurt.

It was perfectly clear that Edward didn't want me. And he was making no bones about it.

I slowly rose from my chair, I knew I was losing the battle of keeping my emotions in check; my hands we shaking and my chest ached so bad, it was getting hard to catch my breath.

Rose, she was my answer! She was my hope. I needed Rose.

I just needed to talk to her. She would help me sort out everything and make the hurt go away.

I didn't look at anyone; I just left the room as quickly as possible. And no one said anything to me, I think they knew there was nothing left to say there.

I stumbled up the stairs and down the hallway, trying to make myself wait until I made it inside her room before I broke down in tears.

I knocked lightly on her door, even though I knew I could barge in and she wouldn't give a shit. I knew I would be burdening her and that it would be my fault, so I wanted to give her some warning.

"Bella?" she asked after opening up the door.

I looked at her with tears streaming down my face, my body shook, beginning to fail at containing the sobs from deep within my broken heart.

"Fucking shit, Bells," she said grabbing my shoulders. "What's the matter, hon?"

"I just… need… you," I stuttered out, trying to keep the crying to a minimum in the hallway.

"Sure thing," she said moving over and letting me in.

Rose was packing, and I hated myself even more for interrupting her, but hell, I needed a friend.

"What's the matter, Bella, you're worrying me?" she asked again after the door was firmly shut and the music was turned on.

I loved Rose; she knew just what to do.

"We didn't have sex," I choked out. Not that I ever really thought we did, but I knew Rose was guessing something along those lines happened.

Her eyebrows raised knowingly and I could tell she wasn't surprised at the news.

I took a deep shuddering breath so I could speak; I needed to tell her everything I now knew to be the truth.

"I was too drunk to really remember everything that happened and I guess I wasn't sure if more happened after my memory gave out, but it didn't. Edward told me I passed out and that nothing happened after that," I explained in a rush of words and mumbles.

"So what did happen, then?"

"We kissed, some clothes were removed, and we were on our way to having sex, but I passed out before we could make it there," I told her quietly.

"Is that why you're upset?" she wondered with a smile.

I would've chuckled at that any other time, but not now.

I shook my head, "No."

"Then, what is it, because you're scaring the fuck out of me."

I took a breath before letting the words leave my lips. "He doesn't… want me," I said quietly taking a shaky breath. "He is going back to New York, he wants noth… nothing to do with… with me." I finally broke down, collapsing on my knees on the floor with my face buried in my hands.

I heard her gasp and looked up to see her face crinkled in confusion; I think she was in shock, and then her eyes lit up with blue fire as it dawned on her what I had just divulged. That he didn't want me and I was nothing to him. Even after the evening we had spent together. I was… how did he put it… oh yeah. Little girl lost.

"Edward, he fucking said that too you?" she asked and I nodded. Her face was contorted, her eyes were blazing and that little vein in her forehead was throbbing. Rose was quite simply, pissed.

"How could he!" she said storming about the room.

Honestly, I figured she would be mad, but I never pictured livid.

Rose yelled for a bit, but then calmed down when I stopped her from heading down the hallway to rip her brother's balls off and burn them. I doubt she was actually going to do that, but I didn't want to take any chances.

He deserved it. Oh yes, did he fucking deserved it. But I was at fault too. I was so willing to give myself to him and I'd brought the liquor. Stupidly thinking I should spend time alone with him and that he'd want me.

I explained to her that it was no use yelling at him for something he couldn't change. Should any of it have happened? No. Was he the only one to blame? Hell no! I was the one with the bottle of Grey Goose, which I had willingly consumed. I was just going to have to take responsibility for my actions, and hope that my feelings would dissipate some over time.

He'd given me some great rejection material to work with, which should fuel my anger once these tears dried up, and help me move on, but it wasn't going to be an easy task.

She seemed to take my explanation to heart and backed down. Sighing loudly in resignation.

"Bella, are you going to be okay?" Rose touched my arm gently.

"Yes, in time, I think," I whispered wiping away my tears.

Sure, my heart still hurt like a bitch and it was a little hard to breath, but I gave her a soft smile to reassure her I'd be okay. I sure as hell wasn't going to let Rose stay home and feel bad for me instead of spending a lovely couple of days with Paul.

"Are you sure?" she asked again and I knew she didn't believe me.

So I gulped and tried to smile again, this time I could feel the corners of my lips lift up, so I figured this one had to be better than before.

"I'm sure, I just needed to cry it out, I'm sorry for taking up all your packing time."

She scoffed, "I don't leave 'til morning, no worries..."

Then, she stopped herself. "You don't mind me going, do you? Because I'll call Paul right now and tell him," she offered.

I shook my head vehemently. "No, you're going, and you're getting yourself laid!"

She laughed and so did I, this time it was real and it felt good.

Then she gave me a smirk that looked all too much like one her brother had given me the night before.

"Alright, well I'm going to head to bed," I said making my way to the door. "My head is pounding from all the crying; time for some Tylenol and some sleep."

"Bella, don't forget, if you need me, I'll be right here," she said sweetly.

"Thanks," I said and hugged her tightly. There was a reason Rose was there for me, in my life, all the time. Someone up above must've felt some mercy for me, because without her, I didn't think I could've made it this far in my lonely life.

In my room, nothing seemed any better, not that I really thought it would. All of these crazy things were coursing through my mind and I felt out of place in my own body. I wasn't any less of a virgin than I had been forty-eight hours ago, but now I sort of felt different... off even. I guess I always just assumed that the first time _anything_ along those lines happened for me it would be because of mutual feelings... and now, I was left feeling empty and a bit slighted because that wasn't the case. But Edward never said he liked me... so it wasn't like he deceived me in some way. No, it was my naivety that got in the way. And my wishful thinking.

I laid there.

Alone.

Staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep that just wouldn't come.

When Rose finished packing and moving around, I could hear Edward in his room beside mine. I was sure he was packing too. Leaving. For her.

He could say she wasn't what he wanted any more, but the fact remained that he was headed back to NYC tomorrow.

Tears streamed down my face again. They were silent and besides my sniffling, no signs were evident to anyone but me.

I wiped them on the fluffy comforter and held it closer than normal as I tried to let my heart finally break.

I was giving into the emotion because at least after tomorrow I wouldn't have to see his face for another year. I closed my eyes, remembering the night before… his kisses, his touches, his soft words… then his rejection today. It all played over and over in my mind, and my whole body ached from the emotional tsunami overtaking me.

The crying jag lasted through the night. It grew in intensity for a while, fueled by my melancholy thoughts, but then slowly waned to where tears were just dripping over my cheeks. But it never completely ended.

At six I heard him up and bustling around. His feet scraping across the floor. I knew he was getting ready to leave. He took a shower and walked back to his room. The zippers on his luggage pulled and jingled. Then I heard him as he moved out into the hallway.

Right outside my door.

I heard him stop.

I hid under my covers and buried my face, just as the sobs crept up on me again.

And when I heard him knock, I stayed there, not moving just crying, because I would not show him how he broke me.

I was determined to let him go. Move on and be done with my childhood crush on Edward Cullen, once and for all.

* * *

**Phew... We made it... I think. **

**Who thinks she'll move on? **

**Who thinks she'll try and she won't? **

**Who hates Edward right now? **

**Alright leave me some good stuff and I'll post some Tick Tock on Wednesday and see you in the group Friday for a teaser! **


	18. Dried Tears & Good Times

**Good morning lovelies! **

**So happy to see you all back here after last week! :)**

**A hug to my beta and good friend, MC!**

* * *

**Crushing 18**

**BPOV**

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, waiting for the sound of departing footsteps.

But I didn't hear them, instead, I heard my handle twist and my door slowly creak open.

I held my breath and kept my eyes closed. It had to be Rose coming to check on me and honestly, I didn't want her to see me like this; she'd seen enough of me blubbering this vacation. It was painful enough living it, but having her see me a complete mess again, and pity me, would be so much worse.

I felt someone lean over me, automatically I took a deep breath through my nose and I smelt _him_. My eyes desperately wanted to open and find out what the hell he was doing. But I couldn't give in and let him of all people see me like this, so I pretended to be asleep. I knew if I acknowledged him it'd be just that much harder to watch him walk away.

His fingers delicately ran over my cheek as he leaned in close. I could feel his warm breath on my face.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't be enough for you, baby girl," he whispered low, so I could barely make out the words.

Then his finger left my cheek and I felt his lips lightly brush against my temple and linger for a few moments before he pulled away completely. But not before I felt a wet droplet fall on my cheek.

His thumb slid softly over the apple of my cheek as it wiped the wetness away, making a large lump form in my throat. I wouldn't have been able to speak even if I'd wanted too.

My heart pounded wildly in my chest and I stayed completely still, as I listened to him leave my room just as quietly as he'd entered.

***C***

I shuffled out into the hallway after waking up with what had to be one of the worst headaches of my life. I needed to use the bathroom, which was the only reason I got up, as I was completely emotionally and physically exhausted. As I walked toward my destination, the pounding in my head just wouldn't give up; it seemed to reverberate through my skull with every step. What a hell of a night.

While out there I saw _his_ door wide open. I knew he had left for good; it wasn't as if it should have been some kind of shock to me. But nonetheless, seeing his pristinely made bed and his things gone made a hollow aching hole emit in my chest. My memory was still crystal clear regarding what had happened earlier this morning. The skin on my cheek still burned from where he had touched me, my forehead still tingled from his soft kiss, and my heart still fluttered from his tender words, but none of that changed the way he felt or the fact that he'd left me here reeling from his rejection.

I sighed and kept walking, on the way I found Rose's room in the same fashion, but I wasn't about to fault her for wanting to spend a few nights with the man of her dreams. I loved Rose and even though I was hurting, she needed some time to herself. We'd be back in school soon enough and maybe this damn ache would be gone by then.

It was still fairly early when I made my way back to my bedroom, a bit refreshed and drugged with Tylenol for my headache, so I decided to lie down and try to rest for a while longer.

When I woke again it was to the light sliding through the rift in the curtain. My pillow had finally dried from the copious amount of tears I'd shed. I groaned as I stretched up from the bed. It was a new day and I was going to put everything _Edward_ behind me. Or at the very least I was going to try. _Try like hell..._

I slipped on my robe and walked slowly down the stairs. My body was achy from all the crying I had gone through last night. I figured it was more than likely that I was dehydrated. I stumbled into the kitchen and got myself a mug from the cupboard.

Coffee wasn't the best option when I was dehydrated, but I was going to have some anyway, because if not I would be like a zombie all day.

Sleep, it barely came last night and really it wasn't restful at all, I think it was just more of an unconscious state that I was put in when my body finally took pity on me.

Carlisle was sitting at the table reading the paper still, so I knew it couldn't be that late.

You'd think it would be awkward for me to be in the Cullen's home without Rose, but it wasn't. It wasn't even awkward knowing that I was the only other one in the house besides them and I would be for the next few days.

I just shrugged it off because I felt at home here. They were, in my mind, my parents.

"Morning," I mumbled, after pouring myself a hot cup o' joe and plunking my ass down at the table.

_Ahhhh…._

"Good morning, Bella," he said bending the corner of the paper down so I could see his face.

Carlisle was dressed to the nines in a beautiful blue button up paired with a darker blue tie. Both of which, matched his eyes nicely. He had to work. It was back to the hospital grind for him today. It seemed like an awful life, but Carlisle Cullen found it not only rewarding, but stimulating. He was like the _House_of the real world.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, not really having anything to talk about with each other that wouldn't take its emotional toll. I could see he wanted to say something but gave me a few minutes to enjoy my coffee in peace. I nearly verbalized a thank you to that, but I resisted, because I was sure as soon as I said something he would start up a conversation about it.

He nudged a banana my way, being the father figure that he was and I peeled it open before breaking off some pieces and chewing them.

The coffee was finally starting to kick in.

And that combined with the depreciation of my awful headache, I was starting to feel like a human being again.

"So do you want to talk about it?" he murmured after a few moments, confirming he had in fact heard what went on the night before.

I shook my head, because really there wasn't much to talk about. Not only that, but I had no desire to cry again. I was determined to make it through at least one day without another emotional breakdown. I wasn't really sure how much more I could take.

He nodded in understanding.

"So, what are your plans for the rest of the week? Want to catch a movie, like old times?" he asked sweetly.

"I was planning on calling Dev and seeing if he was busy. And I would love to catch a movie with you, that would be great," I said, giving him a genuine smile.

A little father, daughter time was just what the doctor ordered, I guess.

"Oh that's great, Dev would love that. And, I was thinking maybe we could go see a _Christmas Carol_ or the _Grinch_, they're rescreening them for the holiday next week."

"Perfect, I'd love to see either of those," I said brightly, trying to improve my frame of mind. It wasn't an easy task, but not having _him _in the house was helpful.

Just as Carlisle was asking me about Devin, Esme came down in a big flourish. "Bella, you're just the person I was looking for! I was thinking you and I could go get our nails done together, since you missed out on the last time."

I nodded and smiled at her, but then shot Carlisle a look that told him this conversation wasn't over. He nodded and winked at me.

Esme dipped down in front of her husband and gave him a passionate kiss. _Oh what it would be like to find a love like that... one that would last..._I quickly turned my head so I wasn't staring, not that they really cared. Because really, they practically mounted each other in front of their children, but yeah, I still wasn't about to become a voyeur to their passion.

I finished my cup of coffee quickly before heading upstairs to get ready for the day.

Esme and I spent the day getting our nails done and pampering ourselves, neither of us touched on the subject of Edward. She skirted around him by sticking to all topics of school, and I stayed to anything directly related to Rose. So over lunch, which we grabbed after we got our nails all done up, we discussed Paul and Rose. Esme seemed to really like them together and thought they were good for each other. She admitted that she was a little nervous about his age and experience, but it didn't matter too much since she'd known Paul for so long.

I smiled and nodded my way through it all. Esme had no idea that Rose had liked Paul for a very long time.

"Really? I thought it was so obvious," I said before spearing a piece of lettuce.

I stuck with a salad because I was determined to lose the ten pounds that I had gained since I was home.

Esme shook her head, "Nope, I really thought she might've had someone up at school."

I laughed that comment off. Rose couldn't be bothered by college guys, they were annoying to her and most of them only wanted her for one thing. Yeah, and I knew she was not about to give that up to any of them.

"Nah, Paul was her dream guy for years; I mean we're talking back to when she was fifteen."

She laughed at that. "Poor Rose, it must've been hard when Paul was dating Leah then."

I shrugged. "Rose handled it with so much grace. Much more than some people would've," I said referring to myself, but I didn't want to talk about that so I changed the subject entirely.

"So, how's the charity coming along?" I asked. Esme had been heading a committee for a charity devoted to children with diabetes for a while now and they were just about to start up. It had taken them almost a year to get all the legalities taken care of and sorted out.

She smiled widely. "Great, we're just about done. We hope to open right after New Year's and we have some big sponsors willing to donate generously."

"Excellent."

"Yeah, I think it will really be productive. The kids are just so wonderful."

We talked some more about the charity before I grabbed the bill with a smile. I pulled out my fancy credit card, thanks to my parents, and handed it to our waitress.

I knew perfectly well that Esme could've afforded our meal out, but I figured if my parents weren't going to be around I was going to stick it to them.

Our waitress brought back the slip for me to sign and I handed it back to her with my sloppy signature on it and a big tip for her.

_Thanks __Mom__ and __Dad__. _

***C***

I dialed the familiar number and waited while the phone rang.

"Hello," his sweet voice said.

"Dev, we need to hang," I said softly.

"But I thought you said the act was over."

_What, we can't hang out?_

I sighed. "It is, Dev, but right now I just want to hang out with you, I need my friend."

"Alright, B, I'd love to see you, I'll be over in a few minutes," he said before hanging up, without questioning anything else.

I hurried around to get ready, because tonight I was going out with Dev and we were going to have a good time. It wasn't like I was going to lead him on. He knew where my feelings had been and when I explained myself to him, he'd understand that I wasn't ready for anything, but there was nothing wrong with going out and having a good time.

Fifteen minutes later I was downstairs and pulling the door open. I frowned when I saw Ryan.

"What are you doing here?" I asked instead of welcoming him in.

"Dev called me, he told me to come hang with Edward."

I rolled my eyes, Devin was a sweetheart and I guess I hadn't mentioned to him that Edward had already left.

"Ry, you're a little late, Edward left early this morning," I told him.

He shook his head looking a little upset. "You know I broke my date with a hot little blond for this shit," he muttered.

"I'm sure you can scrounge someone else up for the evening."

Ryan chuckled and ran his hand through his dirty blond hair.

"So Dev said he was coming by... to hang out with you," he said in a questioning tone.

And I just nodded, not offering any details.

"What's up with that?"

I shrugged, because there really wasn't anything up with it.

"Bella if you're looking for a man to make you scream, you really should've asked me."

I giggled and smacked his arm, "Good try."

He smirked at me, "No but really, I thought you may have had a thing for Cullen."

I frowned and looked at the floor; apparently that was a very obvious fact.

"Ryan, it's been a long ass month. I don't have any idea what I want anymore. Dev and I are just buddies and we were going to hang out tonight," I told him softly; because there really wasn't anything else I could say.

He closed the distance and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned into him and let my head rest against his chest for a few moments. Ryan might have been a horn dog, but he could feel when someone was upset and I let myself enjoy the comfort of his hug. That was, before Dev came through the still open door.

"I thought I told you to keep Edward busy, not slobber all over Bella," Dev said sounding actually annoyed.

I peeked up from Ryan's shoulder and smiled at him. "I was just telling Ry that we were going to hang out and Edward left to go back to NYC this morning."

Dev smiled a bit before realizing what he was doing and wiping it off his face.

"Ry, do you wanna come with us?" I asked as I grabbed my purse.

I watched as he looked over at Dev and they seemed to have a silent conversation before he shook his head. "Nah, Tiffany might still be around."

"Alright, well good luck with that and make sure you wrap it up," I told him with a smirk.

"I always do, Darlin'," he said before stepping outside.

Dev held out my jacket and I slipped it on before following out after him.

We spent the evening walking around Port Angeles. Dev thought it would be a good place to go. I talked his ear off, telling him all about what happened between Edward and I, and then the aftermath, of course.

"I can't believe that fucker," Dev muttered.

I sighed; I figured he was going to say something like that.

"He just doesn't get it, does he?"

"No, I'm pretty sure he gets that I like him, I just don't think he cares at this point."

"The fucks wrong with him?" he said, shaking his head.

I shrugged, because I sure as hell didn't have the answer to that question.

"Bella, this shit is ridiculous."

"I know, but there's nothing I can do and feelings don't change overnight," I whispered.

He nodded and pulled away a bit. We had been walking along with our arms linked.

Dev calmed down, and then we hit up an ice cream shop before heading home for the night.

He was a true gentleman and even walked me to the door.

"Thank you for tonight, it meant a lot to me," I told him softly.

He scoffed, "Anytime, Bella, really."

I gathered my nerves and reached up on my tiptoes to place a chaste kiss on his lips. They were soft and smooth, but there was no tingling fire like with Edward's kisses. Dev's arms were quick to wrap around me and pull me in even closer. But I was smart and only let it be a chaste kiss.

I pulled away and he looked down at me.

"What the hell was that for?"

"Because you're definitely one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for."

His face softened and he dipped down and kissed my cheek lightly before turning away.

"Night Bella."

I shouted goodnight before heading inside. It had been a good night.

***C***

The days passed slowly after that. I worked on my reading assignments for class and tried really hard not to think about certain things. It was depressing sometimes, but others, I got so far into my book that I forgot to live everyday life. Which was a nice relief. It helped to ease the anger... and I guess the pain. Mostly though, I was angry. And not even so much with _him_ anymore_,_no, it was more with myself, for letting it get that far, for almost giving myself up to him with no semblance of returned feelings on his part. It was difficult to accept that, but I eventually did, and then placed the blame solely on myself. And that made things a bit easier to swallow. I took a deep breath and vowed to hold my head up high. To reclaim my self-respect. I promised myself there would never be another man who would do that to me again.

_Never... _

I texted Rose occasionally, too, checking in with her to see how things were going with Paul out there in Seattle. She said they were going really well with a wink and even sent me a beautiful picture of the lights over the water. And then she sent a picture of her and Paul holding each other on their snow covered balcony.

They looked so in love. It almost hurt to look at the picture, but I was happy for her at the same time.

And for a few minutes I wondered what the hell took them so long to find each other.

In my head, all I could come up with was that some things just happen when the time was right... and while it was a nice way to put it, it still made me sad.

But that only led me back to thinking about things that I didn't want to think about.

So I dropped it from my mind the best that I could and headed downstairs. Tonight, Carlisle and I were planning on playing a rousing game of Scrabble.

He had been my buddy lately. We went to see the _Grinch_ one evening, and I kept him company while he reviewed a new medical book that needed his approval. He was the one with the degree, so he had confirmed the facts that were in there.

Esme was out at her book club meeting, so we were alone for the evening. When Rose got back tonight we would be packing and in the morning we would be heading back to school. That would give us the weekend to rest up and recuperate before classes started up again on Monday. So I wanted to get in the last bit of time I could with him before I left.

I set out a couple of beers, for him of course, and a water for myself. I was fairly certain that Carlisle really wouldn't mind if I popped open a Budweiser in front of him, but I was still beating back the flames of embarrassment from what happened the last time I drank, so I was saving the drinking for when I got back to college where no one would judge me.

"Evening Bella," Carlisle said setting his briefcase down on the counter.

He had been out at dinner with a colleague and promised to make it back in time for our Scrabble match. This was a tradition for us. We were the nerds in the family, and while everyone else could play and play well, we were the only ones who really enjoyed the game. Carlisle and I made plans a couple times a year to play. It was something that I very much looked forward to and I think he did too.

I got some sick pleasure out of kicking his ass.

What can I say?

"Ready to have your ass handed to you?" I asked nonchalantly.

He beamed down at me, "Only if you are!"

I laughed and sat down at the kitchen table, where I had set the game and munchies up.

"Oh and a beer too, what did I do to deserve this?" he said loosening his tie and shedding his jacket before sitting down.

I shrugged, not really answering.

He smirked at me and once again I had to look away. _Why did it have to look exactly like Edward__'__s?_

I still didn't look up at him as I divided the tiles.

Carlisle and I played a few words and he even spit his beer out when I laid down _oxyphenbutazone_for a crushing forty-one points.

"Do you even know what that is?" he asked incredulously.

I smirked at him, because I wasn't as dumb as I looked. "Yeah, it's an anti-inflammatory. I had to take some this past October for a sprained ankle."

Yeah, I was really clumsy, it was true. But I was working on it.

He smiled brightly at me and shook his head in disbelief.

We traded back and forth, smaller words that weren't worth too many points and I was pretty confident I was going to win. To be honest, I was damn near positive I was going to, I could almost taste it.

"That's fine, but I've got one better," he said before laying down his tiles.

QUIZZICALITY

I raised an eyebrow at him and was just about to challenge him when I remembered he'd played that same word last summer. See this past summer I had broken my big toe on my left foot, and I couldn't really walk around. My balance is bad to begin with but throw in a broken toe and it's damn near nonexistent, so Carlisle was nice enough to play a few extra games that summer with me. Both of us trying to one up each other with longer and higher point words.

That was one of them.

Forty-four mother fucking points.

"Cheat!" I shouted, not really meaning it.

He smirked, "Read it and weep baby."

"Ugh whatever, you win," I said handing him the score sheet.

That was the thing with this family; you got to keep the score sheet or card if you won. And he won, fair and square.

Carlisle smirked and looked over the sheet again. "It was close."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Whatever."

I sat there pouting for a minute, while Carlisle leaned back in his chair and finished off his second beer.

Rose came in dusting the snow off of her black pea coat, looking mighty fine and right behind her was Paul stomping the snow off of his boots.

"Hey guys," Carlisle said, standing up from the table and pulling Rose into a hug.

"Paul, son, how was the drive?" Carlisle asked, greeting him with a hug, too. It was adorable how the whole family rallied around Paul and Rose. I was so happy for them; it was great to see my friends find the happiness they deserved.

"It was good, long though."

Carlisle nodded; he knew just how long the drive from Seattle was, since he drove it twice a month for hospital related business.

"So who won?" Rose asked motioning to the Scrabble board.

"I did of course," Carlisle boasted with a grin and we all laughed.

After a little more chatting Paul headed home and not ten minutes later Esme came strolling in.

Rose and I chatted with her for a few minutes, she went on about the new book for the month and how it was racy and very sexually explicit. I smiled and giggled, while Rose blushed and got a little embarrassed.

I laughed because she knew her mother and father had a healthy sexual relationship and would probably be trying all the kinky shit Esme was reading about. I shuddered at those thoughts.

"Well, Bella and I have to pack and get our shit together for tomorrow," Rose said practically dragging me out of the room.

We both headed up the stairs two at a time and stormed straight for her room. I had to admit that when I passed his empty room it shot a pang of something through me, but I tried my damnedest to ignore it.

Once safely closed inside Rose's room with the music playing loud enough that Carlisle and Esme couldn't hear the conversation we were about to have from the hallway, Rose started jabbering about her trip.

She told me about the restaurants that Paul took her to and then about the shit they did. Like sightseeing and they even saw a play. Blah, blah, blah... let's get to the good stuff, shall we?

"Rose hon, I'm so fucking glad you had a good time, but really can't you tell me the part I really want to know about?"

She smirked and I could tell just from that, she had done the horizontal tango with Paul.

She nodded sheepishly. "It wasn't the first night, though," she added softly.

_Who the hell am I to judge?_

"So when was it?" I wondered, like any good friend would.

"It was Tuesday night, the second night. Paul had taken me to dinner and we even went dancing afterwards. It wasn't like planned or anything. It just sort of happened."

I raised an eyebrow at her and she let out a girlish giggle that was completely unlike her.

"Well, we were kissing and stuff and then I guess I sort of _showed_him that I was ready for more."

And that made me think of Edward's words. He told me that I had _showed_him that I wanted more, but when he went to get more, I passed out like a fool.

"Was it good?"

She grinned and that meant it was. Up until Tuesday, Rose was a card carrying virgin as well. She had vowed years ago that she was saving herself for Paul. She loved him and I was so damn happy everything worked out for her.

"The first time was a little uncomfortable, you know, but I have... my little blue friend so it wasn't _as_bad as it could've been," she said quietly.

I nodded; I knew all about her little blue friend, I had to go with her to get it. And of course the fucking perv working there thought we were together as a couple.

I had a pink friend too.

"But after that," she said biting her lip, "it was so fucking good. He was so gentle and caring, Bella. I don't think I could have asked for more."

I felt a shiver go up my back, not because I wanted to bone Rose, but because that could've been me if I hadn't passed out.

I nodded.

"So what was your week like?" she wondered.

I went through the motions of telling her about all the reading I did, and then the lovely afternoon I spent with her mom and I showed her my nails. She smiled at the pretty blue color, and I told her it was in honor of her, my best friend. That, she laughed at. After I told her about the friend date with Dev and my movie and Scrabble game with Carlisle she asked the dreaded question.

"Have you heard from him?"

I shook my head and sighed. "Have you?"

I knew she had, they always checked in with one another. But she nodded anyways.

"Did he say anything?"

"Not really, he just asked how things were, that's all. He didn't seem to like that I was up in Seattle with Paul. He wondered who was back at the house with you too."

_So he did mention me..._

"Whatever, he can try to pull all that protective bullshit, but he's got to realize you're a grown woman and you can handle yourself. Especially against the likes of Paul."

"He needs to realize you're a grown woman too," she said softly.

I scoffed, "Oh, I think he gets that, he just doesn't want this woman."

Rose rolled her eyes. We chatted for a while longer about her trip before breaking off to pack up our stuff.

It was a little past midnight when I finally zipped my last suitcase and had double checked everything.

I slipped into bed and made myself think about school. I knew if I didn't, my mind would wander back to something that I didn't want it to think about.

And with the last thoughts about my old, hairy professor, I finally drifted off to sleep.

***C***

The next morning was lived in a haze. I hadn't really slept well again. I had just laid there in an unconscious state. At least, that's what it felt like when I got up.

Two cups of coffee later and I still was feeling groggy.

Carlisle and Paul loaded in our bags and we proceeded to say our goodbyes.

Esme reminded us that the spring semester would be over before we knew it and we would be right back home after that. My gut turned a little bit at that thought. But I was okay, because Edward rarely visited in the summer.

I smiled at them both and thanked them, like I always did, before giving them both a huge hug.

I waited while Rose gave Paul a few chaste kisses and then one not so chaste. I could see that she was having a hard time leaving him. Eventually they pulled apart and he helped her into the Jeep, while I hopped in on my side.

Rose and I waved like mad women as she beeped the horn furiously on her way out of the driveway.

The ride was quiet for a while, then finally I asked Rose what I had wanted to ask her for a while.

"Hey, do you think, once we get back to school, that you could maybe give me a makeover?"

She looked at me with her brows furrowed together. "Why?"

"Because, I want to get out there. You know? Meet guys. Try to move on, and I think a new look would really give me that pick-me-up I need."

She smiled, a look of understanding in her eyes. "Bella, you're beautiful as it is, I don't think you need it, but sure we can change up a few things. Maybe some highlights and a new cut to start."

I thanked her quickly before plugging in my iPod and blasting some good tunes.

Time to head back to reality, without the Christmas present I'd hoped for.

* * *

**So what did you think of Bella's bonding time with Carlisle and Dev?**

**How about that beginning? hmmm?**

**And what do you think of Bella getting a make over? Moving on? Think it'll all happen? **

**See you Wednesday for some Tick Tock & of course on Friday for the Teaser! **


	19. I'm Gonna Wash That Man Out of My Hair

**Welcome back! That had to be the quickest weekend to fly by ever. So yeah... **

**Thank you MC for being the best in everything! I truly mean that! You are the ying to my yang darling!**

* * *

**Chapter 19**

**BPOV**

Rose helped me change my look. It was cathartic and made me feel like a brand new person; at least on the outside. I was still working on the inside. Now when I looked in the mirror, my hair was shorter and I had highlights flowing through it. Definitely a big change from anything I'd had in the past. Valerie, my stylist, seemed to really know what she was doing, so I went with all of her suggestions.

They were good ones. Enough to make me feel different, but not enough so I wouldn't recognize myself when I looked in the mirror.

Rose assured me I looked gorgeous, which was a little relief, considering there was about six inches of hair on the floor after it was all over.

"Bella, you look fucking fab! Val did such a great job! I can't wait to show you off tomorrow night!" she said brightly as we left the shop.

"Thanks," I said, a little lost for the right words.

I was nervous, about going out and about my new look, but I guess nerves were a good thing. It was better than heartache or sadness.

My head seemed to be in a better place. Yes, I was still upset, heartbroken actually, because it had only been a week. But I did feel better since being back at school and in my regular routine. It was certainly easier to be away from the scene of the crime, so to speak.

I was determined to move on. To live my life as best I could, and not dwell on 'what could have beens'.

***C***

It was finally time to reveal the new me. Nerves rushed to the surface.

_Deep breath… _

Rose and I had gone dress shopping, both of us needing something to wear to Homer's party. Yes, that was what Eric went by ever since he came here. I didn't question it and neither did anyone else. So he was just Homer…

He was a friend, acquaintance really to me at least. Rose knew him better. She had some classes with him.

Rose grabbed a blue dress that was fun and flirty. It hugged her hips, but both the neckline and the hemline were a bit more conservative then what she used to wear. She looked good, but considering Paul was back home and wouldn't be at the party with us, and she wasn't looking for a man, she didn't go all out when choosing her dress.

I wasn't completely surprised by her choice, but I was still impressed by how gorgeous she looked in it.

I went for the bright red number that had a mini hemline and a sweetheart neckline. I might not have had much in the tit department, but when I put it on I felt like I had a C-cup. Yeah, it worked some serious wonders. I had no doubt I would be able to pick up a man tonight - I liked the confidence I felt from wearing that dress.

"You look hot B, but are you sure you really wanna go out like that?" she asked and I knew why she was double checking.

I was asking for attention and I was probably going to get some.

Before… I never particularly enjoyed that kind of thing. But now… Now I wanted all of the attention. I was tired of sitting on the sidelines.

Now I was shouting at the world to bring it on and send me Mr. Right.

I nodded, "Yeah, I'm good, I got this."

"Okay, cool!" she said, smiling brightly at me.

It was nine on New Year's Eve and Rose and I were just about to leave.

"Cell, check. Keys, check," Rose murmured to herself as she went through the purse she was bringing. Man, she had a lot of shit in that thing.

I, on the other hand, was playing it safe and bringing just my phone, which I planned to slip into my dress when I didn't feel like carrying it.

Rose and I had spent the evening sipping wine and getting ready. Sure, wine was an expellable offense, but when your RA was handing it to you on New Year's Eve, most wouldn't bat a fucking eyelash to take it and celebrate.

Which meant we were walking to Homer's party, but that was fine. I didn't care. It was only five minutes away anyways. And even in four inch heels, that wasn't too bad for me. I just hoped the streets weren't going to be too icy… No need for any broken ass bones tonight.

"Come on Rose, if you forgot something I'll trek my ass back here and get it for you."

She whined and then hurried to the door, we gave the room one last look, checking to make sure all curling irons and straighteners were off, before shutting the door and locking it.

"Did you tell Paul that we were going out tonight?" I asked as we got to the parking lot.

"Yeah, why?" she said hurriedly.

"Because he's over there," I said pointing across the tarred expanse to a man leaning up against a car.

"You're shitting me..." she whispered under breath.

"No Rose, I am in fact not shitting you," I said with a grin and a wave of my arm in his direction.

We headed over to him and when we got closer we could see he was sporting an enormous smile.

"Evening ladies," he greeted us, pushing off the car.

"So when you said you were headed over to Dev's to drink yourselves into oblivion, you were lying?" Rose asked with an eyebrow raised, looking like she was pissed.

But I knew my best friend; this was not what she looked like when she was pissed. She was just teasing.

"Well, the thought of giving you a kiss at midnight seemed a whole hell of a lot better to me than getting drunk in a dingy basement, but if you would prefer, I can head back home," Paul said reaching for the handle of the car, teasing her right back.

Rose stopped him, though, and pulled him into a passionate kiss, making me pull out my phone and begin to scroll through it, pretending like I didn't know they were kissing.

They pulled apart and finally acknowledged my presence again.

"So Paul, you gonna be our DD?" I asked as I pulled the handle on the back door.

"Sure ladies. Whatever you would like."

Paul was the greatest and this night just got a little bit better!

***C***

We found that Paul and Homer had a lot in common and they really enjoyed talking with each other, which was great for Rose and me. It meant that we got to dance with each other without making him feel like he was left out.

Of course, I don't think he felt too left out, because he was snapping pictures of us as we were bumpin' and grindin' the whole night through. We were hot and sexy, and then every once in a while we would both give him a silly face.

Rose and I just loved letting loose and having fun with great music flowing all around us.

With the occasional tequila break, Rose and I were getting pretty hammered.

Sweaty bodies were rubbing up against each other and our seemingly innocent girl on girl dancing was getting more and more racy.

That was about the time that Jimmy showed up.

He walked through the door and I was so happy to see him that I shouted "JIMMY" at the top of my lungs and rushed over to hug him.

James or Jimmy, as he preferred to be called, was a great guy. He and I had hung out together many times in the past three years I had been at WSU. But like Dev, he wanted more, except he wasn't quite as easy going about it as Dev. Dev understood where my heart belonged, while Jimmy tried to prove me wrong, but tonight I wanted the attention he normally flaunted on me and I was willing to accept what that meant.

I had braced myself for this… it was time to move on… from Edward. It was nice to know someone wanted me, and I knew Jimmy adored me and would treat me right.

Jimmy greeted me with his huge, gorgeous smile, he was always sporting, and his arms wound around me, bringing me into the kind of hug I needed.

My lungs filled with the musky scent of his cologne and I was in heaven.

He looked damn good in his white button down and black slacks too. His blond hair and blue eyes reminded me of Ryan, but Jimmy wasn't a ladies man, he was a genuinely great guy.

Anyways, he only ever had eyes for me... which up until last week was an issue, since he was so... so... determined, but now I wanted to try to take advantage of what I knew he had been offering me – a relationship, a real boyfriend. I thought it would be the perfect way to get out of the rut I found myself in.

"Hey Bella baby, you having fun?" he asked huskily in my ear, as he sat me down from the huge hug I had just given him.

I smiled as the room spun a bit; I took deep breath and held onto his arm.

"So much fun! But it just got funner since you got here," I said drunkenly, laying my hand on his chest and looking up at those killer eyes.

"Baby, how much have you had to drink?"

I shrugged, not really knowing. I was trying to remember, but I couldn't. "Eh, enough."

"Are you alone, sweetheart?" he asked as his hand wrapped around my waist and he pulled me into him.

I shook my head and the room started to spin again. I rested on his shoulder, a really great place to be.

"Who are you here with?"

"Rosie!" I shouted, taking another swig of my drink. So motherfucking good.

"Well, I don't see her anywhere. Do you wanna dance with me while we wait for her to come back?"

I nodded and giggled as the lights swirled in my eyes.

Jimmy wrapped his arm a bit tighter around me as he led me back into the living room where the dancing was going on.

He was careful and gentle with me and that was what I needed.

Homer was big man on campus... very well-known, and he was rich, I mean super rich because of his ridiculously successful parents. They were something special in the finance world, that was all I really knew, but I did know they gave a lot of money to their crazy ass son, for whatever he wanted. He in turn bought a fucking mansion near campus and that's where we all congregated to have the best good ole fashion college parties!

"Baby wrap your arms around my neck," Jimmy said in my ear, taking my drink from me and setting it down on the end table nearby.

I did as he asked and squished my body against his as we began to sway. Jimmy put his hands just above my ass, and ground his substantial arousal against my stomach. I wound my arms around his neck, running my fingers through his hair and over his broad, muscled shoulders; he really was an all-around perfect guy – good-looking, sexy, smart and nice. And, I really enjoyed spending time with him, and man, could he dance!

The song wasn't overly slow, but we moved at our own pace to the vibe of the music. It was a sexy song, and kind of appropriate I thought, chuckling to myself. It was an awesome version of Marvin Gaye's _Sexual Healing_, done by Sarah Conner featuring Ne-Yo.

His hands were doing an amazing job of relaxing me.

When the song ended and a new began, but we didn't stop dancing. No, it went on for a while.

We just kept dancing. And enjoying the fluid movements and closeness of each other's body.

His knee bounced in between my legs. I wasn't stupid; I knew what he was doing. And for once I was okay with it. I was ready for it.

For what felt like hours Jimmy's hands were all over me. But it wasn't making me feel hot and bothered. It did however make me feel sexy. Yeah, it just made me feel like I was something to be desired... someone who was wanted, on many levels.

The clock hit midnight while we were still dancing. The only reason I knew this was because of all the fucking people counting.

Jimmy dipped his head down to mine and kept on counting with them.

Then when he hit one his lips brushed mine.

He groaned and whispered against my lips, "You just made my whole year and it just started a second ago."

I shyly smiled up at him and replied, "Happy New Year." Like I said Jimmy was sweet, but he just wasn't... yeah well, he wasn't _him._But I knew I had to try.

Jimmy left for a few minutes every once in a while to go down a shot, but he wasn't getting nearly as hammered as Rose and I had been.

Speaking of Rosie, I still wasn't sure where she was at. I looked around again, but couldn't see her anywhere.

So one time when Jimmy excused himself, I went and tried to find her.

"Ro-o-sie, Ro-o-sie, come out, come out wherever you are…" I said in a sing-sing voice as I traipsed through the house trying to find her.

I walked through the hordes of people milling about everywhere, but I just couldn't find her. And God help me if I found her upstairs in a bedroom. I shook my head with a giggle as I found my way to the games room.

There they were. Rose and Paul.

In a corner wrapped up in each other. She was sitting on his lap and they were lightly kissing.

"Awe you guys are so fucking cute," I told them as I got closer.

Rose laughed and Paul smiled at me.

"I wish I had a man that would drive all the way up here to surprise me," I said softly, looking at him.

Rose's smile faded and Paul's eyes softened.

"Bella, hon, don't you think it's about time to get you home?" Rose asked.

I shook my head.

"There you are baby." I heard Jimmy say before he wrapped his arm around me again.

"Jimmy and I were just heading back to his place," I told her with a smirk.

We hadn't talked about it, but I didn't really think he would be all that opposed to it.

Rose looked pissed; she scrambled off of Paul's lap and grabbed my hand, dragging me away from the guys.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she asked finally stopping in front of the bathroom line.

I shook my head, this time the room didn't spin, so I knew I was sobering up a bit.

"Bella, you're really gonna go home with Jimmy?" she asked seriously.

I nodded, because really... what the hell, right?

I was done being little old Bella. Bella the virgin... Bella who was saving herself for _him_. Really, why the fuck had I saved myself for _twenty years_; who the hell did that anymore?

He'd made it crystal clear: he didn't want me or my virginity…

"Do you even realize what you're saying?" she asked searching my eyes.

She cared about me, I got that, enough to make sure I didn't make a mistake I would regret for the rest of my life.

"Yeah, I get it Rose… I'm good, I swear. Besides, this way you and Paul can have some privacy," I told her with a giggle.

She shook her head and glared at me before marching back to Paul.

"Just remember, you can never go back from that," she warned taking her seat back on his lap. "Bella," I turned back around and looked at her, "this will be a case when _all _is lost. Forever."

Paul's eyebrows shot up but he didn't comment. I was sure he knew what was going on, but he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

Jimmy and I said our goodbyes and on the way out I did three shots of my favorite tequila in all of forty-two seconds, because my buzz was waning and I knew I couldn't do this sober. I wasn't ready for that, but at the same time, I was sick and tired of waiting to be ready.

***C***

Jimmy's apartment was half way across campus and since we'd both been drinking, I didn't think it was a good idea for him to drive us.

So we walked.

It was cold, but it didn't stop me from wanting to accomplish my goal. I needed this, him.

We reached his door and he fiddled with the lock, while my lips locked on to his neck.

His free hand squeezed at my hip and he groaned as the door finally opened.

The guided tour through the place was done in a haze, since the tequila seemed to be really kicking in. I wanted to take full advantage of it, so I entwined my fingers through his and pulled him toward the hallway, and he led us stumbling to his bedroom.

Through the heaps of clothes scattered on the floor we made our way to the bed, falling on to it with a bounce.

I landed on top, giving him a quick smile before lowering my lips to his.

The kiss began soft at first then he deepened it, angling his head, and grabbing the back of mine to anchor me to him. His other hand was pulling at the cup to my dress and I was feeling okay with it. I knew I was going to have to let him touch me. But when his lips reached my nipple my skin started to crawl.

Then his hands moved down my dress to the hem and slid up my bare thighs. I hated the feeling and tried to wiggle up the bed, but to him he must've thought I was squirming. Like I was enjoying myself and becoming excited.

An overwhelming gagging sensation took over. Not from actual sickness, but from the fact that I couldn't get him off of me quick enough.

"It's okay baby, just be patient, we'll get to the good stuff," he breathed in my ear making my knee involuntarily come up and jam his thigh, just nearly missing his balls. He backed off of me immediately.

"What's the matter?" he asked looking very confused.

I shook my head trying to calm down, but the tears... they were right there and I just could not stop the torrent.

"You're... not _him_..." I choked out before I started sobbing.

_Fucking tequila!_ _Why did I try to do this again while drinking?_

_What the hell was wrong with me? Did I not learn enough of a hard and painful lesson last time?_

The questions just kept going through my head and I started to tremble.

"Fuck Bella... It's okay," he said tenderly running his hand through his hair. Then he touched my face gently.

"No... No-no, it's definitely not okay," I muttered trying to dry my eyes, but the tears just kept flowing through my hiccupped sobs.

"What can I do to make it okay, baby?"

I looked up at him and shook my head; there was nothing he could do. He couldn't be him if he tried. He couldn't take away the gut-wrenching pain in my heart and unrelenting ache I felt that expanded all throughout my body; no one could, and I was just… so… tired.

"Jimmy?"

"Yeah?" he whispered back, still holding me, still rubbing my back.

His tender touches were enough to ease the pain a little. They said so much without him having to utter a single word.

You'd think that after what we just did that things would be awkward, but they weren't. Jimmy was kind and so very sweet.

"Can I just stay here tonight? Can you just hold me, please?"

He nodded and pulled me to him even further. "Of course, Bella, anything, sweetheart."

Before I fell asleep though, he had offered me some clothes of his and I changed. Then I laid down next to him, letting his arms hold me while I cried, begging for sleep.

I saw my phone light up just before I closed my eyes, but I ignored it figuring it was Rose.

I snuggled in closer to Jimmy taking comfort in the warmth of his gentle embrace. "Thank you, Jimmy."

He kissed my forehead. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

* * *

**Okay so I'm sure some of you are torn... I know some of you want her to lose her v card before we meet up with Edward again and some of you are probably relieved that it wasn't here and now. **

**Let me know what you're thinking... **

**Did you like her make over?**

**Do you think she's growing from this experience? **

**What did you think of Jimmy? Not the normal James character huh?**

**See you on Wednesday for Tick Tock and of course on Friday for the Teaser! :) BTW, I had an anonymous reviewer ask if there was another way to get the teaser besides the FB group. I would be more than glad to include it in a reply to a review, but I can only do that if you left a signed in review. Let me know if you would like one!**


	20. Late Night Phone Calls

**MC, you are my rock and I love girly! Thank you so much for your help on this one! **

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 20**

**BPOV**

I'd gone about the last few months in a different light. My whole thought process had changed. I wanted peace and happiness in my life and there was just no way to do that while dwelling on something so negative. So while my heart couldn't truly forget the hold _he_ had on me, my mind was slowly letting go.

I'd been working on myself, now focusing on the inside as opposed to the outside. It was, of course, still a work in progress. I was using specific words that certain people had uttered to me. They would play through my mind, and thanks to psych class I would try to take a step back and analyze it.

It was helping me to realize how broken I was and where it all might have stemmed from. It might sound pathetic, but being nearly an orphan did a number on me. And I was clinging. Clinging to anyone who was in my life and was worth a damn because of the abandonment my parents had put me through. I guess I never realized how much their lack of attention affected me.

I wasn't dumb, I knew that things weren't perfect with me, but when Edward said those hurtful but truthful words, _"… the fact remains that you're still a little girl lost, looking for affection. You always have been and you always will be."- _I finally understood just how messed up I was really.

So I was trying new things.

Getting out.

I had been meeting new people.

Kate, who worked for the paper was fun. She also liked Frisbee, so I was even spending some time playing a game or two of that, when it wasn't raining or snowing. Getting out of the dorm, for whatever reason, was always a good thing.

Brianna and Mandy were great too. I met them in my psych class and we'd had some fun at the mall. They were typical college girls who loved to wish and want with window shopping.

Rose had been spending a good clip of time with Paul, so it left a lot of holes of time to fill and there was no way I could do that sitting on my ass in my dorm room. That wasn't healthy either.

So I got out there and was trying my damndest to have a normal college social life.

With men too. But I had to say that college guys really weren't doing it for me. There was nothing there to spark my interest.

I loved the way they looked, well most of them, but when I heard them drone on and on about their 'bands' that they were sure were going to 'make' it, I tuned out. And these guys were in their mid-twenties. I understood holding out hope for a dream come true, really I did. But I was cynical enough to understand that it wasn't going to happen.

Not only that, but these guys were all interested in the same thing. There was no emotional connection. They wanted sex and more sex. My body was not up for grabs.

I had attempted to sleep with Jimmy, a really sweet guy. It didn't work. Even flat ass drunk, there was just no having it.

Since being back at school, the most I could bring myself to do was kiss Jimmy a few times. They were nice and he was really a great guy, but it just wasn't enough to put my mind in a better place.

We had even tried a few friendly dates, but again it just didn't click. I really appreciated his effort, though; he really tried to make them wonderful. And we had fun together, which was really nice but just not enough for me.

He understood. But he also knew that I wanted to move on. So I think he was also waiting for that moment.

I couldn't blame him.

My life was still a fucking mess though.

Yeah... and my emotions were all over the place.

But it was worse now...

Way motherfucking worse than before.

How could it be worse you ask?

_*Buzz… Buzz… Buzz*_

Because it was two o'clock in the fucking morning and I woke up to my phone dancing its way across my nightstand.

"Hello," I answered groggily.

_Who the hell was calling me at two in the morning?_

"Bella," I heard a familiar voice slur my name and I cringed.

I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked down at it to make sure I wasn't hallucinating, like I thought I was; maybe I was dreaming... But I knew it was all too real when I saw the picture of Edward standing next to his baby, from the summer of last year, flashing across my phone screen.

Part of me wanted to put the phone to my ear and listen to the drunk garbage he was spewing, but another, smarter part of me, wanted to hit the end call button and toss the phone aside.

My curiosity won out. I held the phone up to my ear. I was a glutton for punishment. And by answering that fucking call I deserved what I got.

"What the fuck do you want, Edward?" I snapped when I heard a few words I could actually understand.

"She told me she's pregnant Bella, I don't know what to do, baby. I don't want her… I don't want this life…" His words were slurred, some jumbled. But I got the point _loud_ and _clear._

I immediately hit the end call button, not knowing what to say to him at all. My hand shook so badly I dropped the phone and then I had to lie down, my heart beating so fast I felt dizzy.

I ran my hand through my hair thinking about what he had just said to me. What the fuck was that even supposed to mean? I couldn't even process it.

I was still awake hours later when I saw the screen light up again, buzzing away. But I was strong enough to resist answering it. It wasn't happening. Not after all the pain and heartache he had put me through. Not now. I was just starting to feel better, happy even. This wasn't the time or the place.

I didn't need that shit, and I didn't deserve it. And yet, every time he'd get wasted and text me, I felt the need to stop whatever I was doing and read it.

This was the first and only phone call I'd answered; and if you looked at my phone you would see five or so texts from him as well. All unanswered. And surprisingly enough, he'd never left a message before.

The first one was from the night of the party with Jimmy. I found it that morning.

**You look beautiful. I hope you had a great time. Miss you, ****please ****call me when you get this****. ****-E**

It was the text that I had assumed was Rose. Sent when I was snuggled up to Jimmy.

Then I saw the calls started about an hour later after the text was sent. But he never left one message. Thank God, because I didn't want to be tempted to hear what he had to say. His words would've killed me.

_Why?_

I wondered for a few hours, as I nursed a massive hangover, who could've possibly sent him a picture. Then after some detective work or rather badgering Rose, I found out it was Paul. He had texted Edward a pic of Rose and I dancing away.

Rose took care of the yelling for me and Paul apologized. He told me it was more in the spirit to show Edward what he was missing than to give him eye candy to look at.

But that wasn't the worst part.

No, it was that Edward called Rose when he couldn't get a hold of me. Yeah and Rose told him where I was…with Jimmy, at his apartment…alone. Of course at that point she had no idea that I still maintained my v-card, so she might have made out that I was spending the night at his place as far as she knew.

Honestly, a small piece of me was sort of glad that he knew that, even if it wasn't true.

From then on, I would get the occasional text.

All were late at night and all said pretty much the same thing.

**Miss you... -E**

In one message he put he wished I was there with him. I hated him so fucking much. I hated the way I felt when I saw the texts roll in. The excitement, even though I didn't want to see them on my phone, was still there. The little thrill I got seeing his name next to the message.

I growled and rolled over hoping that I could ignore my phone for the rest of the night. Sleep had just started coming to me regularly. And now this shit from him. _How dare he?_

Sleep did come though, thankfully. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of affecting me to the point of no return. There was no use for that kind of behavior.

I was grumpy though because it was less rest than normal and that made for a very bitchy Bella. People were going to need to watch themselves, I was going to be on the warpath.

"What crawled up your ass this morning?" Rose asked after I had snapped at her for the third time that morning.

_Yeah… It was bad. _

"Your brother," I shot back at her as I tried to do something, anything with my hair before classes. I was becoming increasingly frustrated with my lifeless locks and even considered breaking out a razor and just ending them all.

Her brows sunk together and she looked confused. Then I took a calming breath, realizing that she probably had no idea of the personal hell I'd been through over the night.

"You know, how he's been texting me like once a week?" I asked, even though I knew she was well aware of them. She was the first one I told when I got a new one, and the first one to tell when I said I had deleted them.

Yeah... I had a problem.

She nodded.

"Well last night...really this morning, he called," I explained, trying like hell to be nicer, or at least little more pleasant.

"What?"

"Yeah, he called. I hung up, but before I was back asleep I could tell he called again."

"Where's your phone?" she asked looking really upset.

"Over there," I said pointing to the nightstand. She was over at it and the phone was in her hand before I could even say anything.

I saw her put the phone up to her ear and listen.

"Who are you calling?"

She shushed and I watched as her eyes opened wide and she looked like she was zoning. Whatever she was listening to must've been something.

Then she set the phone down before looking up at me.

"Bella, can you drop your hair for a sec and come over here."

"Sure, what's up?"

She handed me my phone and it was on the voice mail screen. She hit play and I listened.

It was Edward's deep voice. It was strained, like he'd been crying. But he'd been drinking… again. I could tell just by the way his words started to run together.

_"Bella. Talk to me...say anything. I miss you." _Then there was a noise in the background, it sounded like something falling or being thrown. _"I don't fucking want this, I can't-__"__H__e choked back a sob__.__ "I can't do this!" he screamed, making my skin prickle.__ "Christ, why do you have to be so far away from me. Don't you know this is hard enough as it is..." _He said more, but the phone was muffled and I couldn't make it out._ "Fuck baby," he whispered, "__I miss you, and… __I love you."_

My heart dropped. All the way to my feet. Tears stung my eyes, and my chest ached…again.

Yeah...that was tough to swallow.

That combined with the bullshit about Cinnabitch being pregnant was enough to put me over the edge again. I debated whether or not to tell Rose about the baby. I decided against it at that moment for the sake of my sanity, because maybe, just maybe I dreamt that whole event. And even if I hadn't and he really did tell me those words, he was clearly drunk. And I couldn't rely on what he said while he was so incoherent.

I took a deep calming breath and set my phone down, staring at it.

There was no way he could mean the garbage he was saying. He was drunk for God's sake. And the last time he was drunk, he told me implicitly that he didn't mean anything he did or said.

Yeah…

That was enough to pry me off the bed and force me to class.

Sure, I had a slight urge to call him back, knowing that he would probably be sober by now, but I couldn't. I couldn't let him get his way, no matter how he really felt. Not after all that happened. I just could not forgive and forget. Also, if _she_ was there and I heard her voice, or worse, she answered the phone…I wouldn't even know how to deal with that.

***C***

One morning I woke up to a slew of calls and voice mails. He must've been on another bender because he was drunk as fuck. I couldn't bear to listen to them all because really they hurt. Hurt really fucking bad! The tenor in his voice slipped and he sobbed into the phone. I could practically see him crying in front of me.

My head spun as I listened to the first few and of course tears flowed down my own cheeks.

"_Baby, I miss you. I love you so fucking much and I need you here with me. I don't think I can handle this all alone."_

"_She's killing me. I can't take this…or her." _

"_When I can get away, I'm coming to you, because you're the only place I really feel at home with. Call me Bella… I need you__.__"_

They went on, but I couldn't bear to listen to them all. I just could not understand why he was doing this to me…why he wanted to hurt me…over and over again.

My chest ached so fucking bad and all I wanted to do was curl up in a fucking ball.

Rose had already left for her early morning lab, so I was alone and I didn't like it; feeling so overwhelmed with confusion and upset.

My hand itched to call him back regardless. No, I was not a sucker for punishment; I was somewhat stronger now, and definitely not so naive.

I wanted to give him a piece of my fucking mind, but if I was being honest with myself, I knew if I rang him back I would just end up giving him a little piece of my heart instead.

So I did the only logical thing I could think of…

"Dev, it's me," I said softly when he picked up.

Dev and I had been talking on and off since I was back at school, but like Paul and Rose, our schedules didn't exactly mash up well, so it was tough to find time to really have a decent conversation.

He knew all about the shit Edward was pulling and he wanted to fly across the country and kick the living shit out of him.

I laughed at that, because really, boys were boys and I didn't want to see Dev getting in trouble for kicking E's ass for being a douche.

Last week though, was a good week. I was telling him about the little librarian here on campus. Her name's Angela and she's literally like the sweetest thing. And not to mention that she's a petite brunette and I happened to know that he really went for that look. So after chatting with her about guys and her relationship status, I handed her his number and told her to call him.

It turned out that even though she was quiet gal, she totally manned up and gave him a call.

So I was really happy about that. Dev deserved to be happy with someone as sweet as him. I hoped it worked out.

"What's up B?"

"He called again...left tons of messages," I choked out, trying not to cry. Really, I was willing myself not to waste the tears on him. I knew, I completely understood just how much he truly was not worth my tears.

Dev took a deep breath and sighed.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?"

"I-I...I don't even know..."

"It's just like him to wait until it's too late and waste something that could've been so wonderful," he commented caringly.

I smiled at that, but I didn't say anything.

"Lay it all on me B, I'm here for you...always," he said before I began to break down.

Dev was awesome though, he kept me company for a while and we were able to really talk for the first time since I'd been back at school.

I told him everything…including Edward's jumbled up shit about Cinnacunt being pregnant.

"He fucking deserves it if she is," he said darkly. "He might be one of my best friends, but I don't feel the least bit sorry for him; he made his proverbial bed, now he's gonna have to be chained to it, if it's true."

I sighed in agreement. I didn't really know what I wanted for him.

Even though, at the moment he was the asshole who broke my heart, I wasn't totally sure that I wished a demon child on him. If that happened…well I guess if that happened, I would have to get over him, right?

So maybe it would be a good thing?

Fuck…I was so confused.

***C***

Another month passed and we were just two weeks away from spring break. A much needed break from life. Rose and I were heading home, back to Forks for a week so we could see our family, enjoy some good Esme food and study a bit before finals. It was going to be a little slice of heaven.

I was starting my day, like I was accustomed to now. I would wake up, sit up and pick up my phone. There was always at least one message, sometimes there was more than one. Each of them were even more heart wrenching than the last; they all hurt. But I'd gotten really good at hitting delete before my curiosity bubbled over.

Rose, I guess, had talked to him, but all he wanted was to hear my voice, or at least have some kind of connection to me he'd said. She explained to him that he blew it, and he needed to leave me alone, but he told her she didn't know what she was talking about. They ended the call in a screaming match because he wouldn't give up on wanting to talk to me. It fucking killed me that she was fighting with him over this. She didn't deserve to be dragged into our shit fest because we couldn't figure ourselves out.

That was the last I had heard about him from her and that was a week ago. That night there was six calls all with voice mails. One might say to just answer it and talk to him. One might even say that I should just bite the bullet and love him back that would be easier, right? That would be far more enjoyable. But he left. He went back home to NYC, to her, after he had spent the night with me. We could've...we almost...yeah and he still went home. And I didn't even know for sure that he wasn't still with her. It was surely a possibility. And hell, now with the fucking garbage about her being pregnant… But I would hope he wasn't home when he was making his drunken blubbering phone calls, because she would probably get pissed when he started howling about how much he missed me and loved me.

I'd figured out a really good strategy though, between always double checking my phone to see who was calling and shutting it off at night, it was working out pretty well. And I was focusing on school. Like really focusing. Rose and I studied a lot. To the point that I brought my already great 3.5 GPA up to a 3.9 in just a couple of months. Yep, we were diving into our studies. Rose was pretty happy about it too, because that meant she wasn't obligated to go out and party because of me. She didn't really enjoy going out without Paul and he wasn't able to come up much with his work schedule.

Paul was an electrician working for a big construction crew and he was making the big bucks. But if he didn't show for a job when he was supposed that meant he could lose his contract with them, so he did what he had to do and kept on working. It sucked for them, but they both made the effort to see each other at least on the weekends. Rose felt bad leaving me alone, but I scoffed. I was fine. I studied. And I meant it; I was so happy for her. It was hard at first, but now, I just put on some music and didn't let myself think about anything else.

***C***

"Listen, I think we should bring some snacks, it's a long drive and everyone else is gonna be headed home," I told Rose as we headed out to her Jeep.

"Bella, it's a three hour drive. No one else is headed home, they're all headed to fucking Mexico and we're the only poor souls that are going back to motherfucking Forks," she snapped in frustration.

"You're just pissed because you're not headed there too."

She scowled at me.

It was true though. Rose had been begging Paul to get some time off so that they could spend spring break on a nice warm beach, but he just couldn't get it off. The construction company he was working for was currently working on a huge condo project and it would mean that Paul would finally have enough money to put a down payment on a house like he had been wanting to do for a while now. But he hadn't told Rose about it, so she didn't really know how important the work really was, he was planning on surprising her with it when he bought it. That way, in a few months when we had graduated, she would have a place to call home and someone who loved her…

_Sigh… _

"Do you want something at the vending machine, 'cause I'm at least getting myself something before I leave."

She shrugged, which meant a bag of M&Ms and some plain Lay's potato chips. Yeah we were that close of friends.

"I'll be right back," I said before taking off across the parking lot.

"You better move your ass, Swan," she hollered after me, it was an empty threat though.

Down in the lounge I ran into Jimmy.

"Hey baby Bella," he said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as I waited for my purchase to fall.

"Hey Jimmy, how are you this morning?" I asked as I reached for the chips.

"Good, I can't wait until tonight, when I'll be on my way to Me-hi-co though," he said grinning like a fool.

I smiled back at him.

"You haven't reconsidered my offer, have you?"

I shook my head, because I had no desire to drink my face off for a whole week in Mexico without Rose, and in all honesty, a week back in Forks sounded a hell of a lot better than a week thinking about nothing but _him_. At least with the Cullens, I had a chance of keeping my mind off of things because I knew I had their love and support to help me.

He nodded and pecked my lips. I wished him a safe trip and he promised to see me back here in a week.

A few minutes later my arms were piled up with snacks and we were headed back home.

We rode in silence for about an hour. The music poured out of the speakers and vibrated through my limbs. It was good, relaxing even, and it was so fucking loud that I couldn't concentrate on anything long enough to actually think about it.

That was before Rose's slender fingers reached up and slipped around the volume knob making me want to smack her hand out of the way.

"B, I wanted to tell you…" she began, reaching for an M&M.

"Oh yeah? What's up?"

"Ryan's throwing a party tomorrow night," she told me, her big blues glancing over at me.

I nodded in acknowledgment.

"So I was wondering if you thought you'd be up to going to something like that."

I shrugged. I wasn't really in the partying mood, but it would be nice to see the guys and to hang out with them without _him_ around. And I knew he wouldn't be there because he was still in New York getting things settled and ready to start that job in Seattle soon.

"Sure, why not?"

"Sweet! Thank you so much!" she said excitedly as she leaned over to give me a hug.

"No problem." Because really it wasn't. I missed the guys something wicked and who knew…it might actually be fun, right?

I sure as hell hoped so.

* * *

**She's changing/growing... making some progress, what do you think of that?**

**Edward is drunk dialing her about all sorts of crazy stuff, what are your thoughts on that?**

**And how about that party?**

**:)**


	21. Spring Break

**Hello darlings! My husband is amazing and I'm able to post this without internet! Yay! Don't ask me how, but he's awesome! **

**As always, many thanks to my beautiful beta MC!**

* * *

**Chapter 21**

We had unpacked and settled back into our respective rooms. I couldn't lie, the pain was still there. Seeing his room, his things, it all hurt. But I moved on. I kept walking, right to my room, which surprisingly brought comfort.

The familiar walls and bedding made me smile.

Even the smell made my muscles relax.

It was almost easier to breathe when I sat down on the corner of my bed and took in everything.

Yes, my room had pictures on the wall and personal items sprinkled throughout.

This wasn't your everyday guest room.

No, this was Bella Swan's room and if you didn't like it, too fucking bad.

The memories though, were starting to burn. They were right there…and I couldn't just ignore them…or think about something else. It wasn't as if it were that easy. Nothing like that ever was. His face, his eyes…all staring at me.

And then, on my bedside table. There it was…my Christmas gift from him. I originally had wanted to bring it back to school with me when I left. But in a split second decision I took it from my bag and tossed it on the table. I just couldn't bear to have it with me at the time, after all that had happened.

It was there taunting me. To look at it. To feel it. To touch it.

But after everything, I couldn't bring myself to go near it.

His last words had haunted me. Angered me. And enraged me. I didn't want any part of him near me then, but now…my fingers were ready to spend some time flipping through it.

I quickly grabbed it and settled myself comfortably on the edge of my bed, carefully opening the priceless book. I swept over the curling pieces of paper and the old photos.

It was hard to believe, but I think looking at it now struck me harder than it had on Christmas day.

I closed my eyes and bowed my head as the tears slid unrelentingly down my cheeks and dripped on to the last page.

***C***

"Bella, honey, have I told you just how much I love your new hair?" Esme asked, coming up behind me and running her fingers through the now shorter length, when we came down after putting our stuff away.

I shrugged, because she had, but it was nice to hear again.

"It's absolutely stunning. The color is fabulous."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"The boys at school must've noticed, right?" she asked, prying in her motherly way.

I shrugged again, because while Jimmy had noticed, there was just nothing to talk about there. We were still just friends and I knew that's what she really wanted to know.

"I'm sure there's been someone, right?"

"Well, there was Jimmy, but we're just friends now," I told her honestly. Hell, she was like a mother to me and I knew my own mother wouldn't give a shit about my dating life, so I figured I might as well tell her.

She smiled genuinely at me and then asked all about him.

I pretty much told her everything, sparing a few details that I never wanted to rehash and she gossiped like a teenager with me.

"He's perfectly handsome and very sweet, but…things just wouldn't work out between us like that."

She nodded in understanding.

"Baby, bring Bella out here and share her, will you?" Carlisle hollered from the kitchen.

We had been in the living room having our little girl talk session.

We had been hanging out with Esme and Carlisle all day. They even took us out for lunch.

Esme said her charity was finally taking off and Carlisle promised us he was going to hit the links real soon so he could burn off some of his winter weight gain.

***C***

"Hey B, do you need help finding something for the party tonight?" Rose asked as she stepped in to my room.

"Sure," I murmured, as I closed my book. I was reading my book for English Lit. I might be home on a break, but I was keeping up my study habits. I wanted to make sure I didn't slip.

She started searching through my closet until she had laid out the perfect outfit for me.

"You want me to handle your make-up and hair?" she asked looking all kinds of excited.

So I nodded to give her some happiness.

I wanted to party, yes. But did I really feel the need to be all dolled up, no.

It took her about an hour to get my waves just right and make sure that my make-up looked pristine. I smiled at her enthusiasm. She was so fucking excited to be going out with Paul that it was adorable.

I dressed in my skinny jeans, fitted scoop neck and heels before heading downstairs.

"Bella, Rosie, darlings, don't you look pretty," Carlisle said softly, before pulling me into a hug.

I smiled and thanked him.

"Oh yes, look at you two, stunning as ever," Esme agreed smiling.

"Okay, we'll be back late, don't wait up," Rose told them, before pulling me out the door as I grabbed my coat.

It might be almost April, but the air was still cold.

Rose's four inch heels clacked loudly across the driveway to the car. Her skinny jeans matched mine, but she opted for a red boat neck. She looked absolutely stunning. And while I had just simple stud earrings and a long gold necklace, Rose went for big hoop earrings and a few rings.

Paul had even given her a ring. Not anything serious, yet. Even though I suspected it wasn't going to be too far off into the future. But this was just a ring for the sake of giving your girlfriend something pretty to wear. At least that's how she explained the black opal ring to me.

Paul had surprised her with it after taking her out to dinner two weeks ago. She said she loved it, but when she asked him why, he told her that it was just because he loved her.

"Aren't you pumped?" Rose asked turning down the blaring music.

"Yeah, this should be fun," I told her with a real smile.

I meant it too. The last party I had been to was the New Year's Eve mess. Sure, Jimmy and I had gotten together on several occasions and just drank and watched a movie, but I hadn't been to an actual party since then. So I was looking forward to having a little fun; I definitely needed to let loose.

"Where is this place?"

"Oh, it's at Ryan's house, can you believe he bought a place?" Rose said, looking entirely shocked.

Yeah Ryan didn't seem like the most commitment prone person out there, but he was twenty nine, so I could see why he did it.

"Kinda, yeah. It's better than bringing chicks home to your parents every night," I joked with a laugh.

Rose burst into a great big belly laugh. "Good one."

We pulled up and Paul and Emmett were out front waiting for us.

Em propped my door open for me and helped me out of the car. His low whistle made me blush.

"Damn, you never stop looking good, do you?"

"Em, if this is good, then you need to start looking at better porn."

He chuckled as we walked around the Jeep to see Rose and Paul kissing like fools.

"Awe, gag me with a fucking spoon guys," Em told them trying not to laugh, as they broke apart.

"Oh, Emmy, you're just jealous, you need to find a good woman that'll handle you," Rose told him.

"That's my Katie, but she's still at Georgia for the next couple of weeks."

"Wait a second, you met someone?" I asked, shocked. Emmett had always been a sweetheart, but I really didn't see him or Ryan settling down any time soon.

"Yeah, I was working on some plans and this little hellion told me how to do my job and I fucking loved it. She's sexy as hell too!" Em said excitedly.

I linked my arm through his as we walked to the front door.

"Tell me all about her."

I found out that Katie was going to Georgia tech. She's blond, about my height, with deep green eyes. I had to side with him on the eyes front. I knew green eyes were killers and it was easy to get sucked into their depths.

"So, do you think she'll be working with you on the bridges around here when she gets back?" I wondered.

Emmett was a bridge engineer for the greater Forks area and he was damn proud of what he did. It surprised me when he said that some little girl came in and told him how to do his job and he liked it.

"Nah, she's going to be doing nautical stuff like ports and levies, but whatever it is, she's going to be fucking amazing at it."

I watched his dark eyes light up when he was talking about her, and I could see clearly just how serious he was about this new girl.

We walked into the house and I was instantly greeted by Ryan. He was standing there with a solo cup ready and raring to go.

"So what, you have a house now, but we're still drinking like we're in high school?" I joked.

"Hey, don't diss the solo cup, it's God's gift to partying."

I hip checked him lightly and wrapped my arm around his waist.

"So Mr. Homeowner, why don't you show me around?"

His hand clapped on to my waist as we weaved through the people. Ryan was still a party animal, that much was certain.

Ryan led me through the house showing me all there was to see on the first floor. And what surprised me the most was that it was really nice. Not only the house itself but also his taste in décor.

"Wow, it's gorgeous."

"Thanks, it took me a while to get everything situated, but I think I've finally got it."

"That's wonderful. So I guess it really is time for a party!"

"Damn right! If I can't celebrate being poor, then I don't know what I can party about."

I lightly smacked his chest., "You know you're not poor."

"Yeah well I'm boring; no one ever believes I'm an accountant when I tell them."

I shook my head.

"So what happened with Tiffany?"

"We had sex," he told me bluntly.

I guess I should've been a little shocked by his statement, but Ryan was an upfront kind of guy. So I guess I should just appreciate his brash honesty.

"Did you ever see her again?"

He pursed his lips and shook his head.

"I'm sorry," I told him honestly. That was all I ever wanted for the guys, was happiness. I was so glad Paul had found that with Rose and now Emmett with that Katie girl.

But I was afraid Ryan wouldn't find it.

As I looked out into the crowd I could see Devin with his arm wrapped around a slender brunette. Even from the back I could tell he was with Angela and that made me so happy.

"I'm not, she was dumb as shit."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Someday, I'm sure you'll find your queen."

"Yeah," he scoffed. "Come on Swan, I need another drink."

I followed him in to the kitchen where we found Jackson, swigging back a beer, looking less homeless than usual.

"Hey man, what's up?" I greeted.

"Not much, just hanging around."

"What's with the look?" I wondered.

"I'm just trying something new."

I nodded; getting a whiff of what I thought was cologne.

He even smelled nice.

Awe they were all growing up so fast.

I guess that was all it took was for one of them to find love and the rest jumped on the train as fast as they could.

Ryan was about to leave, but I reminded him that he still owed me a tour of the upstairs before the night was over.

"Sure thing sugar, just find me when you want to see it," he said with a wink, making me giggle.

I turned back around to talk to Jackson, only to find him off in the corner talking to a small group of people. That in itself was pretty surprising, paired with the new look, I was starting to think he'd been abducted by aliens or something.

I hopped off the stool and went out into the living room, looking for Rose.

She was there, sitting on Paul's lap on the couch. They looked like the perfect item.

"Hey," I said as I passed by. They both waved but stayed where they were, looking more than content with one another.

I wandered my way through the people until I reached Dev.

"Hey buddy," I whispered coming up behind him.

"You made it," he said happily.

"Yeah, I told you I thought I was going to."

He shook his head with a smile. "I'm so glad you're here. I've been meaning to thank you."

"Oh yeah?" I asked with a little eyebrow action.

"Yeah, Angela is awesome, I don't think I would've ever found her if it weren't for you."

I smiled sweetly at his words and patted his hand letting him know, silently, that he owes me nothing.

"Just seeing you happy is thanks enough," I promised him. "And I think I owed you, you have been a great friend, Dev."

"Well either way, Bella, thank you so much. She's a great girl."

I nodded and smiled.

We stood there people watching for a few minutes as new songs started and then went on to another.

"So have you heard from… ahem…Edward?" Dev finally asked, looking at me with nothing but concern on his sweet face.

I knew the question was coming. I hadn't mentioned him in a few weeks and I was sure Dev was waiting for just the right moment to start asking about him.

"Yeah, but nothing other than drunken text messages and voicemails."

He nodded in understanding before taking a sip of his drink, while I sighed to myself.

Angela joined us a few minutes later, smiling and handing Dev a fresh beer.

"Hey Ang, how's it going?" I asked smiling.

A big smile spread across her face and she looked up into Devin's eyes. "I'm good, great actually."

We talked for a few minutes before breaking off again.

Time had flown by and I was hoping to meet up with Ryan again, before he found someone else to entertain him for the evening.

The thought might be deemed irrational or even crazy to some, but I felt something with him. Light, happy… They were things that I hadn't felt in months. It was as close as I had been to _me_ in a long time.

Ryan was surrounded by friends in the foyer discussing numbers, of all things. Sure, it might be a normal thing for most accountants, but not Ryan. He was brilliant, but he liked to keep it under wraps for the most part. I wasn't sure if it was because he was embarrassed or if it was because he didn't want people to know the real Ryan beneath the cool swagger, the witty lines, or the husky voice. Accountant really didn't fit him, but he was damn good at it. And judging by the house it was working out well for him.

"Hey," I whispered coming up and snuggling into his side.

His eyes lit up and smiled down at me.

"You finally came to find me, I see?"

I nodded.

"Alright, just give me a sec and then I'll show you the rest," he said softly, but I could hear him just fine.

His arm, once around my waist, never left. Keeping me close to him, while he finished bullshitting with his friends about mortgage rates. It was a boring conversation, but he seemed to be enjoying it.

Ryan guided me past the make shift gate at the bottom of the stairs as we made our way to the second floor, which had been off limits to everyone else.

"So to your right is the first of three guest bedrooms," he said directing me.

I peeked in, while decorated beautifully; nothing in there caught my eye.

"Next is my office," he said as we walked a little further to a tiny bedroom that had been converted over with book shelves and a desk.

"Across the hall is the bathroom. To the left is the last guest room," he said pulling me along by his gentle grip on my hip.

I smiled and nodded at each one, making just the right comments.

He had great taste. I was impressed.

My fingers stretched and wrapped themselves in to the soft fabric of his shirt. He was safe and yet, I still wanted to be with him on some level. I'd finally begun to put myself out there, and I had always gotten along well with Ryan. This was my chance and I wanted this with him, at least I kept telling myself that over and over.

I'd done everything right. There was no alcohol. There were no tears. I was ready…to have something with another man.

"And this is my bedroom," he said reaching for the knob and twisting it.

With a little push he let it go and the large dark wood door swung open to reveal a plush looking king size bed.

His room was beautiful, just as the rest of the house had been.

I certainly had to give him credit on that.

"Jeez Ry, you didn't skimp on anything, huh?" I asked taking a step in but not letting go of him.

His feet moved slowly, almost hesitantly as he followed me in the room. I hadn't stepped into any of the other rooms, but this one was where I wanted to be and I was sure he was catching on to that vibe.

"Thanks, I just thought it was time to get rid of the Power Rangers sheets," he joked, sounding a bit nervous.

I smiled up at him and locked my eyes with his.

That lovely shade of blue was looking better and better to me as the moments passed.

Ryan cleared his throat. "Isn't there somewhere we should be?"

I shook my head, still looking up at him; my other hand came and hooked around his neck. Then my fingers found their way into the soft short hairs on the back of his neck. He was tanned and beautiful looking, there was nothing to dispute that. Ryan, definitely had sex appeal.

"Bella, what are you doing?" he asked softly.

"Kissing you," I said before reaching up on my toes and planting my lips on his.

Unlike the kisses I'd had before, this one was far from chaste. I was making my message loud and clear.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" he asked huskily, pulling away a little.

I nodded before pressing my lips to his again, letting my tongue work over his bottom lip. It wasn't normally like me to be so forward, but I just couldn't help myself. I had to admit I'd always been attracted to Ry.

The smell of him, the closeness, and the need to make the ache in my heart go away was so great, that I wanted to take every step I could to make sure Ryan was on the same page as me.

His foot reached back and kicked the door shut with a loud slam, making my eyes widen.

He stared down at me for a second with our lips still locked in a heated embrace, checking to make sure I was okay. And when he found the answer he needed, his tongue went back to its sweet torture.

I couldn't believe it, and was pleased to realize, but I was actually enjoying the kiss.

It was sensual and sweet, but also hot and heavy, and for once I didn't feel like I was going to suffocate. That was new in every way.

His hands that had wrapped around my hips were now sliding lower and lower until they were cupping my ass, lifting me up and pressing me into him.

I moaned when I felt his hardness grinding against the center of me.

_Holy __shit__! _

I wanted this. It felt great.

"Oh baby Bella, you have no idea what I want to do with you," he said dropping hot kisses against my throat.

I shivered in his arms as he backed us up to the door.

"I want to ravage you," he declared as his fingers brushed my hair out of the way, so his lips had more room to work with.

I nodded at his words and found the edge of his shirt, pulling it out of his pants and then running my hands up his bare, muscled back.

His hips thrust forward into me, pressing me into the door. "God, Bella, you are so sexy, I need to touch you."

"Yes," I whispered.

"I want to see you dripping down my fingers," he growled, right before biting my ear.

"Fuck," I whimpered. "Yes, Ry…please."

"I need it…" he moaned, as his right hand snaked around to between my legs, and his fingers grazed me through my now damp jeans.

I nodded again, silently giving him permission to do whatever he saw fit with my body.

His lips made their way back to my mouth, kissing and tasting. Then his tongue began a game with mine. A war, to see who would submit to whom.

It was sexy, hot, and I was sure I had wrecked my panties.

"But I can't…" he panted and pulled away slightly, as his tongue poked out to wet those soft lips of his, "I promised myself, for New Years, that I wouldn't sleep with anyone unless I was sure they'd be mine," he whispered as a softness creased his face.

Those blue eyes, that had positively lit up with lust, had died down now and were burning with concern.

His tender touch was tucking away strands of hair behind my ear, as his eyes held my gaze.

"Bella, I want to, but I just can't, not when I know damn well that your heart would never be in it."

I nodded and smiled slightly. I didn't feel rejected because there wasn't any reason to be. He wasn't saying no because I didn't fit his look, hell he'd been hard, he still was hard… It was that he wanted love, like everyone else in the world, and he was tired of the empty vapid lays that he'd become accustomed to, while living it up in his twenties.

He let my legs fall, but he still supported me around the waist.

"Come on beautiful, be the first girl to sleep in my bed," he said softly, tugging me towards the bed.

***C***

The next morning I woke up to Ryan dancing around in the kitchen. He slid around the tile floor in his socks, as the pan he had cooking away on the stove sizzled.

"Whatcha making?" I asked clearing my throat.

"Scrambled eggs and bacon. I hope you're hungry."

"I am, thanks," I replied and saddled up to a bar stool.

Ryan set a plate down in front of me and then a glass of orange juice. Then he took a seat next to me. His grin was pretty contagious and I couldn't help but smile back at him.

"So how are you feeling this morning?" he asked as he pushed a forkful of fluffy eggs into his mouth.

"I'm good."

I reached for my fork and dug in, breakfast looked delicious.

"No hangover then?"

I shook my head, no. I had purposely not gotten drunk last night and it felt good to know what happened the night before. I didn't even have a drink.

"Good," he said softly, touching my shoulder caringly.

We ate in silence for the most part, while I tried to figure out if this all meant anything or not. Ryan was usually happy-go-lucky, sweet and in a good mood, but really things happened between us last night. Nothing hard core, but we were friends and we made out.

That meant something, right?

I finished up and slid off my stool heading over to the sink with my dishes.

"You're not mad about last night, are you?" he asked making me jump. I was so into washing my plate that I hadn't heard him come up behind me.

"I…er…" I said trying to form the words I was looking for as I turned to face him. I cleared my throat and then managed to respond intelligently, "No, not at all. I'm glad you were honest with me, Ry." I smiled up at him, and touch his scruffy, adorable face.

He smiled and sighed. "I'm glad, I was worried that I might've offended you."

I looked up in to his eyes; they were crystal blue this morning, and they definitely weren't the green I had been dying to see. "You were right and I was so wrong for trying to do something that would never amount to anything."

He shrugged and smirked. "It's not like I haven't done it before."

I laughed and offered him a smile, not really knowing what to say to that.

After that I got dressed and left.

Ryan and I weren't meant to be, that much was clear and honestly I was thankful for his wisdom last night.

***C***

The following days I spent mainly with Carlisle and Esme. Rose was spending some quality time with Paul and I was happy for her.

There were Scrabble games, walks in the woods and even a movie. I had fun with them and it was nice reconnecting after…everything.

But I was also looking forward to getting back to school and buckling down for the rest of the semester. There wasn't much left before we would be home for the summer and I was looking forward to that.

"Hey Bells, do you need any help packing?" Rose hollered from her room.

"Nope, just about finished," I yelled back as I finished up folding my clothes.

We were headed home tomorrow morning, so like always we were trying to pack the night before, so we wouldn't feel too rushed when it came time to leave.

That night we spent the evening on the deck, it was cold, but beautiful and refreshing. Carlisle relaxed with some beers and Esme broke out some cards. We all joined in and had a great time.

Then before too late, around eleven, Rose and I excused ourselves to bed.

The next morning it was tough pulling myself from my comfy, warm bed, but I did it. Rose didn't want to get back too late and I wanted to check with the school to make sure I didn't have any other assignments.

"Bella honey, breakfast is on the table." I heard Esme call from the other side of my door.

"Okay, thanks, I'll be down shortly." I hurried through a shower, and slipped on my jeans and a fresh t-shirt. Then I looked around the room to make sure I had everything together and ready to leave.

My hand was on the door when I heard my phone buzz. Normally, I wouldn't have touched it, but my curiosity was at an all-time high. It had been over a week since my last text message or voicemail. I was starting to wonder if he'd died, or at the very least, suffered alcohol poisoning.

I grabbed it and nearly dropped the phone when I read the words on the screen. My heart started to beat…hard, and my eyes burned with tears. My chest felt so heavy and my hand, holding the phone, shook. I clicked the top button – DELETE – making the words disappear from sight, but unfortunately not from mind.

I distractedly slid it into my back pocket, before slowly making my way down the stairs. My mind felt like it was racing a million miles a minute...with so many jumbled thoughts and questions.

How was I going to deal with this? What would I say? Did I even say anything?

Dear God, I didn't need this now.

I tried to stay calm through breakfast. Esme and Carlisle kept us busy with useless questions, like where we were planning on stopping for lunch and what time we thought we would be back on campus. Usually, I would've been more than happy to answer them all, but in this instance I couldn't take my mind off of the text I had gotten.

"Bella, are you okay, you seem distracted?" Carlisle asked as we began to clear the dishes.

"Yes, I'm fine," I replied and smiled, knowing it was a total lie.

We had made it through breakfast; all the while I was thinking if I was quick enough I could get the hell out of there on time.

"Okay Rose, so are you ready to go?" I asked in a rush.

She turned towards me, away from the dish she had been clearing off into the trash, with questioning eyes.

I shrugged.

"Um… I'll be a few minutes. Paul texted me this morning and said he wanted to see us off, so he'll be here in a second."

I grimaced, wanting to say something, but caught myself and headed up the stairs. Rose deserved to see Paul before we left. I just wish I had an escape route built into my room.

I only had a few minutes to prepare.

I needed so much longer than that.

My ears perked up as I heard excited voices coming from downstairs. I knew the time had come and it would only be a few minutes before I had to face my fears.

With a deep breath I composed myself the best I could, straightening my back, letting my shoulders tighten up and my head to prop up higher.

I stepped out of the room and walked down the hall. Down the stairs and through the living room. I paused at the kitchen door, adjusting my clothes real quick before I pushed it open and walked through.

The voices of everyone seemed to be drowned out as my eyes looked up towards the door. He was standing there, bent over taking off his boots. My heart stopped and started beating furiously, all at the same time.

My mouth was as dry as the desert, and no matter how many times I swallowed it didn't seem to help any.

His fingers were busy with his laces so it bought me a few fleeting moments, while I tried to desperately clear my throat.

In the process of doing that, I coughed, choked really, and what do you know, he looked up at me.

Seeing those eyes again. Looking directly at me. That hair. Everything about him was so hard to take in. He was heart stopping – beautiful but painful.

He ignored the fact that his shoes still weren't completely untied and attempted to kick them off. Once he fought with them for a moment and finally got them off his feet, he looked up at me, searching my face with cautious eyes.

He hunched over, fixing his shoes, still on the mat in just his socks, looking ridiculously handsome. And the hesitant smile that crept on to his lips didn't go unnoticed.

That's when the anger rolled through me. I wasn't even sure who it was directed at. I wanted to be mad at him for everything he had said and done to me, but I think I was more angry at myself for being so affected by him. I was going down that rabbit hole again and there was no stopping it.

Then, standing straight up fiddling with the buttons on his blue plaid shirt he looked like himself. Tired, but him.

This wasn't the drunken Edward I had gotten pretty much every night since I'd been away at school. Nope, this was Edward, the same one I'd fallen in love with.

_Why hadn't I gotten this Edward every night since I left?_

My heart hurt standing there in his presence, I hurt…everywhere and just wanted to go curl up in a corner, but I wasn't about to let him see how he'd broken me. So I took one last dry swallow while everyone stared between us and I greeted him.

"Hi Edward." It came out quiet, sounding robotic and far too formal for my own liking, but it was all I could give.

The sound of his name rolling off my tongue and out my lips was foreign. I hadn't actually said it in so long. Now, it sounded wrong, weird…and hurtful.

"H-hi there," he said with a stutter, making my breath catch in my throat. He didn't stutter before, I couldn't imagine what he was nervous about now.

I knew I could say whatever I wanted to myself about being over him, but I knew the truth. Ryan knew the truth. I hadn't moved on. I couldn't, but I wasn't about to let him know that. I was just glad to see that Cinnabitch wasn't in tow. I probably would've passed out, seeing her pregnant and gloating.

Images of her, holding her round belly and plastering a sickening smile on her face graced my brain. I felt ill.

Other people's voices started to filter in, as I tried to process my overwhelming emotions at seeing Edward again. He was talking to Carlisle about the trip. His car and what he'd been up to regarding his work.

Rose had quietly moved across the room, next to me. Her eyes were full of concern, but I couldn't talk, I just needed to be_ in_ myself. If we could leave soon, I knew I would be okay, but I also knew I wasn't ready to deal with him.

Just as those thoughts were rolling through my mind the door opened again and it was Paul.

He didn't look all that happy when he saw Edward standing there. And instead of their normal bro hug, Paul just grumbled a quiet, 'Hello," and turned away from him.

The rest stood and talked for a few more minutes before Rose thankfully announced that we needed to be on the road.

With a few hugs from Esme and Carlisle, Rose's tiny make out session with Paul and a very awkward fleeting glance of a goodbye to Edward, that involved not going near him, we were off. _Thank fuck. _

As soon as we pulled out of the driveway I felt like I could breathe again. But barely. I looked out the window and let my pain run through me, as tears silently dripping down my cheeks.

* * *

**Oh boy, So Bella and Rose had a good time at Ryan's party. Almost too good. What did you all think about Ryan's New Years resolution? **

**And how about Bella's feelings towards it?**

**Who loves that Em and Dev are finally finding some women of their own? **

**And How about Jackson? He's growing up too! **

**And *whistles* how about Edward showing up there at the end?**

**Can I just say vacation is wonderful? Leave me some love and I'll see you in the group on Friday! **


	22. For The Love of Bunnies

**Since I will be in a car for 8 hours tomorrow with my beautiful, sweet, energetic niece, I figured it was better that I post this early... oh and it was totally MC's idea too so yeah, you should thank her! She's basically amazing! **

* * *

**Chapter 22**

**BPOV**

In my mind I could not find a logical reason why Edward was there when we left. All sorts of assumptions were swirling around in my head, and my heart, but none of them quite added up. Nothing quite fit.

_Why had he come home?_ His text had explained nothing.

_Bella, I am almost home. – Edward XO_

While everyone was talking, I had stood back and listened, just trying to collect myself. It was a little overwhelming to have him just a few feet away from me. I had gathered, from what Edward had said that he had driven all the way from NYC with his Trailblazer. That's what he drove back there, not his baby. My only guess was that he was back for his job in Seattle, but why not fly? This job wasn't permanent, that's why. So I assumed he was going to be back working in New York after the job was complete.

Then the real questions started floating through my overactive imagination. Was _she _going to show up later? Or, was she really pregnant? And if she was pregnant, where were they going to live permanently? Was he still living with her in NYC?

_Ugh!_ Better yet, _why did I fucking care so goddamn much?_

Again, there was anger bubbling up in my throat. Heated words that I wanted to turn loose on him, but I still wasn't sure who I was more upset at, myself or him. I knew I was more disappointed in myself; I had come to terms with at least that much. I wanted so desperately to be really and truly free of him, but I could clearly see that wasn't going to happen any time soon.

I thought about it for a while when we were back at school, before spring break. I guess I hadn't realized exactly what I'd done until I became seriously introspective about all that transpired. Or how my irresponsible actions would affect my life if I hadn't gotten what I'd originally set out for…Edward.

I hadn't taken the time to realize just how profoundly affected I was by Edward or by the emotional distress my parents had caused me.

His words had struck a chord with me. And I had done my best to take them and use them for my benefit, without knowing it.

It might sound sick to some, but I had to make the negative a positive; for my own sanity. He might have beaten me down, but I used his stones to build myself back up again. But as hateful as his rant had been, he had a point, no matter how hard that was to admit. Those words were thoroughly engrained in my mind.

"_Little girl lost…"_

Tattooed on my mind.

But it worked, because while he was off being a drunk, I had done some work on myself. I had really spent some time dissecting my life – past and present – from my parents and childhood, to Edward and my relationships; from my education, and then to what I wanted, for myself, for the rest of my life.

I sighed. I hadn't made any definite plans, but I knew that from now on, I would be living my life for me, and only what's best for _me_.

I was startled out of my thoughts by Rose's voice. "So that was fun, huh?" she asked with a sarcastic chuckle, as we drove along the densely tree lined roads.

My eyes bounced off of the trunks to each new one passing by and then occasionally flicking to the limbs, some were wide, reaching through and twining with other limbs off of other trees and yet some were broken, right down to the trunk. They were fascinating to me, and the distraction helped me to clear my clouded thoughts.

It was so easy to become lost while riding in the car. So easy to just let my mind go and be…free.

Logging season would be starting up again and these roads that looked dead and abandoned would be bustling with traffic of heavy machinery. It was kind of how my life was. For a while it would be boring and the everyday would be at the heart of my concerns and then one big thing would happen and I'd have to focus on that for a while. In this case, Edward was logging and my life was the road.

Seeing him again only brought feelings that I had recently buried below the surface. I thought I was ready to move on, even sleep with Ryan, but I was wrong. His voice still twisted my gut and those eyes, one look from them still made my heart beat faster than a rabbit on crack. Yeah, it was bad, but at least now, I wasn't feeding the flames. I wasn't giving in, letting him be near me or a part of my every day life. Not willingly at least.

I wanted to let go, because it was the healthy thing to do, but no matter what, I couldn't stop feeling like my world existed around him. And knowing that he was back in Forks, so much closer than NYC, made that so much harder.

"Yeah, up until the end," I murmured, still looking out the window.

"Bella, I swear I didn't know he was coming."

"I know, he texted me, not you. It's fine. We're cool," I assured her.

It was only me that he texted, and those were the first sober words that he'd given to me in all the time that we'd been apart from one another. I knew that concretely because I knew Edward.

"Are you alright?" she asked, turning to me when we came up on a red light.

"Yeah, I think I'm okay. It's just weird, you know?"

She probably didn't know, but maybe with all the shit she went through to finally be with Paul, she had some kind of insight.

"Did you want to knee him in the balls?" she asked with chuckle.

I swallowed and shook my head. Not quite.

"Huh, well maybe something more drastic? Like beating his pretty face to a pulp?"

I frowned and shook my head again. Even through all the anger and irritation I couldn't really imagine beating Edward up.

"I get it," she sighed, patting my knee. "Yeah, it's kind of like when you don't know what to do with yourself and he's standing right there and you just want to go over there and hug him, but you can't, right?"

God, she totally got me. Dead on. That was exactly the way I had been feeling since I saw him standing by the door. I didn't know why though, because after all the shit I should've wanted to beat his face in or knee him in the nuts, but neither of those were the things I wanted to do. I wanted him to hold me, tell me everything was okay, that he… No, I had to stop those thoughts. Even picturing something like that happening was too much to handle.

"And then leaving without much more than a 'bye' didn't seem right either, but what could I do?" I asked, getting frustrated.

"I know hon, but you have to hold on. Things will get easier with time."

"I hope you're right, because if not, next Christmas is going to be so awkward."

She laughed a little at that and the rest of the drive home was quiet. The Jeep rumbled along the quiet roads until we hit the city. It was stop and go traffic all the way to the school.

"Do you wanna grab some lunch after we drop our stuff off?" she asked as we pulled into the parking lot of our dorm.

"Sure," I replied, because lunch at a noisy college café, sounded like a good distraction.

Then it would be back to hitting the books. Thank goodness for something to take my mind off of _him_.

I had six weeks to forget about him, and with all the studying I had to do with finals coming up, I was sure the task would be fairly easy.

***C***

What I failed to realize was that the second weekend of April held a very special holiday to the Cullens. Easter. Which meant, no matter how much I didn't want to go back home, I had to or, I was sure that Esme would be hurt.

I just couldn't do that, so I halfheartedly pulled out my suitcase, yet again. This was getting a little old, I admitted to myself. I wanted to just stay home for the weekend and ignore the fact that it was one of Esme's favorite holidays, but I just couldn't.

Thankfully I had talked Rose into leaving Saturday morning instead of Friday night. That way I would be spending as little time there as possible.

I pulled out a spring dress that Rose had insisted upon once she actually convinced me to come home.

Then I packed some strappy sandals and a cardigan because let's face it, even though it was April, the weather wasn't exactly a heat wave.

"You think you have everything?" Rose asked with a big smile on her face.

"Yep, I'm good," I told her, just as there was a knock on the door.

I opened it and offered Jimmy a smile. "Hey, what's up?"

He grinned right back. Like I said before, Jimmy was really easy to get along with, I just didn't love him.

And for him that was a tough fact to swallow, because in a perfect world, I would or at least I could. But in my fucked up one, I couldn't even imagine it. Jimmy was wonderful and so sweet. He was a great friend, but that was it. Pretty much, he was Rose with a dick.

"Umm… I was just stopping by to find out if you were heading home for Easter?" he asked as his eyes darted around the room. He could see the suitcase on the bed.

"Yeah, we're going to Rose's parents' house," I explained.

"Cool, well, have fun," he said turning away.

"Wait, Jimmy, where are you going?" I asked grabbing his hand.

"Back to my apartment, I guess."

"Aren't you going home for Easter?" I wondered. It was kind of a stupid question to ask, since I knew his parents lived back East, and it would be a long flight home for one lousy day?

He shook his head.

"So you're staying here by yourself?"

He shrugged and looked down at the floor. "Yeah, but I'm good, Bella. I'm just looking around, seeing who's hanging back."

We weren't, and I could tell just by one look at his face that he wasn't all that good. Jimmy loved to be around people and being stuck on an empty or nearly empty campus didn't seem like his cup of tea.

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "Jimmy, you wanna come home with us? There'll be plenty of room and the food is always delicious."

I should've called Esme and asked first or even talked it over with Rose, but I didn't. I just jumped the gun because Jimmy was a good friend and the smile that he had on his lips after I invited him made everything a lot better.

"I'd love to, are you sure?"

"Yeah, absolutely!" I said, trying to sound sure.

He stood there looking hesitant for a minute. "Hey, so we're leaving soon, so you should go pack."

"Yes, ma'am." He nodded and headed off. Then I stood outside the door trying to figure out how to tell Rose that Jimmy was now coming home for Easter with us.

I shook my head, walking back into our room.

Rose was rushing around, grabbing her toiletries.

"Almost ready?" she asked, huffing out a breath, blowing the few hairs that had fallen in her face.

"Um…about that…."

***C***

"Hey Rose, can you stop soon I gotta take a piss?"

"Damn it Jimmy, you're worse than a woman," she muttered, as she put on her directional.

I had quickly given her the rundown of what happened and told her that Jimmy was now coming home with us. She wasn't thrilled at first, but she also felt bad for sweet Jimmy, and then she kind of got this mischievous glint in her eye.

I slid my seat forward and let Jimmy out of the car when Rose stopped in front of the gas station about an hour from home.

"So here's what I'm thinking," she said excitedly as she turned to me. "You buddy up to Jimmy while we're there today and tomorrow."

My eyebrows creased together.

_Why would I need to do that? _We're already friends.

"Why?" I wondered.

"Well…_if _Edward's there..." she eyed me knowingly, "This should be enough to teach him a little lesson for the lurch he left you in last time."

"Rose he already thinks I slept with someone, isn't that enough?"

She shook her head quickly.

"What about when I tried this same thing with Devin? It made him jealous, but nothing came of it."

"Devin was too close to him, he still had power in that situation. I think this will break him," Rose told me with a grin.

"Hey Rose, it's a good idea and all, but I'm not sure I care to teach him a lesson. I don't know if it's worth it to me," I whispered, looking away. "I just don't think I want to play any more games; I'm tired, Rose."

"What do you mean? You told me you couldn't move on and that you thought you still loved him, did something change?"

"No, nothing's changed. It's just that… I don't want to make him jealous. I'd rather have him come to me when he's finally made up his mind. Try to win me over instead of visa versa. You know?"

Her blues lit up and she nodded in understanding. "That makes perfect sense. So you and Jimmy aren't together? But what's he gonna think when he sees him sleeping in your room?"

I shrugged because honestly I didn't give a shit. "He'll be on the floor. We're adults, and Jimmy is my friend. If Edward has a problem with it, maybe he'll talk _to_ me for once, instead of down at me."

"Let's hope," she said as Jimmy made it back to the Jeep.

He hopped in and we were off on the last leg of the trip.

***C***

Carlisle was waiting for us as we pulled down the driveway. My heart was thundering in my chest wondering about whether Edward was going to be there or not, but judging by the cars it looked like he wasn't around.

Rose had called Esme and told her we were bringing a friend, while we were waiting for Jimmy to meet us back at the car.

Rose assured me that beyond her initial surprise, she was happy I was bringing someone home. Which was a relief to me.

We spent Saturday afternoon around the fire pit in the back talking about school and friends, while Esme served us up some cookies. Oh Esme and those killers cookies. So delicious.

Esme did manage to pull me aside and I, of course, explained that he's really just a good friend.

She seemed to roll with that and not ask too many questions. By the looks of it, Edward wasn't planning on showing up any time soon, which sort of made me happy. Of course, I didn't have a chance to talk to Rose about it.

Jimmy knew about the Edward situation. He had a right to hear about it after what happened between us. And once I explained to him what went down in decent detail, he knew Edward wasn't the only one to blame.

He was still on the fence about Edward. I told him what a normally very nice person he was, which was the truth. Until our little tryst, he was sweet and caring, which I think was what drew me to him initially. But he didn't like that Edward went back to NYC or to the girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, whatever she was now. He also didn't like the comments that Edward spewed at me. So I was a little hesitant about them meeting. Jimmy was protective over me, even before New Year's Eve, he had wanted me before, now it was purely because he didn't want to see me hurt.

Around midnight everyone started splitting off, it was late and we had an early day tomorrow, with all the Easter festivities planned.

Rose packed up and left with Paul. She gave me her Jeep keys, letting me know that if I needed a way out, it was there.

"Thanks," I said grabbing them from her.

"You know, if it's uncomfortable, Jimmy can sleep in my room," she offered.

"No, don't worry about it. Besides it'll be nice to cuddle with someone," I explained smiling.

She smiled and hugged me, and then slipped around Paul, linking arms with him.

Jimmy and I headed up to bed after saying a final goodnight to Carlisle and Esme. I finally felt a bit of awkwardness there. That was probably what every kid feels when they are finally old enough to have a person of the opposite gender sleep over. It wasn't as if Jimmy and I were going to do anything, but still a blush filled my cheeks as I climbed those stairs.

After changing and brushing our teeth together Jimmy made some jokes, noticing my tension.

"Come on B, it'll be just like when you and Rose have sleepovers."

I snorted, "Yeah, it's just like her to push her morning wood into my ass when I wake up in the morning."

"Hey, you know you secretly like it," he said with a chuckle.

I just rolled my eyes.

We popped in a movie and settled under the covers. Sure, I had told him this morning that he would be sleeping on the floor, but there was plenty of room in the bed. And he knew the deal, so I wasn't worried.

His arms did wrap around my waist and it was sweet, and kind of felt nice.

My eyes had just started to feel tired and the tension from the day had slowly left me. I was just about to nod off when I heard heavy footsteps climbing the stairs.

Esme and Carlisle had made their way up a little while before, so I knew it wasn't either of them.

My mind wasn't focused on burglars or intruders. It was Forks for crying out loud. That kind of stuff just didn't happen in a town like this.

No, I knew exactly who it was.

His feet shuffled him into his room and then the familiar squeak of his door as it shut softly.

My gut clenched, but I swallowed my anxiety. He was the enemy after all, right?

I was hurt still, yes, but this wasn't a bleeding, simpering wound anymore. It had scabbed over now; the salt of him being back didn't hurt as badly. What killed me was that I couldn't get over the nagging sensation of wanting to see him.

I sighed and let it go for the evening, reveling in the warmth of Jimmy's arms surrounding me as I drifted off to sleep.

I'd gotten good at that over the past few months.

And the next morning, I woke up to Jimmy snuggling into me, lightly tickling my side.

I giggled, but tried to keep it down or otherwise that long talk about Jimmy just being a friend wasn't going to be believed by anyone.

***C***

Breakfast was a good show. Not only was there tons of great food, but when Edward stumbled around the corner into the dining room and took in Jimmy sitting next to me his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

Esme put a leaf in the table so we could all comfortably sit together.

Rose looked substantially loved up, and I was having a hard time holding back a smile when she and Paul would give each other pecks.

But across from me, two eyes sat there glaring.

While I was squirming slightly under his gaze, I decided to be the bigger person. After clearing my throat, I introduced them, "Jimmy, this is Rose's brother, Edward."

"Nice to meet you man," Jimmy said, getting up from his chair and leaning over the table to shake Edward's hand.

I watched fascinated as Edward narrowed his eyes at Jimmy, before grunting out something I couldn't hear and reluctantly offering him a hand to shake.

It was a pathetic attempt at politeness but it was far better than I had ever expected from him.

The rest of the day went on like this. Edward was unusually quiet, keeping to himself, just hovering in the background, and no one went overboard to include him either. Which, to me, seemed odd. Esme usually went out of her way to include everyone.

We were all dressed up and had just finished the feast Esme had made when I head the soft clicks. I knew that sound well. That sound broke the floodgate on memories. When we were kids I could never seem to escape it.

Edward turned the corner holding a camera. He had about a dozen of them, but this one I recognized well. It was his favorite. I remembered the summers he spent toiling away, working hard, trying to save up enough to buy it. Now, it looked like a toy compared to some of his others. But he always said he loved it the most.

With a worn leather strap around his neck, his eyes seemed to be alive for the first time since I'd seen him here this morning.

"Oh Edward honey, get some of Rose and Paul, and then of Bella and Jimmy, will you?" Esme asked him.

"Yeah son, a few for the scrapbooks," Carlisle commented, before turning back to Paul who was asking Jimmy some questions about school.

Edward quickly wiped the look of disgust off his face before clicking away. First for a few posed ones, where Paul and Rose snuggled together closely. Then some of Jimmy and I with his arm around me. One of all of us together.

And then he focused on candid ones. With his camera in hand, he snapped them off like rapid fire, while Esme and Rose chatted.

Jimmy was talking golf to Carlisle. Jimmy had played a little back in high school and now he was busy reminiscing.

I tried to keep up, learning by listening, but my eyes kept wandering. Until I noticed that lens, pointed at me.

Not happening. And I knew the only way to keep him from making me the prime subject was to get the hell out of there.

I excused myself from the group and found my way outside. It was still chilly, so I wrapped my arms around myself as the wind whipped through the trees.

The air, though cool, was refreshing and just what I needed. I closed my eyes, breathing deep.

My head was clearing and my emotions were calming, but I was still fighting those damn flood gates.

"So who's Jimmy?" I jumped as I heard his voice.

I whipped around to see copper brown hair flopping around by the tree line.

Anger surged through me and I started to walk away.

"Bella, I asked you a fucking question!"

I ignored his question and kept walking, stomping through damp grass trying to continue my alone time, but I knew even without looking over my shoulder that he was still following me. It was an ability of mine; I could just sense him near me.

When I stopped by the pond, watching the unthawing mass of water, I waited a few seconds before I spoke.

"It's none of your fucking business."

I looked over at him as he came up next to me, seeing him nod in agreement. "You're right. I'm sorry, I…"

I didn't respond, and he didn't finish his sentence; he just sighed deeply.

We both stared out into the water, not speaking for some time. I was mesmerized by the way the water moved beneath the ice that was still holding on.

"I knew it was going to happen, I just didn't think it would be this soon," he whispered cryptically.

I shook my head trying not to let his words affect me.

"Why are you even here, you never come home for Easter?" I spat.

"I have a job in Seattle, or did you forget?"

"No, I hadn't forgotten." I wrapped my arms around myself tighter. I was trying to hold myself together physically because I felt like I was going to fall apart at any second.

"Bella, I miss you," he whispered, stepping closer. "I am so, so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am."

"Don't…just don't…say shit you don't mean!"

"I'm not, I mean it," he said softly reaching for my hand.

I pulled away and walked off, leaving him standing there by himself.

"Bella, please…" he called from behind me. But I couldn't respond right away from the lump in my throat.

When I turned around he was right there. "Edward, you hurt me _deeply_, sorry does not make it all okay." I looked at the ground before looking back up at him. "Please, just leave me alone."

He didn't say or do anything; he just stood there with the most pained expression I had ever seen on his beautiful face.

"I just wanted to know who he was…" he muttered, running a hand through his hair.

"You don't get to know, Edward. You don't get to be a part of my life now. You had your chance and you missed it." I stepped back from him, and wiped away the few tears that had escaped my eyes.

"Goodbye, Edward." And with that I walked back to the house.

When I returned, both Rose and Esme seemed to be interested in what happened, but I wasn't about to talk about. I was barely holding in my tears. Instead, I reminded Rose that we needed to leave soon as class started early tomorrow morning and we had a long drive.

Esme packed us some snacks while we loaded our things.

Jimmy took the time to thank Esme and Carlisle for their generosity and then after some goodbyes, we were on the road.

I didn't miss how Edward hung back at the kitchen door while the rest of us walked out to the Jeep, but I wasn't about to read too far into it. My anger was definitely still there towards him.

I wasn't ready to be friends, even though he apologized; that wasn't enough for me. I wasn't ready to discuss anything significant with him. He wanted to revisit feelings that he told me didn't exist. I just couldn't do it… I was living life for what was best for _me_ now.

***C***

The weeks after Easter rolled by fairly quickly and especially quietly.

Every morning I would wake up and check my phone for contact from him, but nothing had shown up since he'd been home. I guess he actually listened to me when I told him to leave me alone.

Rose also suggested that maybe, because he had been home, Carlisle had talked to him and told him the drinking needed to stop.

She knew more than she was letting on, at least I thought she did. And I was certain she wasn't telling me it all to spare my feelings.

I wasn't sure what she wasn't telling me, but I just knew it had to be something.

Then I was sitting there, checking my e-mail one night, looking at the new books that Amazon had to offer when I saw a new message come in.

The address was new, but I knew who it was from.

**E **

**B, **

**I thought you might like to hold on to this one. Even if it may not be right, ****in my eyes anyways, ****it's still good to see you smiling. **

**Miss you,**

**E**

It was short and sweet, but the picture attached was what killed me.

A candid of Jimmy and I laughing with each other.

To any outsider they would've thought the picture was of a perfectly happy couple.

I didn't miss his disapproval of Jimmy, but he didn't know any better that Jimmy and I weren't actually together.

I sighed, shaking my head before clicking the little x in the corner and moving on. Again, like I had learned in the past, there was no use harping on things that weren't going to change.

We spent most nights in, studying. My grades were important to me, as was moving on, but I needed to concentrate on which mattered more at the moment.

I couldn't go back and redo college, so waiting a few weeks to date again was fine by me.

I had also come to the conclusion, thanks to Ryan, that I wasn't ready and willing to give up that one piece of me. I might be twenty, but something that I'd kept respectfully for so long, would stick with me until I found the right person.

***C***

Rose and I stuck around and waited for our grades, giving me a few extra days at school. Once they were posted though, Carlisle and Esme were up, helping us pack and get ready to move home for the summer.

Three A's and a B that I'd worked really hard to achieve. Psych about killed me, but in the end it made me so much stronger and such a better person. Not too many people could say that.

Rose didn't do too bad either, two A's and two B's, I think we both owed our amazing grades to our new found love of studying.

I was dreading home, for sure, but the only thing that made it worse than knowing I was going to have to see Edward, was that I had a voicemail from my father, asking me to join him and mother for dinner when I had a free moment.

Yeah, they just didn't do that shit. I mean I hadn't seen them for over a year.

So I was left wondering what the fuck could possibly be up that they felt they needed to include me in it.

Home was supposed to where the heart was, right?

* * *

**What did you think?  
**

**Has anyone ever felt that way, with an old friend or an ex, where you just wanted to hug them but couldn't?**

**Who thought it was cool to bring Jimmy home?**

**Easter was fun, huh?**

**How about that picture? Was that a step in the right direction for Edward? **

**Also, if you haven't checked it out yet, I'm writing and posting a story for the one and only MC or Deb as I know her! Check out The Traveler, the second chapter will be up tonight! **


	23. Home Sweet Home

**Thank you Deb for all your help with this one! You're amazing!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 23**

**BPOV**

Another year of college, down the drain; I was relieved but nervous as well. Life was turning out to be quite the winding road and I certainly wasn't sure what was around the next corner. No one could know that.

Rose and I spent hours unpacking. It was a tedious task, but we were sort of used to it by now. The only thing that made it at all bearable was that I was relieved to see Edward wasn't there when we arrived home. I wasn't sure what I would've done if he had been there. Hiding out wasn't really an option.

The heat was finally making itself known in Washington, so was the humidity. And it was disgusting. I never really liked living in the rainforest.

Carlisle had turned on the air conditioning though, to save us the exhaustion.

With everything put in the proper places and my room back to looking like something sort of like a bedroom as opposed to a storage locker, I was left to figure out what to do.

I wiped the sweat from my brow as I plopped down on my bed. I was tired, but not too tired.

My phone was still glaring at me.

That message was still there and my curiosity was still piqued.

My father never called. It was always my mother. And him requesting dinner was even more of an oddity.

I knew there was no real obligation for me to show up, besides out of courtesy. I didn't owe them a damn thing.

I pursed my lips and wondered what harm it would be to actually go. To show up and see what they wanted. To find out what could possibly be going on that they wanted to reconnect now after all this time.

"Hey Rose, can I borrow your pink sweater and black heels?" I asked after poking my head into her room.

Her brows fell together in confusion.

"Sure, what's it for?" she wondered.

"Oh, you know, I have to go make an appearance at my parents'," I told her, brushing off the fact that my father had called out of the blue.

"Wait, they're home?"

She didn't miss it either; she knew it was weird they were home and wanted to see me. Rose had been there through all of it, so it wasn't really surprising that she had picked up on it.

"Yeah, I guess," I whispered, striding over to her closet and finding the pieces I needed.

"Okay well, take what you need," she offered, staring me down. Her blues seemed to question every movement I made. "Do you want me to come with you?"

I shook my head. For the first time in my life I was at a point where I could, for the most part, stand on my own two feet. I loved and appreciated Rose. She was wonderful and she'd been there for me time and time again. But it was now time I faced them on my own, with my head held high; I was after all an adult now…not a child they could dismiss to a Nanny, like they had every other time in my childhood life.

Whatever it was, I assumed it was important, or_ the _Charles Swan wouldn't have called himself. He had an assistant for all those things. Even me. So I just couldn't see why he would go through the trouble to call himself.

I picked out some earrings and a long silver chain. I wanted to look nice, you know? The Swans' always prided themselves on how they looked; from my grandmother to my mother…it was all about appearances. And if I showed up looking like a slob, there wasn't going to be a level playing field, which I knew I needed. I wanted to have as much confidence as I could afford. Standing up to them, was going to be hard enough.

After dressing and checking myself in the mirror, I asked to borrow Rose's Jeep. I had never had a car of my own, and I couldn't really pinpoint why; it's not like I couldn't afford it, I'd just never really had the inkling to get one, but now I was thinking a vehicle of my own was something I wanted…for _me_. I needed one and I felt like I deserved it. After my purely amazing grades and all of the hard work I'd put in to improving my life, there was just no denying that fact.

"Not a problem, here you go," she said handing me the keys.

I looked put together and as adult as I was ever going to be at the present time. That was enough for me…for now anyway.

The drive home was easy and it only took a few minutes. The Cullen's had a beautiful house set out in the country, while my parent's retained a house closer to the center of town. However, they owned about the same amount of land. Grandmother Swan always said that you could tell a lot about a person by the size of their house. My dad took that to heart. Even though they were never home, they had a mansion.

I rolled through the gravel roads, watching the scenery, as I wanted to see what had changed since I'd been there last. Sure, while I came home to see the Cullen's several times a year, I hadn't been to my parent's house in over a year and a half.

When I moved away to college my first year, I was sure to pack everything.

I didn't really want to go back. There were no happy family memories. There never really were either. Not even when I was little. Every time I thought about home, pictures of the different faces of nannies floated through my mind. Not a pleasant thought at all. My parents were hardly ever home. Again, I thanked God for the Cullens, without them, I wouldn't have had any kind of family life.

I put the directional on and turned down the driveway, stopping at the gate to ring the bell.

Yes, my parents were so ostentatious that they had a fucking gate, and since I hadn't been home for so long, I had no idea what the passcode was anymore because I knew it changed regularly.

"Can I help you?" an unfamiliar voice asked through the tiny speaker.

"Um yeah, I'm Bella, Charlie and Renee's daughter," I stated unsteadily.

"Ah yes, they are expecting you, please pull forward," the stoic voice said before signaling for the gate to unlatch and open.

I sighed and rolled up the window before heading through the now open gate. My mind was racing, but my blood was also already boiling with annoyance. All of these hoops were so unnecessary.

I parked and walked quickly to the door. I truly wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. I'd promised Esme I would be home for dinner and she was looking forward to it, so I wanted to make that happen.

As I stood in front of the closed door, waiting for it to be opened, it did not escape my notice that I was standing on the threshold of my 'biological' home but my 'real' home was felt with the Cullens.

Just as that unsettling thought left my mind, the door opened to reveal an older gentleman I hadn't met before. "Hello Ms. Swan, how are you today?" he asked professionally, ushering me inside.

I shrugged and murmured, "Okay, thanks." I had never been good with talking to the help; even with my nannies I had been reserved.

We didn't have many servants while I was growing up, just since I was older. My parents had hired them to keep the house in order while they were away for long periods of time.

"Please make yourself at home, I'll let Mr. and Mrs. Swan know that you've arrived," he told me politely before walking out of the room.

I waited, in my own house by the door, feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

Yeah, home sweet home.

My father hurried down the stairs before stopping dead in front of me. His usual crisp suit was firmly in place and he looked every bit the art broker. Even when he'd spent the day at home, he still managed to make everyone around him feel alienated.

His brown eyes, about the only thing I ever got from him, thankfully, were looking me over, and I could see him trying to guess just how much my clothes cost, something that was a strategy for him. He used to do it with his clients when he started out in the business, a skill that obviously proved helpful for him in his career.

"Oh Isabella, darling," he said, clasping my shoulders and lightly kissing my cheek. "It's so good to see you. You look lovely, darling." That was Charles Swan, a smooth talker through and through. He had a mission in mind that much was clear.

I shrugged, because honestly it was uncomfortable to talk to him. There were lots of emotions swirling around in the room. Anger, being one. He was absent through a great deal of my life. And now suddenly he thinks he can just kiss my cheek, thinking he's my dad? Hell no, that's a title he had to earn…and it was kind of wishful thinking to think he'd start now. Yes, he was a contributing factor to my DNA, but he was no dad.

This was a fact I was beginning to finally accept. It was a slow process, but thanks to Edward's blunt attitude, I was able to keep up the hard work to let go of the abandonment I felt from both my mother and my father.

"Your mother will be down in just a minute, will you stay for dinner?" he wondered, taking my hand and squeezing it.

"No thanks, Dad," I said and shook my head, knowing full well that I had better places to be.

He nodded, looking disappointed, but I didn't let it bother me.

A few awkward moments later my mother gently slipped down the stairs. "My baby, there you are," she cooed, pulling me into a cold hug.

She sounded warm, but her words were empty. There was no real love there and there never really had been.

I honestly felt like that's why I never had any siblings. I think my mother realized that she wasn't cut out to be a mother and love a child unconditionally, so she didn't try again.

We retired in the living room where my father offered me a drink. I refused politely and reminded him that I wasn't old enough to drink. He seemed like he wanted to say something, but just poured himself a scotch and me a glass of water.

"Not to rush you guys along, but I'm actually busy, so if we could just cut to the chase that would be great," I told them, setting down my water.

My father gulped and my eyes slid away from him. Taking in the room, it hadn't changed much since the last time I'd been there. There was still a Monet hanging behind my father's chair and the Renoir over by the piano, but the O'Keefe by the fireplace looked new, I couldn't remember if it was there before or not.

One might've felt my shortness with them was rude, or even inconsiderate, since I hadn't seen them in some time, but I didn't. I thought it was the perfect tone for them. They at least knew I wasn't about to be bowled over by them.

"What your mother and I asked you here today for…was to discuss your future. We know it's important to you and we're so glad that you aren't like other college students who take it for granted. But we'd like to see you do something more. A little more in the family," he said, scratching his chin.

I raised a single eyebrow from my spot in the lumpy chair.

My mother, who was sat on her pristine, white couch, blinked wildly and decided to give her two cents worth. "What your father is trying to say, Isabella, is that we're offering you a direction, a real focus for your life aspirations. We'd like you to come with us and begin to help with deals," she said with a bright smile. It was almost as if they were serious. "We want you to intern with us for your summer break."

I just stared at them for a moment, trying to figure out if they were really offering me a job.

When they didn't break out laughing, I assumed that they were in fact serious.

_Jesus fucking Christ… _

I coughed, clearly caught by surprise at their words.

"You what?"

"We just thought, since you really don't have a direction in school, that we'd give you the helping nudge you need," my mother said sweetly. "You need to make some concrete career plans, Isabella. You can't just sit back and waste your time. It's precious, you know? You'll never be able to get it back once it's gone."

"Well, thank you so much," I said calmly, before standing and dusting off my jeans, "for thinking of me and my wellbeing…after twenty years."

I steadied myself and took a nice deep breath before I opened my mouth again. "Mom, Dad, you're offer is so sweet and very thoughtful, but it has also demonstrated just how little you truly know about me…your own daughter. I have absolutely no interest in dealing art. In all honesty, the thought of it bores me to no end. Besides that, I do have a major, in English. I want to become a teacher. I'm pretty sure I've told you that, only about a thousand times, considering it's been my dream since I was fourteen. I appreciate you taking time out of you precious schedules to hold this little powwow. But from now on, just go back to ignoring my existence; it's actually easier that way. Goodbye."

I turned and walked out of the room, the only sound that could be heard was of my heels clicking against the hardwood floors on the way out.

They didn't stop me, but the way my mother's jaw propped open during my backlash was enough to tell me that they were shocked by words. I had never talked back or stood up to them before; I had always been the dutiful, obedient daughter. But this time I'd had enough of their bullshit and had to take control of my own life.

I didn't regret anything though. They needed that; to understand just how little they knew about their daughter, or her hopes and dreams. They'd given up on me for twenty years and then just decided that they were going to be parents? No dice.

Once in Rose's Jeep, I took a deep breath, looked back at my parent's imposing house and wiped away the few tears that had slipped from my eyes. I then headed home, to my true home, and thankfully I wasn't late for dinner, Esme was just setting the table when I got there. Something that I'd never seen my mother do in my entire existence.

"I'm just going to change and then I'll be right down," I promised her as I silently committed the scene to memory. Who knew something so simple could truly warm your heart.

"Okay honey," she said sweetly as I hurried through the living room and up the stairs.

I changed my clothes and cleaned myself up before popping into Rose's room to let her know I was back.

"Thanks for letting me borrow the Jeep," I said tossing the keys on to her bed.

"No problem, how'd it go?"

I shrugged, not wanting to rehash all the details, but said, "Not as bad as it could've. They certainly proved, though, that they're indifference and dismissal of me all these years has left them knowing nothing about my life."

Rose didn't say anything before bringing me into a knowing hug before we both broke off and headed downstairs.

***C***

The rest of the day passed without much significance. We had a delicious meal and I was then left to my own devices, while Rose excused herself to Paul's for the night. I understood it and in no way did I feel abandoned, she needed time with him and she sure as hell did not need to babysit me.

I hugged her tight and told her to have fun with a big goofy smile. I meant it too. She deserved some fun after kicking ass on her finals. We both did really, all that studying and staying in really paid off in the end.

She was just about to walk out the door when it opened behind her. For a split second, both of us looked confused as to who could be coming in.

But then my mind sped up.

I gulped, steeling myself. Trying to, at least.

"Oh sorry," the person grumbled behind her. As soon as I heard that voice…dread consumed me. He was supposed to be away from here.

"Edward, jeez, knock me over why don't you," Rose said with a scowl creasing her sweet face.

"Sorry, Rosie, I didn't see you there," he said softly, sounding genuine.

She nodded and moved aside as he came through the door, kicking off his boots on the way.

His eyes stayed trained on me while he stepped to the side of Rose before finally whispering, "Hey," to me.

I returned it just as quietly, because honestly I wasn't completely sure I wanted to be talking to him.

There was still anger there. Resentment and hurt too.

But instead of hiding, I made my presence known. I plopped on the couch with a new book. I wasn't about to become a coward around him.

Edward sighed audibly and grabbed his bags, but instead of following me, he went upstairs without another word.

Needless to say, I didn't get a hell of a lot of reading done that evening. No, my mind was racing. I knew we were going to have to talk eventually, but I didn't know where to start or what to say.

***C***

Esme had gratefully spent some time with me. We were doing each other's nails and talking at the kitchen table. It was true mother-daughter bonding time.

"I'm so glad you've finally found something that you love," she commented, brushing some lavender polish on to my nails.

We'd gotten on to the topic of school after I asked her about her charity.

She assured me that I was going to be great at whatever I did in life. But thought I'd make a wonderful teacher, as I'd always loved school and children - referring to my high school straight A's and volunteer work at the hospital children's ward during summer vacations.

I really appreciated her love and support. It meant so much to me, especially coming from a lovely woman like her.

"It's not easy, but it's really interesting and I think that's what keeps me going the most. It would be hard to concentrate on something that didn't fascinate me."

"Oh definitely. I just wish Rose was as certain as you were," she commented lightly.

Rose had begun college determined to be a family lawyer, then she settled for an attorney her sophomore year, and now, after junior year had finished, she was considering just being a paralegal. I could see her indecision, she didn't want to waste valuable time on something she wasn't sure about, but sooner or later you needed to bite the bullet and figure out what you were going to make of your life.

I found that out the hard way.

When she finished with the second coat I fanned my nails in the air and waited for them to dry fully.

"So, I heard you guys were thinking about an apartment for next year?" she asked, changing the topic again.

I guess both of us were ignoring the rather large elephant upstairs.

"Yeah, Rose and I are kind of tired of dorm life. I figure if I can get a job up there starting in the fall then we should be able to afford it."

Esme's eyebrows drew together in confusion.

"I-I um, I don't want to use their money for everything anymore," I whispered through a lump in my throat, "just for necessities until I can afford those on my own as well."

Yes, it was true that my parents were still paying for my college tuition, but I chalked that up to a necessity. I needed an education.

"Are you sure about that? I know they don't mind," she said quietly.

I swallowed and then said firmly, "Yeah, I've been thinking about this for a while, it's time I grow up. And truthfully Esme, all I've ever been is a burden to them, and I don't want to feel that way anymore."

"That's very admirable, Bella, but I know they don't see you as a burden. I believe, despite everything, that they love you. But if you don't feel comfortable using their money, don't ever forget, we're here for you too. You never have to go without anything."

I smiled at her, tears pooling in my eyes. "Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me."

She and Carlisle had to be two of the nicest people to ever exist. I truly didn't know what I would do without them. My life would've been so empty.

Then, we started talking about the kids she'd met through the charity and she was busy telling me about each of them when Edward came in from the living room. He was quiet and kept his eyes on the fridge. I, of course, wasn't about to say anything to him, but I did sit there waiting for him to do something, say something, but he didn't.

He silently made himself a sandwich and then left…without even looking at me once.

I heard the soft footfalls trailing up the stairs. He went to eat alone, again.

A knot settled in my stomach and I wondered if it was my fault. I would hate myself if that was the way it ended up. That he felt uncomfortable eating in the kitchen of his own home.

Esme let out a long sigh and tapped her fingers against the polished oak. I guess we were going to talk about that big old elephant now.

"He's been like this for the past week."

I hummed, not really wanting to discuss it. _Wait…what? He'd been here for a week?_ I tried to hide my surprise… How did I not know this before I got here? Where had he been hiding?

She continued, obviously not noticing my surprise at her statement, "He's in a funk, but every time I try to talk to him, he just tells me he's fine."

"Well, maybe something happened between him and Cinna- I mean Siobhan," I offered politely, still trying to figure out why he was still here.

She shook her head. "No, no, no, he's been done with that awful thing for a while. That little trollop is finally out of his life, forever."

"That's good," I said almost like a question, still a little at a loss for words, and a bit confused. It was clear Esme didn't know the side of things that I did. Babies, yeah those things just didn't go away…if there really was one. And given that Cinnacunt was probably the spawn of Satan, I still couldn't see her lining up outside of the free clinic to get an abortion. So I was sure she was still pregnant… Something was not adding up here… I had no idea what the hell was going on. "I'm sure he just misses New York and his apartment."

She shook her head and explained, "No…um…I don't think that's it. He's here Bella, he's here for good. He is not going back to New York…ever."

"What?" I questioned and gasped at the same time, there was just no way he would move all the way back here. His work was in New York, his life was, for the most part, in New York.

"Yeah, he moved back here. He said there was nothing for him in New York anymore, and he missed being home. That he missed…other things as well."

_Holy shit! _That was news.

"Wow."

"Yes, wow sums it up, but ever since he's been back, he's been moping around," she said glumly. "He has hardly carried on more than a two minute conversation with either me or Carlisle, and he's made no effort to see any of his friends." She sighed, shaking her head.

I just nodded not knowing what to say, I certainly wasn't about to jump on the bandwagon to cheer him up…of that I was positive.

"I'm a little lost as to what to do. Carlisle and I know something happened back in New York that he's not telling us, something serious, but we have no way to know what for sure. We just know, this isn't him at all, and that something has caused him to withdraw himself. We're a bit worried…he's never shut us out like this before."

"I have no idea," I said softly. It wasn't a complete lie, because everything he had told me was when he was under the influence. I had no desire to spread rumors I wasn't sure of…and now I was more confused and to be honest a bit concerned.

"But these are gorgeous," I told her staring down at my nails, looking for any way to get off the topic of Edward.

She smiled. "Mine are too, I think Cassie down at nail emporium has some competition."

I cracked a grin and grabbed my book.

"I've got some work to do," she said softly, looking me over.

"Yeah, I really need to get back to this," I told her, holding my book up. "Trying to enjoy some pleasure reading for a change."

She laughed at that, and we broke off.

That was pretty much what my summer would entail, reading. But it was still nice and relaxing and I was looking forward to the down time.

The days began to slide into one another and then a week had passed. Edward had been completely avoiding me, and I was somewhat relieved and made no effort to seek him out either, but also really curious as to what happened that he left everything behind in New York and moved home.

I started to run in the mornings. It was something I normally did when I was home in the summer, because let's face it, it was cold as fuck in the winter and with college I had kind of gotten out of the groove, but it felt great to be back at exercising. A good, hard run could do wonders for relieving stress too. Something I'd needed since hearing about Edward. I just couldn't get my mind off of him.

Then after a shower and some food, I would grab a book and go find a shady spot to read. I had even looked up some of the books I'd need to read for next year, and sought out a few at the library.

Every now and then I would see Edward come home, presumably from wherever he was working, but I asked for no information from anyone, because I just didn't want to know anything about his life. I was coping - barely - by living around him, and while I was admittedly interested as to what happened between him and Cinnabitch and with the baby…I just could not bring myself to find out. Ignorance is bliss after all…or at least for me.

***C***

A few days later, I'd been spending the morning looking into my summer reading, but my new laptop had been making that hard to do because it kept shutting down on me and occasionally the track pad would stop working.

_So fucking annoying. _

I glared at the fucker and told it to work.

But all the shouting in the world was useless. It just wouldn't listen.

I sighed and pushed it off my lap before grabbing me phone.

Esme and Carlisle were thoughtful enough to make sure I had a protection plan on my new little beauty, so I whipped it out and dialed the number on the card.

I explained the issue to the technician and let him know about all the funny things it had been doing. He determined that with it being so hot and the track pad not working, it could be a battery issue and informed me that bringing it to an Apple store would be my best bet for a speedy battery replacement.

I agreed knowing that it would be a week or more before I got a new battery and I needed to get a head start on this homework.

So I went downstairs in search of anyone that would be willing to drive me to the nearest Apple outlet.

When I went down, I saw Rose's Jeep was still gone.

_Fuck, she was still with Paul. _

I knew I could call her and that she would tear herself away from him for me, but what kind of friend would I be to do that to her, especially since she'd had just started seeing him daily.

I sighed and looked around for signs of Esme or Carlisle. Both of them loved shopping just as much as the next person and since all the Apple stores around us were in malls it would be pretty easy to get them to go.

_God, I needed a car. _I was definitely getting one this summer… I'd decided, even though I wanted to do the apartment on my own in the fall, to let my parent's money buy me a nice car. I needed it now for school soon and to get a job, and I felt they at least owed me that. I was positive they wouldn't bat an eyelash when they got the credit card statement. I'd have to talk to Rose tonight.

I glanced at the calendar hanging on the fridge. "Shit," I muttered seeing that Esme was at a conference for her charity and Carlisle was working.

"For fuck's sake," I whispered to myself.

I guess I was just going to have to get them to ship me a battery. There was no way I was going to be able to get a jump on my reading list, at least for now.

"Damn it, I really need to get a fucking car," I spat then sighed, opening the fridge.

"I can take you wherever you need to go, Bella," someone whispered from behind me.

I jumped and dropped the juice was holding.

* * *

**What did you think of Bella standing up to her parents?**

**So Edward's back for good, or at least that's what Esme says... hmmm?**

**And who do you think is offering to take her to the Apple store?**

**See you tomorrow for some Traveler... Weds for some Tick Tock and Friday for the teaser in the group! **


	24. Answers

**Thank you MC for all your help and then all the extra that you did with this chapter! You're far and beyond just a beta or a good friend! I don't know what I'd do without you doll! **

* * *

**Chapter 24 Crushing**

**EPOV**

_I was standing there, unable to keep the words from my mouth when I saw her beautiful face crease in frustration. _

She was stunning, but pissed, that much I could see clearly and all I wanted to do was to fix it. It was hard sitting back, just watching her. There were so many times when I would just look at her and the words would want to fall out of my mouth, but I couldn't let them. Not with her angry at me.

I heard her groan quietly. I knew I wasn't going to be her first choice, but I'd been down earlier and I was certain that I was her only option.

Besides that, the thought of spending some time with her made the first real joy I'd felt in a long time course through me.

She shook her head. "It's okay, um, it can wait."

I guess I hadn't anticipated just how much she didn't want to go with me, but I supposed it only made sense after all that had, and hadn't, happened between us.

I watched as her tiny fists tightened at her sides as she tried to calm herself. It was strange, seeing her like that. All worked up and a beautiful flush tinting those soft cheeks. I had to reign myself in more than ever.

If I was being honest, I'd always had some kind of feelings for her. Bella was special in every way and over the past few years I'd been fighting my attraction more and more. She had developed into a gorgeous young woman. But any time I ever considered making a move, I always felt my gut twisting. She was so much younger, not to mention the fact that she had practically become like an adopted sister to me. So the thought of pursuing a relationship with her always made me feel a little uneasy. And of course, I didn't really know her true feelings on the subject. Yes, we'd almost had sex and that was an indescribable feeling, but there was so much alcohol involved that I didn't know what she really wanted.

"No, really, I don't mind, I'm off today. I'll take you," I said, touching her wrist gently.

Any contact at all was something to be treasured. And at this point I needed it. I'd been six months since the last time I'd touched her.

My uneasiness, for the most part, had passed. I tried to live without her. Settling myself into a relationship with a woman I could never love and forcing myself to nearly marry her out of spite.

I just couldn't do it anymore.

And since I'd fucked up so badly with Bella, I knew that baby steps were the only way I was going to get anywhere with her. I guess that was one reason why I'd been avoiding her since she was home; I didn't want to scare her away before I had the chance to make things better. I needed to make them better. That much was clear to me.

This was my perfect opportunity and I wasn't about to let it pass me by.

I loved watching her deep brown eyes go wide with such a simple touch. But I was left feeling like a teenager, completely unsure if she liked it or not.

It had been the first contact I'd had with her since…well, since Christmas. The way my heart started to race and my knees felt all weak, yeah, maybe it was pathetic, but this girl, she'd taken over my heart and soul.

I didn't mind though, now that I was used to it at least. And hopefully soon she would talk to me. That was something to look forward to as well.

"Listen Edward," she said stuttering a little over my name, "I don't think it's really anything you'd be interested in doing."

She had no idea. If it entailed six hours of watching paint dry, as long as I got to be close to her, I'd do it in a heartbeat; there was no doubt about that. Now, I just had to convince her of that.

"If it's to see, um, that guy, I, uh, I'll take you," I barely whispered. As I said, I was willing to do anything, even if it was to take her to see someone else.

Bella was beautiful and that was a hard fact for me to swallow. I didn't know why I imagined that she would just wait around, but I was clearly wrong. She had been swept off her feet. And what killed me, was that the guy was nice. He treated Bella like a princess and from what Rose had said, they got along good too. So it wasn't hard to believe they would still be together now that it was summer.

She shook her head, instantly relieving my body of tension. I guess, even though I was willing to take her there, I wasn't overly happy about it. "No, it's nothing like that. My computer is just broken and they think the battery is bad, but I have to go to an Apple store to get it fixed today, otherwise I have to wait at least a week to have one shipped to me."

That's it? Hell yes. And if I was right the nearest Apple store was more or less like three hours away. That meant I would have plenty of time to myself with her.

"Okay, so Tacoma?"

"Yeah, that's the closest one," she answered, looking wary. I didn't like that, not one bit.

I was beside myself at trying to come up with a way to make her feel comfortable with me. It was going to be a long trip and this tension that she had built up wasn't going to be easy to deal with.

"Sounds good, I could use a few things. It'll be like old times, you know, fun," I told her smiling, before touching her shoulder lightly.

It felt so good to finally be close to her again.

She nodded and gave me a small smile in return, not looking quite as apprehensive as she had before. That made me feel better, not good, but it seemed as if the cloud that had been hovering over us was beginning to lift.

"Okay, great, just let me clean up a little," I offered before disappearing upstairs.

I hurried around, taking a quick shower and redressing in some decent clothes. It wasn't a date, but I still wanted to look good. Bella was important to me and if taking a few extra minutes to ensure that I looked put together and maybe even impressed her, then it was worth it.

*C*

I suggested we take the Camaro. She needed to be driven anyway. I hated keeping her cooped up, but the weather in Washington was not made for sports cars at all. Bella agreed, but didn't look happy about it.

I couldn't really understand it, because we had taken it back in December and she seemed more than excited about it then.

I had almost offered to take the Trailblazer, but she got in quickly and shut her door so I didn't open my mouth.

There were so many questions that were flowing through my mind that I wanted to ask. But I also didn't feel comfortable asking any of them at the moment; I didn't want to push her. It was a strange feeling being so close to her when I hadn't in so long and I wondered if she felt the same about me.

I concentrated on the car. I didn't want to say the wrong thing or bust the fragile peace bubble that we had seemed to have formed. So I took my time shifting through the gears really giving my baby a good work out. She'd been stored away for months and now it was time to put her through her paces.

I noticed Bella staring at me and I wondered if it was because I was riding the car hard or if it was because she was trying to start a conversation.

"Bella," I sighed and steeled myself. I needed to say _something_. "Can we talk a bit, or can I? And maybe, you listen?"

She looked over at me, and spoke softly, "Edward, I don't even know where we should start... You hurt me, deeply, and I don't know if I can get into all that right now." She looked away back out the window.

"I know, and I can't tell you how sorry I am...for everything, but please, I need to explain some things."

She took a deep breath and I listened closely, hoping that I hadn't completely closed off the communication lines.

"Go ahead," she whispered with a resigned sigh.

I could barely hear her, but I wasn't about to complain since we were in a car together and talking no less. All of this was a huge improvement from yesterday.

"I got a text message Christmas Day," I began, because the beginning seemed like a good place to start. She deserved to know and I was more than willing to share some answers with her.

I watched as Bella raised an eyebrow, but never said anything.

So I took that as a signal to keep going.

"It was Siobhan, telling me that I needed to get my ass back to New York immediately, that she had news." I glanced over at Bella and continued, "So I called her, wanting to know what the hell was going on, that I wasn't coming back right away, but said I had to because…I was going to be a father and that she was pregnant."

It felt so good to finally get the words out of my head, off my chest and out of my fucking heart. No one really knew what happened back in New York, just that I was done with her and that she had tried to trap me. The rest, though, they didn't know the whole story.

She didn't look all that surprised, so I was sure I'd mentioned it in one of my late night calls or texts to her. Fuck, I still couldn't believe I'd done that…repeatedly. Sometimes it felt like I didn't even recognize myself when I looked back over my life the past several years. I had so much to make up for, and I had to start with my behavior, and subsequent departure, at Christmas.

"When I got back to New York, everything was different, wrong, you know that. We were through, me and Siobhan, and now she was throwing a child into the mix. It was a lot to handle and I'll be the first to tell you I didn't do it right. I made a lot of mistakes, I have so many regrets, but I can't change any of that, so I am now trying to live with those consequences."

She vaguely nodded, but again said nothing. I didn't blame her though because, really, what could she say; I had fucked up and I was admitting it and explaining the situation, it was all I could do.

"Once I was back I made it very clear to her that I had a job back home and that I didn't intend on living there in New York much longer. That's right; I'd made up my mind to move home before I even went back," I told her honestly. "But then she dropped that baby bomb on me and started in about wedding plans and buying a house. I had to sit back and think, which was very difficult when there were other, more important things, on my mind."

"She wanted a family?" Bella asked, quietly.

"Yeah, she wanted a husband and father for her child. She wanted a house and money to spend. Pretty much, she wanted it all without the work or the love."

Bella raised an eyebrow at that.

"What I found out, not too long ago, was that the child wasn't mine."

That made her turn in her seat and stare at me incredulously.

"What?"

"Her co-worker, a guy named Randy, came to me in March and explained that he and Siobhan had been having an affair for a while."

When I think back to between Christmas and Randy's life-altering announcement it seemed like a blur…a drunken blur. I spent as much time as possible away from the apartment I had with Siobhan, even though I had no intention of abandoning my child, I just couldn't seem to function around Si at the time. I went to dinner and drinks with the few friends and work acquaintances I had in New York, wrapped up work projects with the intent to still leave at some point, while trying to figure out how to move on without Bella, hence the drinking. God, I was an ass. But I had still wanted to move home, and in the back of my mind I think that plan was always there…just waiting…until my life in Siobhan hell was over.

"Oh my goodness," Bella said with a small gasp.

"Yeah, but that's not the worst part. Randy explained, with repeated apologies, that originally he'd kept quiet because he'd wanted me to marry her and take care of the kid, because he was breaking it off with Sio… He already had a family, Bella."

"Why? After all that? He even came to you then. What the fuck?"

"His wife, I guess was snooping real close and he didn't want to upset his kids with a scandalous divorce. So he told her everything, and I'm not sure what happened there with his wife, but he is taking responsibility for his child with Siobhan."

"You're shitting me, that fucking slut slept with a married man and got knocked up?"

I nodded. "Yes, and I had no idea." Bella's words were harsh, but to me they were right on target with how I felt.

No matter, though, what was done, was done. There was no changing that fact and Siobhan did it all to herself.

"So you left?" she wondered after a few minutes. "But how did you know for sure the baby wasn't yours?"

"Yeah, I left, but not until after a DNA test proved that I was positively not the father. Although, I'd had my doubts at first because…ugh…I hadn't…we hadn't…you know…for a while, but she swore it had to be mine, and I had no reason to question her. After all, we'd been together for over a year."

She seemed to like that answer. Maybe honesty was truly the best policy and could set you free…I could only hope and pray that was true.

Bella was quiet for a bit, but then said, "Thank you, Edward, for explaining all that. It doesn't take away the pain and humiliation I felt after you just left…but it's good to know what happened." She then laid her head back against the head rest and turned to look out the window.

And after a few sighs I decided to keep quiet until we got to the mall. Bella had enough to think about with all the new information I'd just given her.

I could only hope that she would realize the reason why I had come back home. And I hoped we could talk more later.

Three hours went by surprisingly fast and the only little fight we had was about music, which we both laughed about.

~C~

"So they think it's only the battery?" I wondered as I parked the car in the mall parking lot.

"Yeah, that's what the guy on the phone said when I told him about the issues with it."

I nodded. "You know I picked that one out for you," I mentioned before I got out of the car and walked around to her side.

I figured she ought to know. I didn't want her to end up with something she was going to hate, so when Mom and Dad mentioned they were considering buying her a laptop, I couldn't help but step in and offer my expertise. Bella deserved something she was going to love and that was going to be useful for her needs. I made sure that her laptop was just that.

"Thanks," she whispered, looking up at me as she climbed out of the car.

I waited in line behind her after she checked in to her appointment. I wasn't about to stray far, not in a place like this with so many men eyeing her like a piece of meat.

She was gorgeous and while I couldn't blame them, I still wasn't about to give them a chance.

"Bella S," a guy in a blue shirt called and she walked forward, smiling brightly. If I was guy, I would've been knocked flat on my ass with that killer smile.

"Hi, I'm Nick. What can I help you two with today?" he asked. This guy made me nervous, so much so that I stood closer to Bella. I wanted to make sure _Nick_ didn't screw her over either.

"Um, I guess my battery is broken. I called the support people and they were the ones that suggested I bring it to you guys."

Bella didn't seem to mind my presence at all though. She even leaned into me at one point, which made my heart start to beat a little faster.

"Okay, let me see," Nick said, taking the laptop from her grasp. Bella looked hopeful as she gladly handed it over to him, but I wasn't so sure.

First, he diligently powered it up and tried to click around, before realizing that the mouse wasn't working. I shook my head, this guy must've thought very little of Bella.

I kept a sharp eye on him, watching to see if he was making a mistake. Unlike some, I knew what I was doing when it came to computers. I used them all the time for my photography.

"I can see what's going on here. Have you abused it at all, you know charging it with dirty power or anything like that?" The _genius_ questioned and I stood there looking appalled.

I knew what dirty power was, it was more the suggestion that she would ever treat her computer with anything but respect. For one, it was a gift from two of the most wonderful people in her world. And two, she just loved that laptop, Bella could never do that and I intended to make that point vitally clear.

"She hasn't done anything to it. I don't think she's ever charged it in a car since she doesn't have one. None of the power that she'd have used would've been questionable." My voice was firm and by the look on _Nick's _face, he knew not to continuing fucking with me.

"Ugh…okay," he said before flipping the computer over and removing some screws. I watched him as he carefully removed the back and revealed a very puffy looking battery. I could see that the battery didn't look all that healthy.

"Yep, doesn't look good here," the guy muttered as he gently removed it from the computer.

I agreed. "Yeah, that's got to be bad."

"All right, let me go in the back and see if we have a new one."

We were left there waiting together and as Bella stood there clearly worrying over her laptop, I finally realized just how close we were really standing together. She was right there and her arm was on the counter next to mine. We were so close, almost touching and I craved it. Even worse than spring break or Easter. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, hug her, and thank her for accepting the olive branch I'd offered.

Truthfully, I wanted to grab her and kiss the ever living hell out of, and yell at the top of my lungs how fucking sorry I was and how much I wanted her! But I wouldn't…baby steps…very important; I'd keep telling myself.

Nick was back in no time though and I needed to concentrate on him again. He was a tricky little bastard and I wasn't going to let him put anything over on to my girl, I meant, Bella.

"This should do the trick," he murmured as he placed the back cover on and tightened the screws.

I was pleased, over all the laptop looked good. And the cover fit much better now.

And when Nick started it back up and showed us both that it was working fine, I was happy. Bella looked relieved as well.

After Nick took the time to check her Apple Care plan on her computer and typed a few things into the computer, he deemed us ready to go. Bella slipped her newly fixed up laptop safely back in her carrying case and slung it over her shoulder. I felt privileged to get to watch that unadulterated smile cross her beautiful face once she was sure her laptop was going to work.

With a grin I lead her out of the store with my hand placed lightly on her back. It was more of an intimate touch and I did worry that she was going to flip out, but I wanted to touch her, to feel her softness. It was something I'd been dying for since Christmas.

Every time I saw her since, I would have to stop myself from reaching out to her.

We walked out, back into the middle of the mall. I knew this place, thanks to my friends who would drag me here once a month in high school, but Bella looked a little lost.

"Do you wanna grab some lunch and then I need to head in to B and H for a second?" I asked.

Lunch was my plan all along. We weren't trapped within the confines of a car. We had room to breathe. I wanted to talk, to apologize, and to fill her in on the rest of my side of what went down. Maybe even get her to understand my obnoxious behavior. And I was hoping she'd open up to me a bit as well.

"What were you thinking?" I wondered as we stood there. Bella looked a little taken aback as she looked at all the glittering store fronts.

This mall was huge and it was definitely overwhelming, there was no doubt about that. But Bella and Rose shopped regularly, so I wondered if something else was bothering her. And I guessed it was probably me, but I wanted to change that. To make her see that I'm still me. I'd made it through some of the hardest things in my life and now I was ready to be with her. It was tough getting to that point, but I persevered and finally made it.

"I was thinking maybe something quick, like a burger?"

Quick , huh?

I shook my head. I needed a little time with her. If we made it back home without talking some more I was sure that she was going to go back to ignoring my existence, or at least being distant. Yes, we had talked some in the car on the way here, but there was so much more to say.

"If you don't mind, I saw a Cheesecake Factory on the way in and I've been dying for some of that goodness. My treat, of course," I said softly. Her eyes never left mine, even though I could see perfectly well that she was beyond nervous.

"That sounds great," she whispered with a small smile playing at her lips.

Fuck, those lips were gorgeous. I licked my own when I saw them, wanting to kiss them, run my thumb over them, maybe even nibble on them.

It was hard to not get a little excited about eating lunch with her.

"Come on, it's this way." I lead her through the crowds of people all the way back down to the first level and around to the front doors of the Cheesecake Factory.

We stood quietly in front of the hostess station waiting to be seated.

Our hands kept brushing each other's and I was beginning to feel more and more like a teenager. This woman had completely flipped my world upside down.

"How many?" a young woman asked as her eyes breezed past Bella towards me. But I wasn't about to let her upset Bella.

"Two, please," I answered calmly, but coolly.

The hostess straightened her stance, nodded and led us to a tiny table tucked away in the corner. As we were walking though, my hand found its way to her back. My knuckles lightly brushed along the waist line of her jeans, where her shirt wasn't quite touching. Her soft skin was there and I was taking full advantage of it.

"There you go," the hostess said before placing our menus down on the table and telling us that our server would be right out.

I pulled out her chair and smiled before taking my own seat.

We sat there perusing the menus in silence. It wasn't completely uncomfortable, but on the other side of things, it wasn't completely comfortable either.

I wanted to just jump into the topics that needed to be discussed, but that wouldn't have been good.

After our drink order was in, both of us with sodas, I sat back, quietly thinking about how I wanted to broach everything. I knew I had my chance and I wasn't about to screw it up.

I hesitantly reached across the table and gently laid my hands over hers. I needed some kind of connection.

"I want to say I'm sorry, I need to. I've made some big mistakes in the past year and you were on the receiving end of a lot of them."

I swallowed hoping to gain the strength I needed.

"What I said to you, before I left was harsh. I was trying to push you away. You know now what was happening, but at the time I didn't want you to know the mess I was in and it was a rash decision," I started, hoping to make her see where I was coming from.

"So you don't think I'm a little girl lost?" she snapped, grabbing her hands back from under mine.

I deserved that, so I calmly took a breath. "Honestly Bella, I have so many issues, that I don't have the right to say anything to anyone. I was just looking for a way out. I needed some space to deal with Siobhan and her shit. Hell, before I left I really wondered if I was going to be a father."

She nodded slightly. "Yeah, I get that part, Edward."

I coughed a little, clearing my throat, wanting to gather my next words.

"I'm also sorry for the phone calls," I breathed. "I can't really remember everything that was said on them, but either way, you of all people, didn't deserve that."

"While it was annoying and brought back painful memories, it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened," she said slowly. "But what I'm really curious about, is why you did it?"

I shook my head, I knew saying I was drunk was a cop out, so I went for the truth and hoped that it would help me in the long run.

"You're the only one I knew I could turn to." And every piece of that was the truth. I'd just made a huge fucking mess at home. Bringing in a woman I didn't love or, obviously from her affair, really know for that matter that was my fiancée and then ending up in bed with Bella who was supposed to be like my little sister. God, I still couldn't believe I did that…to Bella.

"I'm sorry for not answering your calls, but it was just too much for me to handle at the time," she whispered. "I needed distance from you _not_ connection."

I reached over again for her hands, feeling brave. "It's okay; I didn't really expect you to. What I did, well it was atrocious and not answering a few phone calls could never amount to that. I guess it was just my way of keeping a connection to you…without being able to be with you."

Our appetizers arrived just a moment later and we dug in. I was suddenly very hungry and I wanted to give both a few minutes to process everything.

I broke apart a piece of a fried mac and cheese ball and relished in the amazing taste.

She did the same. I watched as she carefully forked apart her own and quickly ate it.

After a few swallows of some ice cold soda, I found her staring at me as if wanting to continue this little dance we had been doing. So I guessed it was my turn.

"How's Jimmy?" I asked. I tried to make sure my tone was light; there was no need to pressure her.

She smiled and I instantly wanted to frown. "He's good, I imagine. He's probably very happy to be home."

I nodded, feeling uncomfortable.

"He lives in Rhode Island."

"That must be hard for you guys," I said with a sigh.

She raised an eyebrow in question.

"Just being away from each other like this with so much distance between you."

She shook her head. "Edward, we're just friends."

I was so lost. There was just no way. Not after what I'd seen at Easter.

I set my fork down and looked her dead in the eyes.

"You're not with him?"

"Nope," she answered quickly.

"So you two broke up?"

"No, we weren't ever together."

I shook my head. But just as I was going to question her about it our entrees came. I quietly reminded myself that it really wasn't my place to say something.

We ate, just enjoying the silence that for the first time in a while actually seemed comfortable between us.

Instead she focused on eating and we easily discussed Rose and her indecisiveness on school. I was wary about her antics, saying that she'll probably regret it later on. Bella told me while I was most likely right, she still felt like it was Rose's life to live and if she currently had a better plan for life, so fucking be it.

"I think she wants to get married," I mentioned with a sigh. I wasn't overly excited about this prospect. Rose was young, too young for marriage in my opinion. But I knew she was happy and I wasn't about to stand in front of that.

"Of course she does, she loves him. But remember, they worked to be together. Paul had his issues with Leah and it took a while for them to be in a good place to move forward. I don't think Rose is just gonna run off and elope. I think she wants to be ready to settle down when Paul asks. And while she doesn't know about the house he wants to buy yet, I'm sure she's aware of all the extra hours he's clocking in."

I nodded. "Paul's a good guy. I never said that he wasn't. I'm just worried that she's going to tie herself down and then not be able to accomplish her dreams."

"Dreams change. They mold and conform to what's happening. Rose would make a wonderful mother and wife and if that's what happened I don't think she would regret a second of it."

"Even at her age?" I asked skeptically.

"When are you going to get that we aren't that young anymore?" she snapped.

I took a swallow of my drink before clearing my throat. Fuck, she was right and I really needed to wrap my mind around that. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that at twenty I wouldn't have been ready for it."

"Well, I know Rose would be if those were options at the moment. Especially with Paul."

"What about you?" I wondered quickly.

I watched her features as they contorted in pain. I'd stepped too far, too much all at once.

"Yes. I would much rather graduate college before I popped out any kids, but I've found I don't like dating around. So settling down seems like an easy thing for someone like me."

I took that little piece and tucked it away. I didn't know if she was just telling me that, or if she meant it for me. Either way, I was keeping it.

I paid and we left. We weren't holding hands, now, but she was standing much closer to me on her own accord and that was enough to make me happy.

I found a few new lenses I needed for my upcoming project, and then as I scoured the shelves I found another one that sparked my interest. It wouldn't be used right away, but maybe one day soon.

I found Bella over by the video cameras playing around.

It definitely gave me a few ideas, but like the other lens, it was going to have to wait until we were in a better place.

"You found what you need?" she asked looking at my arm full of purchases.

"Yep, got them all," I told her.

"Good, I'm glad you didn't come all this way just for me."

I nodded, not telling her that there was a perfectly good photography shop in Port Angeles. I wasn't about to spoil her good mood, even though I did want to tell her that I would go anywhere for her.

We headed out to the car, and after everything was carefully loaded in I opened Bella's door. My mother taught me to be a gentleman and let's face it, I wasn't about to blow what we had going.

The drive home was much more relaxing. I was even able to enjoy the music she put on. Although, Bella was distant for a while; not talking much just watching pensively out her window.

It was when we were still about an hour from home that she finally said something other than just idle conversation, and I was shocked.

"I wanted to thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" I wondered, feeling utterly lost.

_What on Earth could she be thanking me for?_

"You were right, I was…am…lost. My parents never provided the guidance and love they should have and I've realized that I've been searching, craving, trying to find…I don't know, what I was missing all those years." Bella paused and took a deep breath. "And…when I started to have feelings for you, a few years ago, it started to fill that void I had in my heart, in my mind. I never thought you'd ever return those feelings, so I never said anything to anyone but Rose. But then this past Christmas I decided, since I wasn't a kid anymore, maybe you wouldn't see me as one and would want me. But then you showed up with a fiancée and I was," she looked right in my eyes, "crushed."

I blew out a breath, as I accelerated on the highway. "Wow, I never knew you had any of those feelings for me. If I had known… God, if you had only told me sooner, Bella…or if I'd… fuck," I muttered, feeling lost at her words, smacking my hand on the steering wheel.

Bella had feelings for me. She had feelings for me for a few years…

She would've returned all that I had felt for her over the years.

_Fuck…_

But now, how was I supposed to tell her how I felt without looking like more of an asshole.

Just when I thought we'd solved everything…

We had so much more to talk about.

* * *

**Alright, you have a few answers, right?**

**What did you think of Edward's time back in New York?**

**Or what Sio did?**

**How about his already knowing he wanted to move back home?**

**And who liked his apology?**

**See you tomorrow for some more Traveler, Weds for Tick Tock, Thursday for Traveler, and Friday in the group for the teaser! Love you guys! **


	25. Time

**Thanks to MC on this one, she's simply amazing and she has no idea. **

* * *

**Chapter 25**

**BPOV**

I lay in bed the next morning relaxing, I couldn't bring myself to get out of my soft, warm cocoon. Everything that happened the day before seemed so surreal that I didn't want to get up and find out it was all a figment of my imagination.

For the first time, in a long time, I'd acted like an adult. And I was proud of myself.

Edward and I had a calm, relatively collected, conversation about what happened between us six months ago. It wasn't the easiest talk to have, but it felt good to have it out in the open. And to know that he wasn't a complete asshole helped a lot. Although, I still found it difficult to understand how he didn't really comprehend that I'd had feelings for him for years. I hadn't thought I'd been that good at masking it. I guess maybe I was better than I thought, or he really just didn't see how I felt for him all this time.

I had to admit, after the conversation that I'd had with Edward, I felt a lot better about things between us. I had listened to him openly; because I was so tired of feeling angry and hurt all the time. He was real and honest with me, and I was glad I had let him explain. The shit had hit the fan in New York and he had been in a messy situation. Looking back on the drunkenness and the late night phone calls, I could kind of see where he was coming from when he was acting so lost, and even though it wasn't a very responsible reaction and behavior for an adult in that situation, he recognized that those actions were not his best moments.

Did I regret not picking up the phone and hearing him out?

No, because I think I would've hurt worse if I did. It wouldn't have just been my heart I ached for, it would've been his too. And I also didn't think I would've found the help I needed dealing with my parents' abandonment.

Some things happen for a reason, right?

That's how the saying goes.

And now that I looked back, I think, for me, I needed to suffer that heartbreak and loss. I needed to go through the hurt and pain to see how badly I was messed up inside.

In the fall, when I returned to school I planned to start seeing a counselor. It was going to be hard opening up to and admitting it all to a complete stranger, but all of my psychology classes pointed in that direction. You needed someone else's help before you could help yourself, was one of the lessons I'd learned.

The thought of finally talking it out and getting it off my chest was cathartic on its own; I couldn't imagine how it would feel when I'd actually completed the task.

I only hoped that a huge weight would be gone.

I giggled thinking about the situation that Cinnacunt had gotten herself in. Sure, it probably sounded mean, but she so deserved that. Karma was biting her in the ass and drawing blood. It's just very sad that an innocent child had to be caught in the midst of it all.

And then my lips lifted into a smile. I was worried that once we pulled into the driveway, every good feeling that we'd built over the day would dissipate. But it didn't. He opened the door for me and walked close to me even as we entered the house. They were all good signs.

But the best part was when he said we both needed some time to think. That was a good thing. We both needed it. After all the new information I had, thinking was a must. And I supposed my little piece that I offered him in the car would require some thinking on his part as well.

He didn't look upset or even angry when he said it really, just more frustrated that he hadn't realized how I'd felt all these years. It seemed as though he was really quite happy that we'd talked at all. I was too. I think he finally understood how I felt at Christmas when I told him I wanted him, and then he pushed me away.

I was really looking forward to making it back to where we had once been. Whether that meant that we were just friends or maybe something more, either way I was willing to forgive and Edward looked like he was willing to work for it. That right there was enough to give me hope.

When I finally did pull myself out of bed, I saw that Esme still wasn't home and Carlisle had left me some coffee.

I waltzed over to the coffee maker and poured myself a nice still hot cup before settling down at the table. I flipped through the paper trying to think of something to do for the day.

I didn't really want to spend the whole day cooped up reading. While I loved it and a good book could keep me company hours on end, today I felt the need to express the lightness I felt. And it felt great.

When I opened the door and felt the heat, I knew exactly what I was doing today.

Swimming.

It was eighty-five degrees out and the humidity was out of sight.

Swimming seemed like the only logical thing to do on a hot day like today.

Not to mention the Cullen's pool looked very tempting just sitting there not being used and all. So after a call to Rose to see if her and Paul wanted to come over for a dip, I went upstairs to slip on a two piece that had been gathering cobwebs in my closet.

Yeah, I was trying to get Edward to notice me.

We'd been over the fact that he was sorry. He explained what happened in New York and he mentioned that he was single, but not once did he ever confirm any kind of mutual feelings for me.

Honestly, I think he was still reeling from all that happened with Siobhan; I still couldn't believe what she did, how she manipulated him. I was torn on how I felt about Edward now… Yes, he had an excuse, in a way, for his behavior, but it certainly didn't negate all that he put me through. If only he'd been honest with me… I just kept going back and forth on this. I wanted to move on now, but I also remembered how hurt I felt for months after Christmas.

I knew we needed to take it slow, that much was obvious, for both our sakes, but I still wanted more than just friendship with him. I knew, deep in my heart that I would never want any other man; I'd tried and failed. And yes, I'd learned you needed to talk about your wants and make them clear, but at the moment, I just wanted to have a little fun for a few days. I was tired of all the heavy with my life, with Edward, and I hoped I could enjoy some of my break.

It was summer and so as I donned my outfit, I giggled to myself, seeing Edward sweat a little over a teeny bikini was going to be the highlight of my day.

I tied the strings and made sure everything was covered with my wrap, before stepping out into the hallway. Edward was in his room, he wasn't hiding though, no, he was doing research for his project. He said the right lighting could make or break a shoot, so I guessed he was looking into lighting.

I was happy for him, getting to do what he loved and paid for it too.

That was something he always joked about but never thought he would get. Now, he had it.

I knocked lightly on the door and when I heard a grumbled, "Come in," I pushed the door open and stepped into his cool room.

Edward was lying on his bed with his laptop at his side. He looked up over the screen at me and I watched in fascination as his jaw went slack and his beautiful eyes went wide.

"Hey," I said softly after a moment. "Rose and Paul are coming over, wanna come down for a swim?"

He nodded slowly. "Sure, just give me…um…a few minutes and I'll be right down." Then just as I turned to leave, he stopped me, "Bella?"

"Yeah."

"Um… Do you think we could talk…alone, later?"

"Sure, but let's relax and have some fun first." I smirked and headed out to the pool. The sun was bright for once and I was glad to see it. It was actually starting to look like summer.

"Hey B," Rose said as she came out the glass slider. Her glittering blue bikini looked so sexy on her and I knew I didn't compare, but I was just happy being able to finally put one on.

"Hi hun," I said, suddenly feeling a little nervous. If anyone was going to be able to tell something was different it was going to be Rose.

She was so perceptive and not just that, but she was protective, and if she thought that I was making a mistake, she was going to let me know. It was as simple as that. I really appreciated that about Rose. I didn't need to guess about her feelings on something and that was probably why we were best friends because there was no bullshit there. We were like sisters in that way.

"Paul will be right out, he's just changing," she told me while she set her things down on a lounger.

Even with the spotty weather Washington seemed to have, Esme was still adamant on having a pool. She had grown up with one back in Ohio where she was from and she felt that her kids needed one too. There was never a summer that went by that it didn't get used.

We always loved it when there was a day good enough to let us enjoy it. We'd always had fun as kids and especially as teens.

I dropped my shades back down in front of my eyes and looked up towards the blaring sun. I sighed, reveling in the feeling of the warmth on my skin.

Rose waded into the pool, not waiting for Edward or Paul.

I sat back, wanting to enjoy the sun for a few more minutes, so I laid back and unfolded my arms.

Paul was next, stepping out and saying hi to me.

"How's it going?" I asked as he set his towel down.

"Good, working a lot," he told me with a side glance.

I nodded, knowing that was his way of saying he was getting close to a down payment on a house.

"Soon then?" I wondered quietly.

A nervous smile spread across his lips and I saw the way his eyes lit up just before turning his attention to Rose.

"Real soon," he whispered.

"Come on in babe, the water's great," Rose yelled from the pool.

"That's good, I'm proud of you," I told him before he jumped in the pool, splattering cool droplets all over me.

I was letting the warm air dry me when Edward finally stepped out. And it was just like that, I found my mouth dry and my heart beginning to beat a little faster.

He certainly could still elicit all kinds of embarrassing reactions from me and he was still wearing his shirt.

"Hey guys," he shouted waving to Rose and Paul who were goofing around in the shallow end.

He turned and gave me a small smile that made my face flush.

_Fuck… I was pathetic._

"Are you going in?" he whispered averting his gaze away from me. I wondered if he was afraid to let them see we were talking.

I nodded. "In a minute."

"Okay," he murmured before stripping off his gray tee, leaving him in just his black board shorts. I was sure my tongue was going to fall out.

I hadn't seen Edward in a swim suit in years. He normally didn't come home during the summers. And seeing him with a little tan, those lean legs, thick thighs and his defined abs were making my mouth water. I reached for my drink and hungrily sipped at it. He looked amazing.

I took a few calming breaths reminding myself that I still needed to think and not just about his body.

In the moment, I settled on just having fun.

Whatever that meant.

I slinked off the lounger and over to the diving board. I felt warm and I was sure it wasn't just from my thoughts of Edward.

I needed to cool off with the water.

So after taking a look around and making sure my strings were tied nice and tight, I walked carefully down the board. I took a deep breath and held it as I gracefully dove in, splashing into the crystal blue water.

The instant refreshment was amazing.

My skin cooled and I felt a lot better.

I swam languidly over to the shallow end where everyone else was hanging around chatting.

I heard Rose talking about how she and Paul were thinking about getting a dog. Edward seemed excited about the idea and was offering up ideas about different breeds that would be good for them.

"German Shepherds are good, you know?" he told her.

"Yeah, but I want something cuddly too."

"Well, Paul will need company when you head back to school in the fall," he said pointedly.

I just rolled my eyes. Edward was still trying to convince her to go back. I really didn't believe she would do it. She was happy with Paul and I knew that an engagement was imminent. Once there was a ring on her finger I knew she wouldn't want to be apart from him.

It wasn't that Paul wouldn't understand. Not that at all. He wanted her to chase her dreams, achieve her goals. I think it was just that she wasn't truly happy with her major anymore and now that she was closing in on the end, it scared her. She was going to be trapped with something she didn't love. So she didn't want to waste any more time working towards something she didn't want anymore.

"E, I've already told you, I'm not sure that's going to happen."

"Yeah, yeah," he murmured walking in a little deeper.

"What kind do you think we should get, B?" Rose asked.

"I already told you I thought you guys would look cute walking a Mastiff."

All three of them snorted.

"I could just see Rosie getting walked by one of those big guys," Edward said with a chuckle.

"Right? Her hair flying behind her as her feet barely touch the ground," I added to it, laughing.

But just as I caught myself, joking with Edward, I looked up to see Rose and Paul were silent, exchanging looks.

Then those eyes turned to me. I shrugged, not able to offer them anything.

They both seemed to let it go after a moment and we all went back to joking, this time Edward was at the receiving end. He was nearing thirty and living at home. I kept it light and so did everyone else. Edward was a good sport, obviously knowing we didn't mean it since we were all laughing.

A little while later Edward asked Paul into the house to show him some ads he'd been working on. Paul was trying to start his own business. It was hard being an electrician without some advertising material.

Pretty much as soon as they left Rose started in questioning me. I knew it was going to happen, I just sort of wished it wasn't this soon because honestly I wasn't entirely sure I was going to have answers for her.

"What are you doing Bella?" she asked quietly. She was my friend and after all that she'd been through with me, I knew I owed her some kind of explanation. It was just hard to put it all into words at the moment.

"What do you mean?" I said, feigning innocence. I knew it wouldn't last long and she would know the truth sooner or later, I just hope she wouldn't think less of me for it.

"You and Edward are talking, when did that happen?"

"Well, let's see, I met you in third grade," I said, tapping my chin.

"Cut the bullshit, Bella," she warned.

"Fine. He took me to the Apple store yesterday. I was bitching because my computer wasn't working and I needed a ride to Tacoma. He happened to hear me and offered."

"He just offered to take you three hours away to get your computer fixed?" Rose asked skeptically. I could see the gears turning in her head.

_Fuck__,__ this was going to be harder than I thought._

"Okay, at first when he offered to take me, it was to go see Jimmy if that was what I wanted. I think he just wanted me to be happy, any way that would make me."

She blew out a breath standing there in the shallow end.

"Did you two at least talk while you were gone?" she wondered.

"Yeah," I answered, treading lightly because really I wasn't sure what Rose knew about his situation in New York and it certainly wasn't my story to tell.

"And what did he say?" she continued with the third degree.

"He told me that some things, bad things, happened in New York between him and Siobhan. Listen, it's not my life, so I'm not going to spill things I'm not supposed to, but let's just put it this way. He had some pretty good reasons for the shit he pulled."

"Good reasons, huh? Doesn't he think I'm owed some sort of explanation too?"

"Rose, he didn't hurt you, did he? Did he tell you that you were fucked up in the head? Did he call you night after night telling you awful things in a drunken fog? Did he break your heart?"

She shook her head and I watched as her attitude slowly shifted back to protective. Yes, she too was hurt, only now it was because he didn't include her in the loop. She would know when the time was right for him.

"Then I take it everything is all happy and flowery now?"

"Fuck Rose, no. Everything is still not the same and I don't know if it ever will be, but we're talking at least, isn't that a good thing?"

I knew she was pissed at him for the shit that he'd done to me. Hell, I was too, but it was easy to forget it when you had him sitting next to you, looking at you like you were the only girl in the whole world.

"Bella, I don't want to see you hurting again," she whispered, looking worried.

I could understand her fears. I was bad. It had been bad. But I was a different person than I'd been then. Stronger. I still needed to prove that to her of all people. She'd been my crutch for so long that she deserved to see me stand on my own two feet for once. And this time with Edward I was determined to do just that.

"What you don't understand is that I'm still hurting, every day. I think I've just learned how to deal with it in a more mature way. I know the pain he's put me through, I've lived it, breathed it. I've laid awake at night feeling like my body was on fire from the heartache. Trust me, I don't want to be in it anymore either. He explained things in a different light to me and I can see where he was coming from, for most of it. Not only that, but he apologized. It was very big of him to do that. So, I'm giving him the credit he deserves."

"A second chance, then?" she questioned, looking wary.

I shook my head. "We didn't venture anywhere near that. For now, I think we're going to work on being friends. I doubt anything more will ever come of it than that. He looked physically ill when I admitted that I'd had feelings for him for a few years now."

"Oh B," she whispered bringing me into a hug, but I was okay. Before today I didn't even really think we would ever talk again, so this was a huge milestone in my book.

"Are you okay?" she asked seriously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. More than fine, actually, I'm sort of happy to be talking with him again."

"That's good. I'm so glad," she said, smiling a big, bright smile at me.

Her wicked blues twinkled. "You know, I just wanted to say that I'm happy you're trying to be friends with him. I just want my family back together," she said with a sigh. I was too. I wanted that just as much as she did.

Just then, Paul and Edward made their way back out to the pool.

"Hey babe, the pound is only open for another hour, you wanna head out?" Paul asked Rose.

I saw her eyes light up. Paul was perfect for her.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

My eyes drifted to Edward who was holding a cold beer in his hand. A small smile spread across his lips at her excitement and I could tell that he was genuinely happy for her.

I saw Rose out to her car and waved goodbye to them as her and Paul drove away.

Then I found myself torn about where I wanted to go. Part of me, a larger part than I would like to admit, wanted to go back to Edward, to hang out with him. But my more rational side said that was definitely a bad idea. We'd had a good day together, but hanging out alone, was going to have to wait.

Besides, if he wanted to see me, he could find me. It wasn't as if the house was so large that he wouldn't be able to find me.

I headed upstairs and changed out of my bikini into a t-shirt and some comfy shorts before heading to the living room, curling up and opening my new book.

But before I could even get a page deep into it, someone had plopped down at the end of the couch.

I closed the cover and peeked down to see who it was. I knew who it had to be though.

"Hey," he whispered patting my bare leg. "I thought we could talk."

"Didn't we do enough of that yesterday?" I wondered. I wasn't completely sure I wanted to talk again right now, there were still so many things floating around in my head from our other talk. And I really hadn't had time to think about them all.

He shook his head. "No, Bella, I think we, or at least I, have a little something more I need to say."

My eyebrows fell together in confusion, he looked so serious, so feeling the need to hear him out, I sat up.

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Well," he cleared his throat, "remember yesterday, you told me something about how you had feelings for me for several years. I assume they weren't of the brotherly notion, after what happened between us at Christmas, right?" he wondered, turning to face me.

I nodded, feeling my cheeks heat. This was such an awkward conversation, not only that, but I was also wondering why he was bringing it up now.

"Then I think I need to be honest with you," he said with a sigh. "I've had feelings for you for a while now. Actually, if I'm going with the whole honesty kick, part of the reason I started dating Siobhan was because of you."

I was shocked and so lost at his words that I didn't even know what to say.

"See, you were young and you've always been so much younger than me. And, no, I am not obsessed with our age difference, I am just trying to explain why it was so difficult for me to accept and not act on my feelings for you." He took a deep breath and continued, "When something started to develop with you, it felt wrong. You were supposed to be my surrogate sister and I felt like pervert. I could usually push it aside or drink enough to forget about it. But as the years went on I knew I needed a more permanent solution. So finding someone to be with seemed like the right direction. I met a woman who could at least keep me mildly interested and I thought it was perfect. The thing was though, being with her only made me think of you more."

Again, I was lost at what to say.

Apparently though, he took my silence as a sign to continue.

"Bella, I just need for you to understand what it was like for me. I didn't fight my feelings because there was ever anything wrong with you; I saw you as nothing but perfect. I want you to know that it was _all_ me." He sighed heavily. "I fought them because… I was nearly twenty, Bella, and in college when you started coming around. You were just ten and that was a huge age gap for me to emotionally conquer when things changed for me. Watching you grow up, skin your knee, break your arm, cry over boys, and taking care of you like I did Rose, like a sister, made it so fucking difficult when I started seeing you in a different light." He grabbed his hair with both hands in frustration.

"When?" I whispered. It wasn't even a coherent question, but he seemed to get what I was asking.

"You were sixteen, it was your prom, actually, and I was watching you come down the stairs in that tight, blue dress with your hair all done up; that was the turning point for me," he said softly. "Something happened to me in that moment. I can still remember how my breath caught in my throat, how beautiful and mature you looked, and you had no idea; you were so humble about yourself."

I gasped. Four years ago. Four years of feeling like I was alone in the world. And then suddenly realizing that I wasn't alone, not at all actually; it was hard to believe and much more difficult to process.

"I didn't let myself think about you like that though, not until you were eighteen."

I nodded slightly. "So you thought about me, began to acknowledge your feelings, two years ago."

I needed to clarification. I didn't know why, but I really did.

"Yes," he whispered. "It was hard, but I accepted it then. Of course I always assumed I would never be able to do anything about them. So, I pushed them to the back my mind, only needing to visit them once a year, at Christmas."

"I was the reason you stopped coming home in the summer?" I questioned disbelievingly.

"Bella," he moved over closer to me, "the older you got… It was hard and I never knew if you'd have a guy with you or not. And, I never thought that you would feel the same. I always imagined myself hiding my feelings."

"I'm just so blown away. When I planned to tell you, or rather show you how I felt this past Christmas, I thought that…Well, I guess I never thought that it would end well, but at least I wouldn't have to keep wondering what if."

He grabbed my hand, pulling it close to his chest. "I know that it's soon, too soon in fact, and we still have things to think about and talk out, but hopefully, while you're thinking, you'll know that…" he paused and searched my eyes, "I love you, Bella," he whispered softly.

I felt like running to grab a q-tip. I didn't think there was a way that I heard him correctly. I swallowed, he loves me. It wasn't some drunken confession either. He loved me.

"You…you love me?" I questioned brokenly.

"Yes, and while I wanted to tell you in some grand gesture and shout it from the mountain tops, I felt it was better that you know now. I don't want to play games with you. We have both suffered too much already to beat around the bush any more. Eventually, though, I hope we can explore that, if it's something that you end up wanting when you're done thinking."

"You really want me, Edward?" I couldn't help the idiotic questions; I was baffled by his admission.

"If that's something you decide that you want, yes, I would love to try with you," he said brushing a hair out of my face.

So much of me wanted to reach over to him and plant a searing kiss on his lips and tell him that I was ready now, but the smarter part of me, the part that was still hurting from Christmas, said I needed to give it a little time. But he was right, knowing this now made more sense than to find it out later on…when we'd both made even more stupid mistakes.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, still reeling from his confession. "I appreciate your candor Edward, you of course already know how I feel, so, yes this will definitely come into everything I need to think about," I said with a little smile. I couldn't help it, I still felt so good from his words. "But it's hard to ignore everything that happened in the past. I can't just let it go, not yet anyway. I just need some time," I explained looking him in the eyes.

I thought that was safe. I could think about whether I really saw myself ever letting go of the pain he'd caused me and then we could also talk. Maybe even test the waters for more.

It was clear that I wanted Edward in my life in some capacity, but I was afraid that if I couldn't find it in me to forgive him completely, then starting a relationship with him wasn't going to be a healthy step.

He seemed agreeable. "Time is good, space too, if you want it. I'm just glad that we're on the same coast now."

I grabbed his hand, liking the feeling of being close to him and not wanting him to escape back to his room.

"I don't need a ton of space. Not right now at least, " I whispered.

We quieted and turned on the TV. And while we sat there on the couch I couldn't find it in me to concentrate on the show, no, now my thoughts were on what Edward did and said to hurt me. My anger built, but then resolved as I thought of his apology, and his declaration of love for me. I could tell this was going to be a process, but at the end of each cycle I felt good being next to him and finally knowing the whole truth.

* * *

**Alright, so his feelings are out there. What do we think? **

**He's trying right?**

**She doesn't need space?**

**Rose knows, at least a little. How'd you take her feelings on it?**

**I wonder if Paul said something to E when they went in the house?**

**:o)**


	26. Begging for Sleep & Running Kisses

**Thank you MC for all your hard work! You're amazing!**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 26**

**EPOV**

I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep. But as soon as the darkness came over me, the memories began to play. My heart clenched in anticipation.

"_Edward Anthony Cullen, you put her down right now," I heard Mom shout, but I wasn't paying attention to her. _

_I watched__, __fascinated__,__ as this adorable little girl spun around and around as uncontrollable giggles came flying out of her mouth. _

_My large hands held her secure as I swung her around by the wrists. I felt so free, so alive, so fucking young. And God, her smile, her laugh, it was everything. She'd come from the lap of luxury. Mom and Dad were well off too, but her parents weren't there at all. They didn't pay attention to her in the least. Rose, even though she was so young__,__ could see that her friend needed a family. And last year, she brought Bella home._

"_Woohoo," she wheezed trying to catch her breath. _

"_Ready for the finale B?" I asked__,__ giving her a smirk._

"_Heck yeah!" _

_I wound up and really started to spin her, she was flying and her hair was twisting around her head. She looked so carefree, so at peace, so fucking happy. _

_We span until I slowed and we both tumbled down to the ground. She landed right on top of me. Both of us laughing uncontrollably. _

"_Edward! You need to be careful of her, she's so small," Mom admonished. _

_We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes. _

_Bella was tough and I knew what she could handle. A little spinning wasn't going to hurt her. _

There would never be a better time in life than it was right at that moment, but I didn't know that. Not then at least.

She'd been so young when I met her, but it was easy for her to fit right in with us. She'd always been a Cullen from the day Rose brought her home.

I sighed, drank my water and closed my eyes again, feeling a bit of fatigue fall over me. I wondered if sleep would continue to allude me.

_I was home early for the summer working on getting some local print ad work to fill my schedule until the fall. I missed my family and I wanted to spend some time with them, so I always managed to find a way to come home for the summer. _

_At twenty-six it seemed silly to miss your baby sister and her friend, but I did. Rose and Bella were growing up so fast and I felt like I was missing out on their life, but I needed to be in New York to get work and build a name for myself. It was hard__ being a free-lance photographer in such a competitive market__. _

_Even though I knew I needed to be elsewhere for the summer, I still decided home was better than anything._

_Late May felt warm for Forks. I walked in the house to find it a tizzy of energy. _

_When I asked Dad what was going on, he simply replied that it was prom night. It was weird, but I didn't really like it. I couldn't put my finger on my protective thoughts, but I didn't like the idea of Rose or Bella going to prom. _

_Probably, because I knew what happened at mine. _

_Yeah…_

_Before I could say anything__,__ though__,__ Mom was downstairs greeting me and asking me if I could take some pictures of the girls and their dates. _

_I agreed, not knowing what to say. _

_So__,__ I stood at the foot of the stairs and waited for the girls to come down all dolled up. _

_Typically, I hated taking prom photos, I'd done it a few times, and while it was a good starting point, __it __wasn't my forte__. The girls always ended up looking fake or more than over the top. _

_Not__ to__day though. No, Rose was first coming down in a yellow princess looking dress. She looked so old, so grown up__,__ and while she looked pretty, my protective feelings were welling up inside me. I didn't want my sister going anywhere looking like that. __Not when I knew just how young she really was. _

_That was nothing compared to the reaction I had to Bella. She sauntered down the stairs in a deep blue silky dress. My heart stopped, then raced, then stopped again. My mouth went dry and I fumbled to click off a few decent photos. _

_She literally had me speechless. __I'd never been so disarmed by a girl…rather woman in this case__, in all my life__. _

_The tiny__,__sweet__ ten year old I'd been so fond of before__…__had grown up into a beautiful__,__ young woman seemingly overnight. And while I knew that it wasn't __really __overnight, it still felt like it._

_She stood proudly, looking stunning with a few hairs wisping around her tender face. _

_Fuck…she was gorgeous. Why hadn't I noticed this before?_

_I dutifully took shot after shot of her and Rose standing in the living room and then some outside in the front yard. All was well and good and I was able to control myself until the limo pulled up. _

_Then two delinquent looking boys got out and I felt rage start to boil under my skin. I didn't want either of them around my girls, but more than that, I didn't think the__y__ deserved the company of Bella or Rose. _

_I scowled and __was a bit snarky__, but my mother told me to quit, so I did. I held my tongue and took the pictures of Bella, Rose and their dates__,__ all while feeling disgusted that they were leaving in what would surely result in a night filled with teenage hormones and lust. _

_I really didn't know who I was to judge though, my thoughts were not pure, not when it came to Bella and that was wrong. That was so wrong. I needed to go bleach my brain, forget her image, __then __drink, something, anything. _

_After Bella and Rose left I got out of the house as fast as I could. I told my parents I needed to go to back New York for an unexpected job. I knew I wouldn't be able to last the entire summer around her. There was just no way. _

_They didn't think anything of it, well Mom didn't. Dad, yeah, he knew. He must've seen the way I was looking at her. Because he took me aside. We had a little chat. _

"_Bella's grown up now, she's awfully pretty, huh?" he asked, after we reached his office. _

_My reply was mumbled at best. Though I did confirm his thoughts. Bella looked beautiful, there was just no denying that. _

"_Son, she's too young," he murmured, after we __sat__._

_He poured me a drink and set it in front of me before taking his seat again. _

_I groaned and wanted to get the hell out of dodge. _

_He slowly sipped on his rugged whiskey while I threw mine back, emptying my glass in just over three seconds. _

"_No, just listen to me. I know she's beautiful, it's clear as day what you're seeing, but Edward, you're twenty-six, almost twenty-seven. She's just a baby compared to you." _

_I shook my head, because it wasn't like that__…at least I was trying to convince myself it wasn't__. __She was so young, not to mention, I'd watched her grow up. How could it be like that?_

"_Edward, you can't act on your feelings," he said sternly. _

_My father had always been a soft-spoken man, but I was well aware of a few occasions where he needed to be heard and he always made sure he was. This was one of those times. I heard him loud and clear. And he was right. Not that I had planned to act on it though. I saw everything he did, including the fact that Bella was so much younger than me. _

_I closed my eyes and __whispered a relenting, "I know,"__ before escaping the confines of his office. I was gone before they even made it home from the dance. _

That was the first time I found myself running from her. I was like a scared little boy. Only instead of being frightened of monsters under the bed, I was terrified of judgment, my family's and Bella's. I didn't know what to do with my feelings. Clearly, I wasn't able to hide them on the fly and who knew how long it would take to keep them under cover, so leaving was my only option.

Rose had called several times over the summer break; she always said she missed me, which of course made me long for home. But it was when Bella called me that my heart broke. She said it just didn't feel the same without me there to splash in the pool and have BBQ's. But what killed me the most…was when she would end the calls and I could tell she was nearly in tears. She wanted to see me almost as badly as I wanted to see her.

She just didn't understand what I was going through back then.

One glance at the clock told me that it was far later than I liked, nearly three and I questioned if I was going to sleep at all. I knew the answer as much as I didn't want to admit it.

I also knew damn well that the key to sleeping lay in the next room.

She'd wrecked me.

One night with her and I couldn't sleep anymore.

At first I wondered if it was just stress from all the fucked up shit I had going on in my life, but then as the days went on and I moved back home, with less stress, I knew what it had to be. Bella wasn't with me…and I had begun to crave her presence, especially after taking her to Tacoma.

After flipping my pillow to the cool side, I pressed my head as deep into it as I could before fruitlessly attempting sleep once more.

_I climbed the stairs hearing her faint cries, I knew exactly who it was. Rose never cried, at least not like this. Bella was in tears and I felt compelled to fix it. _

_I knocked lightly on her door before I heard nothing but silence. So__,__ being the __persistent__ motherfucker I am, I knocked again. __I wasn't just going to let Bella's misery slide. I need__ed__ to find out what was going on. _

_I heard a __sigh__ and some soft footsteps before the door opened to a blotchy faced Bella. My stomached twisted. I wanted to make it all better. _

"_What's the matter?" I wondered, brushing a stray piece of hair from her sweet face. _

_She shook her head and dipped her __face from view__. _

_Not okay because I wanted to know who hurt this__ sweet__ girl. She __might only be__ twelve and it was pretty much a known fact that twelve year olds cried, fairly regularly, but not Bella. __She __and Rose were strong girls. Something had to be wrong. _

_With a finger under her chin I lifted her eyes back to mine. _

"_What happened," I asked again, trying to convey to her that I was there, that I would help. __If it were a monster, I would scare it out from under her bed. If it were some snot nosed punk at school picking on her, I would go down there and scare him shitless. If it w__as__ some prissy little bitch, I'd send Rose right after them. _

"_It's stupid," she whispered. _

"_Not if it's making you cry," I told her. _

"_My boyfriend and I broke up," she told me softly._

_My mind jumped. She had a boyfriend? She was twelve for fuck's sake. There was just no way she had a boyfriend. __Kids weren't really dating at twelve, were they?!_

_I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. And I tried to think back to my first girlfriend and how it felt when we ended things. _

_It was hard and it hurt, I recall__ed__ thinking it was the end of the world and stomping around in a piss poor mood for about a week. _

_Bella, while sad, seemed like she was much better off than I'd been. _

"_Come here," I said, before wrapping her in my arms. "It'll be okay, he wasn't good enough for the you anyway. You need a prince__…your own Prince Charming__." _

_She lightly giggled at that and a broad grin began to crease my face. _

"_Wanna watch a movie?" _

"_Sure__,__" she responded quietly. "How__ about Jaws?" _

_I sighed lightly. "But you always get scared." _

"_I could use the distraction tonight," she said softly and I relented. She was going to be scared shitless and I was going to be sleeping on the floor in my own room later on. _

_Oh well, at least she'd be happy. _

I lay awake most nights. Sleep was hard to come by. After Siobhan had pulled her stunt, I felt like my life was going to change. And chasing after dreamless sleep seemed like a never ending pursuit.

Visions of being tied to a woman that I couldn't stand, much less love, were floating through my head.

I'd mentally gone down each and every route there was out of the situation before I found out that the child wasn't mine. And I do mean every one of them.

I'd even considered running off in the middle of the night, finding Bella and somehow convincing her to elope. Yes, that one there was my favorite. It usually came to me after a long night fueled by a bottle or two of vodka.

Another was the despair I would feel cutting a check each month for a child I wouldn't live with every day. This was the most realistic one I'd come up with. I knew there really wasn't an out, that I would take responsibility for my child_,_ but after I'd had it all out with Siobhan, I just had no idea how I would spend the rest of my life by her side.

She'd started showing. I'd gone to the doctors appointments. I saw that little heartbeat. He was real. So I thought, maybe if I was gone before the baby, life would be better for all; he wouldn't have to live with parents who fought and eventually despised each other totally. Thinking about a son growing up without me though, that hurt. My heart would pound and I would begin to sweat. I knew I would be a part of his life…somehow.

As I said before, I'd considered everything. Including, momentarily mulling over just ending it all.

My depression ran deep for a while. I felt like I was in a lightless cave, all alone. And sometimes, I still did, but being home with my family has helped a lot; my parent's unconditional love and support helped immensely. But sometimes, looking around, realizing the way things had been over the past few months, depression still found a way to seep into life.

My parents didn't really know what happened back there, nor did I want them to. While I understood their feelings on Siobhan, I still didn't want them to think badly of her. It was just as much my fault that I dragged her into their home. I regretted every minute of it. And I could see so clearly now that if I'd just owned my feelings for Bella I wouldn't have had to suffer.

That revelation was hard to swallow as my darkest days and nights were a direct result of my foolishness.

Now, I was trying to put that all behind me. And someday soon I would tell them everything. I just had to wait, give everyone time to heal and move on. Hopefully, Bella and I would be able to make progress and down the road I would be able to explain to my parents and Rose what really happened.

Bella was more receptive to my admission than I ever thought she would be. That was a great relief. In the past, I had wondered if she would run for the hills, but now it seemed that we'd been floating along down the same river for years.

She told me she didn't want space, but she did still need to think. That was smart. We were in a position where we couldn't enter into something lightly, not again. We'd nearly torn our fragile family apart with our antics six months ago, so if we were to begin something again, we needed to be sure that we were going to last. If I was going into a relationship with Bella, I was going _all _in.

The future was such an unknown, that I couldn't guarantee anything, but the thought of us together, was a gamble worth taking. Some would even say we were a sure thing.

I sat up taking a look at the clock, seeing it was six thirty. I'd heard footsteps in the hall just a little while before and I knew it was Bella. Up and around. I decided to take her up on her lack of a need for space, because honestly, being near her calmed me.

After a check around the house, she was nowhere to be found, for the hell of it, I looked out the living room window only to be greeted with a view of Bella stretching.

She was going for a run.

This wasn't new. She generally ran when she was home during the summer, it was just something I hadn't been around for in a while. So I quickly slipped upstairs and threw on a pair of running shorts and sneakers before grabbing my iPod and hurrying back down the stairs. Luckily, she was still out there.

I did a few quick stretches before heading out to meet her.

At first, I wondered if I was overstepping, this was her thing after all. But the sweet smile that graced her face as she put her ear bud in told me that she was okay with me being there.

Next week was my birthday and my nearly thirty years were beginning to catch up with me. She was relentlessly kicking my ass. Just keeping up with her was a feat in itself.

It was hard to breathe, my body was already sore, I could only imagine the shape I would be in tomorrow. But the fact that I was with her, not to mention the lovely view I had, I wouldn't change it for a second.

She led me down off the street, through a park and onto a dirt path. We continued to run right through the woods and before finally reaching a meadow. I was grateful for the shade and the cool breeze that was currently ghosting through the trees.

Just as we got there…she stopped, so suddenly to the point where I nearly ran into her.

My heart felt like it was going to fly out of my chest and catching my breath was my new short term goal, something that became even harder to do when Bella bent over right in front of me and began stretching.

I politely moved. I didn't want to press my luck.

I took the time to stretch too, and to discreetly adjust the aftereffect of her 'stretching'.

Then I watched, just mesmerized at her grace and beauty.

She pulled her headphones out and guzzled half a bottle of water before handing it to me.

"Here," she said, giving me a beautiful smile.

It might have been a small gesture, but it was definitely an olive branch and I willingly took it.

After a drink I felt refreshed.

"All right…old man," she giggled, "you think you can handle the way back?" she asked with a smirk.

"Oh, baby, I can handle anything you've got," I told her with a wink. "Give it to me…hard."

She smiled and laughed, before popping her headphones back in, I quickly did the same as she took off on the path that we'd come in through. And again I was graced with one of the greatest views of my life.

Bella's ass in spandex was a thing of beauty.

I only got to concentrate on it for a moment before the aches and pains began to kick in again.

_Fuck I was getting old_…

I pressed on though, my feet thundering against the ground at a ridiculous rate, desperately wanting to keep up with her.

I managed to, thankfully.

She headed in the house, getting us both a couple of waters before joining me back in the yard.

I tried to catch my breath, resting my hands on my knees as my legs felt jellied.

She took a long pull from her bottle and I looked up at her. Long pieces of damp, dark hair had fallen out of her pony tail, now framing her face. Her sweet brown eyes were clear and wide. Her pale cheeks were tinted with the exertion she had just put into that exhausting run. And even though she was covered in sweat, I couldn't think of anything but how gorgeous she looked at the moment.

I was so bewitched that I wasn't thinking. I walked up to her and pulled the bottle from her mouth, earning me a surprised, questioning look. I didn't know what I was thinking, but I knew what I wanted. And I went for it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, staring in her eyes. Then I pulled her in to my arms, leaning down and pressing my lips against hers.

It'd been a full two weeks since the afternoon on the couch and knowing that we both felt the same way was like torture.

I just needed to touch her…hold her…kiss her.

"Oh Bella," I breathed against her lips, closing my eyes.

She sighed in to my mouth, and when her lips joined in and she began kissing me back, I felt like celebrating.

Our passion never waned and when her hands fisted my hair, I knew I wasn't alone in my need.

I pulled her tighter against me, I knew she was feeling her effect on me, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to care one fucking bit. I wanted her, and now she knew it for certain.

We kissed and held each other tenderly, before Bella pulled away and looked up at me.

I searched her eyes, but I couldn't read the look there or on her face…

Had I made a monumental mistake?

* * *

**How do you think Bella will react? **

**What did you think of all the flashbacks?**

**Poor Edward can't get any sleep. :(**

**See you tomorrow for Traveler, Weds for TT, and Thurs for more Traveler... And of course Friday for the teaser! :)**


	27. Progress

**Thank you to the ever wonderful MC for helping me with this bad boy. I can only hope you all are pleased. :)**

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 27**

**BPOV**

There comes a time, in one's life, when there's a choice to be made between turning the page and closing the book. After thinking about it, long and hard, I decided to turn the page with Edward and close the book on the past, because I could only hope that it would finally lead me to our happily ever after. He was worth it. We were worth it.

While we'd already declared our feelings to one another, it was easy to see a natural direction for our relationship to head in, but both of us were so cautious that not a lot of progress had been made. After all we'd been through, there was just no choice but to be responsible and move slowly, however, to what degree was the real question.

I'd done nothing but think about that kiss all day. I couldn't help it, that kiss had stolen my breath and my concentration.

_As I was drinking my water, I caught a quick movement out of the corner of my eye; it was then I saw Edward stalking towards me with a look of…absolute conviction in his eyes. I was momentarily stunned; I had no idea what he was going to do. But then he took me in his arms and kissed me; it took my breath away and I kissed him back, with all that I had. I finally felt a sense of peace, of something being right in my world. _

_I finally pulled away and looked up in to his handsome face; it was full of concern and worry. I was sure he was questioning his actions._

_After a few minutes of silence, I gently touched his face. __I couldn't leave him feeling like he'd done something wrong when he'd just given me everything I'd been wanting. _

_He searched my eyes then said, "Are we…are you…okay? I don't know what came over me, I'm…"_

_I put my fingers over his swollen lips. "I'm fine, Edward, we're fine, better than fine…that was…perfect." _

_His answering sigh and brilliant smile was all I needed to know, that we had crossed a major hurdle in moving on in our relationship._

"_Oh Bella," he breathed as he pulled my in to hug and then escorted me in the house with his arm securely around my waist. _

_He kissed me gently then murmured that he was going to take a shower and he'd see me later._

_I went to my room with the biggest smile on my face._

_It was weird leaving him like that. Even though some would say it was 'just a kiss' I felt like my whole life had just changed…for the better. _

Finally, though, it was now after dinner I knew we really needed to talk. We'd gotten the initial fears out of the way, so at least Edward wasn't left wondering and I wasn't left questioning all day. But I knew there was so much more that needed to be said. So, as everyone was parting from the kitchen, I touched his hand. Silently asking him to stay behind for a moment.

"What's up?" he asked quietly, once everyone was gone from the room. We weren't hiding anything. It was just that I think we both felt that we needed some time to work things out before we went public with _us_.

I smiled at him to let him know that it was nothing bad.

"Later, if you have a minute, I'd love to talk with you, about this morning." I kept my voice soft and my eyes locked with his. He'd been trying. Every chance he had to make something better, he did. And I hadn't missed a moment. I'd watched him bring me flowers, hold my hand, and take his time with me. In which I always responded in the best way I could. We'd made steady steps together.

And now I was ready for more. That much I was sure of.

"Sure, that's fine. I have to call Mrs. Wilton and let her know what time I'll be there tomorrow."

"Okay great, so maybe like a half hour?" I wondered. His mention of Mrs. Wilton and his new job did bring a certain amount of disappointment to my mind, but I quickly let it go reminding myself what a great opportunity it was going to be for Edward.

"Sounds good."

I finished up the dishes and thought about just what I was going to say. I wanted to be prepared and have my thoughts collected.

After a deep breath, I realized that maybe now wasn't the best time to start something. Edward was leaving tomorrow to familiarize himself with the studio in Seattle. Yes, Seattle. A place that is over three hours away from here.

But it also might be good for us. While we hadn't really started anything serious yet, a little space would be good for the mind. And they always say that separation makes the heart grow fonder, right? That was what I was hoping for.

And to make matters worse, Edward would be leaving Seattle just as I was going to be arriving for my senior year of college. He said he still wasn't sure where he would be heading, as he didn't have any confirmed jobs lined up at the moment after Mrs. Wilton, just some freelance work. He planned to come back home and work from there, while he finalized some larger projects.

As much as I didn't like the thought of us being apart, just when things were beginning to heal, I also knew it would benefit both of us. Edward's career was just starting to bloom and there was no way I could hinder that, and I also had some summer reading I still hadn't finished yet as he'd been keeping me busy.

After I settled the words in my mind, I found my way outside. It was a warm evening in the middle of June. And it made for the most convenient place to talk. The walls were still very much like paper. And as much as we wanted to have our family's support, we weren't really sure what to call ourselves yet, so without that sort of information, a visit to a bedroom just wouldn't look good.

I grabbed us each a glass of Esme's ice cold lemonade. It was absolutely delicious and in this heat, we would need something to quench our thirst.

I followed the familiar trail that I'd been taking nightly.

Yes, Edward and I came out here regularly to talk. And that's really all it amounted to. Often times we'd end up tossing rocks while chatting about our day. Or we'd get deep and rehash something that was bothering us. At least now, there were no more barriers.

I met him at the tree line like normal, handed him his glass of lemonade, and then took his hand. We both trekked through the heavy over grown brush until we reached our spot. It was the same place that Rose and I would have our bonfires when we were in high school.

It was far enough back in the woods that Esme and Carlisle wouldn't know what we were doing, yet, not too far to be overly creepy once the sun went down and we had to walk back.

I liked it out there. As much as the bugs bit and the rustling made me worry, I also knew it was ours and there was no other spot around like that. It was a special place.

I smiled when we reached our spot and he unfolded an old camping chair for me to sit in.

We kept some out there, since sitting on the ground in the near dark wasn't one my most favorable things to do.

Once he was seated next to me, I lit our lantern so we could at least see each other's face while we talked.

I pressed the glass to my lips and took another long sip before resting it between my thighs and turning my attention to him.

"So," he murmured, blowing out a breath. "You wanted to talk?"

I could tell he was nervous and I wanted to calm him. I wondered what he was thinking too.

"Listen, I'm not mad about what happened. Not at all actually," I told him as I twined our hands together. "I just want to go slowly."

He blinked, looking relieved. "I was so worried that I overstepped my bounds. I just didn't want to send you running away from me again."

"You're good. We're good. The kiss, was wonderful," I said lowering my voice, feeling my cheeks heat and it wasn't from the weather.

"I'm glad you thought so," he whispered, squeezing my hand tenderly in his and staring in my eyes.

The intimacy of being alone with him had been starting to get to me, but I wanted to get through this talk without ruining it with my desires.

I smiled and took a deep breath. Edward had laid all of his feelings out on the table just a few weeks ago and now it was my turn.

I was sure I'd forgiven him. That was easy, but forgetting the pain and heartache was harder. But after turning over all the events in my head it was easier to swallow them all, once I had answers. Once there were reasons behind his outlandish actions I could see where he was coming from. And he even admitted that he hadn't made good decisions then, so with that I accepted what I was about to do graciously, with open arms.

"Edward, you know, I love you too," I said softly into the night air.

His thumb brushed the back of my hand while he hummed in agreement. "Yes, thank God."

"But we never talked about how to move forward. Or if we were ever going to."

Silence and the tensing of his hand told me that he was nervous again. Another gigantic surge of protectiveness welled inside me. I wanted to kiss him, calm him, and make him mine. But those things needed to be taken slowly. We weren't just two crazy kids deciding to date. No, we had other things at stake, things we needed to keep in mind while we were laying the framework for a lasting, long-term relationship.

"So here are my thoughts on it," I said, gathering my courage. "I told myself that I couldn't truly move forward with you if I was still looking back at some dark place in my life. And over the past couple weeks I've given myself time to really think. That was something that felt so good to be able to do. To process your words and put them with your actions. Thank you for not pushing me."

I took a breath, trying to collect my thoughts and not wanting to get off track, because my boy was still sweating it.

"In short, I want you to know I forgive you. For everything that happened between us six months ago, for all of the phone calls, for it all," I said with a smile painted on my lips. "But, forgiveness doesn't always mean forgetting. And even though I am able to forgive, I'm not sure that will mean I will ever be able to forget what happened and the hurtful things you said." I put my other hand on top of our entwined hands. "But I wanted to be honest about my feelings, hoping that even with those memories I can move forward…with you. I didn't want to have that hanging over us if we were to become something. I wanted all of our memories together to be happy."

He sighed, swallowing loudly, but let me continue uninterrupted.

"But over the past couple of weeks, you've given me answers, given me a way to let it all go. That was something I didn't have before and that's why I was holding on to it. It seemed like once I had the reasoning, I was able set it free."

I watched as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Relief wasn't there yet, but we were closer. I just needed him see that I hadn't been hanging him out to dry for the past few weeks. They were being used well and wisely.

"With that said, I think," I turned to face him, "I'm ready for more. If you still are, I mean."

His eyes popped open and happiness, relief, and something else that I couldn't quite pinpoint washed over them. "You're sure?" he questioned softly, holding my hand a little tighter.

"Yes, I'm ready and I think we're finally in a good place to make progress," I whispered, touching his face with my free hand.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," I said nodding, bringing my face closer to his. "I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I can just feel the difference in myself now; I've grown a lot emotionally over the past few months."

"I know you have and I'm so proud of you." He smiled. "You'll get there baby, we both will," he murmured, running his thumb gently over my bottom lip.

He wet his lips and I let my eyes wander to them as he began to part them right before pressing them in to mine.

Those pouty lips that I had been thinking about all day were finally touching mine again, with purpose this time.

"Thank God," he whispered when we finally pulled apart.

"But I want to take it slow," I told him firmly. There wasn't going to be any bed hopping. No, not yet, when things were still so new. "I'm not ready for…too much, yet."

"Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. But I was thinking, would you be overly opposed to some real dates?" he asked with a smirk.

"No, certainly not, but it is going to be a little hard to go on a date when you're three hours away," I murmured, feeling a little sadness creep up my throat. I knew it was good that he was going be making a name for himself in Seattle, but I couldn't help thinking about how much I was going to miss him.

"Well, it won't be so hard if I come home on the weekends this summer, right?" he asked sweetly.

I raised an eyebrow. I knew that Mrs. Wilton had a strict schedule that she wanted to keep to. So, I highly doubted that coming home on the weekends was going to be feasible.

"Mrs. Wilton told me today that we won't work on weekends. She needs them to see her grandchildren and if she's not there to supervise the shoot, it won't be taking place in any capacity."

I was a little surprised.

"That means we have the weekends, we can work with that, right?" he asked softly. "And…maybe you can even come visit me a few weekends…"

"Oh hell, yes!" I said excitedly.

Dating was exactly what we needed. Time to get to know one another again before hopping into a serious commitment. And while I was serious about him and vice versa, we still needed to lay the ground work.

At that, and with a deep sigh of relief, I slowly climbed into his lap, his arms more than welcoming me and we began to kiss and make out like teenagers. Passion swirled around us and threatened to choke me, but even as everything felt heavy and heady, we kept it to just making out. Something I'd dreamt about for the past five years. Something that I'd believed would always be one of those unattainable goals in my life. And now, sitting on Edward's lap, I'd attained it; my dream. With our little tryst at Christmas aside, I was now kissing the man of my dreams as we declared ourselves a dating couple. We'd shared our hearts and as our lips met ardently, I felt a sense of contentment fulfill me. Something about that felt so right and made me feel so happy and light.

After calling it an evening we headed inside and spent some much needed time relaxing in front of the TV with Carlisle and Esme. We watched corny little sitcoms laughing along as a family.

Esme had been a huge help since she'd made it home from her conference.

We'd spent many hours talking about things; Esme was a wonderful confidant. And while she wanted us together, she knew that it was going to be a tough job that both of us were going to have to work very hard at if it was what we wanted.

That night, Edward and I eventually fell asleep on the couch, cuddling with one another. It was nothing but innocent, although it felt like more…like we were holding on to our newly found connection for as long as possible. Knowing he was moving to Seattle in the morning also weighed heavily on me. It was hard to know what to say, hard to accept it, since I felt like I'd just found him. And as I slept in his arms, I prayed we could take what we'd finally found with each other and sustain and nurture it long-term.

I woke up to Edward peppering soft kisses on my face, and quietly telling me it was time to get up for breakfast.

We ate with Esme and Carlisle before it was time for him to go up and get his things. He was subletting an apartment out there. It made it easy so that he would only need sheets and clothes.

I stayed downstairs and helped Esme clean up breakfast. She continued to eye me carefully, but never said anything. She now knew we were going to try. Edward had told his parents over breakfast, while holding my hand that he cared for me deeply and we were going to slowly explore a relationship. They both said they were happy for us and that they loved and supported us both.

I was just happy to have it out in the open and to have their support. I knew we were going to need it. Especially with the road we had ahead of us, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

He took his time loading the truck and making sure he had all of his equipment.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself. I knew I'd be fine, and I trusted that he was coming back to me, but I couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of loss flowing through me. I had been left behind, so much in my life, that I just didn't like seeing him leave. Not when we'd made so much progress and not when things were still fragile. But it was what we had to do…it was going to be part of our life together, at least for a while.

When he was finished, I watched as he wiped the sweat from his forehead and downed a water. God, he was a sexy man and admittedly got me all hot and bothered. Someday soon he was going to be _all _mine…body and soul.

He washed his hands before coming over to me smiling. I was perched at the kitchen table unable to really keep my mind on anything else, except this feeling of emptiness, while I waited. There was no way I could concentrate on a book or school work today, my mind just would not calm.

"It's going to be fine," he said from behind me, as he rubbed my arms.

"I know, I don't know why I'm being so silly," I murmured feeling even more ridiculous, but no matter what I couldn't shake my emotions.

"It's probably the same reason that I feel the way I do," he whispered, leaning down to kiss the back of my head.

I picked up my head and turned to look at him.

"You too?" I questioned.

"Oh yes, Bella, but I know we'll get through it. We just found each other, we will make it work, and at least we'll have the weekends."

His words were calming and I felt my emotions begin to soften.

"And we'll talk on the phone, right?" I said it like it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Every night, sweetheart," he answered lovingly. "I'll miss you, but always know I'm not far away."

It was only after a few kisses that I let him slip away from me. He came running back for a giant hug, where he clutched me tightly to him, and I finally let the tears drip down my cheeks. I breathed in his scent before he retreated once more whispering, "Goodbye, my love, I am off to work." He gave me a heartwarming smile, and as foolish as it sounded I fell a little bit more in love with him right in that tender moment.

I didn't know what it was about a man following his dreams and doing what he had to, to make them come true, but it had to be the sexiest damn thing ever.

I smiled and waved as he pulled away. I wiped away my tears; I knew we would be okay. It was just going to take some getting used to; finally having him, but not being with him.

* * *

**I believe this was rightfully titled, yes?**

**They've talked, they've worked a little together, there has been some kissing. **

**They've come to a mutual decision to move forward and work towards a lasting relationship. **

**And they've even told his parents! **

**What do you think?**

**See you tomorrow for Traveler! :D**


	28. Everything

**As always, many thanks to my beautiful beta and co-author MC! She's a blast! **

* * *

**Crushing Chapter 28**

**EPOV**

"_Hello," I heard her tired voice whisper into the phone and I briefly wondered if I had woken her up. _

"_Hey baby." _

"_Oh Edward," she said, perking up. _

"_How are you doing__,__ sweetheart?" _

"_I'm good," she said and it sounded like there was rustling in the background. I wondered what she was up to._

"_Listen, it's been a while since I've done this properly, but I was sort of wondering if you're free this weekend?" I asked with a nervous chuckle. _

_I could almost hear her smile. _

"_Of course I am silly, why?" she asked coyly. _

"_I was wondering, if you Bella Swan, would like to accompany me to dinner and a movie Saturday night?" I said in a formal voice, earning me a giggle. _

"_Why yes, Edward Cullen, I would simply love that. But wait. You can't take me out on your birthday," she quickly replied._

_I chuckled. "Oh yes I can and I will, but only if it's you," I told her. _

She had eventually agreed and we both had a laugh before talking about our days. We tried to talk as much as possible over the summer, knowing we needed to keep the connection, there was no going back to the way things were before.

That was a wonderful date and Bella and I saw each other as much as we could over the weeks leading up to her return to college. I vowed to sit through three hours of traffic each Friday night knowing I would get the same warm welcome I continued to get week in and week out.

Sure, it sucked driving all the way back to Forks, but her smile made all of that so much better. And if I was lucky, I was able to jet by five. That meant I got home by eight or eight thirty. And never failing, Bella was always there waiting for me with a hot dinner and a sweet grin. And after dinner we would cuddle up and watch a movie or even just some TV together. It was so relaxing and the perfect end to the busy weeks I'd had.

The dates were awesome. Saturdays we got breakfast at the diner, sometimes we'd head to the woods and take a hike or we'd find a biking trail that she wanted to explore, and then at night we would hit Port Angeles for at least a nice dinner out and sometimes a movie too. Sundays were spent with the family until evening when I had to head back to Seattle.

Yeah, it was a tiring schedule, but every second was worth it.

Mrs. Wilton seemed to love my dedication and told me that Mr. Wilton had done something similar when they were courting. She lived a ways from him and it just wasn't possible to see each other on any other day except for the weekends, and his persistence and continued visits made it possible for them to find their love.

I guess it wasn't that weird then. Even though the guys were busting my balls about all my effort. But deep down I knew they were rooting for me; they all adored Bella and just wanted us both to be happy.

The weekend before school started Bella asked me to help her find a car. She had talked with her parents and, even though they weren't on good terms, they agreed to buy her a car, as they were all for her being comfortable while getting a college education. Bella told me that she planned to accept a car and continue to let them pay her college tuition. She didn't really want their charity, but she really had no other outlet for transportation, since she was going to be starting school alone in the fall.

Rose had decided to quit. She wasn't happy with her major anymore, she'd lost her desire to be an attorney and didn't want to complete it and not use her degree. Rose said she knew she needed to explore other options and decided to take some time off from studying and work.

So while I was away she applied at a few different firms and eventually got a job as a paralegal in town. They were a tiny business, but I guess they needed her assistance and the pay wasn't half bad. She would at least be able to support herself. Something that I admired in her; she'd always been driven despite us living a financially comfortable life. She wasn't a slacker, not at all actually, and while she wasn't happy with her current route, she at least wasn't going to sit on her ass moping around. I really respected that in her.

Bella seemed a little upset that she wasn't going to have Rose with her for her final year, but she also said that she was looking forward to meeting her new roommate. She had changed her mind on the apartment, since Rose wasn't going to be there and chose to just do the dorms again this year. I felt bad that she wasn't going to get the experience of living in an apartment during college, but in my mind, a dorm room was safer. If I wasn't going to be able to be there with her through the semester, then I was glad she would at least be safe.

We searched through countless cars until she finally settled on a nice new all-wheel drive Chevy Equinox. It was going to be good in the winter and it was small enough that it would still be reasonable on gas mileage. It was what her parents insisted on - a new, reliable vehicle that would last her, even though Bella had insisted a used car was all she needed, they said she could consider it an early graduation present if she wanted to. So now she was all set with a new vehicle, and she would be able to manage all of her other bills with the campus lunch staff job she had scored. She still wanted to try to be as independent as possible, even though her parents were paying her tuition and dorm board. I was proud of her for taking this step and it was really something that meant a lot to her.

Her pure excitement over her new car killed me; she'd never wanted one before but was very excited to have her own now. The joy in her face as she took us for a spin was adorable, and then when she brought it home to show my parents it was just the sweetest thing.

I was winding down on Mrs. Wilton's shoot so I was able to help Bella quite a bit with her move back to school. Something that she very much appreciated. After she was settled the lot of us – Mom, Dad, me and Bella - went out for dinner on the town.

Bella was adorable as she discussed her classes with Mom and Dad. She told them about how she was lucky to be in her psych class because it was only for Dean's list students, something she was completely proud of and she had every right to be. I marveled at the way she even talked politics with them. I found myself questioning why I ever believed Dad that she was too young for me. Isabella Swan had an old soul and was perfect for a guy like me.

I was the lucky one. And I planned to tell her that for the rest of her life.

I had to admit it was going to be nice being in the same town for more than just a few nights.

Of course, as of tomorrow, I only had reshoots left until I was finished with the project entirely, so it was going to be tough when the time came to pack up and leave.

I decided not to think about it and concentrate on savoring my time with her. Savor and enjoy it while I had it.

Sweet kisses and hugs kept me happy the rest of the evening until Mom and Dad decided to call it a night. I had never been one for public displays of affection in front of them. And I was glad that Bella seemed to feel the same way.

We said goodbye and she thanked them for all their help, along with promising to see them soon. Something that made me smile. And then they were off; on their way back to Forks.

That left Bella and I alone. Something we hadn't been before. Of course we'd gone on those dates and taken walks by ourselves, but there was always the lurking eye of one of them hiding around the corner. If it wasn't my folks, then it was neighbors or someone in town. Someone we always knew somewhere we went. And now, we had none of that. It was nice not feeling that pressure.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked, rubbing the back of my neck.

I had to admit that there were so many things I wanted to do, but I knew we were still taking it slow and I wasn't sure just how far Bella was ready to go. To be honest, other than a few hot and heavy make out sessions, we hadn't gone any further than that.

"Well…" she murmured. "I still haven't seen your place."

I smiled at her. It seemed we were pretty close to the same page thankfully.

"Let's head back there then," I said taking her hand.

I was nervous for some strange reason. Bella and I had been through nearly everything that two people could go through and yet I was standing there with sweaty palms at the thought of her spending the night.

We got into my car; I'd switched it out when I was home and picking up Bella for the move. Dad and Mom drove the Trailblazer with her things in it. I knew I would be just fine with my Camaro and I also remembered Bella's aversion to riding in the Trailblazer.

I knew she had her own car now, but I still felt the need to have something I could drive her in that she would feel comfortable in.

I'm telling you, I was nervous. Worrying about stupid little things was proof enough.

On the ride over to my place I thought dessert might be a nice idea. It would at least give us an ice breaker for when we got there.

"Do you wanna stop and get something for dessert?"

A broad grin swept across her face and I could see that she was pleased with my idea.

"Sure that sounds good."

I pulled up in front of a food truck that I'd stopped at before. This guy was Italian and made some of most delicious cakes and ice creams I'd ever tasted. I still was baffled that he was able to accomplish it all in the back of that tiny truck, but he told me he didn't have anywhere else to cook really. We'd chatted a few nights when I'd finished up with Mrs. Wilton and I was alone for the evening. I didn't always want to head back to my lonely apartment just to sit by myself, so some nights I found myself making friends with the locals.

This guy included.

"Hey Edward," a gruff voice said as we walked up to the window.

"Hi Giovanni," I replied. "How are you this evening?"

"Not as good as you are, I see," he said throwing a wink to Bella as she walked up beside me.

I smirked. "This is my girlfriend, she's just moved back to college."

"Ah…_the _Isabella?"

"The one and only," I told him, throwing an arm around Bella's shoulders.

"And how are you this evening, miss?"

"I'm great, thank you," she said with a smile and snuggled into me.

"I'll take two of your chocolate cake pieces and ice cream on both please."

"You got it," he said with a nod before getting down to work.

"You're going to love this stuff," I told her before dropping a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sure I am. What's not to love, when there's chocolate involved, nothing can go wrong."

We both chuckled and when Giovanni was finished he handed me a plastic bag with both pieces boxed up. I paid and we were on our way again.

My apartment was just a short five minute drive from there and when we reached the parking lot, I found my spot, parked, and helped Bella out of the car and up the stairs. I quickly unlocked the door and let her in. I was nervous and jittery; it felt wonderful to have Bella alone in my temporary Seattle home, but the uncertainty of where we stood in moving on with our relationship seemed to heighten my anxiety.

I gave Bella the grand tour, but it didn't take long because there wasn't much to see, just the essentials since it was a sublet, but I still wanted to show her around and make sure she felt comfortable. Especially if she was staying the night...

I took a deep breath to try and calm myself. "And this is my bedroom," I murmured, swinging open the door.

At first she didn't say anything as she looked around. I knew she was nervous as well, but then she turned to me and pulled me down for a kiss, and whispered against my lips, "Thank you for the tour, I'm hoping I'll get to cuddle with you in here later."

I pulled back and smiled at her. "Oh yes, Miss Swan, you most certainly will."

I then led her back into the kitchen. She seemed pleased with the place even though it was small.

"So how long are you here 'til?" she wondered when we sat on the couch. I'd gotten us both a glass of water and some spoons to eat our dessert with.

"Well, if all goes according to plan," I said taking a bite of the delicious chocolaty goodness. "Mid-October, then I would probably have to move back to Forks. But Jenna, the person I sublet from, is gone until December, so if something comes up at least I won't be homeless. Although, it is kind of small, so it really wouldn't be much good to work out of long term."

She nodded, but didn't say anything. Just focusing on the cake.

"God, this is good," she said with a smile after a moment.

"I told you, this guy makes some of the best food in town."

We talked a little about her classes before turning on the TV and relaxing. It wasn't at all uncomfortable as it was at first. And, to me, I didn't think Bella thought so either.

The night drifted on and I knew Bella wanted to be on campus tomorrow morning to meet her roommate.

"Do you want to sleep here tonight?" I asked softly, after clicking off the TV.

She looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes and a smile on those beautiful lips. "If you don't mind?"

"I don't mind at all," I told her, standing up and taking her hand. "I'd love to have that snuggle time you mentioned."

I led her back to my room and she grabbed her purse by the door. And she took it inside my bathroom.

I reminded myself that we were taking it slow and, even though she was sleeping over, that didn't mean she was ready to move any further along than we'd already been.

"Hey, can I borrow one of your shirts?"

"Sure," I said automatically before swallowing and getting her one. I honestly didn't choose it on purpose, but when I saw which one it was I knew it was going to be trouble.

"Here you go," I said standing beside the door and looking away.

Her hand poked out and she took it. I found myself trying to calm myself again. I decided that tonight wasn't going to be any different than any other night that I'd spent there. Well…except for jerking off to Bella's image before passing out. That wouldn't be happening. But everything else would be the same, so I began stripping off my pants. After carefully placing my wallet on the nightstand and my cellphone next to it, I undid my belt and pulled off my dress pants. Next went my sweater. I was left in my undershirt and boxers. It was how I felt comfortable sleeping and I was sure that I didn't even have a pair of sleep pants with me. They were all back in Forks because I really didn't like wearing them.

The only problem with just wearing boxers was that I couldn't even try to attempt to hide my reaction to Bella when she came out of the bathroom dressed in my t-shirt that hung to about mid-thigh.

Her creamy legs were all there for me to ogle. And the t-shirt...I groaned and gave a half ass attempt to will away the semi that was making itself known.

She was sporting my _Flasher_ t-shirt. It was a throwback at photographer humor. A shirt that she had gotten me for Christmas a few years back and I absolutely loved it.

When I couldn't hide my reaction, I quickly slipped beneath the blankets. I didn't want Bella to be offended at the effect that she had on me. While she'd been witness to it before, I wasn't about to make her uncomfortable now. Not when she had just asked to spend the night. We were moving slow, and I knew that was important to her.

A moment later she was on the other side of the bed happily peeling back the covers.

"Is this okay?" she murmured.

"Of course it is," I told her. There was nothing wrong with her climbing in beside me, none at all.

She slid underneath the covers and wriggled over next to me. Her head rested on my shoulder and I wrapped an arm around her. I wanted her close. I couldn't help it, because I craved it. And I wondered if sleep would finally come tonight. After so long without any real restful sleep it would be interesting to see if I would be able to drift off easily.

"Thank you for helping me today," she murmured before rubbing her foot softly up and down my calf.

I wanted to tell her to stop it, but I just couldn't. "You're welcome, baby."

I laid there silently still trying to ignore my hard on, subtly moving so she wouldn't feel it as she cuddled closer into my side.

Just as I did though, Bella picked her head and those brown eyes looked down at me, staring into mine. My heart melted, my throat began choke with emotion. This was everything I'd wanted for so long and it was difficult getting used to finally having it. My hand tentatively reached up and touched her beautiful face.

"I want a kiss goodnight," she mumbled before quickly leaning down and pressing her lips to mine.

It all happened so quickly I barely registered what was occurring because in a moment she was hovering over me, kissing me like the sun wasn't going to come out tomorrow.

When passionate pecks weren't enough she opened and I slid my tongue on hers, caressing it softly. Again, I was still trying to reign myself in. I wanted to make sure we didn't move too fast and I certainly didn't want to have something happen that she would regret come morning.

But after a while of hotly making out her hands began to have a mind of their own and they snuck down my chest and somehow landed themselves atop of my crotch. I wondered for a moment if she really knew what she was doing but the smirk she had on her lips when she pulled away told me that she did...

She knew exactly what she was doing.

I pulled my mouth off her and flipped her over underneath me. When she was laying there with her hair fanning my pillow, her cheeks pinked from the move I just pulled, and her lips plump from our kissing, I couldn't think of a time she'd ever looked more beautiful.

Well, maybe just one. And when that time came floating into my head, I shook it to temporarily rid myself of that memory. I didn't want anything tainting this moment with her.

"What do you think you're doing, baby girl?" I asked with a little chuckle.

She smirked again, but said nothing.

"Were you trying to take advantage of me? After I offered to share my bed with you, uh, I never," I joked.

And when she let out a giggle I began to relax. If memory served me well Bella would need to relax as well. She was a virgin after all.

Yes, we'd talked about Jimmy and Ryan to the point that we needed to. She said she hadn't slept with either of them. And while she didn't mention anyone else I was fairly certain there wasn't anyone else to mention.

Bella's glinting smile and twinkling eyes told me that she was as for this as I was. We'd taken the slow route. We'd gotten to know each other again. We'd dated. And now, after everything we'd been through, we were finally going to make love to one another.

I closed my eyes and swallowed. The intensity of the moment became too much as I hovered over her. She gently caressed my cheek, making me shiver as she traced my jaw and lips with her fingers.

Then when I opened my eyes again and saw her pink cheeks, her sweet, heart-shaped face, I leaned down and pecked those soft lips.

"Bella," I breathed against her lips. "Are you sure you want to continue?"

I leaned back slightly and searched her face. "Yes, Edward, I'm sure."

I smiled and leaned in to kiss her again. We got wrapped up in each other and before long I was peeling her - really my - shirt off of her and she had discarded mine as well.

Her tiny panties were next, only after I kissed down her neck and all over her chest.

I found myself in the land of her tits. It was such a good place to be that I spent some extra time tweaking and twisting until Bella was a panting mess. I let my tongue poke out and have a taste of her pretty, pink peaks before swirling it around them and earning me a well deserved gasp from my lovely lady. Then I moved down her fit and firmed belly before reaching the top of those blue poke-a-dot panties.

_Heaven help me._

My fingers slid around the edges, delicately parting them from her ivory skin before peeling them completely away from her.

Down her legs and then off into the corner to be forgotten until morning.

I kissed up one leg, while letting my fingers dance up her other all the way, until I reached just where my cock was begging to be.

Honestly, this was the first time I'd ever seen Bella's pussy and I wasn't about to let a moment pass without really being able to take in the sight that it was.

Her mound had a soft clump of hair, but her lips were bare. And while we hadn't talked about it, this was my favorite combination. There was nothing better than being able to see the reaction I had on her. Her juices coating her tender skin.

It was a delicious sight and I couldn't help myself.

Hearing her breath hitch and then a low moan escape from her when my tongue slid over her soft, wet folds.

There was nothing like finally being with Bella. This was something that I'd dreamed about for years and knowing in my heart that I loved her and that she loved me back, it made this experience something completely different and very special.

After slowly sinking a single finger into her tight little pussy, I wiggled it and began to fuck her with it. I wanted her ready. I couldn't see causing her pain the first time, or any time for that matter. I wanted her primed, wet and ready for me.

"Oh Edward," she cooed softly, as I began to find a rhythm she liked and her hips began to meet my hand.

My hand moved swiftly and when I got my thumb rubbing her clit she really began to enjoy it.

"Come for me, baby," I grunted because I was pathetic.

Watching her writhe in pleasure was making me nearly blow my load all over her.

Her back arched off the sheets and she shook before softly crying out my name.

"Baby," I whispered letting her come down before sliding my finger out of her.

My tongue begged to lap up all those sweet juices running down my digit. And I took my chance.

Fucking tasty. When I looked back down to see Bella's eyes lidded and a lazy smile spread across her lips, I felt like the happiest man on Earth. I'd just given my girl pleasure and that, to me, was huge. Watching her fade in satisfaction was a pride I couldn't get from anywhere else.

I kissed my way up her small frame until our lips met again.

"Is this okay?" I whispered, seeking some kind of final affirmation that she understood what we were about to do.

"Yes, so perfect," she whispered and then gently placed her hands on my cheeks. "I want you, Edward."

I took a moment just to search her face, to make certain there weren't any lingering concerns. But when a gentle smile broke out across her lips I could tell she was ready. "I want you too, Bella, so much."

I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a condom. While I knew I was clean, I wasn't sure how Bella felt about sex without a condom as we hadn't yet discussed birth control. Plus, I knew she was a virgin and anything to make the act a little less painful was worth a shot in my book. The lubricated condom would hopefully help make things easier.

I wasn't assuming Bella would want sex any time soon when I'd thrown in a small three pack at the store the other day, I just knew that eventually we would be taking this step and being prepared was better than not.

I looked up at Bella to see her smirking at me as I rolled the latex film over my length.

"What?" I asked with a grin.

"Pretty sure of yourself, huh?"

I chuckled and shook my head. "No, not at all, just remember how long it took for us to actually get here?" I murmured, before hovering over her again.

Her eyes were filled with lust and her breath hitched as my cock grazed her moist lips.

Nerves. They were everywhere between us. Me too, I had them because I wanted to make this experience as memorable as possible for her. And Bella, well, for obvious reasons. I couldn't blame her, I was nervous my first time too.

But things were different now. There wasn't another girl and I knew looking down into those deep, brown eyes that there wouldn't ever be another girl.

"I love you, baby," I told her before slipping my hand between her thighs and guiding myself into her hot, wet center.

"I love you, too," she gasped as I began to enter her.

"Take a deep breath and blow it out slowly, sweetheart."

She did as I instructed and then I went with speed, since all of my reading on the subject had told me that the less time you spend sliding in, the less pain the woman would feel.

Yes, I'd taken my time to consider this after Bella and I had decided to start dating. I figured when the time came at least I would be prepared. I'd never been with a virgin before, so this was all new to me.

I grunted, reveling in the feeling of finally being so deep within her. A place where I'd only dreamed about being.

"Fuck," I groaned, looking down at the beautiful sight beneath me.

She was grinning at me. Really smiling, like she was as happy as I was; that was such a wonderful sight to see.

"Bella, are you okay, baby?"

I had to ask, I had to know I wasn't hurting her.

"Yeah," she whispered before clearing her throat. "It hurts and burns a bit, but I'm okay."

I closed my eyes and nodded before focusing on the task at hand. I needed to make this so fucking good for her.

I pulled out slightly before pushing in. My body craved speed and depth. It wanted to take all the pleasure that Bella's tight little body was offering me, but I couldn't.

Slow and light strokes soon made her whine for more.

"Are you sure?" I asked, more than wanting to give her what she was asking.

"Yes, so sure," she whimpered, squirming beneath me.

I knew she was seeking friction and I was about to give it to her.

Once my hips were resting against her I pulled out almost completely before sliding in again. Never going too hard. And it wasn't long before she was shuddering.

"Are you close, sweetie?"

When she nodded I silently thanked the Gods above.

I rubbed her clit, working her over good and proper, before deepening my strokes.

"Oh Edward."

I groaned doubling my efforts as my arms burned and my balls began to tingle.

"Fuck," she muttered.

"Come on, Bella, I need you to come for me," I urged.

"Coming," she whispered as I plunged into her and pinched her swollen clit.

Her tight little cavern began to squeeze the life out of my cock and I couldn't hold back any longer. My hips began to thrust erratically and take their own direction, seeking the finish I so desperately wanted.

"Fuck Bella," I grunted one last time before I came, filling the condom and suddenly feeling breathless.

My legs felt like jelly and arms gave out, pushing her into the mattress.

We laid there for a moment, pressed up against each other just breathing and slowly touching while the clock ticked.

I felt myself begin to soften, so I rolled to the side and pulled out of her, instantly missing being inside of her.

I grabbed a tissue and tossed the condom before pulling her into my side to snuggle. I was sated, happy and needed her close. I'd never really been a fan of cuddling before Bella, but now it was one of my favorite things to do…just hold her close and silently enjoy the love we shared.

I kissed her forehead gently before pulling the covers up around us. "Are you okay?" I whispered.

She sighed contently and snuggled further into my side. "Yes, I'm perfect, Edward."

And for the first time in many months I felt perfect as well, and sleep actually came willingly.

* * *

**There you have it! They've done it! :)**

See you next time.

**Traveler tomorrow and Tick Tock Wednesday, followed by some more Traveler on Friday! **


	29. New Roommates & Photography Sessions

**Thanks MC!**

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**Crushing Chapter 29**

**EPOV**

The next morning, after a warm bubble bath together, where I made sure she was okay, I accompanied Bella while she went back to the dorm to finally meet her new roommate. Her name was supposed to be Tanya and she was a transfer from some tiny school out East. Bella seemed pretty happy and they'd talked through e-mails a couple of times over the past week. But she still seemed a little nervous, so I decided to invite myself along.

I remembered what it was like when you had to meet the new roommate. I generally didn't get nervous, but there were always awkward moments that made it hard when you realized you were stuck in a room with someone.

I kissed her sweetly before we entered and Bella seemed to relax. I was just glad I could provide her comfort in some way. It made me feel like I had a purpose, even if just to be a buffer, that was fine with me.

Inside, there was a woman about Bella's age bent over a box and the formerly empty side of the room was now filled with all sorts of things. I squeezed Bella's hand, trying to give her the confidence she would need. Just one look at the few things the girl had unpacked and I could tell she was a girly girl. Pink and purple smattered everywhere and one quick look also showed trophies for pageants, I assumed. Since one was Ms. Seattle and the other one was Ms. Junior Washington.

The urge to shake my head at this discovery overwhelmed me, but I ignored it and forced a smile on my face. I'd dealt with plenty of pageant girls in my time, whether at school or in my photography career and they were all the same. A little dull, a little too cheerful, and a little self-absorbed.

When Bella said hello, the girl popped up and immediately walked over to us.

She was a strawberry blonde with cold blue eyes, not like Emmett's at all. She was thin with a large rack, and while it would've been the kind of girl I normally would've gone for before, I couldn't find one ounce of her attractive. There was no one for me now but Bella.

"Hello there, Bella," Tanya said smiling, holding out a hand.

"Hi Tanya, it's nice to finally meet you," Bella replied, shaking her hand.

"Oh the hell with this, we're going to be more than just roommates. I know we'll be best friends, right?" Tanya squealed excitedly, before pulling Bella into a hug.

Bella couldn't have looked more uncomfortable, and while I tried to stifle a chuckle, she pried herself away from this interesting chick.

Poor Bella had a long road ahead of her with her new roommate.

After Bella did peel herself away from the girl she came to stand in front of me. She had a fake smile on her face and a glint in her eyes. "You must be _the_ Edward that she's been talking about," she said in a slightly husky tone.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and stuck my hand out for her. "Yes, that would be me, nice to meet you, Tanya."

After I made sure Bella was comfortable I kissed her softly and slipped out. Mrs. Wilton wasn't expecting me until Monday, but I had some editing I needed to work on, so I headed home after promising Bella that I would see her soon. And I meant it, because after what we shared last night, I wasn't sure I would be able to fall asleep alone any time soon.

***C***

The next two weeks flew by. I was slammed with reshoots and editing and Bella said she was stressed over her new classes, so we both needed some time apart to get our shit done. But we did talk on the phone and text regularly, and did find one night to spend together on the weekend, where we just had dinner and cuddled in my bed.

We hadn't found much time to connect other than our late night conversations. Even being in the same city didn't help much. So when I found myself with a free afternoon, I decided to surprise Bella. I'd made a promise to myself. I wanted to spoil her any way I could and this was just one small part of that.

After texting her to confirm that she was coming straight back to her dorm room after her last class, I headed down to the market.

I bought Bella's favorite sandwich and salad, then I grabbed myself one. No, I didn't actually cook for her, but it was better than nothing and on the current schedule I had, this was all I had time for.

I managed to grab some grapes and cheese as well as a nice bottle of wine before heading out. After all, Bella was officially twenty-one now. We didn't, however, go out and get completely hammered on her birthday. No, we just took it easy, but the excitement was clear on her face when she ordered her first legal drink and I was so happy that I got to share that night with her.

Bella's resident advisor, Catherine, who I had become acquainted with over the past month, thought my surprise was sweet and was nice enough to let me in to her room and didn't say one word about the bottle of wine.

Sure, we could've had dinner at my place, but I really wanted to surprise her and this was the only way I could really see doing that.

After a few minutes, I had everything set up for her. Then I sat on her bed and waited.

A key in the lock told me that she was almost there and I stood up, anxious to have her in my arms.

But when the door opened to reveal Tanya, I was more than a little put off. I guess I'd forgotten about that small detail that she could show up because Bella had said Tanya had a late class.

How awkward would that make dinner, sitting there trying to have a romantic time and having Tanya on the other side of the room.

"Oh Edward, what a pleasant surprise," she said cheerfully, as she set her books down on her desk.

"Hi Tanya."

"Awe, how sweet! Are you and Bella having a little dinner date here?" she asked with a sweet smile.

I nodded. "We haven't had a lot of time to see each other lately and I thought this would be a nice treat. I guess I wasn't expecting you, sorry. Once she gets here, we'll pack up and I'll take her back to my place," I told her.

"Don't worry about that, I'll be out of your hair in just a second," she murmured, moving to her closet. "My class got out early, so I am actually heading out for a bit."

I watched as she picked out some clothes and laid them on her bed.

"You know," she said quietly, turning away from me. "I'd never say anything to Bella, because I think she's great… But don't _you_ think you could do better?" she said before stripping off her shirt and putting her ample black laced chest on display. "'Cause I know, Edward, that you could handle a real woman."

I turned, facing the wall, since I had no desire to watch this woman undress any further. I didn't bother to say anything either. I just rolled my eyes and hoped Bella would soon show up.

A few more minutes of rustling and then she appeared beside me, dressed, thankfully.

"Listen Edward, like I said, Bella is a great_ girl_. She's so sweet too. Nothing better than that, but I just really wanted to tell you, that I like you. And if, you know, you ever need anything…more. I'm always here for you," she said with a wink before stealing a grape and slipping out the door.

I breathed a sigh of relief before leaning back on Bella's bed and scrubbing my face.

That bitch was crazy.

Luckily, Bella showed up just a few minutes later and I was able to surprise her. She loved it and the smile that spread across her face made up for all the shit that Tanya had poured out earlier. If she thought that I would ever cheat on or leave Bella for her, she was insane.

We spent the night talking about our day and catching up in general.

Then as we quieted, she crawled into my lap, pressing warm kisses on my lips. And I couldn't help but get carried away.

She was on top of me, grinding into my sizable erection, moaning and I could easily tell what she wanted. What we both wanted.

I flipped her over, putting her under me.

"You want this here, baby?" I whispered, nibbling at her neck.

I couldn't say that I didn't think about the possibility of Tanya walking in while I was making love to my girl. Maybe that would teach her where my heart belonged.

"Yes, I don't care…I need you," she mewled, getting restless.

I wanted her just as much and I really didn't feel like moving the party back to my place. It would completely wreck the mood.

"Under the blankets," she murmured, shuffling around and trying to pull her comforter back.

I crawled under there with her and began kissing her with purpose once she was laid back on the pillow for me.

I pushed her shirt up, peeling down the cups of her bra. Making for a quick cover up, if needed.

Her soft tits were right there, I ached to taste them. And taste them I did. I moved my efforts down from her neck to her chest, kissing and sucking. I had her crying out for more when I pinched and rubbed at her tightened little nipples.

I kissed slowly down her flat stomach, letting the heat between us build. That's what I wanted. When her leg started shaking, I knew it was time to move along. She needed me. I let my fingertips slip in between the elastic of her pretty little purple panties and I pulled them down her legs with her help.

And when she was bare for me I let my fingers play between her legs. Her breath came out in pants and her chest heaved as I got her closer and closer, before she finally let out a long moan. I watched as her whole body began to shake and shudder. Her eyes were closed, but it still had to be the sexiest thing I'd ever seen.

When she came down and was calm I stripped out of my pants, grabbing my wallet before they were kicked to the floor. I pulled out a condom and rolled it on wanting nothing more than to be between her thighs, in the soft heat I knew was ready for me.

I slipped down letting my cock rest on her leg, nudging her open for me. I kissed her tender, now swollen lips, and licked my way inside her mouth. Our tongues twisted lazily and when there was enough room for me I lined myself up and pushed inside her.

She was still so tight, so hot, and so wet. I didn't think I was ever going to get used to that feeling. I grunted softly into her mouth as I tried to calm myself. There was no need to end this early, not when I desperately wanted her. Not when my goal in life was to now show her all the love I could.

She groaned and lifted her hips to meet mine as I pushed into her again. I kept my strokes slow and steady. They were deep and I could feel her stretching around me. Just being reminded that I was the only man to ever be inside her was enough to almost make me come.

I pulled my mouth off of her, wanting to hear her sweet noises.

And as I did her hips picked up speed, crushing my rhythm and starting their own. She wanted speed, she craved me like a wild animal and when I gave her what she wanted her nails just dug into my back, begging for more.

"Fuck, baby," I grunted, taking her legs, folding them over her before doubling my efforts.

She whimpered and I could tell she was close. Sweat began to bead on her forehead and I knew she was working for it. She wanted the intensity.

My hand slipped up her body, cupping her full breasts and smooth skin as it went, until it reached her neck. I considered applying pressure there, but I didn't want to freak her out…maybe another time. So, I continued up. Holding her chin and forcing my thumb into her mouth. She knew what to do, sucking and licking. I dreamed about the day she would finally suck my cock. But for now I would live in the hot walls of her pussy without complaint.

Her breathing hitched and her eyes glazed over as she came undone beneath me. Her screech was partially covered by my hand. But I didn't miss the sound at the door behind us.

I kept going, though; too close to lose everything now.

I pushed into Bella erratically and just felt.

"So fucking good, so tight. Shit…baby, I love you," I choked out as my balls began to tingle.

"I love you too," she murmured tiredly, completely oblivious to the door opening.

A small yelp came from behind us before I heard the door slam and I finally came, releasing everything I had in me with a deep groan.

That had to be one of the best orgasms of my life. And when Bella's soft hand reached for me and pulled me down, completely on top of her I couldn't have felt closer to her. She held me, stroking my hair as we caught our breath together.

Then my head began to bounce with her chuckles.

"What's so funny?" I asked lifting my head to look at her.

She looked so at peace, her eyes were so calm and her face was stunning. Her hair was adorable, completely disheveled, but she still had to be the sexiest woman I ever laid eyes on.

"Um…I'm pretty sure we scared Tanya off," she said with another laugh.

"Oh God, you heard it too?"

She nodded, giggling. "Oh well, next time she'll heed that Do-Not-Disturb sign I flipped over when I came in the room and saw you earlier," she said with a contented sigh.

I pulled out of her and disposed of the condom before fixing her shirt and cuddling back into her. Yes, her bed might be tiny, but I honestly didn't feel like leaving her any time soon.

*C*

I was anxious to wrap up the job; it had been a lot of satisfying work, and I was excited to see the finished product. Once I was done though. It meant I was going to have to move back to Forks, something I wasn't looking forward too.

I handed the final disk of prints to Mrs. Wilton for her to review and was expecting to leave when she caught me by the arm.

"Edward, do you have a minute?"

"Certainly," I said turning to her.

"Listen, I wanted to run something by you."

I nodded for her to continue.

"I was talking with one of my friends, a magazine editor, and they said they need some Ad layout shots done. She asked if I knew anyone I could recommend and I gave them your card. But I also remembered that you mentioned you were going to be moving back to Forks shortly after you finished up here. So, I was wondering if you've reconsidered that, and would stay in Seattle? Because honestly, I could get you some work, good work, as these Ad layouts pay quite well, and if you do a good job, as I suspect you will, it could really open up a new realm of photography work for you," she told me with a genuine smile.

"Wow, Mrs. Wilton, that's wonderful. Thank you. Any work would be greatly appreciated. And yes, actually, I was considering staying if I could find more work, but I'll need to look for the right place to live because my sublet is quite small."

She nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment. "So, it's okay if I pass out your card to a few people I know?" she wondered.

"Yeah, that's fine, thank you again." I was shocked. I wasn't going to count on clients before I had them, but just the fact that Mrs. Wilton was so happy with my work and that she wanted to pass out my card made me ecstatic.

***C***

A few weeks later I found myself in a new apartment. One that was all mine. I knew that I had told myself I wasn't going to just settle for a place near Bella, but this one was so perfect, I couldn't resist. She was just a five minute walk away and the place had high ceilings and an extra room that was perfect for a studio.

I was glad to have it too because Mrs. Wilton wasn't lying when she said she had passed around my name to her friends. Before I knew it my cell was ringing off the hook and I was booking big jobs. I was so thankful that I offered to do some free of charge promo shots for her new upcoming line, and Mrs. Wilton was thrilled with my offer of appreciation.

Bella was very impressed and happy for me and loved my new place.

I was just happy that I got to be relatively close to her. Even though I was busier than ever.

And I was also pretty happy that most late Friday nights together turned into sleepovers. We'd have dinner, cuddle or watch a movie. Sometimes she'd do homework and I'd show her some of my work, and then we'd go to bed and make love.

Yum. We had such a special relationship now; loving each other completely. It was my dream life come true.

The weeks started flying by and the holidays were coming up quick.

Mom and Dad were a little upset that Bella and I were only able to come down for the day on Thanksgiving, but we promised them a much longer visit at Christmas.

Things were really going well for Bella in college too. She was studying so hard and really making the grades to show it.

I was so proud of her and I told her every chance I could.

And since we were spending a good chunk of time together, I got to cheer her on regularly. A happy balance had finally been found. It was good.

Then, around the first of December I got a call.

Thinking it was Bella, since I was expecting her call, I automatically answered.

"Hey babe," I said sweetly into my phone.

"Well, hello there Edward," I heard a scratchy voice attempt to purr.

Instantly I pulled the phone away from my cheek and checked the number. It was in fact Bella's, so I wondered who the hell had her phone.

"Who is this?"

"Tanya, but you can call me babe," she said with a giggle.

I tried not to gag.

"What's up Tanya, something I can help you with?" I asked politely. "I see you're calling from Bella's phone."

"Yes, she said I could use it because, in fact, there is something you may be able to help me with. Bella said you take professional photos?"

"I do…" I began, but was cut off.

"Oh, goodie," she squealed. "You see, the Washington Christmas Pageant is coming up and I need some shots done for my portfolio."

"Tanya, I'm really not sure I'm the guy you should be seeking out. My prices might be a bit high for you, and I'm actually really busy and can't cut you much of a deal. I've got a place to pay for now."

I hoped my excuses would be enough of a deterrent to make her find someone else.

"Oh, Edward, whatever your fees are, that's fine, money is _not_ an issue. My parents are loaded and said they would pay for professional services to make sure I got the best shots. So name your price!"

"Great," I muttered, sighing heavily. "E-mail me exactly what you need and we'll get something worked out."

I kept telling myself that I was doing it for Bella because it was her roommate and I knew it would give them something to bond over. God knows they needed it.

And I knew those kinds of shoots well. It should go relatively quickly and I could make decent bank off of it. It wasn't hard work, just tedious.

So, after some negotiation, we nailed down a time to meet at my place and she agreed to bring Bella. I really didn't want to be alone with the girl. So it was better that way.

*C*

The week passed quickly, but still allowing me to find some much needed date time with Bella. The day before the shoot with Tanya we found ourselves curled up on my couch together. Our hands were linked and she was tucked under my arm with her feet on legs. It was the perfect night. We just watched TV until she frowned at the clock and announced that she needed to get back to the dorm. I accepted it because we were in a good place; I didn't need Bella to feel suffocated, even though I would've loved nothing more than for her to keep my bed warm each and every night.

That time would come eventually. And for now I would wait patiently.

The next afternoon I set up the studio with soft lighting, hoping to give Tanya the blemish free look I knew she would want. She was like all the rest that I'd shot for like this in the past. They wanted to look like fucking Barbie dolls. Where there was nothing real about them. But, I couldn't really blame them considering what they were working to achieve. Momentary perfection.

At a quarter to three there was a knock on the door and I was surprised. I tossed the magazine I was skimming through and went to open the door.

It was Tanya. And she was alone… I wasn't expecting her yet, since we agreed to meet at four.

I blew out a breath and prepared myself for her onslaught.

"Hey Eddie. I know I'm early, but Bella said you wouldn't mind. She had to go to the library first, but said she'd be over shortly."

I guess she was right. I didn't mind, but still wished Bella had made it.

I told Tanya where the bathroom was so she could change and check her make up before heading into the studio and getting ready.

Soon enough I was clicking off shots of Tanya in a gaudy Christmas ball gown. She was wearing too much make up so it looked like it was caked on, and I knew I was gonna have to do some touching up there. I shook my head; the girl was actually beautiful but looked quite fake. I felt bad for her that she thought she needed to wear all that to get the attention she sought.

"Okay, now turn to the side and rest your hands on your stomach," I said, trying to direct her in a pose that would be exactly what she wanted. "Good, yes, just like that."

A few more shots and then we were ready to move on.

She went through the process of changing into casual, which happened to be designer jeans and a fancy, glittery t-shirt. Again, back in the day, I might have liked what I saw, but now it honestly did nothing for me.

I called out the typical shots, before pulling out a fake log and sprinkling some leaves and a little artificial snow around her. I thought an outdoor background would really set off her eyes. And I knew that was what she was going to want; natural and appealing to the eye.

After that we moved on to her talent portion. Tanya told me that she could play the guitar so she decided to change into leather pants and a tiny vest with nothing underneath, while she pretended to strum on the guitar. Yeah, she looked kind of awkward…but I did my best with what I had to work with. It really was sad the shit girls went through to be deemed beautiful. I was just grateful that Bella was nothing like that.

A few lighting changes and a couple of wardrobe adjustments and I was able to capture something that looked remotely like what she was striving for.

Then of course I knew the last to come was the swimsuit portion. This wasn't my first pageant shoot, but unlike my first a number of years ago, I wasn't looking forward to her coming out of the bathroom. She had been eyeing me strangely, and I wasn't stupid…I knew she was interested in me. Hell, she'd already flat out told me that much. And to have her in my apartment, dressed in what I could only assume would be next to nothing, was not my idea of a good time; at least not anymore.

That was why I wanted Bella here with us.

I was such a horndog when I was younger, and not to sound too cocky, but I saw the signs.

Now though, I dreamed only about when I would see Bella in a bikini again.

I couldn't wait for this shoot to be over.

"Alright, Eddie, here I come," she announced, stepping out in what had to be the tinniest swimsuit known to man. We're talking pieces of red satiny material here. Holy fuck.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes _again_ and told her where to stand and how to pose.

I briefly glanced down at my watch and wondered where Bella was…hoping she was okay and would soon show up. Tanya had said she would be right along and now we were venturing on an hour and a half into this horrid shoot.

"How's this?" she asked after fluffing her hair and pursing her lips. Oh and of course sticking her chest out.

"Great," I said, trying to be positive. She flaunted her full breasts and her flat stomach, which was what most girls wanted, so I rolled with it. Then she turned to the side slightly so I could get a few that also featured her backside.

After I clicked off a few more decent shots, I declared us finished. I wanted to get this tramp out of my apartment; I'd had enough and I wanted to go find Bella. But Tanya just didn't get the hint.

"Can I see the final pictures?" she wondered, still wandering around in her bikini.

"How about later?" I said, hoping she would get the point and go put her clothes back on.

"Oh come on," she said swatting my chest with a giggle.

"Fine, just give me a minute to upload them. You can change while I'm doing that," I told her, grabbing my computer.

I slipped my SD card out of the camera and loaded them on my laptop before plopping down on the couch. I set them up in the proper folder and program before getting them up on the screen.

I really had thought that she had gone to change while I was loading the photos on there.

Finally they were ready to be viewed.

But when I called Tanya over I realized she had not changed, no, she had just re-applied her lip gloss. Making me even more wary of having her in my apartment. But I figured the quicker we reviewed the pictures, the faster she would be gone. So, with a sigh, I began showing them to her. She sat far too close for my liking, but I knew the appointment was almost done and I was grateful for that. We got about halfway through them before I ran out of couch to scoot over away from her.

And when we reached the bikini pictures I noticed her moving even closer. I clicked through to next picture and before I could look up Tanya was on my lap straddling me…and that was about the same time I heard the lock click and the door swing open.

"What in the fuck?" I said angrily as I tried to push the slutbag off me.

And as I turned my head, that was when I saw Bella standing next to the kitchen island looking completely appalled.

Fuck my life.

* * *

**Oh man!**

**What is Bella gonna say? **

**Trouble in paradise?**

**Who hates Tanya?**


	30. My Forever

**A huge thank you to MC for this one. Not only did she hold my hand through writing it, but I sent her the wrong final copy, so she basically beta'd this chapter like 4 times. I owe her extra hugs and kisses! **

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**Crushing 30**

**BPOV**

I stood there gaping at the scene in front of me. There was who I thought had become a close friend, now straddling my boyfriend; someone that I had really and truly worked hard to like and get along with, and I wasn't sure which one to start yelling at first.

Instead I just stood there shell shocked. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

I heard him telling her to get the fuck off of him, but either way, my mind was still going a million miles a minute. It was a tangled mess in my brain trying to sortout what could've happened.

"What the hell is going on here?" I finally spat out. The emotional turmoil that was swimming through my head was unfathomable.

"Bella, let me-" But I cut Edward off, because I wasn't taking shit from anyone anymore. I had learned I didn't deserve that from anyone in my life. I'd been walked on enough in my life and he needed to know that I was stronger than that. Not even Edward at this point.

Tanya jumped off Edward just as I began to speak again, "Tanya get your damn clothes on... What the hell do you think you're trying to prove here? Because I know Edward wouldn't do this, I trust him and know he would not cheat on me..."

"You know nothing, Bella!" She scowled at me and waltzed into the bathroom while he muttered a string of swear words.

And as I began to actually react to the situation, I realized something. Edward chose me over Ms. Model. He chose me over all of his other past girlfriends. And even though he was gorgeous and could get any girl he desired, he wanted me. That meant something, right? And after all the time we'd spent going slow and getting to know each other again, that also meant something? This didn't add up, Edward couldn't have planned to seduce her. He was above that.

I balled my fists in frustration, Tanya was making me question the one thing I knew was solid in my life and she was going to pay for it, here and now. My anger began to boil inside me, my blood thundered through my ears, coursing through my veins with the rage that I suddenly felt.

I swallowed and took a deep breath before going over to him.

I stared up into his deep green eyes for a brief moment. I could tell he was worried. He didn't want me to leave him; he didn't want this to be the end.

"When she leaves, you strip, burn those clothes, then go scrub yourself until your skin is raw. And after that, I do believe we need to talk."

My words were firm, but they did offer him some relief, I could see that much in his eyes.

Tanya wasn't long changing, thankfully, before she had stuffed all her belongings in her bag and was on her way out. Thinking she wasn't going to have to say a word to me. Boy, was she wrong.

"Tanya, you just couldn't learn, could you?" I asked snidely, before she passed me.

"Oh get real, Bella. He doesn't want you, I know he doesn't," she whispered coldly, narrowing her eyes at me.

I wanted to laugh, because really, everything that Tanya had seen of us together indicated otherwise, but hey, she could and would think what she wanted. I just had to say one thing before she left, though.

"Really?" I questioned with a smirk. "Well, if that were true, and he really was dying to get in your pants, why didn't he jump on the chance the minute you got here? I mean, you knew I was going to be a while? Why didn't he ravage you the second you walked in? Or when you had him alone in our room? Yes, he told me about that. Hmm, seems to me, that no matter how much you throw yourself at him he just doesn't want you."

"Fuck you," she seethed as she stomped away from me.

"Oh Tanya, you forgot something," I murmured as I whirled her around. Once she was facing me, I looked her hard in the eyes.

"I think this will go well with your gown," I sneered before pulling my hand back and releasing it with all my might… I slapped Tanya…_hard!_

The bitch needed to learn that I certainly wasn't the one she should be fucking with.

"Ahh," she screamed in disgust and pain.

"Yeah, I think you'll definitely win with that," I said, briefly feeling proud of myself.

"Fuck you and him! Neither of you are worth my time!" She finally made her way out the door, cradling her face.

Before I could do anything else, I quickly called my RA and let her know what had just happened and how I was afraid for my belongings. She promised to be waiting by the door for when she arrived.

I wasn't really worried about Tanya explaining where she got the red mark on her face from. Something told me that she would be keeping her mouth shut.

Then I waited for Edward to shower and change.

"There's no way I can go back there now," I muttered to myself. Even if Emily, my RA, watched my stuff, she wouldn't be there to supervise us all night. That wasn't her job. She had a life too.

So, I was going to have to find some place to stay temporarily until I could get a reassignment. Home wasn't an option since the three hour commute each way would surely kill me. And I wasn't too keen on a hotel.

I was sure Emily would have my back on getting a new room. Or maybe even reassigning Tanya.

"Do you want to stay here?" I heard quietly from behind me.

I turned and stared at him for a moment.

"I don't know, but I do know that I certainly can't stay there tonight."

"Well, I'd love to have you," he whispered, wrapping his arms around me.

"Did you scrub?" I asked, looking over my shoulder at him with a raised eyebrow. Because the thought of Tanya's scent, in any capacity, on him made me shudder.

"Yes ma'am. Even though you know nothing happened, Bella."

"Good. And I know that Edward, but still…" I sighed and turned in his arms. "So you really wouldn't mind me staying here? It would just be for a few days until I can get a room reassignment," I told him. I was honest. I didn't plan to move in with him. There was no need to cramp his life completely.

"I want you here, for however long, and I can understand, baby, you not wanting to stay there," he said softly. "Let's go get your things and then we can come back here. I do believe you said you wanted to talk, right?"

I nodded.

"Alright then, let's get a move on and the sooner we get all that done, the sooner I can snuggle with you." He wrapped his arms tighter around me and I felt safe.

I knew the words I'd uttered to Tanya before were true, I did trust him, but we still needed to talk; there were other things that needed to be brought up and discussed. Yes, it was going to be annoying, but if we didn't have communication, then what was there?

"Sounds good," I murmured as he grabbed his keys and led me out the door.

When we arrived at my room, Tanya was nowhere to be seen, and for that, I was thankful. I'd had enough of her shit; on top of the Edward issues, she'd been a terrible roommate – 'borrowing' my stuff, moving my things around, coming and going all hours of the night, messy, loud… Ugh, I guess I had put up with a lot from her and was relieved I would somehow be getting rid of her for good.

After collecting my things, just what I was worried about and needed, we loaded both of our cars.

On the drive back to Edward's apartment everything started to piece together. I mean I wasn't stupid or naïve, I knew Tanya was interested in Edward. I got that; she wasn't the first friend that had ogled my boyfriend. But I honestly thought she wouldn't try anything again after the dorm incident. What did she really think? That he wasn't going to tell me? Ha, yeah right, not after everything we had gone through to finally get to a good place. He had told me that night, but I hadn't confronted Tanya because I knew it meant nothing to Edward. I hadn't wanted to fight with her, so I let it go, but now realized I should have made my position clear to Tanya immediately.

But I thought something was up when she wouldn't show me her clothes for the pictures. I was just trying to be nice and be interested in her life. But she didn't want to talk about them or anything to do with the shoot, for that matter.

Not to mention how she would always bring Edward up when we were talking. She asked a lot of questions about his work, hobbies, friends… That was something which brought my attention to just how deep her feelings were beginning to run. She did need to realize though that he wasn't interested, no matter how hard he tried to say it on his own.

Edward only cared about me. He only wanted to make things easy with her since I had to live with her, and he knew I was struggling to get along with her as it was. He was convinced that her crush would fade away since she knew how in love we were. Or at least he thought she knew and could see it. Clearly that was not the case since she was still trying to get with him.

I sighed deeply and pulled in behind Edward. We needed to talk. We had to get everything out in the open or we were going to be back where we started before and that was no good.

Edward made a few trips with my things, insisting that they needed to be inside in case I needed anything.

Once he was finished, we ended up in the kitchen. I was busying myself with making coffee because honestly, all the adrenalin and anger had worn on me out. Now, I needed some caffeine to stay awake.

He took a seat at the kitchen table and I sat on the opposite side.

One look into his green eyes I could easily see the war that was going on within himself. And I wanted to stop it. Even though I'd told him in front of Tanya that I trusted him, he was still worried.

I reached across the table and took his hands in mine.

"I trust you," I whispered, never letting my eyes leave his.

He nodded, staring back at mine. "Thank you."

"And I want to know what happened. But first, I need to know, for absolute certain, that you didn't ask for any of this. If you tell me no, I'll believe you, because I trust you."

"I didn't baby, I swear," he promised, squeezing my hands. "I love you, Bella, and no one or nothing will ever change that."

I nodded and took his words at face value. We were a couple now and without trust, we were nothing. So I was going to accept it at that.

"Now, what happened?" I asked. Of course I didn't want a play by play, but understanding how she ended up straddling him would be nice.

"She went in to change, came out and I took the photo set, just as I had for all the rest. Then she whined about wanting to see the final product. So I asked her to change while I uploaded the photos and honestly for the amount of time she was gone, I really thought she was. I took a seat on the couch and told her that I was ready. She came back out in her bikini and fresh make up. I could see signals, I wasn't blind. I just wanted the appointment over though, so I sat as far away as possible and let her go through them. She asked me to bring up the bikini ones and while I was clicking through, she got on my lap. In the same second, it seemed as though you were coming through the door," he explained thoroughly.

Again I nodded at this. "And she didn't try anything else while she was here?"

"No, not a thing. It was all business up until the end."

"Okay," I murmured.

For a while we were quiet. I was thinking and I assumed he was as well.

I felt bad for him. It was something that most people would fault me for, considering he was the photographer and offered to do the shoot. But I knew Edward and I knew that he only did it because he wanted to see us connect over something other than him. He wanted her crush to fade and for me to develop a nice friendship. While it certainly didn't go that way, his heart was in the right place and I appreciated that.

Edward was truly a gracious human being, no matter what the outsiders said. They didn't know us, so I didn't give a shit.

"You know, I was wondering if she would push it this far," I said quietly after a time.

His eyebrows perked up and he stared at me.

"Well, considering happened between you two at the dorm that afternoon, and then her bringing you up every chance she would get around me, she made her feelings pretty obvious. But I never really thought she would go this far…"

I thought Tanya was better than that, but I guess, I was wrong.

"I'm sorry, baby," he said softly as he held my hand in his.

"It's not your fault. You were just trying to diffuse the situation. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna go shower, then I'd like to snuggle up with you in bed, okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds good." He smiled sweetly and I got up from the table.

In the bathroom I could still smell the remnants of her cheap perfume and there was lingering stickiness of her hairspray on the floor. I hated it, every bit of it, but I wasn't going to let it eat at me now.

I cranked on the hot water and let the steam roll out from above the curtain. I needed it to be hot, to wash away the awfulness of the day. So that maybe when I stepped out, I would feel like myself again and I could enjoy being with my boyfriend.

My therapist was going to have a field day with this one. I'd just begun seeing her and she was really nice. She listened and that was the best. Just having someone there to hear me out. She was able to reassure me that, even though my parents weren't there for me, the Cullen's were excellent replacements to their presence. She also told me that Edward had made huge strides to be a wonderful boyfriend, although that was something I already knew.

She understood the work that went into us. She understood what we had gone through to make it to where we were today. I was just glad someone else could see the good there.

But this, with Tanya, was ridiculous. And while Edward didn't have anything to do with it, it still bothered me. I stood there in front of the steadily clouding mirror brushing out my hair, trying to understand the day. She was supposed to be a good friend. Someone I thought I'd grown close to over the past few months, and while I was strong enough to tell her off to her face, that didn't mean I didn't question why she would hurt me like that.

It was still confusing to me.

I stepped in and the heat engulfed me. It helped me to not think and just concentrate on relaxing as the hot water pelted my body and ran down into the drain.

I watched, mesmerized by the swirl of the liquid, letting my mind drift off into a nice, safe, dark place. Somewhere where I didn't have to think.

For a long while I just let the scalding water redden my skin before I began scrubbing. I washed thoroughly, letting the soap do its best to wash away all the bad memories. Again, I didn't think. I just did.

After I was thoroughly cleansed I found myself making my way into Edward's bedroom.

When I opened the door I was shocked to find some of my things spread throughout the room.

My laptop by my side of the bed. A few of my notebooks on the nightstand. And my favorite pictures on the bureau. I desperately wanted to question him about it. I mean, I had made it clear that I wasn't moving in. I couldn't do that to Edward. I couldn't stifle his dreams and ambitions. I wanted to make sure he had plenty of a chance to explore all of his career possibilities, while I was finished up with school.

Yes, in my head I had planned out that after school we would settle down somewhere together. Though, I knew it wasn't going to happen the second I graduated. I knew it was going to take some time, but it was part of our future together.

I also knew Edward's job wasn't full of permanence. That was part of the appeal of being a freelance photographer. You never knew what your next project was going to be like. But we certainly couldn't build a life on that kind of guessing, so I knew I needed to establish myself as a teacher before we headed down that road.

My eyes found Edward, snuggled under the covers. In the middle of the bed there was a giant plate of food resting on a tray.

"What's that?" I asked softly.

"I thought, since neither of us had eaten, this would be nice. I made us a plate of scrambled eggs we can share," he said hesitantly.

There was also toast and bacon. Something that looked absolutely delicious.

"That sounds wonderful," I murmured, heading to his t-shirt drawer.

I grabbed a soft cotton one and found my drawer before pulling out a pair of panties. Yes, I'd had a drawer since he moved in here. He insisted on it. He wanted me to have a little piece to myself.

I turned and smirked at him before dropping to the towel and beginning to pull on my panties.

I could hear him behind him, swallowing and I was pretty sure I heard a groan too. He was adorable and I loved him all the more for his little noises at the sight of my naked behind.

After finishing dressing I climbed on to the bed and happily ate dinner with him. Edward was actually a decent cook, even though he always claimed to be a shitty one.

And after we were finished we laid in bed together, gazing at the ceiling. It was quite relaxing to just lay there and not have to worry about anything. Life was upon us and we were just living in the moment.

"Bella," he whispered softly into the darkness of the room.

"Yeah babe?"

"I love you," he said quietly.

I rolled to my side and kissed him softly, before pulling back and looking into his eyes.

There were so many things I could've said or done. But we'd grown from that point in our lives and I knew things were good now. We were good.

His hands folded over my hips, holding me close to him, keeping me there.

"I don't want to lose you because of her," he said with an unmistakable desperation in his voice.

"You won't," I told him with all the confidence I could muster. I was honest, because I knew he hadn't asked for anything that happened.

"Kiss me," he begged. "I need you to kiss me."

And I did. I kissed him good and hard on those soft pouty lips of his. We kissed for a long time. Just loving one another until our hormones took over and we couldn't ignore our urges.

We loved each other that night in a deeper way than we had ever before. When he entered me, whispering his love and devotion, I knew I had found my forever.

* * *

**What do you think? **

**How do you think Bella handled Tanya and her shit?**

**How do you think Bella handled Edward in the situation?**

**Did Bella find her forever?**

**See you soon for the last chapter... That's right, one more left and that's it. **


	31. Finally Home

**Thank you to my beautiful Beta and co-writer on this lovely adventure, Midnight Cougar or MC as I like refer to her as. She's as sweet as can be, a hard ass when it comes to grammar and tenses, has incredible ideas and can write like nobody's business, even though she'll deny it through and through! **

* * *

**Chapter 31**

**Bpov**

I finished packing my suitcase. It had been a few weeks since the incident with Tanya, but things were still good between Edward and I. The housing office wasn't hurrying about getting me a reassignment, so I was still living at Edward's. We had completely cleaned out my side of the dorm room. And from what Catherine had said Tanya was pretty hated throughout our building.

Word, I guess, traveled fast.

The worst was Mrs. Denali, Tanya's mother, ended up calling up Edward looking for the photos. She knew all about what happened and played it off like it was no big deal. She even had the nerve to ask why Edward overreacted like he did.

Such a sick and twisted mother, if you ask me.

I was so proud of Edward when he told her she could have them only when the bill was paid in full. He charged her nearly double and tacked on a few extra inconvenience fees. It was a little immature to make Tanya's parents pay for her mistake, but Edward deserved every dime after what happened.

After zipping up the suitcase and moving it to the corner with the rest of them, I went over my checklist one more time.

It was that time of the year again. I couldn't believe it, but Christmas was in only three days and we were expected home soon.

Edward had been tied up with a new job offer. He was keeping much of it under wraps for now. He said that if he took it, there would be no more questioning the steadiness of his business. That excited me, but it also worried me at the same time. I didn't want him to end up settling for something he wasn't going to be happy with down the road.

After double checking our things one more time, I deemed us ready for our trip home tomorrow.

I headed to the kitchen to make dinner. Something I had fallen in love with since I'd been living at Edward's place. Living together definitely had its perks. We were able to see each other a lot more now. And even though I had studying or homework to do, we were still able to have a nice hot dinner together every night, which I really cherished.

Once the roast was in the oven, I took a seat at the table and pulled out my homework. I really wanted it done so I could enjoy Christmas break with our families.

School was on break two weeks ago, but my professors were hateful scrooges who decided I needed to have two papers done by the time classes resumed in January. That was insane! And on top of working at my measly job in the cafeteria, I was exhausted. But every night my head hit the pillow, I still felt accomplished. Especially knowing I could've taken the easy way out through life.

Edward recognized all my hard work too, and he made a point of telling me most nights just how proud he was of me.

Just as I finished up the majority of my research on children with learning disabilities I heard the lock click and the door swing open. I glanced up with a big smile on my face as Edward walked in.

"Hi honey, I'm home," he said cheesily.

I giggled before sliding my chair out and walking over to him. My arms were around his neck just a second later and then my lips were pressed against his. That was Edward's way of greeting me since I'd began staying there with him and he loved the way I greeted him back.

"Mm, I missed you, baby," he mumbled against my lips, gripping my waist firmly and bringing me closer to him.

"I missed you too," I said with a sigh.

Life was truly good and I was definitely enjoying our time together, there was no doubt about that.

"Yum, something smells good," he commented after we finally peeled apart.

"That's a roast," I told him as I closed up my notebook and cleared the rest of my belongings off the table.

"Sounds delicious. Want me to set the table?" he asked as he took care of his camera bag.

"Sure, that would be wonderful."

I went to work mashing the potatoes and straining the boiled carrots. Once that was finished I retrieved the roast from the oven, which looked mouthwatering. I asked Edward to slice it while I poured us both a glass of wine.

I set the bread in the center of the table and took a seat, while I waited for Edward to join me.

"Hon, this looks and smells amazing," he said as he dished up a huge plate.

Edward was all American, through and through. He loved a home cooked meal as much as the next guy and I knew without a doubt he was a meat and potatoes kind of guy.

We both ate like it was our first meal in a while. And when we finished I was ready for a nap. Just thinking about tomorrow was tiring me out.

We were facing our family after months of turmoil. I knew they wanted us together, but they were going to be dissecting our every move with a fine tooth comb. That was just how our family was…they liked to know everything there was to know. They wanted us to be happy and for our relationship to be healthy, so I was sure they were going to be some of our biggest critics.

Not only that, but I had finally heard from Devin. He was looking forward to seeing Edward and I too. He and Angela were still going strong and he told me she was wonderful and he owed me huge for setting them up. I told him the only thing he owed me was to be happy, that was all the payment I needed. And I couldn't help but think about how excited I was to see both of them too. Home was going to be great and seeing everyone was going to be that much better.

Emmett was bringing Sarah home to meet his family, from what Edward told me that could prove interesting. And Em was beyond nervous. This was the same woman who'd told him how to do his job and I couldn't believe they were still together. Em wasn't normally a push over, so I was uncertain about the relationship. But the way he gushed over her told me he was serious.

So many things were changing. The most being with Rose. She had texted me a week ago, telling me I needed to Skype her immediately. I did as she had asked, and when she popped up online smiling brightly, I began to question what was up.

"I was putting away some clothes," she began, looking excited, "and I found something in Paul's sock drawer." She couldn't keep the grin off her face and I had a feeling I knew exactly what she'd found, unless my friend had just become extremely fond of porn.

"What was it?" I asked, keeping her excitement.

"It's a ring Bella, he's gonna ask me to marry him! Holy fucking shit!"

A huge smile broke out across her beautiful face and those blue eyes of hers lit up like stars. I could see she was really and truly happy. She shouldn't have been too surprised though. They bought a house together and all.

"God, Rosie, I'm so happy for you two!"

I was, and I knew what that meant too. I would get to plan a wedding. Something I was really looking forward to.

Rose might have deviated from the path she started out on, but she had found her happiness and in a world like ours, that was all you could ask for.

Ryan had even e-mailed me that he was still on the hunt, but nothing steady yet. I appreciated his updates from time to time. I guess they were the ones I related to the most. His weren't all flowers and hearts. He would tell me about great dates or shitty ones, and then the girl turning out to be a lost cause. They were, in my opinion, the most helpful; it was good knowing many relationships were tough. Edward and I fought for what we had now. We worked to be where we were; secure and trusting. We certainly weren't all hearts and flowers at all though.

The muddiness of the mean words still floated around in my mind from time to time. But whenever they would make themselves present, I would think about how great Edward had been since then. How we'd both grown and changed. How we had both become stronger.

"Hey babe, you coming to bed?" I heard Edward call from the bedroom.

"Yep, just finishing up some replies."

I typed out a nice, inspirational note to Ryan, telling him how I missed him and we needed to get together when we were all in town. Before shutting my computer and heading into the bedroom.

To say I was exhausted was an understatement, but taking one look at Edward lying in the messy covers in only a white undershirt and pair of tight black boxer-briefs did things to me. I couldn't hold them back as a shiver engulfed my entire body and I quickly stripped down to my typical sleeping attire. A long t-shirt and a pair of lacy undies. Comfortable and still somewhat sexy. That was important when climbing into bed with your boyfriend.

That night Edward made love to me, soft and slow, kissing me tenderly, bringing back the sleepiness that had faded when I'd first entered the bedroom. He kissed me reverently, whispering his love for me, until my eyes closed and my mind blacked out with sleep.

The next morning was full of nerves and grogginess. No matter how long I slept, I was still tired thanks to my busy schedule.

But we both managed to climb in the car with smiles on our faces. We were in love, happy, and we were going home to spend the holidays with our loved ones.

Before we'd left, Edward had offered to drive since there was a fresh blanket of snow. The streets in the city were fine, the snow was actually quite beautiful, but I knew as soon as we got closer to home the snow would be wetter and the roads would be awful.

On the ride I found myself clicking through music and leaning against the door, looking out the window. It was sort of surreal to think about going home with Edward for Christmas. Together. The word caught in my throat, even though I wasn't trying to actually say it out loud, it truly meant so much to me that it was difficult not to get emotional.

We were going home together, as a couple. Finally. This was something I'd dreamt about for so long. And now, we were getting that moment.

Last year all I'd wanted for Christmas was one thing and after ripping through many layers of wrapping this past year, I finally got what I'd truly wanted…Edward.

I took a deep breath and smiled as Edward pulled down the long familiar drive.

We were home.

Our journey was complete.

* * *

***sniff sniff* And there you have it. That's the last regular chapter of this little ditty. I know that MC and I will both miss this story greatly. Don't worry, there is an epilogue in the works that will be posted in a few weeks. But for now, I'm hitting complete. **

**I would love to know what you think about Bella's growth. **

**Her strength through everything she had to overcome. **

**And about her finally getting everything she hoped to get. **

**How about Edward? He grew, he changed, he overcame the stereotypes ingrained in him about age. **

**Rose finding her own way in life and Paul being an amazing gentleman. **

**If you're brave enough, I strongly suggest you check out my new Darkward short story. He's dexterward through and through. The first 2 chapters of Darkness Consumes Me are up and worth a shot. Thanks and see you soon! **


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